Dirtbaqs yapping

19 years old Just vents or rants here Like my little journal lol

[thebigyapper]

Do you feel at some nights just like total shit? Like anything you do is wrong and people just see you like a inconvenience?! I hate feeling like this, I absolutely hate it.

[thebigyapper]

An apology that you'll never see

Dear Paquis,

I know its weird of me apologizing about anything to you but I could never put in the words of how sorry I am. I apoloize for not being the older sister that you wished for, someone who is kind to you, someone who won't be so angry with. This is such a tirrable thing to say but growing up I started to have so much anger within myself and I didn't know how to express it in a healthley matter and I chose you to let out my anger. To yell, blame and to nugne, I was much more of a asshole to you in my early teen years. I know that I cause this bridge between our realtionship and it would most likely never be fixed and go back to the siblings that we were before. 2 kids playing at the backyard and just getting all sorts of touble. I'm so sorry, i'm so sorry being the way that I am. It was never your fault for my anger and I need you to know that, I really do love you and I need to say it to more often because I truly do love you. I don't seek forgiveness, that'll just sound selfish, just felt that you needed to know.

[thebigyapper]

Dreams

Sometimes I get the most strangest dreams that don't mean anything, but some nights I'll have the most beautiful dream ever and it'll be stuck in my mind for a good while.

My dream last night started off with moving in to a apartment, i think somewhere in the midwest. It reach sunset and slowly you could see the glowing stars in the sky, it was actually the most beautiful stargazing I seen. It made me realize that I have never really seen a clear stary sky before, which is actually insane.

[thebigyapper]

Summer Plans

To make sure that I actully do something with myself this summer, I have planned out what I'll do to achive my goals

Getting a job and putting in a lot of hours to not be at home during the day and have my night free from family and do my own things

counting/limiting my cals and limited how much food I actully eat, I need to lose as much weight before my 20th birthday.

Getting 10k steps a day and doing heavy workouts to lose said weight, my goal is to be around 200 lbs by august (im 240 something rn)

Going out and be dumb with my hometown friends, get drunk at random places and just talk until late hours

idk if I'll reach my goals but hey its something

[thebigyapper]

Weak

I got off the phone with my brother telling me about another argument that he had with my mom. This particular argument was about how she couldn’t believe that all her kids ended up being so weak.

I may be weak in some aspects but how could a mother say something like that to her own kid.

I never want to be mom, I’m so scared that I’ll end up like her.

[thebigyapper]

Awful Mental Health

Slowly as the days go by I'm starting to hate myself more. I've finally admitted this to myself a few months and tried to do things to make it better but I've been so tired to put any effort. But not being able to put in the effort just is making it hate myself so much more, I always been lazy but god am I taking it a whole other level. I'm the heaviest that I've ever been and get reminded when I look at a mirror. I'm so sick of food but I love eating, eating so much to the point it hurts to take another bite. And I know that the more I eat it's just going to result to more weight but somewhere in my mind is just not caring. Only gets its wants even though consequences for getting those needs are huge. I'm so tired, so so tired. Haven't slept properly in months, at max I get 4-5 hours per night. I just want to make it one night where I can get a actual restful nights of rest, I think that can fix me but I doubt it ngl. I'm also so tired of putting a mask of being ok to my friends and family, I can start feeling myself breaking. Last week while driving back to my parents house for spring I just let it all out, screaming and crying while on the road. Yes that was unsafe but omg I haven't cried like that in months, I tend to not let myself cry because I feel like I don't have anything worth crying for. God I feel so numb sometimes.

[thebigyapper]

OMG BAD BUNNY

This isn't a vent but something just I wanna yap about

Omg last nights superbowl halftime show was actually AMAZING LIKE OMG!!!!! I been a fan of Bad Bunny since I was 15 (turning 20 this year), and it actually cured something in me seeing that my fav artist was preforming in something as big as the superbowl.

It was amazing to see that him preforming give in light of us Latinos/Hispanics during these hard times in the States.

Bad Bunny will always have a place in my heart 💗

[thebigyapper]

Midnight thoughts

Do you guys just ever get the urge to pick up your keys and just drive? Drive until you only have a gallon of gas and return home?

I been just wanting to drive so far away and just see where it takes me. I want to start a new life, where no one knows me and I basically have a new identity. I’m so tired of my life but I do want to keep on living, but I actually want to start to live my life.

I want to act who I’m truly am and not caging my feelings. I’m so tired of faking who I am or just not being understood. Idk anymore man.

[thebigyapper]

Finals week

GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!! For real tho I have a exam tomorrow that I said to myself that I was going to study for a week. . . I have only studied for 2 days and idk what half the things are about!

I do this to myself but I’m going to study till midnight then wake up at 6 am and continue studying until it’s time for the exam 😭

DONT LEAVE STUDYING FOR THE LAST MIN

[thebigyapper]

This December

I have a whole plan locked in to lose weight and hoping to lose around 15 pounds!! I think 15 pounds in one month is reasonable goal but idk, just hoping for it to work!!

[thebigyapper]

Can't Wait

I can't wait to drink this weekend!!! I been stressed out for so long and I need something to relax, lowkey might blackout but who knows lol

[thebigyapper]

Failed

I ate too much today and now I feel like the biggest person in the whole world. What makes it worse is that someone took a picture of me without me noticing and omg I look so bad. One I need to retouch my roots and also top of my list, LOSING WEIGHT!!!! In the mourning I might just fast all day to make up the food I ate. idk just yapping.

[thebigyapper]

Toxic Motivation

So far I been limiting on how I eat each day, and it is helping a bit at the moment but lowkey I need help to keep on going with it because I really want to lose weight and feel pretty for once. idk just trying my best here.

[thebigyapper]

Awkward

I'm always awkward people that I don't know like omg! I see people that I knew from back then and I don't know what to do when I'm around them or they try to say anything basic like 'Hi." I need to get better at talking to people that i don't know cuz they shit is really taking a toll on me with making any kind of relationship with people. Idk man I need to try to put myself more out there with people that I do and don't know. I need to make a change in my life. But I'm just all talk and no change and that's just going to keep happening.

[thebigyapper]

I hate mirrors

Every time I see myself I feel like sobbing. How did I let myself get this bad in life.

I hate my face

My arms

My thighs

And worse my stomach

There are only a few moments that I let myself believe that i am pretty and look amazing in my outfit

But one look and that’s out the window

I hate food but I love it

I stuff my face with all this food and knowing and not caring what’s going to happen later

Then later comes and I start hating myself more

A mirror can show you the real you and I hate them