The Diary of an Invisible Human

poetry-drabbles-art-heartache (teacher crush community)

[thediaryofaninvisiblehuman]

Do you take imagine requests??

sure

[thediaryofaninvisiblehuman]

do other ppl with ED’s have this?? tw: ED

as an anorexic i will sometimes have ‘spells’ if i haven’t eaten in a long time, people tell me i will start repeating myself as if i don’t remember saying things, i’ll forget entire conversations that just took place, and i’ll act really confused and loopy. i’ve been described as talking to a dementia patient actually. i really don’t remember these spells well other than how people describe them after the fact and i was wondering if other anorexics experience this?? like memory loss and confusion?? usually after i take a nap or rest a bit i return to normal, but so far this is the only thing that makes me return to normal, the longer i am awake the more severe it gets.

[thediaryofaninvisiblehuman]

i want so badly to talk about it, so i’m talking about it here

TW: rape, abuse

hi idk who will see this and idk why i am so pressed to say something but nobody knows who i am here, therefore im saying something and GOD i just have to say something.

i was raped on new years eve by a man older than my parents. i got into his van because i had been severely depressed and nothing mattered to me, i knew it was a bad idea but i didnt care what happened to me. this man was 44 with a daughter close to my age at the time, 17, and he left bruises and welts all over my body. i actually did try to stop him and get away once it got bad, i dont know why i did if i didnt care. maybe i actually did. i have not gone to the police because i dont want my family to find out and im afraid nobody will believe me or the man will convince the court i consented. 

i also spent the ages of 16 and 17 being manipulated and groomed by various men the ages of 21, 22, 23, 25, and 29. all but one coerced me into sleeping with them and several were extremely emotionally abusive, as well as violent in nature. 

when i was in eighth grade, 13 and 14 yrs old, my 23/24 year old history teacher became infatuated with me and essentially groomed me into a flirtatious relationship in which he gave me inappropriate attention during class (which prevented him from even teaching it), formed an emotional relationship with me, touched me inappropriately during class which eventually led to him pressing his crotch into me and grabbing my upper inner thigh among other things. i, as a naive young girl would, developed feelings for him in return while simultaneously being terrified of him, because i wasnt mature enough to know what positive, non abusive male attention looked like. eventually i tried to start avoiding him which he immediately picked up on and he started becoming violent in nature which is what really scared me. i dealt with the aftermath of this situation in severity for the following three years, which brought on severe depression and a suicide attempt, and i told nobody about this until i was in treatment for anorexia and i opened up about it. the school district was notified once my parents were made aware and did nothing other than say they would ‘keep an eye on him’. he found out about this the year i told and transferred schools to another town where he now has a clean record, and is the principal of a middle school. 

i guess i really dont understand why i need to vent about these situations but i think in summation, i am just now realizing as an 18 year old that i’ve spent my entire adolescence being abused in some form by older men. i dont know if they would be considered pedophiles but i am just so angry about it, im angry that i have to walk around and keep all this to myself because if i were to come forward it would just end up being worse for me. i am so angry that our society allows men like this to thrive and prosper while they literally change a young girl’s life forever and put her through actual hell. anyway this rant may not have been very coherent or easy to read but im just literally typing shit as it comes into my head and GOD im so sick of keeping all this bullshit to myself.

[thediaryofaninvisiblehuman]

fluoxetine

At sixteen I wished I were dead So they put me on medication. "You need it to function," they said. I didn't feel any different. At sixteen I was cutting my arms So they increased my medication. "I don't feel any different," I said. They said I was doing So much better. When I was hospitalized for the second time, They switched my medication And added a new one. I didn't feel any different. "You've been doing so much better," Echoed in my head As I lay paralyzed during Another silent panic attack. They increased my medication So much It made me vomit and feel naseuous all the time. I decided to stop taking my medication, And my mother threatened to have me admitted again. "You'll end up there anyway!" she said. "Why should I take something that does nothing but make me sick?" I kept asking. And the next time she saw me crying, She said, "Don't you see what happens when you don't take your medication?"

[thediaryofaninvisiblehuman]

why am I always the one who’s uninvited

why am I always the girl that no boys have ever liked

why me

[thediaryofaninvisiblehuman]

ok but the concept of actually telling your crush you like them is completely fucking obsolete to me

[thediaryofaninvisiblehuman]

at this point

i feel guilty for even suspecting someone likes me

because who am i to suggest the notion

that i could possibly be loved

[thediaryofaninvisiblehuman]

does anybody else have this weird thing where you love your friends and you love the activities you’re in but for periods of time it’s all just too much and all you wanna do is disappear and not exist anymore?

[thediaryofaninvisiblehuman]

I hope in 2018 I learn to stop caring so much.

[thediaryofaninvisiblehuman]

*gets into screaming match with my mom in which she calls me a bitch, attention-seeker, etc*

*sees mom less than 1 hour later*

mom: hi sweetie, whatcha up to

me:

mom: what’s wrong?

WOMAN DO YOU LITERALLY HAVE DEMENTIA

[thediaryofaninvisiblehuman]

do yall ever start catching feelings for someone who you’re not supposed to

and you just keep telling yourself “nah I don't like them”

but then your heart drops into your stomach whenever they walk in a room

and your face gets hot whenever they look at you

and you get all giddy and happy whenever they text you

and then you‘re like

well shit

[thediaryofaninvisiblehuman]

because I can't help but wonder what would've happened if I hadn't pushed you away from holding me like that instead of telling you I was fine.

what if //thediaryofaninvisiblehuman//

[thediaryofaninvisiblehuman]

how do you fall completely and utterly in love with someone who you can never have and just keep going?

and how have I been doing it for so long? //thediaryofaninvisiblehuman//

[thediaryofaninvisiblehuman]

I loved you

                      and you knew

and yet,

              you just stood there

                                                and let me suffer.

[thediaryofaninvisiblehuman]

I stare at untouched food, starving, and wonder if I've forgotten how to eat. I lie wide awake in bed, exhausted, and wonder if I've forgotten how to sleep. I keep a smile on my face, broken, and wonder if I've forgotten how to live.

11:45 P.M //thediaryofaninvisiblehuman//

[thediaryofaninvisiblehuman]

I just don't understand how someone with so much love to give can't find anyone to share it with.

broken hearts are the biggest hearts //thediaryofaninvisiblehuman//

[thediaryofaninvisiblehuman]

the worst fucking feeling is falling in love with someone knowing you aren’t good enough for them