Of course I knew this would happen. Finally being able to write down my thoughts and blanking on where they begin and end. I haven’t stopped thinking, each idea manifests into another, forever evolving.
Hmm, maybe I can catch you up on where I left off (Africa post). But I won’t go into detail because things are different now, no need to revisit these memories, I already do that way too often. Well Africa didn’t go exactly as I hoped for, internship wise; however, I am thankful for every second of it. Jeat and Aaryn and two amazing women who I’ll never forget; it’s a shame I haven’t stayed in touch. But Jeat knew... I hope Aaryn has a beautiful wedding and marriage and I hope Jeat enjoys the rest of her educations and if it’s meant to be: change her path.
The Summer back home was honestly amazing, best I ever had. I got my license, drove to Cuse and back without help or permission (ha). Rosie and I got our way into Long Beach. Got lit at my cousin’s wedding/ saw the fam again. etc.~~~
But the demise came right at the edge of the summer. Susan (my beloved late car) broke down literally 15 minutes from school. This led to Tom provoking my mother to buy me a brand new car ( worst mistake). It’s was based on impulsivity and my ignorance on cars and buying cars. Here I am literally 3 hours with the car and I get a fucking speeding ticket. It was a female cop so it was definitely over for me (though she was fucking up with her weak ass siren, turning on and off) anyways, fuck Liverpool. 24 hours fucking later, motherfucker hits my shit while leaving the mall. No one got hurt, except for maybe my and sierra’s friendship. I don’t blame her I just...fdbdjf let’s just not go there. School hadn’t even started yet and I already had the court system, Tom, my mom, my friends, my insurance company, and my conscience all under my ass. On top of that I had the worst classes I’ve ever had at Cuse. With the rental, bills, shit I had to sign, fax, calls I had to answer plus my own guilt and anguish, I was honestly completely unfocused and unmotivated for anything school related (and that definitely shows in my final grades lmao). But through all that, dickhead Kemet High was the comfort that I needed that kept me sane.
This is a whole other thing, that I never wrote about because frankly it wasn’t supposed to happen or was never intended to. I can’t even write about the “then” because it is so much different from the “now”. I think I fell in like with this boy ( yes, in like, because wtf is love, something I’ve never been in, something I don’t even think I believe in). I honestly can’t even tell you “why” or “how” or “because of”, I just did. That’s actually not even important. All that matters is that I’m here now and he isn’t anymore, or never was. I’ll never know really. I’d be lying if said I didn’t miss it (before the fall)/him, I’d be lying if I said I wished it never even happened either. But I can honestly say, I’ve never experienced so much pain and passion, sadness and joy, challenge and comfort with one person before.
I used to blame him, for not listening or trying to understand. I used to blame myself for not being [good] enough. I used to blame my situation, the depo, for what happened to us (which def. contributed to it, no doubt there). But I can’t blame him for being him, I can’t blame myself for being me and the universe put me in the position that I was in for a reason, bigger than us.
I have realized that we’re more similar than I thought. The way he was, towards the end, is exactly how I am but even worse, with every single of my other relationships: unaffectionate, irritable, not wanting to be touched, not wanting to be around them for very long. How ironic it is that the one person I was giving my affection and care to, was the only person not willing to give me any in return. HA isn’t that a great example of life. But that was definitely karma -- showing me that I have to start trying to be a better friend, a better sister, and a better daughter. To not be so closed up, selfish with my time, enthusiasm, and presence. I’ve tried before and it worked a little but because of everything going on I completely stopped trying. “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” and I put all my love and energy into Kemet (0-1000 lol). He was definitely not the only one that cared for me at the time but he was the only that could make me feel safe and happy on my worst days. And that’s totally my fault.
I have to find a way to open myself up and be comfortable with the ones I love most and that love me. I have to stop being so selfish with myself; I mean I have to be duh but not to the ones who are already with me. So this is a vow to myself; love more: freely, unapologetically, lightly, and passionately. Not just to my close friends and family but to myself too.
As for me and Kemet, well I don’t really know. What’s already said and done has been, but the past isn’t over, it hasn’t even past ;) (lmao fucking Charisse). No but for real, maybe it wasn’t meant to be at this point in our lives or maybe it was never meant to be at all; but it happened so what does that say/mean. I still want him in my life, in the back of my mind I think I want something to happen again, not now, maybe in a year, or 5, 10 years from now. Idk (but that sounds familiar tho lol). Or maybe it’s supposed to be just a friendship, which is truly what I want right now, but I need him to feel the same way for that to work. We’ll see. I get too caught up in the future/am too much of a control freak to actually enjoy things happening right now (another thing I gotta work on).
A couple years ago I started learning how to love myself, now I gotta start learning how to love everyone else and unconditionally fall in love with myself: flaws, mistakes and all. I’ve recently learned you can be and feel however you want at literally any point in time; of course, shit creeps in and makes that hard, duh nigga life ain’t easy, but it’s definitely possible. We use labels as a way to define ourselves; it’s comfortable, safe, gives us meaning. But we don’t need those because we, well I can only speak for myself -- I am not just those defining attributes, even if people reinforce them. Systematically, academically, and personally I am labelled or trying to be figured out. But I am constantly changing, growing. I am not awkward, nor irritable, nor cynical; I am not introverted, nor sensitive, nor shy. I am me and there is no word for that because no “me” has ever existed before. and even if there was a word, I probably wouldn’t be that on graduation day, my wedding day (if ever that day came), or on my deathbed. But I can be confident if I want, I can be bitchy if I want, I can be sweet or sarcastic or lazy whenever I please but that doesn’t mean I will be tomorrow and that doesn’t define me either. People will always have their perceptions of you but that’s on them. Forget verbal limitations, fitting boxes that shape you, for there should always be endless growth. If you're not growing, you're dying (or already dead).
This may come off as flip-floppy but thats not what I’m saying. My roots will always stay with me and I’ll always live by my morals -- I’m saying that I am not just that, I am not one thing. I am existential.
