The Karp Chronicles

The life and times of David Karp, President and CEO of Tumblr. Brought to you by Rhyse.... readers online

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[thekarpchronicles-blog]

Are you going to continue with this blog??

Of course! It will stay right here too, so don't worry about following any new accounts to keep getting Karp Chronicles on your dashboard. :)

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Congratulations, Tumblr, on your first ever scheduled server downtime.

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David Karp sat in his dark office cackling menacingly in the soft light from his MacBook Pro

His latest evil deed had nearly come to fruition and the tumblr users would soon be in a panic. David smiled a toothy grin. Not since lolsummer69 had he concocted something quite this deviant.

Suddenly his office door burst open and in came a complete SWAT team. They kept their aim on Karp with rifles locked and loaded as a tiny woman stepped into the room. She spoke softly,

"David."

"Holy shit" he exclaimed. 

"David don't do this."

David's eyes darted back and forth.

"David please. Think of the bloggers!"

David moved his hand back to the laptop as the SWAT team inched closer to him. He raised a single finger.

"DAVID NO!" the woman cried.

But it was too late. David's clicked the trackpad on the laptop and the team opened fire. The bullets ripped through Karp's impossibly scrawny body like tiny hurricanes. He collapsed to the floor in a pool of his own blood. The woman rushed to his side and held his awkward cheekbones in her hands. David, choking on his own blood, gurgled out one last sentence. 

"Did.... she j..ust post..... her own nudes........LOL"

[thekarpchronicles-blog]

David Karp sat alone in tumblr's server room

Sarah Hyneman, VP of tumblr, entered the room. 

"David what are you doing?"

"What do you mean what am I doing?" responded David innocently as he poured another mug of hot chocolate onto the server.

"Stop doing that! You're going to bring down the site again!" Sarah rushed over and took the mug out of David's small, fragile hands. 

David began to scream and cry. He flopped onto his stomach and pounded the floor with his fists. "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME!"

[adamusprime-deactivated20180809]

davidkarp evolves into davidos

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David Karp woke up screaming and promptly banged his head on the top bunk

Mrs. Karp burst through his bedroom door and ran to her pathetic son's bedside. "What is it Davey?! I heard you shouting on the baby monitor."

David lay back down and quietly sobbed into his Star Wars pillow case. "I just realized I've made a terrible mistake."

Mrs. Karp looked down at her son in remorse and softly rubbed his back through his flannel Spongebob pyjamas. "Is this about the post limit?"

David jolted out of bed, knocking his kindly old mother to the floor. "NO MOTHER, DON'T YOU SEE!? I placed a post limit but not a follow limit! I can't let users follow people when ever they feel like it!" David pulled out his iPhone 4S and called Sarah Hyneman, VP of Tumblr.

"Sarah, I want you to limit following to 50 follows per day immediately."

"Okay David," replied Sarah groggily. "But it's 3AM. Can I do it in the morning?"

David stared blankly at his smartphone.

Sarah gave up, "Alright I'm on it."

Mrs. Karp tucked David back into bed and then returned to her bedroom to pour a glass of vodka and cry herself to sleep. 

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David Karp slammed his fists down on his solid mahogany desk

"SARAH!"

His angry voice echoing through the halls of the tumblr office and the souls of its employees. The sound of frightened footsteps skittered throughout the building as the tumblr staff had not dealt with a Karp outrage in nearly three months.

A timid and meagre looking woman entered David's office. Sarah had not been summoned to do Karp's dirty work in a while and she was terrified to hear what he had in store for her today. "Hello Mr. Karp," she squeaked softly. "What can I help you with?" 

David's gaze remained fixed on his MacBook Pro. "I want you to tell me why tumblr users are happy." 

Sarah opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by David's interjection.

"This is my fucking website! Why are people ENJOYING my website?!" 

"I.. I don't know David," replied Sarah as she slowly backed herself into the corner of the room. "The site's been having great reports and our down time is at an all time low so maybe-"

"Maybe? Maybe what?" David looked up from his monitor to his frightened assisstant just long enough to send a shiver down her spine. "Maybe my users are enjoying the site I pay for a little too much?" 

"Yes, but David that's the poin-" Sarah immediately quit speaking and dodged an incoming stapler. 

"THE POINT?!" David screamed, but then remembered his anger management course and time served in the NY State Pen, he calmed down. "The point is users are having too much fun so we're going to limit it. Got it?" 

"Limit.. the fun? Exactly how are we going to do that?"

"I think 250 posts a day should do the trick."

"But David!" 

"MAKE IT 150!"

"DAVID!"

"SEVENTY-FIVE! NOW GET OUT OF MY OFFICE YOU BUSINESS CLASS HARLOT!" 

Sarah turned and ran, slamming the door shut just as a reclining office chair crashed through the window next to her. She stumbled back to her cubicle and fell to the floor, unable to hold back the tears. It seemed as though tumblr was heading back in the opposite direction, and with all the progress David had made with his therapist in the previous months, she couldn't help but feel hopelessly trapped. 

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What do you want to see in The Karp Chronicles: Season 2?

[thekarpchronicles-blog]

David Karp woke up in daze

Blinding white lights. Beeping noises. The hurried footsteps of unseen strangers. 'Where am I?' he thought to himself. He rubbed his eyes and saw a tube attached to his wrist. He was in the hospital, but for what? Suddenly the curtains flew open and in stepped two women: one in lab coat and the other in a floral print blouse and a conservative yet sexy black skirt.

"Welcome back Mr. Karp," said the doctor.

The other woman ran to David's bedside and threw her arms around him. She hugged him tightly and although David didn't know who this strange woman was, he didn't mind having her breasts in his face. 

The woman pulled away from their embrace. "David I missed you so much. I was so scared when I heard about what had happened to you and I've been here four hours a day just waiting for you to wake up."

'Who was this mysterious woman, and what did she want from me?' thought David. She had an air of familiarity yet a sexy mysterious and hip look that made David's heart skip a beat. She was beautiful.

"David? Why aren't you talking?" 

David couldn't take his eyes off her. He opened his mouth slowly, "I'm sorry. Have we met before?"

The woman's jaw dropped and she leaned in to focus on David's eyes. He didn't blink or look around. He was serious.

"David," said the woman nervously. "It's me."

David shook his head in remorse. ".. I'm sorry but-"

"David, it's me, Sarah."

[staffconfessions]

David Karp had to let some people go this week. Something about not wanting more than 500 people working here.

Staff Confessions  

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David Karp lay on his therapist’s bench, nervously playing with the gun he had made of LEGOs in the waiting room

The Doctor entered the room. ”Hey there buddy! I brought you a lollipop,” he said with a smile. “Cool gun by the way, can I see it?”

“No!” shouted David, turning on his side and stuffing the rainbow firearm in his cardigan. “It’s mine!”

“Alright alright,” replies the doctor. “So, David. Sarah tells me you’ve been having problems at work.”

“Work is good.”

“Really? Because it seems like your website hasn’t been doing so great lately.”

David flipped over to face his therapist. “So what?”

“David, what’s going on? Why did you limit your users’ messaging? Why take away their extensions? What is going on at tumblr?” asks the doctor, hoping to squeeze even the tiniest bit of information out of the 135 lb man-baby before him. “David? Why tumblr? Why not tumbler? Why is the E missing?”

David’s stern face did little to hide his quivering bottom lip, yet he remained silent.

“What does the E represent David? What’s missing from your life?”

David shut his eyes tight. He could no longer control the tears. His mouth opened just half an inch and he forced a single word from his shaking lips:

“Everything.”

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David Karp entered the tumblr offices, blissfully unaware of his entire staff's resentment for him

He walked straight past his receptionist, his moderators, his editors, his support, and his VP to his office. 

Sarah Hyneman jumped up from her seat and followed David to his office but he promptly slammed the door shut as soon as he made it through, breaking Sarah's nose.

Sarah entered sheepishly and covered in blood. "Hi David."

David sat in his reclining office chair but remained silent.

Sarah could feel the tension in the room. It was incredibly uncomfortable. "How was the hospital? I heard they tranquilized you... Sorry about that." 

David coughed.

"So anyways," said Sarah, trying to get to the point and out of his office as fast as possible, "Tumblr users just want to know what we're going to take away next. The reblog button? The follow button? Limit to posting five pictures a day?"

David rolled his eyes. 

"So what is it then?" interrogated Sarah.

"Nothing," replied David.

Sarah smiled and walked out of his office, but then David turned around and whispered

"Everything."

[thefourteenthdoctor]

BREAKING NEWS: David Karp now starring in his own movie, "The Unsocial Network"

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David Karp was in locked in his office and laughing uncontrollably

Sarah Hyneman, VP of Tumblr, was outside the door. "David honey I'm coming in okay? Get dressed, I have the key. There are some men with me, don't be afraid David. Everything will be okay." Sarah turned the key and entered the office with the two burly men. 

David was on the floor, rolling on his sides and cackling like a madman.

The two men approached him and cautiously lifted him up, only to begin wrapping a straight-jacket around the chemically imbalanced CEO. 

"Everything's going to be okay David." Sarah spoke calmly.

David continued to laugh.

"Why are you laughing David?"

David stopped laughing and spoke very sternly, "The users. They asked how they could still talk to each other via ask box."

Sarah raised an eyebrow; She didn't understand. The two men picked up David and began to carry him from the office.

David looked back at Sarah, "I told them they could e-mail each other."

Sarah gasped in horror. 

David smiled,

"BUT THEY CAN'T SEND E-MAIL ADDRESSES VIA ASK!" 

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David Karp sat in total darkness, reading Star Wars comic books by flashlight

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Suddenly he was blinded by light. He closed his eyes to adjust the change in his environment and opened them to the sight of his Vice President’s face.

Sarah fucking Hyneman

“David, we need to talk. Can you come out of there?” asked Sarah.

“No! Get out! No girls allowed!” replied David, encapsulating himself in darkness once more by pulling his Hello Kitty bed sheets back over his desk.

Light again. 

David jumped up from his seated position, bashing his head on the bottom of his solid mahogany desk. “What do you want Sarah!?” 

“Your mother sent me a message. She wants to know if you’re taking your Ritalin.” 

David’s pained expression turned into one of disgust. “My mother doesn’t tell me what to do!”

“But David, her and your father are worried about you.”

“HE IS NOT MY FATHER!”

Sarah jumped back. She had forgotten about David’s daddy issues and was suddenly scared of her demonic boss. She backed away slowly from his desk and towards the door. “I’ll be leaving now David.”

“Wait,” he said, slowly rising from behind his desk. “I have a new idea for the site.” David pressed the intercom button on his phone and begun to spoke to his entire staff. “Dear my valued employees. I am having a bad day. Since I am your leader, I require that everyone else have a bad day as well. Starting immediately, tumblr will have a 500 character limit on asks.”

A lonely tear rolled down Sarah’s cheek. The entire office went quiet. Sarah lowered her head in prayer, only to be interrupted by a single gun shot coming from the staff room.

David smiled as he spoke into the telephone again,

“And no more line breaks.”

[thekarpchronicles-blog]

David Karp sat in his office, cackling maniacally at his latest evil deed

Sarah burst through the door. "Mr. Karp! I can't belie-"

"I've been expecting you Sarah," chuckled David. "Did you see what I did?"

"Of course I saw what you did! The whole internet saw what you did! You deleted that Rhyse kid's account! You single handedly destroyed both his personal blog, and one of the funniest blogs in our directory!" Sarah was furious. Her face was beet red and her palms sweating. She never spoke up to David like this. 

"That's right," said David, spinning around in his seat and standing up to look out his window at the New York City skyline. "Karp Chronicles is.. no.. more," he said in his best Severus Snape voice yet. His impression was improving. 'Soon I'll make my own Potter Puppet Pals,' thought David.

Sarah stormed across David's office and grabbed his shoulder, spinning his 135 lb frame around with with ease. "Look at me David!"

David looked at Sarah and gagged rather audibly.

"YOU CAN'T DELETE BLOGS FOR NO REASON!" Sarah had never been more angry in her life. Her eyes were a fiery bloodshot red and David felt them piercing through his very soul. "Do I make myself clear?!"

"I had a reason though Sarah." David replied coldly while pushing her away.

"And what was that?"

 He could feel the power being restored to him after Sarah's outburst. He felt stronger and more confident than ever. David turned around and shot Sarah a look so harsh that she stumbled backwards. 

"You don't. Fuck. With Karp."