❄ although one is full inside of the inside of the outside・one is on the outside of one’s own inside・and by getting inside the outside one remains empty because while one is on the inside ❄
this is a "secret vent blog" primarily but there are less unstable postings from me discussing my experiences, sometimes. i also reblog things that comfort me or are related to my brain issues in some manner
there is mature content on this blog and guro. curate your own experience, my tag system is under the cut and you can go and block what you want. there is a list that kind of functions like a dni/byf too.
I have polyfragmented DID and childhood-onset schizophrenia. I call myself a schizodissociative to indicate that they are the same unit of disorder.
Discussing and coping/having an outlet for this is primarily what the blog is for.
All of my mental issues stem from that one (two) thing(s). e.g., I have a disordered personality, but my personality development was impacted by schizophrenia, so I cannot "have a PD" in the same way I would if it wasn't. in practice, this means PDs are useful frameworks to address my trauma adaptations, but the frameworks are heavily altered to suit the way my symptoms present, and I may flux between different ones depending on which one helps most. I am most consistently borderline and narcissistic, but I may occasionally use schizoid and schizotypal frameworks. It is rare but I come across times where I use the rest of the PD frameworks to cope.
I have an undiagnosed physical illness as well. It's suspected to be an autoimmune or connective tissue disorder right now, and I'm expecting a diagnosis like lupus (sle) or mixed connective tissue disease in the near future.
❄ even the inside of the outside is outside and inside oneself there is still nothing・there has never been anything else and there never will be ❄
there may be untagged unreality and untagged hebephrenic spirals, i try to tag them, but sometimes they are not because i cannot tell. i appreciate if you link me a post and ask for tw tags to be added to it.
i do not partake in syscourse or care to discuss or learn about non-CDDs because that is the framework i use to understand myself, i only care if you are spreading misinformation about what we currently understand to fit into the framework of CDDs
i may discuss very 'taboo' sexual experiencing, 'paraphilia' is not a real diagnostic category and exists purely to oppress the queer and sexually traumatized while giving acting predators the insanity plea, the distress i have is due to my other distresses. this applies especially to 'paraphilia', but in general, if you believe mental illness to be ontologically real instead of theories about clusters of observed traits which are constantly being re-defined, get off my blog. leave your username at the door so i can block you, too
if you are a minor: understand that my relationship to my sexuality is not healthy, and you should not model yours after mine. you will be horny and you will want to interact with sexual content and i cannot control what you do with your internet access, but i encourage you to learn about youth liberation, transfeminism, and RACK, safe-sane-consensual, and trauma-informed kink practices. porn can be harmful only if others use it to harm you.
i will not respond to your ask if it is off anon or you indicate your identity in any way, that is the only rule of my askbox.
❄ my tags system:
#df: dolls, figures, #jk: jirai kei, #of: other fashion
#xx: guro, #ox: various objectums, #sx: ""palatable"" sexual expression (boobies tag)
#ct: dissociative & personality disordered & other trauma posts
#hb: hebephrenic post markers - usually i go back and add these after a fit has ended. this is to mark that my speech was highly disorganized at the time of writing.
#un: unreality post marker - same as above, to go back and add after a fit ends, to mark the post as being highly psychoticized and/or dissociative.
#asks: this one doesnt need a fancy little two letter funny i dont think. asks i get on this blog. htats all
i also use regular tumblr community tags when i want a post to be seen, on those posts I use trigger warning tags following the format "tw [trigger]." feel free to send an ask if anu post needs to be trigger warning tagged. sometimes i don't feel like something can be adequately summarized into a set of tags or that i don't know what to tag it as, so i just put it under a readmore and describe in more length the triggering nature at the top
and something that i may never be able to fully realize is that by age twelve i had already spent over half of my life managing access to experiencing a reality that was not experienced by those around me and in fact deeply incongruous with them
there's no reason to keep going into deluded spirals of "doubt" where you haphazardly choke out blatant medical misinformation you know is wrong and against the basic facts of the disorders you deal with. it was outlined plainly, you need a full comprehension of reality, among other factors, to fully synthesize and realize experiences. you were inherently robbed of not only that but the support you were supposed to be given for that and the support that was supposed to be supplement a regular child's emotional development while all manner of other things were happening at the same time. how many times can you really cry "i must be faking it because i can't remember any of it" and "i must be faking it because there's more people here than there used to be"? do you hear how ridiculous you sound? does this serve some sort of function to others? do you think they hear you and think "wow it's real obvious we deal with this, nice sarcasm, thanks for illustrating it's really real!"
no, they think you're cannon fodder when you act like that.
“This scary piece is a drawing by a person with a psychotic spectrum disorder. It lets you imagine what it must be like to live on the edge between psychosis and reality, what it must be like to experience things that aren’t real. Art like this lets us explore the scary, twisted, fascinating minds of these truly insane people…”
There are so many of them here and they keep showing up, some of them are permanent residents, others come and go regularly, some are one off, there's a brain-like structure that folds and unfolds in threads, it can look black and expanding and consuming, I don't know if the purple speckles are part of it or just my visual snow. There's a cat hidden in the moon and two butterflies and you can see its face more clearly if you zoom out. One of the leafy structures is a worm and there is something behind one of the mushrooms and another mushroom itself is a sentient creature, it shows its eyes underneath the cap on either side of the stem sometimes in the dark.
And beneath the textile alone is the man who's always here, what I think is his face might be a different creature than what I think is his body, but it looks like his upper arms are pinned up against the wall as they lower arms fall down at a 90 degree angle. i think he's homeless and has taken up shelter here. i dont want to chase him out. There's a vague figure of a corpse-looking thing that circles the box and has long strangly hair. The ghost face in the closet seems to be three different organisms in symbiosis, there's the face itself which seems to be a portal, it can extend its face in a worm-like shape and comes into my periphery to get my attention - it can extend multiple - her name is Coco - but the portal of the face and the worm of the face are two of those seperate organisms, they don't have individual names. And there's a shadow figure, I think she said her name is Sally, that usually stands next to or behind Coco. sometimes she comes steps forward in front of my door and says hello to me. she fingered my eyesocket earlier today and giggled. And there are various things that constantly posses the doorway, there's one man who is too shy to interact with me, he just prefers to hide behind my desk and stare. there's a worm-like demon face that lives inside one specific compartment of my desk and slithers out sometimes, it's hard to look away once our eyes meet, i don't want to think about how it holds my eyes in place
There's. I keep getting the deja vu thing, that's still happening, but a similar mindstate is also starting to make me question, when i see other people making comments i often ask "did i post that?" "is that me?" "is that person wearing my skin?" "did someone clone me?" and so on, both are happening more often. i think it's about being airspace, no, about being the vacuum inbetween "my" body's molecules, that both of those happen. The vacuum absorbs the body as the mask to claim existence and it is realizing the inauthenticity and thus the authenticity of being any other molecule aside from the ones that are defined as its body. time is a sensory perception, memory is a physically entangled thing, both are only observable from the outside in the vacuum's perspective, the vacuum doesn't get its own perspective at all, it just looks at molecules circulating throughout itself, barely cohesive, organisms bounce around and fill up empty space, empty themselves, so much fluid within them they're less solid than the solids around them. i'm more space than the ground is - why existing feels like floating
