Why Does Everyone Think I'm Dead?

British Asparagus with a taste for the finer things in life. You may know me from TV. Has anyone seen my wife? Why does everyone keep saying I'm divorced? Who is this 'vegetable daddy' you keep referring to??? || RP/Ask blog. Semi crack. Follows from sweet-sweet-petunia

[thearchibaldasparagus]

What is your fondest memory

"Perhaps a more recent one, but starting the podcast with Lovey. Oh, how the cogs turned! The most excitement I've felt in a long while. Mostly due to....you know...respecting my wife's trauma."

[andimlarrythecucumber]

❛ well, getting there is one thing. getting back’s the problem. ❜ (from Archie)

"I sure hope you're better at directions than I am."

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"Of course I am!" Archibald cried, offended. "Look at me! I'm British! Of course I know directions, wayfinding, reading a compass...."

[andimlarrythecucumber]

"Well, go on then! Lead the way! After you!" Larry grinned at who he considered to be one of his best friends.

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"Right then!" Archie stuck his little asparagus nose up. "...where were we going?"

[andimlarrythecucumber]

❛ well, getting there is one thing. getting back’s the problem. ❜ (from Archie)

"I sure hope you're better at directions than I am."

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"Of course I am!" Archibald cried, offended. "Look at me! I'm British! Of course I know directions, wayfinding, reading a compass...."

[thecharliepincher]

❛ you've got this. i believe in you! ❜ from Archie

"If you weren't another Brit, I doubt I'd believe ya."

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"Of course!" Archie beams "There are so many...french...moving in. Have you noticed?"

[thearchibaldasparagus]

'you're the weird guy!' from whichever vicky/i is chewie

Archibald looks around the large cast of characters, and returns his view to the blonde cucumber. "Me? Of all of them? That's where you land?"

[vicki-cucumber]

"Yeah, it's like, that weird voice or whatever."

[thearchibaldasparagus]

To the tune of a very familiar Archibald line, he countered "It's not a weird voice, I'm British!"

[vicki-cucumber]

"Call it what you want. It's weird."

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"Don't tell me you're a Taylor Grape girlie."

[vicki-cucumber]

"I literally don't know who that is."

[thearchibaldasparagus]

Archibald gasped, pulling up a Spotify This Is Taylor Grape playlist "I'm about to change your life."

[thecharliepincher]

'did you see my fancy shoes?' from archie

"Aye, I fear they're hard to miss!" Charlie guffawed.

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"Yay Yippee!" Archie cheered and not at all because that's what Mariah says "I do find them quite fetching."

[thecharliepincher]

"Whatcha get 'em for anyways, huh? What's the big occasion?"

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"Disco night at the bowling alley. I know I don't frequent as often as other Asparagus, but I do enjoy grooving to some ABBA!"

[thecharliepincher]

Charlie's face immediately fell. "Oh. I didn't realise ya's all went to disco night."

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"I like to groove and boogie, mmmyeah, show you some dances moves, ooohhh..." Archibald half sung, before asking "Do you not enjoy the disco, Charles?"

[thearchibaldasparagus]

'you're the weird guy!' from whichever vicky/i is chewie

Archibald looks around the large cast of characters, and returns his view to the blonde cucumber. "Me? Of all of them? That's where you land?"

[vicki-cucumber]

"Yeah, it's like, that weird voice or whatever."

[thearchibaldasparagus]

To the tune of a very familiar Archibald line, he countered "It's not a weird voice, I'm British!"

[vicki-cucumber]

"Call it what you want. It's weird."

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"Don't tell me you're a Taylor Grape girlie."

[thecharliepincher]

'did you see my fancy shoes?' from archie

"Aye, I fear they're hard to miss!" Charlie guffawed.

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"Yay Yippee!" Archie cheered and not at all because that's what Mariah says "I do find them quite fetching."

[thecharliepincher]

"Whatcha get 'em for anyways, huh? What's the big occasion?"

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"Disco night at the bowling alley. I know I don't frequent as often as other Asparagus, but I do enjoy grooving to some ABBA!"

[thearchibaldasparagus]

'you're the weird guy!' from whichever vicky/i is chewie

Archibald looks around the large cast of characters, and returns his view to the blonde cucumber. "Me? Of all of them? That's where you land?"

[vicki-cucumber]

"Yeah, it's like, that weird voice or whatever."

[thearchibaldasparagus]

To the tune of a very familiar Archibald line, he countered "It's not a weird voice, I'm British!"

[thecharliepincher]

'did you see my fancy shoes?' from archie

"Aye, I fear they're hard to miss!" Charlie guffawed.

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"Yay Yippee!" Archie cheered and not at all because that's what Mariah says "I do find them quite fetching."

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"A Message From Archibald Asparagus, a Known Square" (from Kilt Bagpipe)

His little Asparagus lip scrunched up, much like that one face Kermit the Frog makes sometimes. "At least I'm not a hippie degenerate."

[kilt-bagpipe-rhubarb]

"I heard ye were a furry. Degenerate hippy seems like exactly ye are. Can ye be a square and a degenerate? Ye sure make it work, ye bonny numpty."

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"Oh, don't speak to me in that way!" Archibald recoiled, disgusted. "Only my wife can say such things!"

[junior-asparagus]

"Dad Asparagus looks like an orphan in a production of Oliver! but damn it he looks good in that hat." from your Dad

"Yeah! Ya look sharp, dad!"

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"Why thanks son!" He beams with pride. "You're my go-to when it comes to hats."

[thearchibaldasparagus]

'you're the weird guy!' from whichever vicky/i is chewie

Archibald looks around the large cast of characters, and returns his view to the blonde cucumber. "Me? Of all of them? That's where you land?"

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"A Message From Archibald Asparagus, a Known Square" (from Kilt Bagpipe)

His little Asparagus lip scrunched up, much like that one face Kermit the Frog makes sometimes. "At least I'm not a hippie degenerate."

[divorced-loveyasparagus]

"say it again. louder this time." from your husband xoxo

"You heard me just fine," Lizzie said in an almost purring voice. "We need a good story for the paper, Darling, and we haven't had a new body in so long."

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"Oh, Lizzie, I do love when you talk murder to me." Arthur swoons. "Now, where might we...find...this body?"

[bartlebey]

"Oh, just any dark alley. I don't care who it is. You know I just like it messy." She bit on her lower lip. "You do the planning."

[thearchibaldasparagus]

With a slight purr, Arthur admits "My head's already spinning with ideas."

[jimmyandjerry]

"what don't i know about you?" to jimmy from archibald soc verse

“Uhh, well, I’ve never actually plumbed before. Does that make me a fraud?”

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"Well, not exactly. You are an actor? Professionally trained?"

[jimmyandjerry]

“Uhhh.” He paused. “Was I supposed to be professionally trained?”

[thearchibaldasparagus]

Arthur Hollingshead - which was Archibald's name in this universe apparently - gasped. "An untrained actor! On the London stage! Oh, how juicy the details run!"

[divorced-loveyasparagus]

"say it again. louder this time." from your husband xoxo

"You heard me just fine," Lizzie said in an almost purring voice. "We need a good story for the paper, Darling, and we haven't had a new body in so long."

[thearchibaldasparagus]

"Oh, Lizzie, I do love when you talk murder to me." Arthur swoons. "Now, where might we...find...this body?"