The Jackalope Journals

[thejackalopejournals]

Hey, all! I will be using this blog as a way to express and explore my thoughts on gender and HRT. I've benefited from seeing folks discuss their own journeys online, so I hope that this virtual journal will assist others, as well as myself.

But first, some context...

I am a nonbinary person in my late-20s.

I use they/them pronouns.

I would describe myself as both agender and trans masc.

I got top surgery several years ago, a decision that I have never once regretted.

I would like to start HRT but am quite nervous; it feels like more of a gamble than top surgery, with variable results.

If I go on HRT, I will start with a low-dose gel.

HRT will likely be a lifelong decision for me; I want the long-term effects such as fat redistribution the most, as opposed to some nonbinary folks who go on T only briefly with the goal of lowering their voice or developing facial hair.

Feel free to reach out if you have any questions or if you want to compare our experiences. We are all on unique journeys, but it doesn't hurt to build community and to take strength and inspiration from one another!

[koth-harvest-final]

my transgender lifehack. stop using terms and pronouns that you "dont mind" and start using only ones that you like. does it spark joy

[setulose]

The one thing about gender is that frankly my ideal gender situation has very little to do with me and infinitely more to do with everyone else on the earth who cannot be fuuuuuuuuucking cool about anything ever

[busket]

ngl I feel like this archetype of the trans man who transitions and passes and then begins to join cis men in their misogyny and say awful things about girls without batting an eye is probably more based in hypothetical than anecdotal experience. not saying it cant happen, but all the trans men ive ever talked to are deeply disturbed by chauvanist men. theres an innate sense of "oh this guy is a creep" when talking to misogynists. and trans men may have had experiences of being too uncomfortable or afraid to speak out against cis men when theyre being misogynistic, but they dont just fall in rank because most often they know what its like to be a woman.

and its not like men are the only groups that come together to be misogynistic, either... some of the most misogynistic people ive met were girls; "pick mes" or "not a girls girl" etc. I think this idea that trans men are somehow more susceptible to becoming misogynists in order to fit in with sexist cis men is rooted in the terf belief that we are traitors who will kill all our morals to be men. but thats just not true.

[problematicghosty]

you’re allowed to be a boy btw. You’re allowed to be a girl. You’re allowed to be both or neither or something else entirely. You’re allowed.

[whyenn-reader]

''what if you regret it'' then you will expirience regret - a normal and unavoidable part of the human expirience.

[whyenn-reader]

the more you twist yourself into a pretzel to avoid regret the harder it will hit when it eventually catches up to you.

[vyvilha]

love when werewolf transformation is shown as painful. hell yeah baby i want to become my true self and i want it to hurt

[gleamiarts]

just some guy™

[pawberri]

If youre a closeted person somewhere out there thinking "I want to transition but it would be less progressive/unique/countercultural for me to be that gender instead of this one" please know that you are a real person not a character in a narrative and cant live your life based on what is good media representation. You are real you can only be yourself and theres no moral weight to any identity over another

[pawberri]

Liberal transphobes enjoy positioning trans identities as regressive compared to cis queerness or like non-transitioning transness or anything else they can leverage to make transphobia look progressive and I think its easy to absorb that message subconciously. But in real life we just are what we are and no ranking of validity can change the fact that you have an identity that is NOT chosen and is just your unchangeable truth. Not only should you not have to live a life dictated by what is most countercultural to identify as or whatever but also: being trans is extremely countercultural and feminist and leftist to begin with and theyre only trying to convince you otherwise bc theyre bigots

[pawberri]

"Why cant you be a feminine man society hates feminine men 🥺" and "all the butch lesbians are becoming men we need u 🥺" = stay in the closet for the noble purpose of being an abstract representation point in my new york times opinion column. You wont actually be a gnc cis person youll be a closeted trans person who uses the wrong words but I need you to do that because i hate you

[thejackalopejournals]

You know, I've been thinking about it, and another reason why I have this idea stuck in my head that male is the "less fun" binary gender must be all those lists I looked at when I was younger about how to better pass as male. They said wild things, like how you should smile less, apologize less, thank people less, look more disheveled, etc. I specifically remember one talking about how your eyebrows shouldn't be as sharp, suggesting that you rub your eyebrow hair the wrong way to make it look messier and larger on purpose.

I think that's really stuck with me. Like, yes, I would rather be referred to as male than female. But I'm afraid that maleness will come with all of those unpleasant and arguably boring things. Logically, I know that's not true. But still, I get this feeling like, if I want to avoid being misgendered, I need to do at least some of those things, and only if I really look masculine as a default will I be able to be truly myself without making people think, "Oh, is that a woman?"

[thejackalopejournals]

I’ve fallen into a bad habit of thinking that female is the “fun and customizable” gender, while male is the “bland and boring” gender. I think this stems from gendered fashion norms, such as earrings and other accessories, which I struggle to wear without feeling dysphoric—as well as the tendency for men’s daily fashion to be less flamboyant and expressive than women’s fashion.

Regardless, the result is that—while I hate being seen as female—I worry that I’m doing myself a disservice by leaning more towards masculinity, as if I should be able to overcome my dysphoria to better appreciate wearing the things that I admire on other people (such as quirky earrings with frogs on them).

But I have to remember that I can admire other people’s fashion sense without wanting to model it personally. More specifically I can adore fashion that is geared towards women when it’s worn other people, while knowing that it won’t mesh well with my dysphoria.

This is probably second-nature to a lot of people, such as straight men, who think that women are attractive while knowing that their own gender is male. But it feels less straightforward for me. My gender is ???, and my attraction is ???, so it’s hard to figure out when a feeling is about other people or myself. When I love a female character or admire a woman in real life, it’s not my brain going, “You secretly want to be like her!” It’s simply saying, “You like what she’s done with herself.” Now the question is what I want to do with myself 🤔

[lastoneout]

When they say figuring out if you're trans or not is more about chasing joy than hyper-analyzing your misery they aren't kidding. When I think "do I hate my boobs? am I really a trans man or am I bigender like I thought?" I get a lot of weird and complicated feelings my brain is not ready to break down, but when I think "hypothetically, what would my life be like without boobs" I can't stop smiling thinking about wearing all my favorite shirts and walking around shirtless and swim shirtless and never having to buy another bra or feel like my boobs are holding me back from doing things I want to do and it's like oh.

Oh.

[thejackalopejournals]

And now for some anxiety-dispelling efforts that are tailored specifically to my gender fears...

Affirmations for when HRT feels overwhelming and scary:

If you wish this could have happened to you accidentally—if, say, your body had produced this much testosterone of its own accord, perhaps instead of the estrogen-based puberty that you actually got—then it’s worth choosing and pursuing on purpose.

You could live the rest of your life disguising your dysphoric body with the most gender-affirming clothes possible—but why not make your body gender-affirming, too? You deserve it.

Billions of people are out there everyday, casually displaying their testosterone levels through their amount of body hair, the deepness of their voice, and so on. Why shouldn’t you join them? Why are your testosterone levels so exceptional that you feel the world might crash to a halt if you pursue this path?

You could look so good in swim trunks!

Imagine your niblings calling you Uncle Cam.

Most changes that occur on T can be countered, if you wind up hating them that much. For example, if you despise having hair in certain place, either shave it or save up for more permanent hair removal options. Detransition is a loaded subject for many reasons, but the fact remains that it is an option.

If you're worried that, as a nonbinary person, neither binary puberty sits quite right, then what does it matter if you "get it wrong" the second time around and don't end up completely satisfied? You weren't completely satisfied before, either. Odds are, this puberty will be better than the last. And if not, you will have a field day referencing the "two giant paint bubbles" scene from Spongebob.

Remember, you're on a very low dose right now. Your trans friends who are on high/full doses are still struggling to grow decent beards after multiple years on T, and they're probably looking at you terrified that you'll spontaneously develop a beard after three months of low dose T, like, "Oh, you sweet summer child."

In a similar vein, menopausal cis women are barely on less T than you. (Two pumps a week of the same dose, versus your three-on-the-cusp-of-four pumps.)

If you feel panic setting in, there's no need to quit HRT cold turkey. Take it one day at a time, and feel free to skip a day or two and lower your dosage if you're freaking out.

No matter what happens, you will always be there for yourself. You are doing the best you can and are only trying to follow your heart. That must count for something.

[toothfairyinc]

never let the fact that you were born a girl stop you from being the gayest man alive

[thejackalopejournals]

I'm going to try a new method to counter my anxiety today. I believe that the root of this fear is change, and that it's exacerbated by seeing or anticipating a bodily change caused by HRT. Even though it seems like gender is the triggering event, I don't think it is the only thing contributing to this anxiety. It feels more like the spark to a pile of dry tinder.

Other things contributing to this sense of anxiety include: 1) general fears regarding the future (Will I have enough money to maintain my current quality of life if disaster strikes? Will I lose more people that I love? Will I ever be able to navigate the world more confidently?); 2) frustrating email correspondences; and 3) a sense of inadequacy, like I'm not living my life "properly" or "to the fullest" (which likely overlaps with my anxieties about gender: Am I doing myself a disservice by not transitioning "more"? versus, Am I following a path of transition that is too binary for my nonbinary identity? Am I hoping it will provide me with happiness like it has for other people, when in reality I'm not tailoring it to my specific situation enough?)

So, today's strategy... Yes, I'm anxious about gender stuff in particular, and yes, I've tried reasoning away my fears regarding HRT in the past. But since I believe that this anxiety has multiple roots and that it pertains to my life more generally, I'm going to list some things that make my life worthwhile and that I'm enjoying/looking forward to. Hopefully, this will help dispel my gender anxieties, even if these affirmations are not directly correlated to my gender.

I love my kitty cats so so much.

I'm watching a new anime based on a beloved manga with a friend of mine and have those watch sessions to look forward to.

I have plans to visit friends in another city later this year.

I am capable of cooking such good food.

I'm part of multiple book clubs that bring me joy and help me feel part of a community.

I finally figured out what to do with my old chest binders and am confident that they will find a good home.

I have a great relationship with my mom.

It's a beautiful day today, and I'll likely go for a walk later.

[thejackalopejournals]

I’ve been on a low dose of T for almost three months now (three days a week, only recently boosted to four), and I thiiiink that some of my body hair has gotten darker/more noticeable. I see it the most on my stomach and on my arms.

I will be honest, though, seeing the darker arm hair has activated a flare of panic in the pit of my stomach. I guess it’s the fear of, “Here is something that is more often than not exposed to the world and that everyone can/might see.”

In the grand scheme of things, I know it’s not a big deal. It’s just a little bit of hair. It’s not like it’s grown anywhere new, and I don’t think that my voice has changed much, if at all. I doubt anyone has clocked the difference.

But it still makes me anxious, because then I ask myself, “How come I’m not more excited by this development?” Like, if I went on T, isn’t this what I wanted? And it’s not like I DON’T want more body hair. It’s just pretty terrifying to actually be in the process of acquiring it, you know?

[thejackalopejournals]

I’ve been on three pumps of T gel a week (Monday, Wednesday, Friday) for a couple of months now, and I’m pretty sure that I want to increase my dose, perhaps by working my way up to seven pumps a week (one pump a day) and seeing how that feels. I haven’t noticed any effects, besides thinking, “Oh, is my stomach hair thicker/darker here?” and “Am I able to lower my voice a bit more than usual?” which could very well be wishful thinking.

Today I was feeling brave, so I gave myself a pump on a Tuesday. Ideally, I feel like I should add a Saturday or a Sunday into my MWF schedule, but I want to be bold and try not to hold myself back so much. So when I felt the motivation, I let myself follow that joy. The siren song of a deeper voice, less pronounced curves, and more body hair, here I come!