Please help me survive and escape my toxic home.
Hey. My name is Moukie, and I need your help to escape from a toxic home environment. Because the alternative is great harm to me, or actually killing myself because that option is incrediblyĀ appealing right now. And that scares the jeepers out of me.
I came out to my mom on June 1st, 2018, and while we never had the healthiest relationship (she was always abusive, but she had her sweet parts too), I truly thought that she would at least still love me in some capacity. She would defend me against my homophobic dad and insist that if I was, that would be myĀ āchoiceā and has nothing to do with her.Ā
She led me to believe that even if she didnāt support me because of my sexuality, that she would at least tolerate me. That she would at least love me, still.Ā
She doesnāt. It feels like she never has.
My mom is threatening me with kicking me out, and to a gay black boy with shit credit and no money saved, thatās pretty much a recipe for insta-death. I donāt think or know if I would survive out on the streets. I have no other family or friends I could turn to or stay with or anything like that. I work two jobs and Iām still fucking broke because of all our bills, tuition, bus fare, etc.Ā
Iām tired. Iām exhausted. Iām consistently suicidal. Those ideas are back in my head again, and theyāre doing their damnedest to make sense. The trouble is, they really are. Whether or not I act on these impulses, the juryās still out on that one.Ā
Iām trying to do my best to survive out of spite, to live my best gay life without my family, to reinvent and live and love myself the way I was meant to live and love myself. Maybe thatās in Los Angeles, or New York, or Paris, or Seoul, or maybe even here in Canada. Maybe Iāll just move to Toronto and try to survive and thrive on my own.Ā
But I need your help to get there.
Every five, ten, twenty, fifty, whatever dollars ā they are invaluable to me and could mean the difference between life and death. Even reblogs help immeasurably. Between being stuck in this hellhole podunk town and house that has me living in fear whenever she comes home, that has me wanting to kill myself every single time she messages me to harass me some more because sheās fucking heartless. Iām trying to not love her anymore, to cut her off and distance myself and put boundaries between my mother and I the way I did and continue to try to do with my father.Ā
But sheās my mother, the way heās my father, and itās hard. But Iām trying to do right byĀ me, to put myself first for once, and maybe help convince anyone who sees me live my best life away from the toxic influence of seemingly permanent family bonds that you canĀ escape and go on to thrive and find your own family and make a better one for yourself.
I need help with finances to prepare me with my inevitable move. Bills, food, transportation, passport, tickets, rent for apartments, whatever. I donāt know how much to ask for. Iām just trying to get as much as I can as soon as I can so Iām not left with nothing and out in the cold Canadian winter and die on the street the way she clearly expects me to.
Iāll show her. We all will.
Please help me out in whatever way you can. Under the cut is some of the shit Iāve had to deal with from her. Not exactly the best idea to read if you have a horrible relationship with your mother/parent, fyi.
The kicker isā¦I really, truly believed that maybe my own mother, the one who gave birth to me and took care of me and saw me my entire life, who raised me, who I came from, would maybe, possibly, hopefully love me for me. I thought maybe my mother would understand me. I thought maybe she would love me, for whom there was never a time before her. She decided I wasnāt worth loving.
And I have to live with that. I have to live with that knowledge. That my own mother couldnāt love me.
God, if that aināt depressing. Fuck.
izzy806
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