I Can’t Do This

I’m so done with life, my last vent blog got discovered by someone I know, so I’m starting again.

[theend-isnear]

You never realise how shit you feel until you’re sat alone in the toilet at a bar.

Am I going to kill myself tonight?

Let’s find out..

[theend-isnear]

I honestly have not idea how tonight I’m getting into bed instead of jumping in-front of a train.

It’s a shitty miracle, but a miracle none the less.

[theend-isnear]

I can’t get him out of my head.

I feel like I’m 15 again..

[theend-isnear]

I don’t think I can do this, my abandonment issues have taken over.

I feel so alone and hated.

And I can’t do this anymore.

I just can’t.

[theend-isnear]

I think tonight may be a good night to end it.

I’ve been balancing for a while trying not to fall,

Tonight I’m somewhere that I feel invisible,

And I’m a 5 minute walk from the train tracks.

And I have my notes with me.

Yeah, I think tonight is a good night to end it.

[theend-isnear]

I think it’s going to take everything I have not to kms tonight..

It’s going to be a long night.

[theend-isnear]

I think I just told someone I’m gonna kill my self tonight..

Maybe I shouldn’t have done that.. but I think she’s too drunk to remember, so should be okay..

[theend-isnear]

Okaaaay, the buzz has just hit me that this hell of living is nearly over.

I think I feel better than I have for years..

[theend-isnear]

It’s so strange being at a party, knowing I’m going to end my life afterwards but no one else knows.

Everyone is so clueless and honestly, it’s kind of nice..

[theend-isnear]

I’m currently sat staring at all my clothes, realising if I go through with tonight I’m not going to wear any of them again.

Better pick out my outfit for tonight carefully.

[theend-isnear]

Today’s the day, time to see if I actually have the guts to do what I need to do.

[theend-isnear]

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell.

[theend-isnear]

Oh look, it must be self-destruction o’clock.

Y’know, the time of night when my brain decides it’s had enough of life and we should continue planning our suicide.

[theend-isnear]

I’ve laid in bed for enough time now.

Instead of trying to sleep and letting my brain take over,

I’m just gonna give in, finish my notes and do a little SH. Ya know, gotta keep things fresh🙄

I dunno, I’m a hot mess right now.

[theend-isnear]

I’ve spent the last I don’t even know how long just lying in bed all day every day so that I can’t harm myself, but my patience is so low and I am so bored of life.

[theend-isnear]

So, after my performances last weekend (which is what I was waiting for before going), I had quite a high which I rode for a while; but now that’s finished and I’ve dropped so hard.

We have an after show party this weekend, my plan was to walk home after and head to do the deed- but now I have someone coming with me to the party so they’ll probably be walking home with me.

I now don’t know what to do.

[theend-isnear]

I reeeeally want to cvt my arms right now

But I have shows this weekend

And I won’t be able to hide my arms.

I’m feel I’m too old for this now

But I think tonight it might win.

Send help.

[theend-isnear]

Welp, my brain always has to sabotage me.

First time I’ve cvt my arm for years..

Now for a weekend of having to make excuses.