I avoid ghosts of my pasts--mainly ex-boyfriends--like the plague. There are those selected few who have stuck and never left the ridiculousness tornado of emotions that is my head and my heart.
However, what am I to do when a ghost of my past--a really important one too--just shows up like nothing in life has ever happened or really changed?
I played along smooth; tactful. Keeping my defenses on, but knowing nothing could really pummel me down anymore--I have a wonderful life with a wonderful special someone, a job, college, friends and my mother. Really, I don't need anything less or anything more, everything is pretty satisfying as is. But this ghost, this haunting just stumbles into my life and intervenes--settles itself right in the middle like a little nuisance. I'm too nice to say no; I'm perfect little openhearted and welcoming Lilly because that's who I truly am and there is no real shame in hiding it.
What a mess... what have I gotten myself into? What the fuck did I really do?
This past presence who was a strong being and part of my life back then already has its own life as well--a significant other in holy marriage, a child, a job and everything is going so swell. Of course, there were those problems in that marital union and I was the only outlet resort for, well, dislodging the rocks on their shoulder. I'm more than happy to be anyone's ears if even for an evening; everyone needs a friend.
Really, what the fuck did I get myself into? I know it's not very lady-like for me to curse, but this is way beyond my control and already a poison in my system I need to immediately purge and continue with my life as if nothing ever happened.
Sigh. The person did their research--they found me on Facebook and proceeded to message me after the whole friend request shenanigan I was more than happy to accept. After digits were exchanged, that little wisp of annoying smoke began to call me (at work, nonetheless) and text me. I did not pursue this at all nor did I encourage this--I was being nice, which I should learn that it always leads to my disaster.
Well, I thought nothing of it. I was ears to the person's sorrows and problems and was there for suggestions and for caring. I tended to their problem, related and tried to make their life better with a comment or something. We exchanged a couple of life stories, updated about what's been going on these years of no talking and after a while, I didn't hear from them.
I got a tad worried with knowing about these problems and all, so I decided to send a text demonstrating my worry and asking for their okay. As always, the text just said a simple, "Everything is going downhill; can't talk, I'll call tomorrow," and tagged along to it was a little surprise, "thank you for not forgetting about me."
I left it be, replying with a simple, "Just wanted to know if you were alright," and to be nice, I added, "Of course. I could never forget about you." All in good nature, I promise.
I never anticipated such a horrible night through a few measly texts.
The significant other began to text me, threatening me, my life and to leave them alone and happy. I, being the dumb little justified and nice girl I am, defended my friend believing that was the right thing and well, their rightful place. I had heard horrible things about this person and I wasn't okay with that. I was just voicing what I thought should be heard.
Immediately, I contacted my "friend," to avoid anything serious communicating that they should tell their lover to stop threatening me. I've done nothing wrong or have pursued anything. I'm innocent party--I wasn't involved in this, it's all one-sided and in no way have I influenced anything in their relationship.
My defenses were gone in vain. Everything I had said was of no meaning at all and the rightful place I put said friend in was batted away like trash. I was told to stop contacting them, to leave them alone because I didn't want any problems.
Now, I would always see the reasoning in this case... but I had defended them like the stupid ass blind and naive girl I am. I expected something in my defense from their part. No.
Too blinded by my anger, I proceeded to irrationally say that I thought they were different but they just proved they were like every other scum and vermin known to human kind. I never anticipated this drama nor did I wanted to ever be included in it in the first place.
While the offended lover kept sending angry, ridiculous texts, I was kept trying to get some sense into my friend, some semblance of response that this was all a joke and they were doing it just because they wanted to keep superficiality in front of their abusive other, but no. All I got were more insults, a lot of them which hurt and hit very down-low and sensitive spots that were daunting memories and feelings still lingering in my fragile heart. Very insensitive things like, "You were just a toy to me," and, "I never loved you." And while I don't care for more of the latter part--I have my significant other whom I love and only have eyes for, that was still a very low blow. More so the part in which they overstated that they really didn't care and made it seem as I was the causer of this problem or I was the one who had pursued the whole situation in the first place.
I don't know about anyone else, but I personally think this was very unjust and that I should have received at least a, "I'm sorry, I don't want any problems and this is the way it has to end." Not all the faggotry and bullshit that went through in those texts that left me very wounded and angry at myself for ever letting this happen in the first place. For ever letting myself permit that any strong ghost of my past like that intrude my life--for ever welcoming them with open arms like a best friend. It only led to tragedy, and my stupid little heart was once again (because I let my guard down) very much damaged and shown that the world is very ugly and that people simply can be the trash that they hide through facades and smiles.
Never again, I vow. I'm tired of this shitty situations happening and I'm very much tired of this injustice. I purged the drama from my life, I live in peace and harmony and would like to keep it that way. It's sad to see a very good and close friend to my heart go that way, and I'm still very much hurt about it but I will not let this happen. Ever again.
Ghosts of my past can very well kiss their asses for searching me. Thank you and goodnight.
theartofmadeline
yousharknotpass
vaporwave
areudirty
annaxmalina
gummygunk
pixelskylines
