The Little Writer That Could

My own thoughts, poems, spontaneous short pieces.

[thelittlewriterthatcould]

I am not my current state of mind Or everything that has come & gone Twenty four years, my soul’s remained kind Despite all the damage that’s been done I know when I’m being weak, but stay strong The demons within have no fear Battle continues to prove that they’re wrong I cast them aside not to hear There’s darkness that slipped through the cracks Somehow becoming attached at the seam Constantly working on blurring the facts Their main target : my self esteem My heart shines without light, covered in gold Containing chips that weren’t there before & sure, there are parts of it that went cold Simply moments I no longer need to explore I am an empath, my compassion has no foe My strength perceived as an Achilles heel How foolish, unaware it’s the sole reason I grow My connection to the world, it’s entirety I feel.

[thelittlewriterthatcould]

This is me, All I’ve ever known is the hustle don’t know how to stay still but I can’t seem to get out the struggle like how is this even real Life, cause this ladder I keep climbing doesn’t seem to have an end people & situations won’t stop testing me I can’t stress it tho, I can’t bend or break, I know better than to give in when they talk just to get a reaction I’m more worried of how I feel within to give a fuck about a petty distraction Why we hate so much.? Or pay attention to everyone’s lives but our own.? So out of touch, with ourselves, running round like little kids; tryna front like we grown But I’m getting better at it, can’t loose sight of the bigger picture I just need to sit down & plan it explore new environments, get richer In adventures, with the ones who radiate positivity inhaling what constantly facilitates the creativity that’s vital for my thoughts, the love of words is all I got I see no individuality, this generation is sedated by the brands they wear to impress, & yet they wonder why no one understands that they’re empty, a hollow shell of something that once was convinced they are nothing unless they generate an applause so I stay away from the materialistic shit I bought never solved the issue mad cause I’m honest & realistic at least I’ll cry with you, fuck a tissue I know the road gets hard, but anything worth having comes with obstacles it’s obvious you got a guard, no need to dwell on it tho, we’ve all been illogical we all have wars beneath the surface, & if I speak truthfully, mine may run too deep I’m endlessly searching for a purpose, the voices inside my head won’t let me sleep but I am aware of my presence, cause I have more to offer than a shoulder to lean on, I’ve had my lessons I can testify no good comes from becoming colder take life as it is, welcome it all with open arms don’t mistake any sincerity for a false alarm not every moment is one I’m proud of, but I am neither a sinner or a saint & no one should feel like they’re not loved it only assures their self image they’ll taint & what’s the gratification of leaving someone broken.? why the obsession to numb our heart felt emotions.? good luck trying to keep it all in a bottle, when the top pops off, it’s never subtle, be in tune with the hidden truth, everything that contributes to your being there’s no chance of wasted youth, we matter, & every action has a meaning Are you living or existing.? Can you even tell the difference.?

[thelittlewriterthatcould]

I like the way you hold me when we’re cuddled up at night Your warmth gives me such comfort; It just feels so right I sense the distance the minute I leave your side But I rest my head easy, due to the caring you provide I’m comfortable around you, & I know that you can tell But I can’t seem to help it you understand me so well The laughter you bring never fails to console, You’re the best remedy, medicine for my soul The way you tease me, before you please me I just can’t get enough You remind me it’s okay to be both a softie & tough When you intertwine our hands, whether on a walk or in my car Brings total peace to me, because home is wherever you are.

[thelittlewriterthatcould]

Lost in the thrill of it all...

You’ll be my biggest mistake, my heart has reassured me so Yet I still find excuses to make for why I can’t seem to let go

I’ve pushed you countless times but you never went out the door Guess I never put up an exit sign even after my love hit the floor

If I let myself get lost while reminiscing I can sometimes feel your lips on my skin I know that I shouldn’t, but I’ve never listened too drawn to what’s become the greatest sin.

[thelittlewriterthatcould]

Let me take my time, while I slowly undress your thick skin I know you are fragile, I will kiss every scar of where you’ve been

You’re scared to trust I will rid you of thoughts that aren’t your own & with a doctors precision, I will heal the hate engraved in your bones

You’ll say you’re nervous because your mind says there’s danger But don’t let the fear win although it has become second nature

Let me peel away every flaw you see lay next to me as we watch them fall I want to see past the masks you wear that were given to you by the ones who made you feel small.

[thelittlewriterthatcould]

you're so poetically talented!!

Thank you sooo much.! 💜. For looking at my works & for reaching out to me. I feel honored by your compliment ☺️.

[thelittlewriterthatcould]

How wonderful it would be if someone dared to love me as hard as I’ve always done

Whose actions would bring a love without strings I’d be the moon to their sun

Can you imagine how sweet having no thoughts of retreat, finally confronting your fears

All the insecurity & issues slowly replaced by “I miss you"s that are undoubtedly sincere

How I dream of a beautiful mind that would remain open & kind through the toughest circumstance

A contagious laugh from a kid at heart who wouldn’t hesitate to take part on my silly adventures in romance

If only I could speak words into existence they’d be lowered down in an instant from the stars above

But my heart aches for a rare soul one that wouldn’t be whole, with a space reserved for my love.

[thelittlewriterthatcould]

The best lessons I’ve learned have been a result of my disregard for my poor heart. I’ve been broken for a couple years now & it’s slightly gotten easier to adapt to the pain. I don’t use my past to attain empathy, I do quite the opposite, somewhere weakness is our strength, & I’ve indeed been close to death a couple times searching for it. Where my mind reaches its limits, there is no end for my heart, I know not the lengths it’s willing to go for a soul it picks out of the haystack. Being damaged is as much a blessing as it is a curse. When you allow the idea of who you think you are to be ripped apart you learn more about yourself rather than of the person doing so. Sometimes in life we need such experiences to give us that push towards growth. A couple cracks in my chest & emotional scars in my head won’t define me. Not forever anyway. I know my flaws really well, whether I pride/shame myself on them. I’m a perfectionist with self criticizing tendencies. I’ve had time on my own to work on my issues but there’s always room for improvement. Patience isn’t my strong suit, & I feel like a lot of the times shit went wrong, it was because of timing. In some instances, it was out of my hands, in others I’ve realized I either rushed in or waited too long. There’s not a balance yet. I’m still working on that. But I think the obstacle that’s been hindering me the most is how I deal & process forgiveness. It’s a dear friend of mine. “Don’t let bitter souls sour yours.” But I’ve only mastered the illusion of being good at it. You see, my problem is the fact that despite my attempts to leave shit buried & let go of all the grudges, they don’t go down without a fight. They cling to me, digging their claws past my skin, leaving me scathed. Empty but full of resentment.

[thelittlewriterthatcould]

The Curse

I’m the one you stare at, when the one you’re with is nowhere to be found I’m the one you look for, when your heart’s been ran through the ground I’m the one you text, when it’s the last choice after your plans fall through I’m the one you mistake for oblivious, from the start deep down I always knew I’m the one you run to, when he’s not treating you like he should I’m the one you can’t leave alone, because we both know he’s not as good I’m the one you love to sweet talk, when it’s most convenient I’m the one you mention to your friends, as an achievement I’m the one you like to be with, after he’s done something wrong I’m the one whose arms you come to, when his response takes too long I’m the one you reach for, when you want nothing but to be kissed Because I see it in your eyes, he has no idea how to please you like this.

Never the one you call late at night, when you’re feeling overwhelmed by the world Never quite good enough to be let in, always attracting someone else’s girl.

[thelittlewriterthatcould]

My eyes have bags underneath, that I know most likely will never fade, Though I’ve wished for colored ones before, I wouldn’t want them differently made They carry a neon “Open” sign that I have always failed to hide But somehow I still catch them smiling, despite all the oceans I’ve cried Bridges burned, the lessons I’ve repeatedly allowed them to witness, Becoming fixated too soon; a bad habit, but I favor pain over weakness They hold every emotion my brain reminds me I’ve felt to the bone I fear it is the reason why I constantly have a strong urge to atone They communicate what my heart desires, hardly ever according to plan Tending to stare quite often, which can come across as a form of demand My mouth may be able to keep a secret, but they will give me away every chance I never learned how to sneak a lie past them, they always speak at a glance My heart’s on my sleeve, but my soul lives through my face And although pieces have gone missing, they’ve done so with grace There’s lifetimes within them, & rare moments of innocence that I’ve kept Along with the sins I’ve committed, the acts fueled by my demons; all in the retrospect.

[thelittlewriterthatcould]

Broken Beyond Repair

Being broken is detrimental to my well being. The nights no longer mean sleep, the failures, sweet nothings, & defeats all wait for me. This mind is playing both sides, & I get lost in the current of the tides. The cracks & scars are running out of room. Soon there won’t be much for the memories to consume. My past has yet to remain where it should. Hopeless romantic, proves to remain the truth. The heartaches have slowly taken away my youth. Tears flow like waterfalls when I acknowledge the pain. The drugs I ran to are no longer my novocaine. A lover’s kiss always goes down smoother than my favorite rum. Long list of disappointments shaped what I have now become. My libran nature will be the death of me. These hands of mine have never learned the proper way to let go. Can’t you see the marks found throughout my torso.? Push comes to shove, once again I’m forced to roam Dragging my feet in a destination unknown, Where the colors of the rainbow are monochrome, Another stray, hoping to one day find home.

[thelittlewriterthatcould]

I see the flaws you’ve sworn hinder me, when I look into your eyes

But mine no longer look down due to intimidation

I’ve only recently escaped through the grasp of the countless lies

That somehow never failed to lead into an altercation

Established a system, without any form of support

How else was I suppose to cope with the voices

Yes it’s true, my life, the substances began to distort

But no worse than the consequences of your choices

Fear kept me immobile, prejudice from society kept me silent

Your desire for control over my identity sealed my fate

Conflicted with my thoughts & the emotions, I slowly became violent

A shell of who I once was, consumed by anger & hate

Constantly trying to find any shed of truth that remained

Often resulted in a lack of regard whatsoever to stay conscious

A bird in a cage had more freedom, completely restrained,

I laid in defeat; broken, because even my soul was haunted.

That was the moment something from within began to ignite

No longer under the influence, the clouds soon disappeared

The story you had once published of me, I would now re-write

Greatest lesson about life is the one you coincidentally taught; to persevere.

[thelittlewriterthatcould]

Something That I've Never Had.

I crave a love so deep, so true; I would never fear drowning in it. A face my soul could find in seconds through a crowded room. I desire a connection of the rarest kind. I want to get lost in someone’s mind, forever cherishing every single discovery. I ask nicely to be let in. To be allowed to show someone my idea of selfless & unconditional acceptance. Our flaws don’t depict who we are, I’ll do my best to make sure someone always remembers that. The obstacles we’ve faced up until now mean nothing, except that we’re a lot stronger than people assume. Let’s discuss ideals & philosophies about this world at a favorite coffee shop. We all subconsciously judge one another but I promise I will never look down on someone for things they’ve done that they’re not proud of. We’ve all got skeletons in our closets & trap doors within our thoughts. I hope to help someone see the importance of being the most honest with yourself. This life is beautiful, my intentions are to repeatedly attempt to remind someone of that.

[thelittlewriterthatcould]

Vibes.

Poetry & music are the most important factors of my support system. Drugs help with the stress, but the words & songs give me freedom. I write the honest truths my mind never wants me to reveal. Smoke a blunt & get lost in the sound waves that become surreal. Whether on my phone or paper, the self expression is therapeutic When I'm feeling down, the beats come on, & the world is muted. Notebooks throughout the room half filled, confirm that I have yet to care for organization; But the writing process after weed & music have brought nothing but alleviation.

[thelittlewriterthatcould]

I cut myself off but my chest still feels heavy, & you missing in my life is messing with me Drawn together by our most common ground : pain, Somehow we both managed to keep each other sane, But I had a feeling it was only temporary, I knew you weren't meant to stay So why is it that my mind still holds on to you, I can't help feeling this way You're in every song that I sing, I wanted to give you everything I wasn't the apple of your eye, I was the one to go to, to get high I never minded though, drugs were part of the routine Then I noticed my feelings slowly getting caught up in between Substances were my safety net, but I found myself off balance, The thrill of the chase, had left me empty with your absence I'm not sure what I needed more, but I definitely wanted you I was taking steps backwards, because none of this was new Bad habits are a mother, they never truly disappear, I won't allow them to resurface, that much is crystal clear I'll let you go, in hopes that my logical state of mind returns, Knowing my heart's aware of the bridges this decision burns I'll save myself the suffering, I'll save myself the shame I won't show any emotion at the mention of your name.

[thelittlewriterthatcould]

Written on August 17, 2015.

“To whom it may concern, know that I am not coping with my issues the way I should. I’m going back to my old ways. The voices in my head are getting louder. & the only solution that somewhat mutes them out is these substances. But it’s temporary. & it doesn’t last anywhere near as long as back then. I need more of it now, bigger doses, more blunts, three different varieties going around at the same time.! Cause that’s what it takes now. & although it brings around company I love to be with & late nights & endless laughs, I just focus on getting high as fast as I possibly can. It’s like anesthesia to my mind & body, except I can’t stay under. As soon as I make the trip home, they come right back to the forefront. I’m not listening but that doesn’t make a difference. I can’t silence these thoughts that constantly do nothing but remind me of everything I’m not. Of my failures. My shortcomings. The acid rain on any sight of happiness. I don’t wanna do this shit anymore. I hate admitting these feelings of hate & shame I feel for myself. I hate saying I have depression. I fuckin’ hate what depression is. But fuck the pills & treatments they want me to take for it. It’s a mental illness, yes I know, but adding chemicals that will react with the ones already found inside the brain just doesn’t sound like the best idea to try & "heal.” Because this is the realest example of an “its all your head” reference. I’m convinced one can reverse the process of depression. I haven’t figured it out completely but I know that I can. I need to. There’s so much shit I still need to say I’ve done & so many places my eyes haven’t witnessed. Fuck pretending like I am always “fine” or “okay” so I don’t burden anyone or ruin someone’s day. & fuck you if you think I am exaggerating because I wish I was. I wish I could say I am content, I wish I could tell you that whenever I have extra cash I don’t immediately think of going to a dispensary. I wish I didn’t love the high so much. I never depended on it. It feels like a chore now. I think that’s why I don’t enjoy it as much. I want to stop fighting. I’m tired of my mind feeling like a war zone. I don’t want to be another tragedy. Another victim of this fuckin’ disease. I don’t want this plastic mask I’ve made for others to become a part of me. I want to finally get rest because my mind could run a marathon but my body can only do so much. I don’t want to be the reason others worry. I don’t want to be asked how I am doing or getting flaws pointed out to me. I know that I look tired because I am & I know I look high because I am. Thank you have a nice day move along. The only thing my hands are clinging to from the shadow of my past is those patchy memories from my childhood I somehow still remember, when I actually felt care free & like I was right where I should be because I just want a fuckin’ home. I want to be as happy as I come across to people when I am in a room all by myself.“

[thelittlewriterthatcould]

I've told myself that perhaps it's best to find new faces, but love seems to be two steps ahead in all the wrong places. I still feel my heart anchored beneath the sea. I try not to dream because my mind plays tricks on me. My lips have only met those of people I cared for. I'm beginning to realize why I've always wanted more. I want depth, I'd love to know what goes on in their head. I'm not interested in the ones who'd rather not talk & show me their bed. This soul I carry is not impressed by my lack of ignorance. I somehow tend to always end up consumed by cognitive dissonance. My brain's convinced the attachments are innocent, but the walls I built don't keep me from being intimate. I fall at record speeds, I've got scars up & down my knees. I'm running, in an endless circle with no direction. A desperate attempt to bridge any kind of connection. Trapped in a city where nothing's what it seems. Everyone's the same & no one says what they mean. My sanity's threatened, but I remain full of hope. A true romantic, climbing love's steep slope.