AMAVI.

theodore suarez-hollis. twenty two. writer. lake wisteria. penned by ash for thelakeshq!

[theohollis]

AUGUST:

the silence seemed to stretch forever, leaving august no option but to wonder if this was it. if the realization would hit theo and she would leave the roof alone to never come back. but as he let out a shaky breath, august shook her head, flooded with pain and relief. “no, no… theo, you don’t need to feel guilty for not telling me things before you were ready. that’s not fair, i’m not trying to put any of this on you.” she searched his eyes for the strength to believe in his words. but if it was there, august could not reach it. theo had always had a gift with words, his poetry could spin any combination of words into truth and feeling. but today there was absolutely nothing he could say to make her believe she was the person he thought she was. “theo i haven’t been happy since i was seventeen,” august confessed, the words tumbling out of her mouth before she could think better of it. “i keep disappointing everyone, and for what? like what am i actually doing? i didn’t go to law school, but i’m moving across the country to get a paralegal job, but i can’t even think about getting a similar job where i can be near my friends and… i have no idea of who i am supposed to be. i just know whatever i do it’s never going to be enough.” august was not crying anymore, she was drained. the only energy she had left she used to move back closer to theo so she could bury her face in his chest to take in the comfort she didn’t not deserve. why, why didn’t i just fall in love with you? the question hammered in her chest as she revisited for the millionth time the wonderful life the two could have built together. but instead of asking that question, she reached for his phone. “let’s just… watch the fireworks, please?”

there was a lot that theo could and wanted to say to august. how much he loved her, how grateful he was to have her in his life -- but it all seemed to freeze on his tongue. the look on august’s face told him that any of his efforts would most likely be futile to try to make her feel better. the longer she talked, the more theo felt his heart breaking in his chest and he had to fight every urge to cry for one of his closest friends. he moved his arm tightly around august’s shoulder as she moved back into him and nodded his head. “ yeah, “ he mumbled, letting august take the phone so she could turn on the video. but he couldn’t let it go just yet, he needed to say something, anything, to prove that he cared and wasn’t going anywhere. “ hey, aug? -- if you ever need to talk about anything, you know you got me, right? you’ll always have me, even if we’re miles apart. “

[theohollis]

MILES:

closed starter for @theohollis​

a difficult week would turn to a difficult month, to a difficult year if miles isn’t careful. there’s a heaviness in his chest that he won’t talk about. if he ignores it, it’s not there. if he pushes it away, it’s not there. that nagging craving can be shoved down beneath other more prevalent emotional baggage. covering it with his other weighty thoughts and feelings would have to work. there’s no time for him to worry about himself, not right now. when he arrives to the grocery store, he steadies his emotions to focus on his mother and theo. that’s much easier. slipping out of his trusted subaru, he waves a hand at theo parked nearby. another deep breath as he approaches, reminding himself that everyone saw what happened at the bonfire. there’s not a lot of ease in hiding from it. “let’s go brother,” he nods toward the grocery’s entrance as theo exits his car. “and i didn’t write mom’s list down, so we’re in for it.”

something about the corner booth at the diner wasn’t the same to theo. in the past, he could sit there all day and have a notebook full of writing to sort through when he went home. but today, he couldn’t even write one word. he couldn’t focus, not when the comings and goings of all the happy diner customers pulled so much of his attention. at some point, he’d started to feel like he was suffocating. like the happy faces were taunting him. so a trip to the grocery store with miles was a happy distraction. he watches his brother pull into the parking lot, returning the wave before he turns off his own car and gets out, plastering on the happiest smile he could muster. after the past week, he felt like him and miles needed more this ignorant bliss that came from doing the tiniest of chores for their mother. maybe she had seen it as a way to distract them herself, to preoccupy them with something mindless so that they didn’t focus on the bad. it wasn’t the first grocery trip she’d sent either of the boys on and it wouldn’t be the last, not as long as there was something they needed distracting from. “ you have got to remember to write this stuff down, dude, “ theo says with a shake of his head as he strides in through the automatic doors of the grocery store. “ she’ll kill us if we bring home the wrong stuff. “

[theohollis]

REBECCA:

@theohollis​

there was no part of rebe that wanted to climb out of ezra’s bed, drag her ass down to the park and have this conversation with theo. but she knew that she had to, if there was any hope at all of getting back to the friendship they had before everything seemed to blow up. she was glad she had enough common sense to dig through the clean laundry, and make sure everything she was wearing was actually hers. despite the hundreds of thoughts that were racing through her head, she found the long walk to be therapeutic. when she finally arrived at the park, she spotted theo right away. “hey,” she mumbled softly, testing the waters.

the last thing theo wanted to do was fight with rebe. especially when he knew that she was right about a lot of things. he hadn’t been entirely a good friend, he hadn’t been someone she could lean on, he wasn’t being considerate of her feelings. and most of all, he let his own emotions spill into their friendship. maybe it was only a matter of time before the timer went off and everything exploded around them. the walk to the park was short, the steps all too familiar to theo from years of walking to the location with his mom and then delilah as a kid. he got there first, opting to sit and wait on one of the swings for rebe, busying himself on his phone as he did so. at the sound of her voice, theo looked up and immediately had to resist the urge to hug her -- the way he would usually greet his friend, the way he’s always greeted her -- in fear that she might not accept the embrace. “ hi, “ he mumbled back. he motioned to the swing beside him for rebe to sit down. “ thanks for meeting me. i, uh -- it just felt like we needed to talk about everything face to face. “

[theohollis]

MERRITT:

if it were up to merritt, not a single person in his life would see him in his current state. disheveled, visage unable to remain stoic in his mind’s current state. as he sits gently on the ground, back pressed to wooden seat, his eyes flutter shut and he realizes that deep parts of him miss dante in ways he’ll never get him back. emotions well in his chest, rising a bit and threatening to spill over – until he hears those footsteps, then the voice. “ah, lake wisteria’s most prestigious poet couldn’t come up with something better than that?” words are strained, weaker than his usual jabs and he internally curses himself. there’s not many people in this town that he wants to break in front of and theo? is nowhere near the list. eyes dive into his coffee, blinking away ( he hopes ) any semblance of tears that remain before he gazes back to theo. “you look like you’re headed out, but if you… want a cup… pour over is the best way to enjoy good coffee,” his laugh is soft, trying to mask the deep pain he’s currently sorting through. brotherly pain that theo, of all people, must know more than anyone else.

a part of theo feels awkward in merritt’s presence, especially right now. as his eyes scan the blonde, he can read more into the other’s emotions, more so than he probably would have at any other moment. he can’t help but wonder if the events of the bonfire were weighing on merritt too -- and his voice all but confirms any suspicions. “ too early, “ theo replies with a dry laugh, his attempts to keep things light diminishing the long he stands there fiddling with the strap on his bookbag. “ my artistic flow doesn’t work until well after noon. “ he takes a few tentative steps closer to merritt, unsure if he was really welcome or if the other man wanted to be alone. a part of theo feels like he shouldn’t leave merritt alone. something about the strain in his voice and the way he seems to play it off generates a sense of familiarity in theo. so he steps forward more, kneeling down to make his own cup of coffee. “ thanks, “ he mumbles as he gets to work on his drink. when he’s finished, he takes a seat a few paces away from merritt, eyeing him over the rim of his cup. “ are you okay? “

[theohollis]

AUGUST:

the tighter theo held her, the harder she sobbed. even if theo meant the words that were coming out of his mouth, august knew they were not true. eventually, he pulled back to look at her and she could see the pain she was causing him. theo was the person in her life she owed the most to and how did she repay him? she shook her head. “i mean just look at us! you were lying to me about being fine and i didn’t notice. and if i can’t be there for you after everything you’ve done for me i…” august started, feeling a rant coming and having absolutely no strength to stop it. “and now i’m just piling on you after everything you have going on. and i’m sorry, but… i just––ever since i came back i’ve done nothing but fuck up.” august buried her face in her hands, not bearing the weight of his gaze as she listed her flaws. “my parents are so unhappy with me, and my brothers… it’s like we have nothing in common anymore. and then there’s dante, who is my fucking best friend and i still left him out to dry. and he just… he is so good. i don’t deserve him, i don’t deserve any of you really. because despite it all he still supports me. even if all i want is get out of this stupid town and never come back.” august held back a sob, knowing she needed to let all the words out before she changed her mind. “and merritt… i’m five years too late with the apologies and now it seems like we get into a different fight every other day and i hate it. i hate that he can see how bad of a friend i am, and i can’t run away from that.” august let her hands fall to her lap and she sighed, the sobs slowing down but the stream of tears continuing. “and sloane… god i can’t look at her without wanting to puke… i mean, how am i supposed to fix all of that? i can’t––i can’t be what anyone wants me to be. but i keep trying and failing and i’m just so tired.” 

at this point, theo was biting down hard on the inside of his lip to avoid letting his own emotions spill over. he knew that him crying wouldn’t make things any better right now. no, he needed to hold himself together. for august. to make up for all the times she probably had to hold herself together when he had his own breakdowns throughout the years of their friendship. he felt his heart breaking, for all of the pain august was feeling, for not letting her in sooner to his own pain, for acting like things were okay when they weren’t. he keeps quiet, letting her get out everything she needs to without interruption. he’s learned that it’s better to let people talk things out before inserting his own opinion and he doesn’t want to make things worse by cutting her off or saying the wrong thing. so he sits there, hand rubbing august’s forearm as she talks, eyes stuck on her as her head drops into her hands and as the sobs appear to ebb away. once she’s finished, he takes a deep, shaky breath. it was a lot to take in, all at once, and it was a few moments before he finally spoke. “ you are a good friend, august. everything with us ... that’s on me. i should’ve been honest with you. i shouldn’t have pushed you away. and with dante and merritt -- they love you, okay? i know things are rough at times, but no relationship is perfect, not even with friends. but i know for a fact those guys will always have your back, just like you’ll always have theirs. “ he paused, moving a hand down to take august’s hand in his. “ it doesn’t matter what everyone else wants you to be. your happiness is the most important thing. “

[theohollis]

sms ✉ rebe

rebe: yeah, the park is good

rebe: be there in 10?

theo: yeah. see you there.

[theohollis]

DIANNA:

closed starter for @theohollis​

dianna checked on the potato skins nervously. this was not the plan. the plan had always been for her to make things right with theo and move on, rekindle their friendship, stay out of trouble. and now, she had invited him over to her house (the first time since their childhood he would be stepping into this home) to break the news that she had maybe, somehow, hopefully, been involved with ezra. her own text weighted on her chest, making it heart to breathe. i’d argue that if people care about you they’ll let you know when they are involved with someone you care about. she knew that what she had done was in no way comparable, in reality, she had barely even done anything. but she still felt like she had to tell theo the truth. she just hoped this would not mean two more years without him. the doorbell rang and dianna sprang to action. she took out the potato skins, turned off the oven, took off her apron and walked to the door so she could welcome theo with a smile, desperately wishing this wouldn’t be the last time. “hey you,” dianna said warmly as she let him in. “just in time, potato skins are ready.”

theo couldn’t remember the last time he had set foot in dianna’s house. it had to be when they were still kids, back when dianna still spent her summers in lake wisteria. memories come at him in bursts as he approaches the front door. there’s the image of the two of them running through the backyard, playing tag. and that’s quickly followed by another one of them perched at the kitchen counter, watching dianna’s grandmother bake them cookies. each memory is more warm and fuzzy than the last one, but one sticks out more than any other. the first summer dianna had come to visit after his mother died was one he would never forget. he has a vivid memory of begging delilah to let dianna come with them to the cemetery for his mom’s birthday and he threw a fit until the blonde was able to come. he didn’t want to face that sad and scary place without his best friend. the closer he got to the door, the more he started to think. at some point, he’d stepped foot in the house, not knowing it would be the last time -- and he missed that ignorant bliss more than anything. he rings the doorbell, smile spreading across his lips as dianna opens the door. “ hey, “ he says as he quickly pulls her into a hug, kissing her cheek before pulling away and stepping inside the house. “ my timing is impeccable, isn’t it? “

[theohollis]

AUGUST:

maybe it was the way he pulled her close, maybe it was the obvious concern in his voice, or how his finger froze before they could hit play on their tradition. most likely it was his earlier musing––you are the best. the words unraveled in her mind along with her resolve to move on and be okay. for the second time in their history, august broke down in tears as he held her on the roof. “i’m sorry… i’m so sorry, now i ruined tonight too,” she sobbed after a moment, but made no attempt to push away from him. she simply did not have the energy to pretend to be okay anymore, to pretend she didn’t need comforting (even if she didn’t deserve it). you are wrong, you are wrong. when will you realize i’m not the best? the question hammered in her chest but she couldn’t bring herself to say it, she couldn’t risk theo walking out on her. “i keep fucking everything up. i’m so fucking tired of being a bad friend, a bad daughter, a bad sister…” a bad person. “i’m so tired. i just want to give up.”

without hesitation, theo was wrapping both of his arms around august, holding her tight as she cried. he knew that for her to break down like this, something had to be seriously wrong -- she never cried in front of him. it was one of the things he loved most about her. she was his rock. but now he needed to be hers. “ you didn’t ruin anything, “ he mumbled into her hair, his hand tracing circles on her back as he held her. he stayed quiet, looking up at the sky as august spoke, trying to fight back tears of his own. he hated seeing her like this, hearing her talk like this. when she finished, he pulled back slightly to look down at her, but his grip around her shoulders didn’t lessen. “ you aren’t any of those things, august. you’re an amazing person. don’t give up. please. i love you, okay? i got you. “

[theohollis]

sms ✉ rebe

rebe: what are you gonna do to help, theo? are you gonna magically convince miles to forgive me ??

rebe: [typing]

rebe: i’m not home rn where do u wanna meet

theo: i could at least be there for you.

theo: the park by the rec center?

[theohollis]

IMSG 📱 TEDDY

MILES: nah, we can do that! just been awhile, you know?

MILES: yeah, maybe the beach. that's not too far, less like running, eh?

THEO: yeah, i guess it has. mom hasn't really trusted us to go grocery shopping together, for obvious reasons.

THEO: we could drive over to newport? it's only like an hour or so away. and please god, no running. you can run, i'll swim.

[theohollis]

sms ✉ rebe

rebe: i give you vague answers because we both know that you don’t actually give a fuck or wanna hear details about my relationship with your brother

rebe: oh so all of our conversations revolve around what you want and when you decide you want to talk, understood.

rebe: i can go back and fucking screenshot it since you don’t fucking believe me

rebe: yep this is all my fault got it.

theo: that's where you're wrong. i do give a fuck. and while yes hearing about you and miles is a little weird, i'm still your friend and i want to help however i can but you won't let me.

theo: [ typing ]

theo: [ typing ]

theo: can we talk about this in person? we're not getting anywhere like this

[theohollis]

AUGUST:

august swallowed as he squeezed her hand, only then realizing how starved for comfort she had been on the past couple of days. “and i brought snacks, some peach pie for you, of course,” she said quietly as he pulled out his phone. a part of her wished they hadn’t gone to the camping trip but instead sat down to watch the fireworks like they did every year. theo had been the only constant in her life for the past five years, and so she couldn’t help but think maybe bailing on their annual ritual had made things spiral out of her control. “ready when you are,” she said simply, leaning into his touch. although it was true that theo was one of the few people august trusted enough to display affection, it was still out of character for her to rest her head on his shoulder and nuzzle into his side. but then again, the week was taking a toll on her. 

“ you’re the best, “ theo mused softly with a smile. he hadn’t been too worried when august asked to reschedule their fourth of july tradition. based on the night that everyone had at the bonfire, he needed a breather too. he opened up his phone, pulling up the video of the fireworks right away, but something about the way august leaned into him made him freeze with his thumb over the play button. he set the phone down in his lap and glanced down at august with furrowed brows. he gently put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her a bit closer before he spoke. “ hey, are you okay? “ the concern was evident in his voice, and he didn’t try to hide it. he knew august well enough to know when something was up.

[theohollis]

sms ✉ rebe

rebe: i do talk to you, you just don’t fucking pay attention

rebe: either you want to talk or you don’t theo but make up your fucking mind

rebe: clearly you weren’t reading that shit because people were definitely saying that. i’m not allowed to be annoyed but you’re allowed to be petty and passive aggressive?? got it.

rebe: this is exactly what i fucking mean. you want me to “talk to you” but you don’t want to hear anything i have to say

theo: how tf am i supposed to when all you give are vague answers when i ask how you're doing? half the time, you just brush the question off completely.

theo: i do want to talk about it, but not when we're like this.

theo: i just read through the chat again. no one said anything remotely like that. and they were calling us both out for that shit. idk why you think everyone's out to get you when we all care about you.

theo: maybe if you actually gave me straight answers, it'd be easier to listen.

[theohollis]

sms ✉ rebe

rebe: no. of course not. when am i ever fucking happy?

rebe: oh sorry i forgot you only want to talk to ezra about this 🙄

rebe: you didn’t ask them, but they still do it every fucking time. do you even know how many of your friends told me that i don’t matter tonight??

rebe: giving up? my favorite hollis party trick

theo: i wouldn't know because you never fucking talk to me.

theo: do you really /now/ is the right time for me to talk about this? we literally just spent the last hour fighting.

theo: i can't speak for them, you know that. and no one said you didn't matter. you do matter. but we can't just start fighting in the group chat just because.

theo: don't do that. i don't care what you say about me, but don't bring miles into this.

[theohollis]

sms ✉ rebe

rebe: if you cared about me you would realize how fucked up it is for you to be getting involved in someone else relationship

rebe: how is she?

rebe: ahh so you’re allowed to do fucked up shit and it’s perfectly understandable because you’re ~upset~ but when i do it i’m public enemy #1. got it.

theo: fine, it’s fucked up. happy?

theo: she’s doing better than the rest of us. i don’t want to talk about it.

theo: fuck rebe it’s not my fault everyone jumped down your throat and not mine in the group chat, i didn’t ask them to do that.

theo: i just ... don’t have the energy to fight with you any more so if that’s all we’re gonna do, i’m done here

[theohollis]

sms ✉ rebe

rebe: if you actually cared about me you wouldn’t be up my ass worrying about who’s fucking life you clearly think i’m gonna ruin next.

rebe: i’m sorry about your mom

rebe: but why the fuck would you ask me if i knew and make it out to be some big secret if it was totally harmless ??

theo: if i didn’t care about you we wouldn’t even be having this fucking conversation right now because it wouldn’t be important to me.

theo: thanks.

theo: because i’m fucking pissed right now?? to restore some of my faith in ezra that he can actually keep a promise?? idfk

[theohollis]

sms ✉ rebe

rebe: feel however the fuck you want but how are you gonna be my friend and pretend to care about me while also thinking i’m too shitty of a person to be with ezra?

rebe: i’m sorry didn’t miles know too??

rebe: no, but since you’re trying to make me jealous by telling me that, i’m sure cj will find this interesting

theo: jfc i /do/ care about you and i don’t think you’re a shitty person. i want you to be happy. i just want to make sure it’s not a temporary happiness that’ll end up fucking you both over

theo: he found out on his own, i didn’t even know that he knew until he outed us in the group chat

theo: wow. just wow.

theo: cj already knows. that he was there to check on me because i just found out my mom has cancer. and he’s the only one who really understands what that’s like. but sure, blow it out of proportion.