A few years ago, a close friend of mine started putting distance between us. He stopped talking to me at work, he unfollowed me on social media. I wasn’t sure why exactly but when asked, he said that my depression was too much for him to take at the time. That he needed to shut me out in order to protect himself.
That makes sense to me now. It didn’t at the time. At the time I couldn’t understand how someone who considered themselves an important part of my life and a good friend could just so easily drop me without a word. It made me so incredibly upset. I felt it validated all of my concerns about mental health and depression -- that I’m too much for people to be around. That I’m a burden. I lashed out at him pretty horribly in the moment and apologized a few hours later for my words. But it hurt so much because it solidified all of my worries about how easily relationships can fall apart due to my depression. At any moment I could lose anybody.
Years have passed and we haven’t spoken since. I still think about it every single day though. It still influences me and it still makes me sad.
I don’t have very many friends these days. I used to have a ton but I guess I just kinda stopped going out and stopped socializing. Forming close relationships is so scary to me now -- what if they realize how crazy and sad and unhinged I am. What if I really am toxic. More-so, how do I even find the courage and patience to open myself up to people again? How do I respond truthfully when people I haven’t seen in so long as me what I’ve been up to?
I was told I was toxic. That I was too sad to be around. As I watch this unending depression swallow everything and everyone left in my life, I finally understand that he was right in getting away. In protecting himself.
It’s just a matter of time.
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