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College Essay: Failure

My college application letter for my AP class:

Failure: everyone has their own definition. Schools see it as bad grades. Peers see it as failure to socialize. My family sees it as a lapse in judgment that leads to a questionable decision. Personally, I see it as a low point so low that you can no longer see the surface. For me, my depression is my greatest failure. I allowed it to consume me, and thereby allowed myself to fail. Failure and depression are much alike in the fact that they create the sensation of drowning. Failure is the water, and depression is the monster in you that keeps dragging you deeper and deeper until you can't fight anymore, and you can't see the surface; until there is nothing left. One is a catalyst for the other; it is a never ending circle of self-disappointment and pain.

I have dealt with depression for five years, and continue to today. For the longest time, my depression was something that I viewed as a failure. Overall, my depression was a failure for me because I allowed it consume me. Before I knew how to handle my depression, I let it drag me down; I stopped caring about my grades, friends, and activities that once meant everything to me. As I continued to do worse and worse, failing by others definitions, I grew more and more depressed and began to hurt myself. Every scar is a reminder of another failure. For months I toyed with the idea of finally tying the anchor that would allow me to sink. This marked my lowest point, and to this day, I continue to view it as my biggest failure. My failure was disappointing to my family, but more importantly myself, and letting myself sink so low.

Seeing how my actions affected those I care about saved me from drowning. My friends helped me realize that if they could care about me, I could too. They helped me learn how to swim in the waters of failure, thereby saving me from drowning. Being that low was a point in my life where the tides changed, and it made me realize how my actions can hurt more than just myself. My depression was a failure, even if not in the traditional sense. It was something that I let take me over and took away my attachment to anything else; it's written on my skin. Healing came in waves, as I learned how to trust others with how I felt and began to open up about my feelings. Although I have to fight to keep my head above water, I have learned how to deal with my depression and the reminders of my failure; keeping me from hurting myself and others. My failure has made me stronger, and in a way I am grateful for the experience it brought me. I have learned how important it is to swim in the water, but that it is even more important to know how to swim and come up for air.

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