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[thenisaidno]

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[shanehollandered]

marleau, the not-so-secret enjoyer of celebrity gossip, unwittingly giving ilya damage by keeping him up to date on all things shane and rose.

“their ship name is hollandry”

“they went to this children's hospital charity thing together, apparently they broke all records for the amount of money raised”

“haha look this tame ass fuck kiss got named nr. 1 swoon worthy kiss of the week”

“apparently he was on set this week. she posted a photo of hollander with some blue colour on his nose. hey roz, is there any way to get more information on the film out of him? roz?”

ilya has never been this close to commiting a murder-suicide

[shanehollandered]

i know there's this consensus that ilya becomes the cute clingy one when shane doesn't pay enough attention to him and i have read a lot of iterations of it that i loved and found hilarious but can i also say.

shane loves his kisses, okay, whenever someone (for some dumb reason) asks shane for hobbies (hockey doesn't count because, no, shane, that's your job), shane almost always blurts, kissing ilya. because he could do that for hours. hell, he probably has done it for hours. when he kisses ilya, the world just melts away, his anxieties quiet, his stress lessens, the pressure dissolves, his tension loosens, until there's nothing nothing nothing else except ilya and him, ilya’s mouth on his, and shane sometimes feels like a puppet whose strings have been cut.

and it's not even only the big kisses, the deep and filthy ones, it's the sweet ones, too, the quick ones, the soft and chaste ones.

he just loves kissing ilya.

so, whenever one of them leaves to do whatever, shane is sure to go collect his kiss. and sometimes that will just be a quick peck on the lips, sometimes it will be a super wet smack when ilya is feeling particularly playful and teasing, sometimes it will be an impromptu make out session that leaves both of them panting and hard and inevitably late to whatever thing either of them has to get to, and sometimes it will be a sweet, tender, a little lingering kiss, followed by another and another and they're smiling like lovesick teenagers at each other.

one time, shane is about grocery shopping or run some errand, and he gets into the car and realizes he forgot—he forgot—to get his kiss. and he's sitting there with his fingers on the keys in the ignition, debating whether or not he should admit defeat (to whom is unclear) and just get out and go kiss his husband before he leaves. he startles when he hears a knock on the window because he was so lost in his own despair mind that he didn't even notice ilya come out. ilya opens the door, one hand on the handle, the other on the roof of the car, and leans in, giving shane a kiss that very skillfully toes the line between chaste and filthy. “forgot your kiss,” he says when he leans back and shane blinks at him. ilya shuts the door and slaps his hand against the roof. “bring back some ice cream. the chunky one.”

and shane stares after him as he walks back into the house. he smiles on his whole drive to wherever he has to go, and makes sure to bring back the chunky ice cream ilya loves.

[shanehollandered]

my no stakes hollanov headcanon of the day is that hollanov accidentally acquire a cat. it's a black boy cat with white whiskers and yellow eyes and he's one long noodle and he loves shane. and when faced with naming him, shane panicks and calls him puck. which leads to people being like, haha of course you'd name your pet after a hockey thing. and shane’s like, no actually, it's for shakespeare, and everyone will be like, oh. OH. meanwhile ilya is standing in the corner shaking his head completely baffled that people actually believe this outrageous and so very obvious lie because shane got so flustered and embarrassed about naming his cat puck (for hockey) that he relentlessly googled puck (characters in media).

[shanehollandered]

listen in my head, shane has a sensitive gag reflex the first time he hooks up with ilya. it's his first ever blowjob, he's never done it before, and he can't actually take ilya deep. he's heard about deepthroating from teammates when they talk about their sexual experiences around him and thinks they're exaggerating. none of the girls that have sucked him off have deepthroated him. but then ilya does it to him and shane’s toes are curling when he feels ilya’s throat flex around the head of his cock, and yeah, not an exaggeration.

and shane doesn't really think that there will be a follow up to this, right, so he doesn't dwell on it. but then ilya gives him his room number at the asg, and THEN they swap phone numbers and plan their first hookup and shane—shane now has a goal. because he needs to be good at everything, including sucking dick.

so he starts training himself out of his gag reflex, at first with his fingers, then (and he will take this to his grave) with phallic shaped fruits and vegetables, and eventually he gets a dildo that he thinks is about ilya’s size.

and by the time he gives ilya his next blowjob, he's defeated his gag reflex and lets his cock slip into his throat, and oh, THAT is a heady sensation that he'll have to do again and again and again.

and ilya is on the other side, howling, crying, clawing at the door wondering who the fuck taught shane how to deepthroat and how many dicks shane has sucked since, how many people have seen him like this, on his knees, between their legs, eyes fluttering, and he's having an internal crisis that would put any pubescent teenager to shame.

[shanehollandered]

everyone saying they wanted ilya to sniff shane’s boxers after shane threw them at him but i am a it's perfect that he didn't truther. because ilya was fighting for his fuckin life clinging to the threadbare control he had in that moment. he told shane to get on the bed (shane did), he told shane to touch himself and show off because ilya wanted to watch (shane did!!!!!) and shane continued even after ilya continued to rile him up one way or another: no, you're not getting vodka; no, you give me a show, hollander; hey let me remind you i won the cup and you didn't. he was in control! shane was following orders so beautifully. but then—but then, shane snaps, its, all things considered, light-hearted and teasing, he takes off his underwear grinning and just full on yeets them at ilya. he even hits his glass and almost spills the vodka. he challenged the control, even shane himself didn't know or realize. and if ilya had sniffed them. well. that would've destroyed the whole picture he was trying so hard to paint. him just dropping the boxers (t'was sexy as hell y'all) was a show, look at me, i don't care, i have the upper hand. do you think you have anything on me? while inside he was gnawing through steel bars because shane had taken him by surprise again with that little move. and ilya, my baby boy, he knew he had no control, not really. but he fought tooth and nail to make it look like he had. because he could not allow himself to admit that he hadn't, because that would mean admitting to something else that he wasn't ready for.

[shanehollandered]

the other side of this brand is ilya slipping into shane and telling him “gonna fuck you so good you’ll still feel it tomorrow for our game” punctuating each word with a thrust hard enough to send shane sliding up the bed a little, and because there's one thing ilya will never be able to do is fuck the competitiveness out of shane, shane looks up at him, fuck drunk and still smirking lightly, saying “fuck me so good you’ll still feel it tomorrow too, it will be your consolation price when you lose”

and that is the kind of dirty talk that threatens to absolutely destroy ilya’s stamina

[shanehollandered]

dedicated team effort

[shanehollandered]

ilya learns the phrase “calm your tits” and he uses it constantly, endlessly, nobody is safe. shane starts preemptively saying it at some point when he knows ilya is about to crow it at him, that leading them saying it unisono, he’s so annoyed, he snaps at ilya give it a rest finally.

cue ilya learning the phrase “dont have a rack attack” as an alternative, and the first time he uses it on shane, shane goes very still and then beats him with a pillow until ilya is crying tears of laughter

[shanehollandered]

shane, face down ass up panting and moaning, telling ilya to fuck him harder because “wanna still feel you inside me tomorrow when i beat your ass”, and that proves to be a challenge for ilya because that turns him on so much he almost blacks out and blows his load on the spot

[matumnaples]

Before June I have to share one of my favorite tiktoks

[dailycatsblog]

[foxes-in-love]

[sapphireh3arts]

i know folks are gonna call me a pedo for this one, but i grew up seeing my mom and grandma naked. they had health issues and at times needed care and help showering. and i truly think more kids need to be shown the nonsexual reality of naked women at a young age. there is nothing sexual about my grandmothers breasts, they were simply body parts. more women die of heart attacks because people are too afraid of breasts to do real chest compressions, because they are scared to touch their breasts. the sexualization of our bodies literally kills us. i need people to be more normal about naked bodies and i'm 100% serious.

[sirnoblesquid]

got a little bit bored and did this

[witchesversuspatriarchy]

Same

[allthefoolmine]

Reblog if you too do not want to share outside with them.

[sunderwight]

Isekai where the main character is just, incredibly stoked to be there.

It's not even that the setting or scenario is especially appealing, not like, incel transmigrates into man who has harem pheromones or lifelong weakling becomes the demon queen or etc, MC is thrilled because five minutes ago they were dead and for several years before that they were terminally ill and now they're not either of those things.

Local villagers are like, please help us the dark magic blight is killing our crops and poisoning our wells, and MC is just like, yeah sure I'll help! I love wells! The sky is beautiful and doing stuff is amazing! Come, take my hand and look at this rainbow, and also this spider web, and also these really neat shadows, oh wait that's the ever-encroaching evil lol nvm although it is pretty cool looking. Yeah okay I'll carry your sacred light talisman into the catacombs to help stave off the Dark One's awakening. My calendar's clear so why not? Let's bring along a packed lunch and make it a picnic! If the Dark One does awaken anyway maybe he likes little finger sandwiches. Who doesn't, right?