Life.
I don't know where we went wrong or why it couldn't be fixed. I spent nights replaying scenarios in my head wondering how I could fix things, but they didn't want to be fixed. They got worse. No matter how much I tried to avoid a situation, it still happened. There were times when I felt I loved you the most & tried to appreciate you,but you never saw it. You only saw yourself and what you were going to get out of it. I don't want to let go of the love we had or of the family we made. But every other night was the same: out late, come home drunk, start an argument, no sleep for us. I tried so hard to make us a home, but you burned it down with your own hands. My babies matter the most to me. I can't allow them to get caught up in this terrible situation. I don't want them to grow up without a father's love, but the decision was inevitable. It wasn't so much about the money, but the way you were going to be a father to my babies. I'm 30 weeks pregnant of course I'm going to get temperamental. & to go through a second pregnancy basically alone again, I'd rather have this baby grow up not meeting his father or wanting his love and attention the way Nicholas does. You don't know how much a mother's heart breaks to see their baby that way even though your own mother went through it. Nicholas doesn't even get interaction with you everyday. When he's around you, you ignore him like he wasn't there to begin with. He doesn't even know what it's like you playing with him. Baby's been kicking since month 5, but you haven't felt a single one. You haven't been to a single appointment. It's hard being pregnant and not being able to do some things, but no one helps you out. No one asks you if you need anything or even talks to you for that matter. I'm struggling to keep my composure. This hurt, this feeling of being unwanted, I'm falling apart and no one understands. But my boys need their mom to be strong. When that stranger told me God wanted her to let me know everything's going to be okay before any of this happened, I didn't believe there was a God watching over us. I assumed she was just another God loving white lady, but now I do believe. He knew the path I had to take & told me I'm going to be okay, that we're going to be okay. We're going to struggle, really hard, that I know. If their father can change and see how important his family should be to him, then I could consider letting him back into our lives. Even the person he hates the most, my dad, wants us to stay a family. If not, then a single mother I am. Life wants to knock me down hard on my ass, but I can't let it, not a chance in the world, for my boys.
