Shattered mind

The secrets behind a broken mind and decaying sanity

[theraven1648]

I want to tell someone what's wrong with me, I want to talk to someone, tell them that I want to die, tell them I hate myself, tell them I don't know what the fuck is happening to me anymore. Tell them that I don't feel real, my memories don't feel real, things that are actively happening don't feel real. It's like when you're reading a book and like it's happening in the book but you know it's not real, the characters don't exist, the events aren't happening, but like the book feels more real than my life to me than reality. It's like I can't process reality properly. I want to tell someone everything and I can't, I can't put that on someone else, everyone is dealing with their own things, real things, I'm falling apart from nothing. But sometimes I just want to scream at someone that I want to die

[feeling-likeastranger]

Sometimes I wonder if I even exist when no one is looking. I shift so easily into whatever someone needs me to be, and then I’m alone again, and I don’t recognize what’s left.

[theraven1648]

Sometimes I just wanna disappear, is that the same as wanting to die, wanting to just be gone. Everything would stop then, no school, no work, no people, no stress, no mistakes, just nothing, it'd all be gone because I would be gone. I want nothing, I want to be gone

[theraven1648]

I wish I never existed. It'd be so much easier, so much better if I didn't ever exist. Nobody would have ever had to know me, be hurt by me, annoyed by me, bothered by me, burdened by me. I wouldn't want to die anymore because I would have never lived. It could be over. If my parents had just not had me as their daughter, if they had another daughter, a real daughter, a better daughter. I wouldn't feel the pain anymore, I would feel anything. That's what I want, I don't want to be aware or feeling. I want to be genuinely and literally nothing.

[theraven1648]

Can I die yet?

[i-will-recover-tomorrow]

[theraven1648]

I wish I hadn't

[theraven1648]

I can't forget that look

You make jokes, everyone does, it's how our generation is. School sucks, I wanna die. You have to go to work, I'm gonna kill myself. You have to wake up early, just kill me. People say it all the time, you're used to hearing it, almost never take it seriously. But the look on someone's face, the look in their eyes when they realize you're not joking anymore. You never forget that look. The look when you speak the words I want to die and they see something in you or hear it in your voice. When suddenly they know just as well as you that you mean it.

[theraven1648]

The things we say to ourselves in the dead of night

No one could ever love you, your existence is an error. That pain you feel is a result of that error, you will suffer in pain as long as you remain here as the mistake you are. The pain will only end when you're dead and gone, when you've made things right, fixed the error that is yourself. What are you waiting for? Do it, end the pain, fix the mistake. Everything and everyone will be better once you do. You're blip in the system that needs to be programmed out, all it takes is one action to correct it. You know what to do so just fucking do it already. Die.

[theraven1648]

My first thought after reading this:

If I am what I love, then I'm not myself

[theraven1648]

I don't know what to call what I'm doing anymore, because it's not living. Everyday I break a little more. Every night I hope I don't have to continue to the next day. Whatever this is, I can't do it anymore.

[theraven1648]

I have never found something that describes how I feel everyday as accurately as this

[theraven1648]

Why do I pretend like I matter, when I know I don't?

[theraven1648]

Just fuck everything, I just wish I could leave and never be found, I just wanna escape

[ctrlmai-deactivated20230413]

One thing about depression is the discomfort you feel all the time. Not sure if its physical, emotional or both. But you just feel like somethings wrong all the damn time and its scary how you end up getting used to it.

[theraven1648]

Sometimes I'll just sitting and I'll realize that not everyone has that feeling, that the discomfort isn't normal, but it is for me and I don't know how else to feel

[rory-has-bpd]

if you have a crippling fear of people getting mad at you and you know it clap your hands

[theraven1648]

*claps hands*

[ojibwa]

[theraven1648]

I can't stop the thought, can't stop the pain. Maybe the only thing can is death

[depresslife22]

I don’t want to feel anything