The Flavour Yellow

a small blog for emotions that i can't express aloud.

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:-)

unfazed by tiny window living,

lead me to the sea and the ocean free

bind my core to my dreams before,

my evil dance took over.

cdl.

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in twenty nineteen i will be fearless

I have been scared of living since I was twelve. 

Scared to be liked, to be myself, to be happy.

Life sometimes feels to heavy to not be scared you see, it’s scary because I can’t control anyone, I don’t know what is around the corner. I don’t know whose thinking, I don’t know anything. I have no control over it, and then there’s the other issue of actually living, the difficulty of breathing day in and day out, working hard to earn little, never seeing the colour you need to to enjoy life. it gets to you, you know? it wears you down until your self worth is thin and you motivation is lesser. 

It gets like that from time to time, it hurts a lot too and in 2018 hasn’t been different, but i want to change, i’m tired of being a coward, im tired of not being able to breathe and live and create without punishing myself. I’m tired of seeing the uncoloured life I lead.

in 2019 i will be fearless, i’ll care for myself and carefully listen to myself too. I realise that sometimes I feel I am worthless and it’s difficult to listen to yourself when you feel down, but I’ll be fearless and I’ll carry on. I’ll allow myself to laugh and freely love because, it’s ok to feel things and it’s not cowardly to feel. and I’ll continue. I’ll breathe fire and walk on water. I’ll be fearless enough to live.

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the world behind

She has built her wall and sits on top and stares

Behind her is a life she is always craving,

A love a heart a meaning

but in very front of her is all that she can see

The black hole that does no justice to the person she can be,

Every moment loses touch and all time has no meaning

For sitting on this wall you see she keeps in all in beaming,

With a crooked grin and black stone eyes is all the life can see,

All alone upon the wall is all that she can be,

In the way of the morning sun and protector of the moon,

Landscapes behind her can see her only just,

alone on the wall is where she seems most calm

But little does the life know of what is yet to come,

The abyss is slowly sipping and slurping at her feet,

they are already in the murky black wet fog,

Disspearing beneath her and she has already forgot

What the life that lives behind her and yet so much in store,

Is being washed away by the evil creeping shore

It creeps not over stone because of her mighty guarding

But it kills her day in and day long and day coming,

stabbing at her knees and her ego and her wit

She cannot move herself incase the mist does hit,

And if it hits the life , O the darkness she will feel

For it is already her fault that the summer seasons end

And she brings in the darkness that often calls for winter

And she brings the pins and the rot and the plague, which is why

She has to stay on her stone built wary wall,

For if she moves, for if she breathes

Her whole heart will fall.

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*xty is anxiety but i’m to muddled for emotions right now

I’m here. 

In a low moment trying to recover any and all therapy sessions however when xty* is this bad, it’s hard to breathe let alone delve into memories that are supposed to help. 

You can’t control others.

I can’t control others. 

I’ve been freaking myself out lately by wondering what every other person I see thinks of me. 

Are they looking at my hair?

Are they seeing how my belly pops out in all the wrong places and how weirdly long my legs are?

Are they seeing my face? 

It’s taken me a while to admit to myself, maybe everything is not about me. I can’t control what others think of me and that’s ok, they could be thinking that, they could be thinking nothing of the sort, they could be thinking about me or they could not even know my name, it doesn’t matter. The thing that does get me is how scared I truly am.

My xty sky rockets whenever I think about myself in a third person point of view. I’m terrified of what people think of me and what am I supposed to do with that? Do I run up to random people and ask them: “WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME?” Before I can even give myself a moment to breathe, my xty meets me and screams in my face, making me fear anything I do. 

Does this fear ever go away? Will I achieve anything if I do nothing about it?

For someone with terrible organisation skills this is the worst trait to have as the pathway to order seems to be crowded with thoughts and emotions. 

My fear of the dark went away when I forced my tired self to fall asleep. My fear of heights faded when I abseiled down a rock. My fear of the sea lessens whenever I’m in it. 

But how do I face the fear of being happier?

Perhaps it is staring me in the face. Perhaps I will see the answer soon. 

Please be stronger than me and live your life, lovely and happily.  

Speak whenever, 

CDL

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beautiful funny witty charming

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maybe breathing is good enough for me.

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Alright?

How do you know if you are alright?

Is it by the amount of sleep you get, or how many breakfasts lunch and dinners you eat? Perhaps it’s the amount of shoes in your wardrobe or how many times you have gone to the gym this week. 

I’m slowly learning that people get on with things even though they are going through tough times. I wonder how they do it. How they have the strength to get up, without complaining eighteen times before they brush their teeth or how they have gone thirty four years existing in a system that crushes them from above?

Each person is different I suppose, their coping mechanisms are different; the way their mind operates are different. I can no longer sit in an arm chair and judge someone who has endless emotions just because I have trouble with my own.

People make their own light and their own possibilities and I am in awe.

Is that how you know you are alright? When you can cast away your own shadow by projecting your own happiness and comfort? I wish I had the mind to explore that, to make a situation light instead of foraging for whatever blank page I intend to spill my words on to. Hogging the light for the anxious emotions that needles its way through and through and through and through...

If you are a person who allows yourself to feel, I applaud you. If you are a person who lets themselves love freely and finds adventures, I envy you. It is a super power I one day wish to install. The image of myself being able to climb is one I shed tears over, for it is not me. It is not who my mind allows me to be. 

The way people live their lives in beautiful chaos and never settle in to the misery mist that ambles at their ankles. They use it to bring themselves higher and engage themselves in purity and... live. 

If I could float on clouds and dive in oceans, I would. I am here trying to breathe correctly with people who effortlessly inhale spirit and exhale wonder and I can not fault them. They are alright. They are finding their own way, with their own minds and their own beauty of the world. 

I admire you. 

Please follow adventure in your alright minds, whenever you get the chance.

CDL

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it took all the bubbles to pop to tell myself 

it is ok, 

i will go on.

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Tales of a girl

I am not who I was and I am not who I will be

My limits are stretched with each and every inhale

I carry on with anchors attached to my ankles and perched on top of my broken shoulders an old goblin who will scratch my skin when I make a decision

With kings on horse back crying ‘Take aim’ and realising arrows into the happiness that seeps into my brain

Every eye-bat from the moment I wake up is photographing the war inside my mind, rejecting tears to spew and fall.

I am a being with bruises on every joint. 

I can only go as far as my feet will take me. 

I will bleed and go further. 

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I have an issue with humanity

Once, everything was new. Everything I saw I conquered. Every morning was a start to an everlasting day, inviting new adventures into my life, attracting all the creativity in me. I truly do not remember how to live like that now I am twenty and I’m no longer searching for adventure in innocent ways, everything always has to have a purpose, a plan, a structure. 

I learnt I have no faith in humanity when me and a friend spontaneously went to see Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again for the second time, all I’ll say is Young Bill and I’m sure most of you would understand, it was a later viewing and a Saturday evening and I did not plan a way home. We rang taxi after taxi with all the same answer, an hour wait. So we waited at a bus stop.

A bus came.

That’s when my chest got tight and I couldn’t resist the anxious emotion creeping itself into my veins, exploring all the arteries that it had previously lived. I didn’t want to be in the situation I had created out of a rush to feel something. It was an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame, as if I could even begin to enjoy life without knowing what would happen the moment after, without knowing at all. Enjoying life isn’t for me, I thought, it’s not my sense of style. Anything could’ve happened in those moments and nothing scares me more. 

 Emma looked over at me, holding my hand and calming my forever crashing nerves and said “Have a little faith in humanity.” Which is when I realised, I don’t trust people anymore, there is always a small devil on my shoulder whispering the worst of people into my ear, letting me explore the worst of situations that haven’t happened yet. 

I sit and I constantly dream and fantasies about people and places that will never happen because I don’t trust myself or others which means I’m not living a life, I can’t move forward because I don’t trust anyone, I can’t go on my own journey because I don’t trust myself. I’m never going to go anywhere at all, always just stuck in a revolving door. It’s lonely in there.

Has anybody else had this issue? And I mean the real life issue, not the ones you see in the movies where a cute boy sweeps her off her mentally ill feet and suddenly she sees the light and turns her whole life around, I mean that people that find it within themselves to get up and to learn more and more about themselves and what they want from life. Am I asking to much? 

Now I do believe it’s because I have been watching one to many Criminal Minds episodes and I’m a bit to involved in serial killer cases that freak me out until I can’t sleep because someone might be in my walls that impacts a lot but also because of the amount of hurt that gets passed around this world every single day. Friends I have seen get heart broken at 16, parents who split up, people speaking for years and years and then never speaking again, academia over creativity. Why do we place ourselves in such vulnerable positions only to be left with pain, who would chose that risk over such little reward? Is it because I feel so much pain I won’t let the risk hurt me even more?

Dare I let people in and allow them to hurt me? Dare I endure that pain or even heartache that comes along with letting people even half way near the door? Even if it means I explore more of this life? 

How do I even begin to start living this life if I don’t trust in myself enough to live a good one?

It’s totally ok to be unsure and to be doubtful because they are just emotions humans go through to decide but remember we also can be sure and confident in our actions, it doesn’t make us big headed or egotistical. It makes us stronger, it makes us known to ourselves and it makes us believe in ourselves instead of the constant negative backlash. 

I believe I have to start small, taking one tiny step at a time. Perhaps allowing myself to fall into the unknown without any fear, one day I’ll be ready to leap into the world as a whole and enjoy it too. I need to be kinder to myself because I know things too, I’m important too. 

As hard as it is for me to admit, we need to be vulnerable. We need to take chances and confidently strike them, I’m not sure why but we do. It’s weird and it makes no sense, which I agree is very annoying however something in us just yearns for it, the sensation of something probably.

I still need to try methods out, I still need to understand it more. 

I’ll see you when I’m the first person on Mars, I suppose.

Also, see Mamma Mia 2, it’s well sick.

Try and trust in yourself today, perhaps it’ll take you somewhere.

CDL

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What happens when I close my eyes

I dreamt of pill taking

Of flushing my soul away too

I can handle as much as I carry

Two daisies in each palm

I am the world that is crumbling

I am the earths crust to bounce

Containing anger and fire

Only to be met with Air and Ice

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Jewel thief

I hear the pitter patter

of pin prick rain drops

As you make yourself

more and more and more

toxic

The energy you realase is fake

it belittles your person

it partakes in death of your mind

You are feeding the snake inside that

wraps its self around your brain

and squeezes the juice of you away

All to look at yourself in the mirror

and like who you see

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Trichotillomania

Trichotillomania

Pronounced: Trick - Oh - Till - Oh - Mania  (Trich for short, we cool like that)

What it is: Obsessive repetitive disorder in which one pulls from hair. 

It all started at 9 years old, hearing the sweet words pour from a young teachers mouth about SATS, you know those tests you take as a child? Yes, those. 

“We’re not going to spoon feed you anymore”

Ominous right? Terrifying? You’re correct. I’m obviously joking but I was 9 years old faced with this option and I decided then and there he was talking about life as a whole and how you will have to trudge through this adventure on your own.

I felt alone, I felt unsure about myself and most of all I felt anxious. A 9 year old feeling anxious, this was not feeling I had felt as a child and so, I did the best thing I could do and, pulled. I started, plucking, pulling, tugging, removing strand after strand from my scalp until red, until pain until bleeding, constantly and never wanting to stop.

Trichotillomania has effected my life every single day from then. I’m self critical in most situations, especially in public. I’m on edge that someone will mention it, it’s so obvious I doubt anybody would, but it’s there lingering in the front of my mind, I’m always on edge and it’s so exhausting. 

I went through high school unable to be free, as a sagittarius soul is, I was always mean to people who probably didn’t deserve it because I was so mean to myself, I never wanted to be hurt so I always put up a fight to show how I wasn’t weak and how I wasn’t vulnerable, realising only now how weak and vulnerable I was because of my aggressive nature. As I spoke to friends through out the years they have mentioned how little they cared about the bald spots that appeared and reappeared through the years, one of the loveliest things was said by a friend who simply said “with or without hair, I still love you” and it was one of the first times I realised I am not just a girl with big bald spots looming over her life and I wouldn’t let it rule me.

Of course like any teenage girl I was already running into self esteem issues left and right and with this weird disorder I felt one thousand times more out of place than any one else. (The world revolves around me, obviously) Everything seemed very hard at this time of my life, friends were being young and beautiful and I seemed to accidentally isolate myself because I was scared from literally everything, how sad it was to feel fear every time I drew a breath. This led to a couple of years I am ashamed to say of listening to punk music and wearing black vans, listen we’ve all been there so quit the judgement thank-you.

This left me being a sad bald teenager for a very long time and I thought that’s all I was.

However, if everyone else is something special then so am I, but of course I’m a awful human being and my mind would tennis match back and forth about how I’m not special but also I am the worst human alive. All because of this stupid disorder my DNA decided to throw at me, cheers for that. I got extensions which were hot and itchy, I got them so new people who moved into 6th form wouldn’t ask questions about my scalp showing through the tufts of hair sprouting from it. I got rid of that pretty quickly because masking your issues don’t work. I would’ve thought I’d learnt my lesson however getting my first job I decided to wear a bandana to work, with two tiny space buns poking out the sides, if you imagine a massive hipster who has just decided to rock that man bun and hasn’t got any hair to actually do that, add a bit of weight and some boobs and ta-da! you have me at nineteen years old. 

I can’t say I have improved. I removed my bandana one day after telling people in work not to ask questions or be annoying about anything. To be honest I doubt anybody cares about my hair as much as me. I still don’t want to see anybody from school because it’s embarrassing to be seen with me, therefore I’m doing them a favour, obviously great for the self esteem that. 

I just showered and thought why not talk about it on the internet and to be honest with you all, I don’t know why I am. I think the point I’m trying to make is that your biggest insecurity doesn’t mean that’s your whole person, there is so much more to people than just the one problem they see with themselves. I’m done with thinking how hard it is for me because my hands decide to snap to my head every time I get hot, hungry, tired, sad or in most cases pure boredom, this shouldn’t affect me so much that I don’t leave my house or be always ready to argue with someone, because that is quite tiring and honestly I’m getting grey hairs. 

It’s ok to be vulnerable. It’s ok to show your flaws because literally nobody cares, that’s what I’m trying to get at, and if they do say something in a mean spirited way how sad for their soul that it’s so tormented it needs to point out a insecurity and try and belittle you, if that’s what they want to do with their day so be it, but it’s lovely of them to tell you about what you already know because you and I both know you’re a massive smart ass who loves to be all knowing all powerful. 

I realise now, at 20 that just because I have bald patches or just because you have an insecurity doesn’t make you any less of a meaning to life, it doesn’t make you uglier or grosser or more monster-like than the rest of them. For my issue, it’s hair- you know? It’s a really really weird type of hair style that, granted I did not pay for and if I did I would request, neigh DEMAND my money back and it’s just a part of me, it doesn’t make up 100% of me because I am more than just my habit or my insecurity.

You are important too and life needs to be lived with excitement about what’s around the corner, not fear. It makes you bitter inside. It’s not realistic it’s sad, and it’s not a bad thing to expect happiness from life. 

I’ve grown since 9 years old but I still get teary eyed like some toddler whenever someone mentions the fact my hair is proper weird. Perhaps I will try yoga or meditation and it’ll fix my problems and then I’ll grow my hair and live my life, move to the welsh mountains and forever shower in waterfalls but for the time being I think I’m going to try and love myself despite my massive bald flaw.

I’ll report back with my findings in the next blog post.

Think of yourself as a luxury and not a burden, it probably helps the old mental health thing. 

If you get this far thank-you for reading my word vomit of this. I realise that this is a very non-issue issue I’m talking about however it’s important to me. Trich has ran most of my life, it’s made me be ugly for 11 years. Of course I am in no way saying bald patches are the source to my ugliness (anymore my whole face and body in general is a bit gross too) but it was for a really really long time, and for the majority of the time I believed it. I still do to some extent. 

To end, (finally) love yourself because if anything it’s easier in the long run, be easy and enjoy adventure as it comes.

CDL 

p.s if you wanna see my baldies u can click here :-) [bit weird but i rly cant judge x]

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People Who Posion

The people poison your persons.

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The Beginning

I am starting this blog post out sitting in my bed, under the sheets, earphones in and half watching Game of Thrones and half wondering what am I actually doing with my life. I have been reading a friends blog (jessicamiller.me.uk) and have been inspired, inspired to start my ‘life’ (I cringe when writing that but this is what we’re here for) I am an over-weight twenty year old living for, what?

Nothing. 

It’s a terrifying concept to those who aren’t in your brain. It’s not like I want to sit around and do nothing all day although some days it does seem like the best option. I want to live, I want to see things, travel, take any opportunity to just inhale, tilt my head back as wind, rain, sun or snow messes my hair and cups my face and feel like I’m actually living. How does someone do that? Does anybody ever feel like they are living, other than just being an ok lung-breather? Is it ok to feel like this at the young age of twenty or is it only in the world of Hollywood does this happen and it’s not at all reality?

I don’t feel as if I have the courage or the strength to even begin to start living but I’m going to try at least! There’s not many things I finish or even start to be honest, I hope I finish this. My twenty years on this planet have quite frankly been wasted and I won’t stand for it any longer. 

I am dying to live.

I have lists upon lists of things I need to do, places I want to see and pieces of clothing I want to wear. I suppose we’ll see how I do. I can’t carry on doing what I’m doing because it’s taking me nowhere and it’s making me lonely. I feel as if I’m only here in ghost form I’m not special, I’m nothing wonderful I am simply, human. I’d like to be a better one for myself. 

I’ve researched how to become a better human being and I keep reading and reading, shaking my head as if ‘these can’t apply to me!’ I really need to stop thinking I am God’s gift to this planet anyway back to the research, for skin care and body care it’s basically drink water, eat healthier foods, do exercise and get good sleep. I’d like to think I do at least half of them (I don’t). Sometimes I’ll eat a salad and think “This is easy! Simple and so tasty, I’m detoxing and my body will love me!” however the sun rises on another day and I still dislike myself. People very rarely tell you about the long amount of time it takes for you become slightly healthier, within yourself and on the outside too. It takes bloody ages but we need to begin somewhere and I believe it’s worth the time to get there. I have even started doing a bullet journal, another idea I stole from Jess, I have seen some improvement of time management I just get down heartened by how ugly it is and how unartistic I am but I need to remind myself ‘it’s not about looking pretty, it’s what’s on the inside.’ (Aaand I’m cringing again, deep breaths) Perhaps I’m just bored or a boring human being. How many people get bored easily? I know that’s a big reason of why I stop doing things so quickly because everything takes time and how much is there in a day? Not enough I say! (Frankly that’s only my point of view because I sit in a dull bedroom watching some television show to fill the hours, I’m sure if I put more effort into my life I’d find a lot more time to enjoy... things?) I lack discipline! I like self control and I want things now now now!! A part of growing up privileged I suppose, the whole world is simply to big for my tiny bean brain to fathom and I simply shut off whenever opportunities come my way and pretend I never wanted to do them anyway because I’m faaar to cool to do anything at all (cool people only sit on their laptop, gawking at every hot person that passes along their screen and occasionally remembers to drink water, obviously).

I used to think the person of my dreams would pick me up from my dark pit and lift me up into light (with shaking arms and wobbling knees) and show me everything I have been dreaming for however life isn’t a fairy tale, it’s not a television show or happy ending book. It’s real, it’s scary and it’s lonesome especially when you’ve wired your brain into thinking things will be ok once somebody loves you. I’m pretty sure you need to get outside at least a couple of minutes a week (month) to socialise, the person of your dreams won’t exactly knock on your door and say “Wow, you’re so beautiful and your complexion is to die for, be mine forever!?” Oh and they’re attractive to you and get your weird sense of humour, that happens I’m sure so I’ll just carry on waiting by the window until one day I fall out of it. I have to be my own strength to start living. It would be irresponsible of me to ask someone else to start my life for me, they’d only do it wrong.

So this is the beginning of the start of my living. Every experience I will shake, sorry it’s not exactly a habit yet, NOD my head, slap a smile on my face and try it and in the mean time, I’ll be listening to Lily Allen’s album and bursting with excitement to get on the whole ‘life’ thing. 

Until then, stay safe and love freely.

CDL