misfit-ella

[themfe]

The Most Brutal Honest

I won’t deny it anymore, to avoid some future psychological problem in me.

YES. I admit that I start fidgeting or feeling nervous or whatever people call it, over our (my boyfriend and me) incoming separation. Even I don’t know if we will separating or not. Well, I hope we won’t. Sometimes, I feel that I want him to be by my side in a very long time, like be a life partner, until we both decide to achieve our self-actualization (which becoming a lone wolf in the forest. really. I’m not joking). But again, that’s what I want. I’m still not sure if that’s also what he wants. Huh. So tiring (well actually not that tiring. there are a lot more others’ problems that bigger than mine) haha........

[themfe]

Really.. If you just say the word, I'll give up everything. E v e r y t h i n g ..... At least, that's what I feel right now.

[themfe]

Full of Love. Also Fear..

Today and these days, I feel a very intense positive feeling about my love partner. I don’t know why, but it’s just so intense. Could be because we didn’t have a chance to meet often, or because we’re being vulnerable more, or because the brain chemicals after our intimate moments. But since the first time we decided to accompany each other, I feel it’s just getting better and better (note that we just started about several months ago, not years, so maybe it’s only about the oxytocin troops. duh. hehe). It’s more like our emotional bond is just getting better and deeper. I love it. I really, really love it.

But, of course, it has dark side. We are developing a deeper attachment now. Maybe it’s a secure one, well that’s good. But in my self, or deep down inside me, I notice some fear, how if we have to go to different path someday. I also notice, while I’m writing my last sentence, tears about to peek out from my eyes. BUT, also, I notice some thoughts that I have to make the most out of my time with him now. I don’t have to worry about the future. Everything will be okay at the end. See, it’s a blessing if we know that there will be mornings, after nights.

[themfe]

Unpredictable

I said to him “good night” Here I am, still sauntering in the dark

I said to us “we might” Here I am, starting to see a light through the dark

[themfe]

Rindu

Pagi tadi, sebuah ketukan di pintuku

Membawa bayangmu di belakangnya

"Rindu", katanya..

Rindu itu madu

Manis..

Rindu itu perdu

Hidup..

Rindu itu sendu

Melankolis..

Sekaligus syahdu

Dalam..

Lalu aku jalan

Mengitari nafas pagi yang mulai teratur

Membiarkan angin mengangkut serpihan rindu ini

Biar perlahan hilang dirawat alam

Siapa tahu ia berhembus ke arahmu

Singgahkan belaian di wajahmu,

 atau kecup halus di pelupuk matamu

Dan kalau beruntung, sempat bisikkan,

"Aku rindu kamu.."

[themfe]

I Love You (like the sea)

Darling...

I love you.. 

Yes, I’ve told you about that

But I don’t know which one you see

I love you like the sea

Like the sea, with its width until the sun’s façade. Like the sea with its depth until the part that the sun couldn’t touch. Like the sea with the seagulls’ rejoicing voices and the proud walking boats. Like the sea with its welcoming shores, its playful waves, its inviting corals, and its emotional creatures

Do you see the sea? Or only the shore? Or only the waves?

Well.. I don’t know...

Anyway, it’s a sea..

It stays there, and you are free to come and go, you are free to do anything, you are free to be yourself

So, I love you..

[themfe]

Home

"Is it possible for home to be a person and not a place?" by Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss (Anna and the French Kiss, #1) Well yes!! "Home wasn't a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go." by Sarah Dessen, What Happened to Goodbye I recently feel this way. I went back home for Christmas and Happy New Year, and finding that my home (my ma, pa, and bro) weren't a home for me like they used to make me feel. Why? Well, I know the answer. Because I found and felt more home when I was with this guy. I didn't say that I don't love my family anymore. No. Big NO. I just feel that I have a new home, and I actually want to be there with him, instead. So, yeah, home is not a place, but it's a person or some persons, that could make you feel like home..

[themfe]

Scary

Scary..

That’s the conclusion of my feelings.

I fell too deep to his world. 

I fell too hard to his soul.

This hand, will push the “give everything” button, in any moment he ask me to.

Scary, right?

Because you’ll give everything you have.

You know that everything you have now is not yours anymore.

But you still nod for that.

Nod then nod.

You’re ready to donate your feelings, your mind, your physic, your soul - your whole life.

Scary, right?

Yes, it’s scary, but this is the scary type of feeling that you always looked for.

Like the scary feeling of death that keep you live.

Like the scary feeling of a phobia that save you.

Scary....

[themfe]

Fuck My First Date Preparations!

Hello!

It’s been a while since my last post..

Okay..

Tomorrow, I’ll hang out (or maybe you can call it a date :3) with a man who has hijacked my mind and my heart for this last one year. I’ve posted some things about him in some of my previous posts. Well, I still don’t know what will happen tomorrow, how we’ll connect and try to know each other, but one thing I know, everything’s gonna be fine.

By the way this is my first date again since 2 years ago, after my broke up with my boyfriend.

Honestly, I feel nervous. Well who doesn’t. I read some articles about dating tips, questions about what to ask on first date, fun date ideas, and of course articles about “signs he likes you”. I even washed my motorcycle (because he’ll use public transportation to get to my place and we’ll use my motorcycle to go to the date venue. He’s about 1 hour ride from my place by the way. Did I ever mention that?).

But, I still feel nervous and everything. I keep searching what things I have to prepare, until I found an article about loving someone unconditionally.

I read it and something slaps me very hard. And that something is my own heart, my own mind, myself. I always search for a true connection, a true intimacy, a true definition of loving someone, but why I have to prepare. Well, yeah of course we have to prepare and not blindfolded-ly go to a date, so to speak. But, it’s actually not what I’m looking for.

I’m not looking for a perfect date anymore, that means I don’t have to be perfect. And also because actually deep down I don’t want him to be perfect. I want him to show his imperfection in front of me, because that’s what will make a love last. Then why the hell I have to be perfect, right?

So, yeah, things I’ll do today is meditate and mediate my own self, to the realm of my deep core, my deep shadow and light. To know about me more, to make myself a fun person to myself.

And tomorrow, I’ll present myself, my odd and sweet side, my dark and cheerful side, my bad and good habits, and my lessons I’ve learned and my hopes for my future.

Cheers!!! :D

[themfe]

An Optimist? Or a Fool?

I came. Although no news from him, I still came. I thought positively. I'm going to wait. There must be reasons why he didn't give me any news. If he still doesn't came, it's fine. There are still many events to tell him. As long as he still interested haha. Maybe yeah I'm trying to hide my sadness, but I'm happy and totally fine. If he doesn't come, I'll just eat some burgers while reading a book. Well, more me-time for me!! Hahaha

[themfe]

Another Stupid Diary

Well like the title; this one will be another stupid diary of me. About my lost-and-found self.

I kinda lost myself and found myself in the same time these days. No, these months. It’s like “apparation” or “portkey” in Harry Potter. But a sudden one. So it’s like when I touch something, I suddenly moved to a place, whether it’s familiar or a new one. Then when I already walk deeper to know that place, even like it already, I touch something then I was moved again. Made me feel jet-lag, dizzy. It happened a couple of time, until I started to acknowledge the pattern. The pattern to myself. The pattern to what I want, to answers I seek.

Yes, those “portkey”s appear between my college tasks, my procrastination behaviour to them, my struggling to manage myself, my motivation to be a psychologist, my vision to be a world-changer, my new complicated FWB relationship with my best friend, my discovery to my dark side, my deep feeling to this guy, my theater hobby, and also my family problem. They are the places, where I keep circling around randomly between them. And that’s shit. It’s fucked up. It’s a mess.

When I try to see clearly and try to find a solution for it, the portkey just shows up again and take me to another place. It’s like I want to enjoy all the ride but it’s too complicated, and me myself is messy. But honestly I kinda want it more and more. This complication just started to make sense for me. Don’t know why.

That’s why I said this is another stupid yet intriguing diary of me. Haha.

[themfe]

Where?

Where's my Puddin'..? :(

[themfe]

An Understanding and A Readiness

I don’t know but I kinda feel that I finally know why I came to this place. Why I decided to take my master degree instead of taking a job first. Maybe I have to so I can meet him. Maybe.... I begin to realize that I have to go through that uncertainty with G (the guy that I sent a letter to), so I finally go to this place. Well, life is that tricky yet magical in the same time. Trick and magic, yes, like a rabbit and a hat. Unbelievable yet beautiful.

So, are you ready?

Yes, I am!

Ready to ride the roller coaster? Ready to sail the pacific ocean? Ready to feel angel and evil in the same time?

YES!!

Ready to go through it all with this special man?

YES!!

Ready to trust, to grow, to support, and the most challenging, to love?

I AM READY!!

Okay, soooo BRING IT ON!!! I AM READY!!!! ^^ <3

[themfe]

In An Alternate Universe

In an alternate universe, there's a girl who works on her goals, her dream. Her TRUE DREAM. And she just do whatever she wants to do, without caring what other people say to her. Care no one, but her. She has pain, trouble, only from pursuing her dream, and not the other dream that is not hers.

[themfe]

Subjective. Unique. Idiographic.

Talking about human, each of them is unique. And me too, because I’m a human. Well. I don’t know why I have this thought, but I just want to let it out. So, recently I got into a theater club in my current city now. And tomorrow, I’ll watch a theater performance at a city near my city (about 3 hours by car). I actually has to go to work tomorrow, but duh, I have an event to attend hehe. So, yeah, I chose to watch the performance than go to my internship process because PRIORITY. Yes, theater now is my top priority. AND, the thought that I have is because my friends maybe think that I’ll have fun, pure having fun. But, actually it’s different. I am having fun, but I also do some saving for my dream later. Then what will I save? Knowledge, experience. This is because the performers are from a very famous theater club in Indonesia. That’s why I want to learn and not just enjoying it.

[themfe]

I'm Ready!

Yes, maybe some of you will laugh, will say that it's ridiculous, will say it's nonsense. Maybe my ma and pa included in them. But, I have myself that believe in myself and it's enough. And I'm sure some of you also supports me for whatever my dream is. So, although this road will be bloody and full of stones or demons, I'm ready. I'm totally ready ;)

[themfe]

So, I have a new dream. and I feel a very great rage with this inside my heart. This is what I actually have to do since long time ago, but well never too late to start right? This dream is kinda big. Nope. It’s BIG. Huge! Even my long term is BIIGG. It’s about Hollywood, about word “Action!” and"Cut!“. And now actually I still feel inferior but I’ll develop myself so I can be ready for that. That’s why I join a theater club and a martial art club. While, I finish my master degree. And hopefully these motivate me to finish my master degree faster this year. Because my parents already know this and I’ll show everyone and especially myself that I have something that I can offer to the world. For the first time in my life, I can feel so alive and for the first time in my life I know what I want to do!

So, wish me luck! ;)