who you should fight: KnB edition
so, I hear that you all want to know who would win if you fought the KnB characters? well, wait no longer, because I am here to give you the facts. the truth, straight up. the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. here are the do’s and don’ts of who you should fight:
Kagami Taiga
who wins: Kagami (unless you are a werewolf)
Kagami’s known weaknesses are dogs, food, and tough kanji. aside from those things, he’s pretty much invincible. also, he’s always ready to fight. he would be squaring up with you before you had time to finish rolling up your sleeves. the only people to put a dent in Kagami in the entire series are Kuroko, Riko, and Kagami himself. that’s a formidable trio, and it’s worth noting that Kagami never stays down for long. he’s back on his feet and ready to go again in no time at all. do not fight Kagami Taiga unless you are a Japanese teacher who is also a werewolf, and can therefore defeat him with both complex kanji and being a literal dog.
Kuroko Tetsuya
who wins: you, but at what cost?
Kuroko’s mostly weak, but be careful, if he lands a hit he could seriously damage you. have you seen him punch the basketball across the court and call it a pass? goddamn, you could get seriously injured if he tried that out on your squishy bits. also, and this is important, do you have the moral high ground in this fight? make sure you do beforehand, bc if not, you’ve just gained yourself a nemesis. he’s a fucking stubborn little bugger and he won’t let the injustice of your victory continue. this is the boy who took down the GoM just to prove a point. he’s patient. he will wait. only choose to fight Kuroko if you don’t fear retribution.
Aomine Daiki
who wins: Aomine
so he did knock Haizaki out with one punch which was pretty impressive, but also he’s a loser and he doesn’t go to practice. and he probably smells - all boys about that age do. fight Aomine Daiki. tell him to do his homework and take a shower. he’s strong and athletic and he’ll probably win, but, damn it all, this boy needs to be fought. his teammates will thank you for trying, and you’ll get a nice feeling of accomplishment if you manage to get a hit in. I say go for it.
Momoi Satsuki
who wins: unknown
this is a bad decision and you will regret it immediately. no one has ever fucked with Momoi throughout the entire KnB series and there’s probably a reason for that. do you really want to try this and find out why? no, no you don’t. fighting Momoi is a bad choice and I would recommend that you do whatever you can to avoid it.
Midorima Shintarou
who wins: YOU
Midorima is a fucking nerd and you should fight him at once. he won’t want to risk damaging his hands, so punching is out, which means his only attacks are either slapping or kicking. there’s barely any risk for you. you cannot lose this one unless he tries to run away with his longass legs. protip: corner him first to avoid this. also, at no point should you try to fight Midorima when cancer is in first place according to Oha Asa - this is when he is naturally at his strongest. try to schedule the fight for a day when your astrological sign is ranked higher than his. it might not mean anything, but you will have a psychological advantage and winning will be even easier.
Kise Ryouta
who wins: who cares
look, I don’t know what your beef is with Kise, but do you really want to do this? he makes money with his face. he’s probably insured for, like, a lot of money. he’s absolutely ready to fight if it’s necessary (see: that time he was ready to throw down with Haizaki), but you shouldn’t let him. the lawsuit is definitely not worth it.
Murasakibara Atsushi
who wins: how tall are you?
Murasakibara is 6′10″ and if you are taller than that you automatically win. congratulations on being a motherfucking giant, you absolute noodle, you. if you’re not taller than Murasakibara, I’m sorry, he’s gonna crush you. he’s alarmingly, deceptively competitive and there’s no way he’s going to let you waste his time by attempting to beat him up when he could seeking out and consuming sweets instead. the longer you drag the fight out, the worse it’s going to be for you in the end. if you must fight Murasakibara, just let him beat you right at the beginning and live to fight someone else another day.
Akashi Seijuurou
who wins: Akashi
look, we both know this is a terrible idea. that’s not going to stop me from telling you to fight him anyways. yeah, you’ll get your ass handed to you on a silver platter, probably by a butler employed by the Akashi family specifically for that purpose, but it’s worth a shot. god knows he deserves a good ass-kicking. you absolutely need to fight Akashi. it’s for the greater good. please do it. imagine what it’ll feel like in the fleeting moment between your fist meeting his face and your soul leaving your body.
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