Welcome To Me

Enjoy existential crisis with my bloggings. I’ll be documenting my random thoughts and other aspects of my life on an irregularly regular basis here.

[therealeststruggles101]

Somehow im still surprised and hurt when things i expect to not go well actually don't. Im so exhausted with disappointment and mourning what could've been if only things were different or better. What's the point of trying when its only ever resulted in ruins? I feel like im losing my mind lately and like I live in the twilight zone or a bad timeline of the multiverse just for trying to make a change. But did I really try that much? Would it have made a difference if I tried harder if it were even possible? Could I have missed out on so much more for quitting while I thought I was ahead? Or have I really been dealt an unplayable hand in life? I always just push through the bullshit im served by others or create on my own through my poor judgements. But it doesn't feel like enough this time and idk what to do most days, just living in a haze of the hectic life I've known. Is it too much to ask to find happiness that will last and have a simple, fulfilling life? Just once, I'd like to be genuinely sought after for who I am and what I bring to the table and not just for what I can for someone else. I hate this hopelessly romantic love sickness I'm doubly cursed with. All I've got are broken dreams and ruined memories to take to bed with me anymore which hasn't bothered me in a while. I should've never tried putting myself back out there, even knowing there was no potential for a future and trying to enjoy the flow of things I'm still the same poor sap thats a sucker for even a hint of affection offered to me. My heart is only breaking cuz despite obvious red flags ive once again painted myself into a corner by chasing butterflies that were never real. I hate that I set myself up like this with the most unavailable candidates when im actually trying to find something with serious long term potential. I really am my own worst enemy and I always lose. If no one can genuinely want me, I might as well not feel bad for using that to my advantage ig as planned after I first realized I was going down a familiar road of lies told to me and to myself. Yet it still hurts to see that no matter how many times or ways I try I still can't do anything write besides make a fool of myself...

[therealeststruggles101]

So I'm back up on my bs, getting back into dating and right away find a decent match who I can chat with easily and otherwise seems like he'd have potential. That is until he took me back to his place and has his kids pictures up, which I have no problem with other than that he didn't have it in his profile and didnt mention having a kid for the 2-3 ish weeks we chatted before meeting, and then I had to actually ask him about it even being in his apartment surrounded by the photos for him say anything. Ok maybe he's guarded thinking it'll kill his chances sure, and he says he coparents and its only a first date so I didn't try to pry too much. 2nd date comes around and I stay the night and we sleep together yeah yeah ik my sister gave me an earful about intentional dating at my age and all that jazz but the next morning before I leave he tells me more about his coparenting and visit schedule when I ask since I do enjoy his company and our chats and would like to see him more and thats when he drops the bomb that he's married and they live separately and thats why his coparenting situation is very complicated at times but they try to be reasonable and flexible about things and live 10 minutes apart and he of course helps take care of bills for them. Idk how to feel about this, im not like emotionally invested in him its only been about a month since we started chatting after meeting on OKCupid but I did delete that dating profile after this confession of his. Maybe its my fault for not asking more sooner, I figured maybe messy ex gf situation or one night stand that ended in a baby or something like that cuz it happens and plenty of people coparent. But im not sure really what to think of the whole debacle or how much to trust what he has told me so far. He said he just prefers to let dates ask him and he has no problem answering, but shouldn't this type of stuff be brought up sooner rather than later? I can imagine it'd be embarrassing and probably prevent alot of interested profiles otherwise but I dont wanna get stuck in the middle of a marriage. Idk if im ready to date intentionally necessarily but I thought there might be potential with this guy for a moment ya know? Now there's certainly no promise of a future and this definitely seems like just a search for easy fun since they dont get along and I really hate being used for my body. Its a big part of why I stopped dating for the last few years entirely since it seems like men only ever view me for their pleasure no matter the environment or context or how adamantly I tell them I'm not looking for just hookups. I feel a bit betrayed since ive been as open and honest about my baggage that would be dealbreakers for plenty of people and I just thought id get the same in return but ig thats what I get for thinking. So ig I'll go back to having guys in rotation for when I want attention that way on and off as my desire for intimacy fluctuates as I'm finding I identify most with being aceflux more than anything else. Such a shame people can be so charming and sweet just to get what they want but I already knew that and its my fault for even bothering to try again that I allowed myself this disappointment once more. Sigh, if you can't beat em, might as well join em right? At least I think that gives me more control of my expectations so I dont have those feeling things become a problem when inevitably men do what they do as usual.

[kaashina]

my favourite part of the apothecary diaries is jinshi freaking out over maomao's impulsive freaky tendencies (but he's lowkey into that)

jinmao in a nutshell:

[therealeststruggles101]

Goals tbh

[kaashina]

maomao when every important figure in the empire keeps asking for her help

[only-cat-memes]

[therealeststruggles101]

It does get better

It seems like alot of people may be feeling trapped in whatever rut they're in. Everyone now a days can get lost trying to exceed at others paces and feel like they're failing themself or falling behind their peers. Sometimes it's easy to forget that good things dont always come to those who try or are good people or who are tired of trying and can't ever seem to catch a break, usually it's the tougher times that seem to go on and on with no end. But it does get better, it just doesn't happen as quickly as we would like. It sucks, not everyone has the patience or dedication to get through things as easily as some others seem to, but as long as you keep focusing on you and the happiness you want you'll get there eventually. Alot of the people feeling like all the trouble isnt worth it or that they've been beaten down by life and society for too long are young, but there's still alot of time ahead of us to settle down and get our lives in order. If you feel like you're at rock bottom the only way is up unless you leave yourself there. Eventually never feels soon enough, but you are enough and some day you'll realize you haven't felt the struggle so much and get to sit back and enjoy where you're at. It comes and goes, for some people a lot more than others unfortunately, but hang in there and it can really be worth it. At our ages it's easy to feel overwhelmed and like we're out of time to get our lives together but it takes time, often alot of time. Sometimes it'll seem like too much time, too much asked of you, just too much at one time- but as long as you got your priorities straight the only thing left to work to on is just getting to a good stable point overall- financially, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Keep your head up, not for anyone else but yourself. Do it out of spite for anyone who's ever said you cant make it even. Just do it and don't give up. That's the most important part, just keep going. It may sound pointless but Rome wasn't built in a day, societies don't change overnight, good things come to those who wait, and it gets better. Everyone may be tired of seeing those oh so common quotable posts, the mass production of them make them seem like empty promises, but they're all too true. Everything in life just takes time- getting back on your feet again, figuring out how to do this adult thing, practicing patience with others and above all else with yourself too. It doesn't seem fair when social media has made it so easy to view other people's lives and how well off some others are. Not everyone gets the same hand dealt in life, it's what you do with yours that counts though. Put the blinders on, grind hard every day, focus on yourself and you'll see a difference. It's never easy, quick, or fair- but it is always, always worth it in the end.

[wordsnquotes]

“If a poem hasn’t ripped apart your soul; you haven’t experienced poetry.”

— Edgar Allan Poe (via wordsnquotes)

[therealeststruggles101]

The Devastation of Public Education in my Generation.

Where to begin, this is quite the heated topic for myself. This week,the main course that has failed thise closest to me in a painfully eye opening way, is sex ed. Living with my fiancé is a huge accomplishment for me so far but of course that brings up the problem of contraception which i have come to find my beloved doesn’t have much of an input on to help me when I’m deciding on what would work best for my circumstances. Very staunchly he immediately tells me to just go on the pill, why not right? So many women do and that works just fine. But in our current situation and my forgetful nature and lack of discipline when it comes to taking anything on a strict schedule doesn’t mix well with that. I can’t even remember to take vitamins i need to be taking regularly, I definitely can’t risk forgetting birth control pills for a few days in a row as i am in the habit of doing. He at least can hear this and so since I’m just coming off one implant he thinks i should just get another. Wow, how innovative and original. At least it was an idea from him, but it certainly was not a new one to me. I mention IUDs that are longer lasting and reversible and so far he’s on board, since there’s nothing he has to be involved in with birth control anyways. Once i tell him where they go though he instantly reverts back to the pill theory in disgust at the idea of a string being somewhat out of my cervix. What does he really know about female anatomy? Come to find out, after i go to planned parenthood alone, not much as I suspected. He cant even listen when i tell him all i had done was the removal of my old implant. In what he probably thought was a playful tone but came off as degrading and disrespectful several hours later he asks me if i got my new birth control thing that I’d have to stick inside myself everytime before i have sex -and literally i was just so dumb founded for a second and i could only just stare at him before i was like what the fuck are you even talking about? It’s already hard enough not being able to have his support in this decision that effects us both a great deal, but just his attitude towards what he doesn’t even understand was hurtful and still hurts. We went to the same schools and had health classes and sex ed classes but both failed to teach young men abot contraception besides condoms- because that’s literally what he waa describing whether he realized it or not since that’s really the only contraception that works that way. I shouldn’t leave a conversation about birth control feeling ashamed or dirty because I know that i need a get it and forget it implant or iud just because my fiancé is ignorant to what either really entail. I shouldn’t have to explain to a grown man the anatomy of female sex organs or different contraceptions to be able to get his support and valued opinion when he could be actively researching this stuff to do so himself. But maybe that’s just me expecting too much of a man still raised in a masculine and toxically misogynistic generation. Maybe I’m crazy for wanting him to have an actual opinion and be able to give educated input to help me make such a big decision. Am I wrong for expecting anything of someone else in regards to my physical and sexual well being? It seems that way since society doesn’t care to prepare men to be capable of being that considerate towards their partners, why should they after all? Men only need be concerned with their own health according to what they’re taught and how they’re raised. I’m just unfortunate enough to have been raised with higher critical thinking abilities and a good heart that leaves me with high expectations for the people i care about which has me constantly let down.

[therealeststruggles101]

The cost of being humble

Having morals instilled in me from childhood and being raised to be hard working has ultimately cost me so much more than what I’ve been led to believe. All my life I’ve wished to be like other girls, spontaneous and witty, beautiful and fierce, advantageous and successful. As negative a connotation there is directly linked with being feminine as there is in this day and age, there has been nothing more that I could dream of being than to embrace and manipulate the female culture the way other girls do. The notion is probably a bit romanticized by social media but strippers and porn stars seems to have a good handle on how to make their living and be able to enjoy life. I don’t want to be rich and famous by any means, but I truly admite and envy the women who aren’t hesitant to make the best of there lives by flaunting what they have and prospering from the sex industries that generate such demands for beautiful bodies. It must seem kind of weird i suppose, but by being urged to focus on academics and my work ethic society has only left me broke and barely living a life worth anything at all. What I wouldn’t give to be able to live a lavish life style that was free of inhibitions and full of possibilities. Of course I’m not ignorant of the challenges they face, the dangers they can encounter because of their work and stigma they get for it despite society creating a market for such demands. These women are so strong and have so much power by working in such an industry. If i could ever have the confidence to make that transition i would, but in the eye of society I’m simply fat and plain ugly, completely undesirable and I have no rhythm to speak of. Even in some of the most desperate times of my life when I’ve seriously considered trying to get my foot into the sex industry my insecurities always stop me. I’ve been raised to hate my body and be ashamed of anything i do with it. All I’ve ever been taught is to work hard and you’ll succeed and have a good life. But what has it really gotten me? Jack fucking squat. My academics don’t mean anything- they won’t get me a job unless i can afford to go to college to get a degree, but then there’s the vicious loop of needing experience to get better jobs and having to find jobs to get the needed experience. Just because i work hard doesn’t mean the work is good. Most jobs I have are dead end and i still cant make ends meet even with multiple jobs and sources of income. But then there are girls and women around my age out enjoying life, full of attitude and spunk, making money to put themselves through school and have decent places to stay whether they strip, shoot porn, or do cam shows. I always figure how hard can it really be? But it’s not something that can be taught at this point in life, my self image has been beaten down since i was young and i was discouraged from being myself and showing any kind of attitude. I always wanted to be with the in group of girls and wear make up and cute outfits like them but school always came first and I was never invited into that life style. I wish things could be different so I wouldn’t have to be barely scraping by and hate myself more everyday. I just want to be happy and feel like life is worth living.

[therealeststruggles101]

[therealeststruggles101]

[catchymemes]

Egg 1 : 0 Chicken

[cutest-animals-here]

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Paw Cat Mug || Cat Mug & Spoon

Thermo Cat || Animals Big Cup

Rabbit Thermo || Paw Bottle Opener

Kawaii Thermo || Lazy Cat

Big Coffee Cup || Fine Cat Mug

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[therealeststruggles101]

The absence of support.

I find it incredibly didnt going through life on my own, even though I’m surrounded by people i love and who love me back. Throughout my years on this sad planet, I have always run into this obstacle of not being able to really confide in the people around me when i need it most. Most of my decisions are rash and impulsive, which is how i wind up in such sticky situations on a pretty regular basis. But usually before I do something that might be risky I try to talk about with those closest to me to see if I’m crazy or get support in my decisions. However, it seems like everytime i talk to someone about life changing things that my message is misconstrued and it only ends up being about what would make the most money and everyone else happy- except for me. Whenever I make a decision to pursue my own interests and improve my quality of life it quickly becomes either im selfish and only thinking of myself and just making decisions on my own anyway, or that i have no idea what im talking about and fucking things up. What I look for when i go to someone is reassurance and support that i never seem to receive. I certainly don’t want the people closest to meto simply agree with me all the time because i do fuck up alot since i can be so impulsive, but i at least want some constructive criticism and actual thought given in regards to whatever I’ve come to someone for. This even goes for how i am mentally since I’ve always struggled with opening up about thing like that to anyone. Everything just seems to go back to im just unnecessarily stressing myself out and just need to calm down. It’s so hard to go through everything without ever really being able to confide in the people that are supposed to be my support system because; it always just turns back on me and i just feel like myself, my feelings, and thoughts are attacked and that I just shouldn’t share anything with anyone at all to avoid it all together.

[sunellix-deactivated20200327]

THERE IS A DEAF CHARACTER WHO USES ASL IN THE DRAGON PRINCE I LOVE HER

[friendly-animals]

(Source)

[therealeststruggles101]

What I don’t want misconveyed

I usually get this in reverse- it happens everywhere i go when i tell people I’m an atheist. Whoever it is may feel attacked when i answer the question that is always asked: why don’t you believe in god/ a god??? What I always try to get across is that my experiences in life have brought me to my conclusions. What sometimes gets across instead is a sense that im trying to prove them wrong.

Let me make it clear, I couldn’t care less what someone else believes in. To each their own. So when you ask why not and i tell you, im not trying to make you abandon your lifestyle and beliefs. I’m only explaining my own lack of belief.

However, since somehow there’s usually some miscommunication, I always find that my disbelief is attacked. This usually results in people trying to tell me that I’ll come around eventually at some point. Some will simply invite me to a service with them and if i have time I’ll come if they dont come off in an uppity way about it. While open to attending, I’m always weary of this and any conversations following because most have this mission to convert me and win me over-prove me wrong about my beliefs or rather lack there of.

Let me also make it clear that I don’t bash someone’s religion or at least I don’t do so intentionally when I explain myself. So why is it that others feel the need to bible thump me and convert me when their efforts are pointless?