[theheartkeepsbeating]

All I ever wanted was to love you and getting loved by you in return, but slowly I'm starting to think that will never happen.

I am so tired and exhausted and it would be for the best for me, to just let you go. But at the same time the thought of not loving you, of not having you in my life terrifies me.

Every day I'm breaking a little bit more and I don't think I can do this much longer. I need to figure out how to let you go without losing myself completely, because if I stay, there won't be anything left of me either.

I never thought loving someone could be this painful.

[theheartkeepsbeating]

This week drained all the energy out of me, so yesterday I gave in. When you asked me, if you had to worry about me, I asked you to come over and give me a big hug. So you did.

You held me and when we got cold we sat in you car. After just a few minutes, you reached over for me and pulled me on your lap and for the next three hours, that's were I stayed. For the next three hours, I was safe and complete again.

Sometimes we didn't talk for minutes and the next moment you told me about the time when life was so brutal to you, that I almost failed holding back my tears or why I feel like I don't belong anywhere. And we comforted each other with tender touches and strong arms.

I wish this moment never ended.

[theheartkeepsbeating]

You've been living in my mind for months now. I don't think there's been an hour I haven't thought of you, since I fell for you. And now you told me, you can't get me out of your head either, that you've been thinking about me all night and day. I don't know how to feel and what to do. It feels good, but also so goddamn sad and hopeless.

What are we going to do now?

[theheartkeepsbeating]

I feel so broken, beyond repair and I know, if there's anyone in this lonely world that can make me feel whole again, it's you. Your touch could calm the chaos inside of me. Being held in your arms could piece the shattered pieces back together, but I also know, your arms aren't mine to be held in anymore.

But if it can't be you, who puts me back together, who will? Do I have to do it myself? I don't know if I have that strength in me.

Please take me into your arms until I feel complete again. I beg you.

[theheartkeepsbeating]

This sucks. All of this sucks so bad, I don't know how to put it into words. The truth is, I want to love you so desperatly, it's embarassing. I want to give you all the love inside of me, in it's purest form. I want to hold you with with all the strength I have in my arms and move my fingers through you hair tenderly. I want to be you rock when life gets rough and protect you when the demons creep up on you. I just want you to receive all this love. I would probably even give it to you, if I got nothing in return. Of course, I'd be utterly happy, if you'd give me all of this back, but let's be honest. I'd give my life for you, knowing I wouldn't get anything out of it.

Maybe I'm made for giving, always longing for a love that's equal.

[theheartkeepsbeating]

Again, I was asked if I am okay, if something is up with me. She said that I always look so sad lately. I had to take a few deep breaths, blink away the tears and lied 'Everything is okay'.

I'm sure she didn't believe me, I wouldn't even believe myself, but I tell them what they want to hear. Of course, technically, I could open up, pour out my heart and seek they compassion, but for what? It won't change anything and it will for sure not bring him back. And lately, I felt like that would be they only way to feel okay again. If he came back, I would get back my smile and happy nature. I would be the girl again, that they got to know, the one that appeared when you came into my life. I would get back my safe space, my protector, my rock. I could feel wanted and appreciated again.

I would get back my home.

But I know, these are just dreams, he won't come back and they will keep asking if I'm alright and I will keep lying. They don't mean any harm, I'm sure of that. They just miss that version of me and they worry about me, my parents worry about me, maybe even he worries about me.

I know that I do.

[theheartkeepsbeating]

When he asked me what's wrong, I was hesitant to tell him, as if I already knew what was coming. But he was persistent, so I opened up about me being scared of getting hurt, that I always get that feeling when people come into my life. How much it pains me, when I let someone in and they respond by walking out of my life. I told him one of the things, I'm scared of the most, he acknowledged it and did exactly that. He did, what I was scared of so bad and I don't think he realised how much it shattered my heart. Him leaving, left me broken in ways I can't put into words.

[theheartkeepsbeating]

Several people have asked me 'Why do you still like him?' or 'Why is it so hard for you to let him go?' and I always answer with a 'I don't know'. But that's not true. I do know, but I am also aware that no matter how hard I'd try to explain it, no one would understand.

He made me feel like shit and he hurt me and he surely doesn't deserve what I can offer him, but at the same time, he's still the one I think of, when I wake up in the morning. He made me feel like I finally came home, after being lost and lonely for so long. His arms were the safest place I know and when he kissed my forehead, it felt like he kissed my soul. The way he looked at me made me smile and feel warm inside and all I want is feel this way again.

Maybe, if I can accept, that the person who made me feel that way, doesn't exist anymore, I can finally let him go.

[theheartkeepsbeating]

You made me feel the way summer break felt like, back in high school. When life was just a bit easier and for a few weeks, you didn't have to worry about responsibilities.

You made me feel like a long car ride when a hot day ends, the sun sets and the stars start to appear in the sky. Still warm enough to keep the windows rolled down and the wind brings in many different smells.

You made me feel like the first glimpse at the ocean, after not seeing it for a while. The excitement to finally get there is overwhelming and you can already feel the salt in the air.

You made me feel like slipping under washed covers and inhaling deeply or walking by a person who smells really good and clean.

You made me feel like long nights with friends, when you were too young to get drunk, but you did it anyways. It was like the world belonged to us and no one could change that.

I hope one day, I feel like this again.

[theheartkeepsbeating]

What happened to the guy, that spend his lunch break with me, even though he wanted to go outside to smoke?

What happend to the guy, that used every free minute to give me a hug, because we both were able to fully relax in each others arms?

What happend to the guy, that always tried to make me smile and craved my attention, just the way I craved his?

What happend to the guy, that always came over, when he was close to my house, just to see me for a little while?

What happend to the guy, that I fell for, even though I tried so hard not to?

Why did you stop trying?

[theheartkeepsbeating]

I never really liked the rain, at least not when it's cold and cloudy outside. Days like that, I rather spent inside, where it's warm and dry.

But the night we kissed for the first time, it was pouring from the sky and I didn't even mind getting all soaked and cold. Because when you kissed me, everything else disappeared and when you picked me up to hold me even closer, I was no longer cold.

I never really liked the rain, but you made me fall in love with rainy nights, just like you made me fall for you. And now I even hope for more rainy days, so you can kiss me, while the drops fall down on us and pull me in to keep me warm.

[theheartkeepsbeating]

Falling for you is like running towards a cliff in full speed. It's not going to end well and the fall will be fatale, but the view is so beautiful and the path there feels like pure freedom.

Because every time I sit in the passenger seat of your car, I feel free and young. It feels like a warm summer night. And every time I make you smile, I feel like I just spotted a shooting star in the sky and I'm allowed to make a wish. Every time you kiss my forehead, I know, there's no place in the world, that's safer than your arms right now. And when you pull me closer, my racing mind calms down for a moment. And when you call me pretty, and cute and sweet, I feel like a piece of art

All of this sounds like the perfect fairytale, but this story won't have a happy ending. Because already now, I can see my broken heart, laying on the stones beneath the cliff.

[theheartkeepsbeating]

I know, it is time to let you go. It's been almost 8 months, that we had to say goodbye. When you left, you took my heart with you and I think it's time for you to give it back to me.

I know, I will always love you. No one ever made me feel the way you did and honestly, I have no idea how to let go of what we had and move on. I just know, that I can't do this for much longer.

I am terrified of the thought of loosing you, as much as I'm terrified of the thought, that our story might have actually ended, back in June.

But I am so tired. I'm tired of keeping this little spark of hope alive, that we will be everything we couldn't be, when we meet again. I'm tired of these lonely nights, when I try to remember how your touch felt on my skin. I'm tired of crying about you and all our what-if's. I'm tired of closing my heart for others, just because they aren't you. I'm tired of feeling incomplete. I'm tired of not being okay.

And I am scared, that letting you go might be the biggest mistake of my life, but I am also scared, that I will never feel happy again, if I keep on holding on to someone who's been gone for months.

This is the first day, of me actively letting you go.

[theheartkeepsbeating]

I told you, how you were the first one, that ever treated me right and that you showed me, what I deserve.

Your answer broke my heart and made me realize how much I still wish, that our timing wouldn't be this off.

You said that I'm worth all of it, that I deserve the world and you just want me to be happy.

You said all of this, after I told you I started to see someone.

And now I'm not sure, if I'm even ready to see anyone but you. Because after all these months, you're still the one that makes me feel so deeply. You're the one that makes me break down with just one message, only because I miss you so much. You're the one that makes me wish, I could travel back in time, just to sit next to you and see your smile again.

[theheartkeepsbeating]

I like to think, that there's parallel universe, where we are still sitting on that beach, falling deeper and deeper in love with every passing day.

[theheartkeepsbeating]

You have no idea, but I talk to you in my head every day. I imagine us joking around about funny things I saw or that I tell you how I didn't feel good that day and you comfort me.

You have no idea, but every night, before I go to sleep, I travel all these hours and you pick me up from the airport. Or my mind creates other scenarios, where you surprise me and I run into your arms.

You have no idea, but sometimes, when the doorbell rings, I get this silly little spark of hope, that you're standing in front of my house. I know it's not realistic, but it just happens.

You have no idea, but when I watch a show, I can't help but imagine you next to me. I know when you would laugh at a funny scene and sometimes I even turn around, just to see the empty space next to me.

You have no idea, that you are still my person.

You're the one I want to talk with about all the good and all the bad things that happen.

You're the one I want to have next to me, when I go to bed.

You're the one I want to see when I open my door.

You're the one I want to watch shows and movies with, while I lay in your arms.

You're the one and I'm afraid I'll never stop missing you.

[theheartkeepsbeating]

Yesterday was a horrible day, but then we facetimed and even though I could still feel the sadness somewhere deep inside of me, I felt better for a while. We talked for 2,5 hours and when we ended the call, it was 4am for me. I didn't mind it. I would've talked with you all night.

The second I hung up, I felt empty again. Like something essential was missing.

I wish we could talk every night.