Writing to think...being a Shane Hollander
So I guess I'm a tumblr journaler at this point? This is a long post about identifying with the character Shane Hollander on several fronts. It's not necessarily meant to get your attention, but you're welcome to read and comment if you want.
So, while, YES, I am a full-on loon for heated rivalry in all its forms because it's hot and sincere and also funny and I love all the people involved with it (just wanna establish I enjoy it as a whole), A large part of my obsessive-level of time dedicated to just thinking about it is Shane Hollander, the character, his depiction in the books, the show, fanfics, and people's discussion of him.
Context: My order of exposure was TV Show, then books, then fanfics, then fan discourse via TikTok & tumblr.
Other context: I am one of the many people who dove into TikTok for the first time during covid times and of the many discussions that resonated with me, being an adult woman with (potentially) undiagnosed autism REALLY stuck with me.
So I watch the show, read the books, love it. Then start seeing discourse about defending Hudson's portrayal of Shane - defending from what I wondered? Well, some people thought he was stiff. No, others explained, he was just accurately portraying a "flat affect" that neurodivergent/autistic people have sometimes/a lot of times. But like, I absolutely LOVED Hudson's acting because I thought it was SO realistic - I often can't invest in shows/movies because of what I consider "overacting" and...ohhhhhhhh. I have a flat affect myself, huh?
Then there's the achievement thing. I'm not trying to preen here, it's just a fact: I was THAT student and dancer. I won all the things. I was set up as a standard. Perfection was the norm. In academia and in dance, I only ever expected perfection - and only perfection was ever expected of me. To this day I can recount in detail the mistakes that I made because they were so rare. And at the time they were devastating, despite being normal mistakes other people made all the time.
I also left my own "Montreal" - a place I loved - because of toxicity. As long as I was perfect, I was the darling of my community. The first time I deviated, the slightest push-back, I was an entire pariah. And this is entirely separate from my actual coming out as bisexual and part of the LGBTQ+ community. My relationship with this place is so incredibly poisoned for me, despite being put on a pedestal there my entire (former) life. I am now in another location, my "Ottawa" - and I have the most supportive community that loves me for my authentic self.
So, reading people's reflections and headcannons about Shane is something I can't help but use as self-reflection material. Some of it is uplifting (like how much people - and Ilya - LOVE him. It's actually making me feel more loveable in real time. And I have my own "Ilya" with me since our teenage years who will yell his love for me from the rooftops - so my insecurity is not due to lack of his efforts).
Other stuff is painful. Not in a way that I think people are malicious or wrong to say it, but it's strange to be figuring out people see aspects of yourself as "othering" traits that you thought were just normal (some traits are cannon, others are established fanfic headcannons). Like, yes I always felt like a bit of an outsider, but I wasn't even aware that these traits may have contributed to it.
Again, Shane's "flat affect" as acted out by Hudson Williams.
"Not crying" by not letting tears fall.
Wanting quiet focus-time to get ready instead of cutting up/ goofing around.
Wanting my alone space - even more than some special opportunity (like Shane wanting his cabin over the event with royalty or whatever).
Wanting explanations/reasons for a change. Or reasons for things in general. The drive to have to know "why?"
Planning things out in advance. Like, planning for contingencies and long-term ideas.
Being a bad liar/ strong aversion to lying/ bad detector of lies. This I have been learning outside of HR, but I still have a hard time coming to terms with how common lying is? Like, everyone is just going out and lying all the time?!?! And everyone's so comfortable with it they can just do it well enough that people believe them? And like, Shane checking on Ilya, but Ilya saying he's okay in general, just tired/stressed. Like, I too, would be worried but if you tell me about how you're feeling, I'm going to trust you...because it feels really absurd/nervy to throw an accusation like "i don't believe what you're telling me about yourself - you're either lying or I'm claiming that I know you better than you know you." Especially for something like a diagnosis I'm not qualified to give - like depression. I've told you I'm worried, and I'll keep an eye on you still, but I'm going to stop short of arguing with you about how you feel. That seems...how are people expecting someone to do that?
Overwhelm. I thought everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes, but apparently, the way Shane gets overwhelmed is different. ??? I still don't get this...all of his overwhelmed scenes make sense to me and are normal reactions to me.
Not understanding conversational "games" and "strategy" like the whole tuna melt debacle - you mean it's a character quirk that Shane didn't pick up on Ilya fishing for information by talking about all the women he spends time with? I'm sitting here, agreeing with Shane - obviously, that's a way to communicate "I'm not taking this too seriously, because you are one of many people." So yeah, I'd freak out too if we are acting like a couple but you just told me you don't like me as a person and I'm just one of many.
Ending on a funny one. The socks stay on. LOL. My feet get cold and that gets...distracting when I don't want distractions.
And so add this time spent in the HR fandom space as the next step to accepting that I am probably actually autistic.
Yes, I think so, probably.💕
