Whatever I Read

I am an over-20 on tumblr. Run far away. I have a history degree. I am getting married. Get as far away as you can.

[evilwizard]

STOP SPEEDRUNNING MY TOWER YOU INGRATES

[evilwizard]

YOU AREN’T GIVING ME ENOUGH TIME TO RESET THE TRAPS AND HEAL MY MINIONS

WE’RE UNIONIZED I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW

[aggressiveslothnoises]

*mashes the skip dialogue button*

[evilwizard]

[funnytwittertweets]

[drwcn]

cellars. obviously.

[ed-edward-blackbeard]

Can't. The cellar is full of Amontillado.

[ceekari]

Where? I don't see it

[cal-is-a-cuddlefish]

Just down here. Come this way and I'll show you.

[therearenodonutsindeath]

Emerges from an ADHD hyperfixation to show you my family as Bluey characters.

[therearenodonutsindeath]

Happy Pride!

[otherwindow]

[therearenodonutsindeath]

Alice in Portalland (photo reference is @Adorkastock)

[therearenodonutsindeath]

Hello 2016, it is I, the Me in 2021. I've been getting back into writing and drawing and I've been thinking that Tumblr is a good place to deposit the drawings I've made. So here! I've been self-teaching myself Clip Studio. I've also been focusing on historical costuming a bunch. And lately, I've gotten into reading manga (manhwa?)! This here is some fanart of Dayeon Lee from "The Meaning of You". She is extremely depressed in a way that I recognize, and so I love her. She also can talk to animals. I cannot empathize there. I was going to shade this and got frustrated and didn't. This is fine. Flats are fine.

[therearenodonutsindeath]

Randomly logged onto tumblr after 5 years away and I've been sent a post about Waldo/Carmen San Diego and another one about Home Depot cool cool cool cool How are all you people

[therearenodonutsindeath]

Y'all realize that, if Steven had aged properly rather than stopping at 8, this would be the current face of our hero? Look at this teenage goof.

[therearenodonutsindeath]

The Warp Pads are literally traveling at the Speed of Plot. Sometimes the SU Gang is depicted having conversations inside the Warp. Sometimes they don't even finish their sentences before they're at the destination pad. Unless Steven was shouting HAR-- --MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO --NEE! The whole way to the Sky Spire pad?

[therearenodonutsindeath]

Rewatching Steven Universe for the like 14th time, I noticed something in Frybo. The people who run screaming from the Fry shop are: -Mr. Fryman -Kiki Pizza -Jenny Pizza -Sour Cream -Buck Dewey In other words, they're the people who would be near the shop anyway. The Frymans work at the shop, obviously, but Kiki and Jenny would be working next door (or in Jenny's case, "working"), and Sour Cream and Buck would be hanging out with Jenny. Frybo probably went and grabbed them from the shop.

[obversa-deactivated20230922]

[just-shower-thoughts]

“We’re trying for a baby” is the only socially acceptable way of saying you’re dropping as much semen into your significant other as humanly possible.

[therearenodonutsindeath]

I got a hair cut, can you tell? (no, no you cannot) I made an appointment for today with my usual hair stylist. I always get my hair dyed. My roots are really bad -- more than an inch long at this point. And I said I wanted an appointment with Larissa, the usual thing. They said, "You're going to want your hair cut, right?" "Yes," I said, because this was a hair cutting place after all. But it was just the usual thing. I said that. I'm 90% certain that I said that I wanted my hair dyed as well. But they emphasized the hair cut. I only got a hair cut. Nowhere in the appointment did it say anything about getting my hair dyed. My hair looks like shit. I paid $60 to get my hair to look exactly as shit as it did before. "Where is your part?" asked this woman who has been cutting my hair every other month for the past two years. "Is it in the middle?" "No," I said. "It's on the left." As I have said every two months for the last two years. "How often do you wash your hair?" asked the woman who has been taking care of my hair for two years. "I never wash my hair," I said. "You don't?" "No," I said. "I condition my hair." "But when do you wash your hair?" "Never," I said. "Curly hair is too dry and fine, it doesn't need shampoo." "What do you do about your scalp?" "I scratch it thoroughly every morning." She yanked my wet hair as straight as it would go, and then cut angles into it. I'm sure it would look very nice if my hair kept the same shape when it was dry. It frames the face. But it would not keep the same shape. All it would do was shorten my front curls even more. She put some sort of weird gel in my hair. "It puts your curls into a sort of shell," she said. "It's supposed to reduce the frizz. It's anti-humidity." I stared. "What do you think?" "They're very defined," I said. "Your curls are naturally very beautiful," she said. I rinsed it out as soon as I got home. I have fluffy, natural ringlets. Not crispy waves. She called me as I was driving home. "Next time you come in, I need you to straighten your hair," she said. Next time I see her is the end of July. She doesn't have any time available before then.

[whoopsrobots]

Reasons Humans are the cutest animals:

1. They know that automatic doors open by themselves, ut when they walk towards them they slow down just in case. Sometimes they hold out their hands and pretend it’s magic.

2. They adopt smaller animals and live with them in their homes, sometimes imitating noises and sounds in attempts to communicate.

3. When they see something funny on TV, they immediately repeat it, sometimes to other people who were already in the room watching to begin with.

4. When they like being around someone very much, some humans will take clothing items from the person to have their smell around when they’re gone.

5. Many humans will take their favorite foods away from their regular feeding areas and hold off on eating them until they are sufficiently comfortable and entertained, to maximize on the experience.

6. Sometimes, a human will associate a particular song with an individual or event, and the song will invoke deep emotional reactions.

7. While many humans prefer to sleep alone, a large number of them sleep better when in close contact with another human who they trust and enjoy the company of.

8. When a human is particularly engaged by an enjoyable task or hobby, sometimes they simply forget that their bodies require basic care to survive.

9. Sometimes the urge for them to sneeze suddenly disappears, and they become frustrated with their automatic immune responses

10. Some humans talk in their sleep, or make funny noises or breathing patterns.

11. When a human likes another human, they begin to imitate vocal patterns and mannerisms.

12. Humans come in a wide range of shapes and colors, and many humans will decorate themselves with flashy dyes or fabrics.

13. They will collect random objects with no set objectives in mind- they will gather items such as paper squares, lengths of fabric, puzzle games, and pleasantly-shaped rocks, which they will excitedly show off to other humans.

[postlitany]

the most human postive post that could ever exist, I hope aliens find this post 

[seriousjones]

just figured it out: the reason why they never made a movie where air bud plays hockey is because it would have to be called air hockey

[tramampoline]

what the fuck, brooks. you and i BOTH know that that is not the nomenclature of the air bud series. besides, you need two points of contact to correctly hold a stick so there would need to be TWO dogs so clearly the title would be “air buds: two dogs”

[seriousjones]

oh, look who thinks he’s the big fucking air bud expert

“yeah, uh, air bud can’t hold a fuckin…stick, because, uh” oh wait

fuck your essentialist holding technique. you fucking trash

i do like “air bud: two dogs” though. maybe a tandem cycling movie?

[tramampoline]

please, as if i was suggesting a RETRIEVER cant hold a STICK i meant that he could not ARTICULATE A STICK IN A WAY THAT REQUIRES A FULCRUM ONLY USING HIS MOUTH

such as the motions required for EVEN THE MoST BASIC HOCKEY ACTIONS. whats he gonna do?? fuckin spin on the ice? DO YOU THINK THEY MAKE SKATES FOR DOGS, BROOKS?

[seriousjones]

way to align yourself with the evil rival coach in literally every air bud movie

“yeah, uh, air bud can’t have special, uh,…shoes, because, uh” oh wait

buddy could at least be the fucking goalie (it would fit the theme of the film if josh were the one trying to score anyway). we could even call it, fucking… air bud: penalty barks. not so goddamn smart now huh

[tramampoline]

PLEASE, and catch with his mouth? do you know what rubber at that velocity will do to his poor dog teeth? do you want buddy to never eat solid food again?

[seriousjones]

sure is casual in here! you act as if buddy doesn’t already subsist entirely on vanilla pudding and go-gurts

[tramampoline]

well this brings to the fore the Big Question of the franchise: is buddy merely a talented dog or is he magical? no normal dog could survive with such a massive deficiency of protein in his diet (given he consumes stock, child-friendly puddings and yogurts and not protein-enhanced) let alone play competitive sport against creatures with more usable limbs and opposable thumbs

but if he is magic, is he worthy of praise? is the only magical dog of his kind (prior to his talking progeny, best left unmentioned) and if not, how could we praise him for talents innate to his magic and not earned by virtue of strict training

is he truly

a Good Dog?

or just good magic in a dog body

[seriousjones]

i appreciate the critical engagement with the media here but please recall that the heart of the air bud series, and by extension, the fatal flaw of the air buddies series, is that air bud is a real-life talented dog. the air bud credit sequence confirms this:

buddy is actually making those free throws himself, like a canine jackie chan. the story of air bud, though dramatized to fit hollywood sensibilities, was based on the real-life buddy, a stray who, when adopted, just so happened to be a baller 

consider, then, how air buddies completely misses the mark (airballs, if you will) on what made air bud a timeless classic. they’re barely even dogs. they’re talking cgi abominations that go to fucking space. we know there ain’t no rule say the dog can’t play basketball, but there are a shit-ton of rules about the dog leaving earth’s orbit. like, i’m all for a true-to-life movie about laika, but space buddies is not that. it’s a crock of soulless bullshit

so yes, air bud is worthy of praise, and i would argue that he’s under-praised. in his life, buddy was nominated for all of 1 hollywood award, a kid’s choice award for favorite animal star, which went to salem from sabrina the teenage witch. it’s almost understandable that the handlers of buddy’s estate would allow the travesty of air buddies to happen, given that a magical talking cat beat out a legitimately talented dog. it’s bullshit top to bottom, and buddy is a truly good dog

[pokemonstadium2]

i can only contribute a mockup of the potential poster. i do of course know that buddy would never play for a team as ruthless as boston but i couldn’t find an image of a golden retriever in a leafs jersey, which of course represents the sort of underDOGS that the air bud franchise is so fond of

[tramampoline]

RAE HOLY SHIT

[seriousjones]

RAE OH MY GOD

[macklesufficient]

but did victor frankenstein actually have a phd

[macklesufficient]

no one’s answered my question

[macklesufficient]

THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS AN UNDERGRAD

IMAGINE HEARING ABOUT THE DUDEBRO LIVING NEXT TO U IN THE DORMS “yah dave dropped out cuz he built a fucking person”

[necro-romantic]

victor frankenstein was a little bITCH and he had no degree at all, he was at college for like, a year and then he was like “lol these bitches ain’t got nothing on me” and he just got an apartment and stopped going to school so he could build a person. i don’t think he even formally dropped out, he just kind of disappeared and nobody even questioned it because that’s what you expect when some cocky asshole comes to class like “i know more than everyone in this school and one day i’m going to prove it by ending dEATH ITSELF” 

fucking bullshit victor, come home and eat some goddamn soup you wussass teenager 

fucking trashass motherfucker 19 year old sin machine

go get ur liver pecked by birds u mess of a human being

[banal-adventures]

i am never going to let the world forget that victor frankenstein spent 90% of the novel moping instead of doing literally anything else. actual quote from emo kid victor frankenstein “my only solace was silence - deep, dark, deathlike silence” like HOW EXTRA

[manicpixiesdreamdragon]

You’d almost think Mary Shelly was taking inspiration from someone she knew….

[viohra]

Leave Lord Byron alone