I’m Already Gone || Wolffe x Jedi
TRIGGER WARNING: angst….and a whole lot of angst. x)
Everything stood still. Not a sound to be made. Or attempted, to be made. Right in that moment regret seeped through his veins. He had never raised his voice at her. Never had he ever wanted to. Yet he did. His face softens and then contorts, only to soften again. This whole situation tore him apart. Tore both of them apart. It left so many questions floating around in the atmosphere. Why…why were they brought together to be torn apart by obligations and responsibilities?
Plo knows, right? How can he not? The first look they gave each other. Anyone, Force user or not, could feel it. Tension filled the vicinity. So thick you couldn’t cut through it. Not with the brightest lightsaber or fastest blaster. That’s something no one would attempt to get in the middle of. She would often ask her old master for advice. Being vague about what brought up the questions. Of course. Plo would always say, “Trust in the Force.”. Easy to say when the Force is actually on your side.
“I….” she started to speak but quickly started choking on her words. “I can’t trust that we’ll last.” Those words struck him. He thought he was dreaming. This gut-wrenching feeling…. it’ll be gone when he wakes up. Right? Wrong. Everything he was feeling and is going to think is very real. Too real, so real he questioned the very fabric that held this universe together. He was cherished by General Plo. A Jedi Master who spoke highly of the Force. The trooper was in love with a Jedi Knight for crying out loud. ‘Why would the Force do this?’ was a common question he’d ask himself.
“What?” is all he managed to get out. His body language reeks of ‘insecure’ and ‘delusion’. He fumbled with his hands. Not knowing what to do with them. Fixing his posture just to go back to slumming his shoulders. Feet that felt like lead. He wanted to run. Run away from this pain. He chose to go back to Kamino and experience numbness again. He trained there, preparing himself for his inevitable death.. A time before she unlocked any emotion in him. His eyes….those eyes, they reflected just how he was feeling. He felt anger. Rage. Not that that’s a new emotion to him. He’s a clone commander in the Grand Army of the Republic, after all. But this? This anger….this rage was new. Who wouldn’t be in a situation like this? It stung like a new paper cut in the web of your finger. Her words felt like salt in the wound. A wound that’s revealed to be deeper as the emotions flow. Was he wrong to think they stood a chance?
“Wolffe.” The gears were working in her head as she considered carefully what to say next. “We don’t work, we can’t work. You’re a clone. I’m a Jedi.” Saying it out loud was a new type of pain. Both of them were thinking about it. But only one had the bravery to say it. Tears broke through the barriers and flowed down her cheeks. It was evident she felt just as much, if not more, pain.
It was wrong, in every way. They’re sneaking around, lying to those around them about the nature of their relationship. “We’re just friends,” was always the defense. Not that they were fooling anyone. How he would soften his look for her and only her. How she would look at him like he was made of silver and gold. Not many got to see the sides of themselves that they only show each other. This entire argument started after something injured her during a mission. He pulled her aside, which sparked the millionth argument about why they couldn’t be together. The moment he snapped after she expressed that their love isn’t the reason they can’t be together. A moment in time he will forever wish he could go back to. If maybe he chose his words differently. If just….maybe he hadn’t raised his voice. It wouldn’t have led her to become distant in the days following.
Now he holds the woman he grew immense love for in his arms. As her life force slowly seeped out of her body. He knew the smell of death. The way it reeks without properly smelling like anything. The instinct of knowing just before someone perished. He still held on to so much hope, even when that stench started to fill the air. Screaming on coms several times for help, but nothing would get through. The two were too far away from the fight. Surely they’d notice the general and commander hadn’t returned from the objective assigned to them? ‘Plo has to know what transpired. He had to have felt it.’ Wolffe would repeat these words over and over in his mind. Served as comfort for the anguish he was in. Still hold hope that this will be over soon. That she’d be just fine.
“Let go.” He looked down to meet her gaze. Upon seeing her face contort to form a weak smile, the muscles in his face relaxed. His heart beat slowed as the surroundings became quiet. The hope left him. Reality was starting to poison his mind. An uncomfortable reality. An uncomfortable feeling. He’s really gonna have to say goodbye. Terrifying in its own notion.
“You know I can’t do that.” His voice trembles.
“I’m already gone.” If on cue her eyelids grew heavy. She tried fighting it. It was painful, knowing the effects it’ll have on him. But there was also a sense of beauty in her last moments being with the person she loved. The one she loved more than anyone in the galaxy. In the universe. Regardless, she knew it was her time to go
He gave it a couple of seconds after her body relaxed. Checked her pulse, to be sure. Following this, everything came back. It didn’t come back slowly. It hit him, and it hit him hard. The beating of his heart against his ribcage. The sound of war growing louder and louder. As it approached closer. His face showed nothing but pain. Crying was impossible for him.. He couldn’t scream. Nor could he move. As much as he wanted to, he froze. Reality had set in.
When help came, he stood watching as everyone scrambled. Boost and Sinker tried talking to him. In an attempt to get answers about what happened. It’s like they weren’t even there. All he could focus on was her lifeless body. The vessel that once held her soul.
It was even harder to get him to leave that post to go see a medic. Once he did, he only spoke ‘yes’ and ‘no’s’. Keeping his eyes glued to the ground. As if it was his mind trying to protect itself from the trauma it just experienced. Plo entering the room was enough for him to break out of the distance. Confining in his general on the tragedy that struck. For the first time that evening, tears poured down his face. Not stopping for a second. He swallowed and choked on the words he spoke.
The 104th had a separate memorial apart from her proper burial. In her honor. Nothing special. Them going around the room and telling stories about her. The days following, they went about their lives. Not because there is a galaxy to fight for...but because it’s what she would have wanted. She was a loving soul who cherished the surrounding people. Cherished living beings like it’s the most valuable of currency. So no, she wouldn’t want anyone to cling onto her memory. She understood better than most that lives have to be sacrificed to protect others. Even if it was unjust.
Wolffe didn’t understand this. All his life, he’s been groomed and trained to be a soldier and nothing else. To be expendable. He never understood how she could see life in this glow. How she managed to find common ground and understanding in everything. How she could fall in love with a clone. Let alone him. Why wasntWhy didn’t that droid shoot him instead? Why….why….why. The same words replay in his head. Those words that left him in anguish day by day. But also gave him a sense of purpose and strength to keep fighting.
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