I remember a profound sense of alienation at eight, from my family, from the children I went to school with, to the people in church. That things that people were talking about were big concepts, flying over my head. The world was too big, too loud, to unlike me. I simply couldn’t find a way to fit in.
It was frustrating then, when outbursts of rage, bizarre focus on things no one else got, and a lack of “social etiquette” was often the strange behavior that distanced people from me. I felt like I was an actor who didn’t have the lines for his role, almost all the time, and no way of actually expressing this. I didn’t have the words or the means to convey it. If anything, I probably came off as aloof and weird.
As maddening as it was then, I’m very thankful as an adult for this. The path that led me to witchcraft was a long one, painful as I had no way to even see the chains I felt, but these sorts of alienations and otherness, are what led my eyes to widen when I opened my first book on magic, a gift from probably one of the first relationships I ever had.
The idea that this strange archetypical person, who was spoken of in hushed whispers by my fathers flock was real, and she was well, a little too much like me. She was an outcast, tabboo-breaker, heretic, and strange. Here was a means of power, embracing the oddness and queerness of self, and a silence in land.
It was here that my hyperfocus on interests shifted, and I became super enthralled in it, and began the quest.
It was here that this untamed chaos of navigating through all sorts of unspoken rules and authority, became lightened. I realized the program of the Order of the Bible, authority that I couldn’t protest against in society and home, were to be abandoned. My own untamedness could bloom.
That first spell, just a few candles in my basement, breathing deep and saying the lords prayer backwards (I’m sure more than a few of you could guess which book this is from). I felt many things that moment, and I was really touched. The experiences with spirits I could not share, the odd quirks that made my life unbearable as I endured silently, and my obsessions all sort of added to that moment; a moment where an intense buzzing shook me, a gust of air and a brush with something invisible, told me that this was real.
After that, I was on my way up. Here I am now, a young man with autism, and a sorcerer. I’ve traveled, loved and lost, walked on lands, fought horrible men, and found real genuine connection.
The funny thing about the autism spectrum is how diverse it is. I can only comment on me. Sensory issues, obsessions, occasionally manic drive, and empathy out my ass. It’s great, it’s horrible, and it’s living. This unique, the deepest self, fighting for freedom and autonomy.
I wouldn’t trade this life, enchanted as can be, for anything. Being able to actually love and embrace the self, really does a number on your practice and interconnectedness. So embrace the Unique. Abandon all your ghosts.