wil (he/they)

maybe i’ll rant here sometimes

[thereisverylittleleftofme]

The Keeper

I see him again

Cowering under the weight of a lifetime of trauma

Ducking into the trees

His black cloak trailing behind him,

Memories seeping out of the seams.

I watch him as his hand trembles,

stretched outright,

Lantern flickering,

Illuminating the way into the night.

Listen closely.

The wind whispers secrets of the past

Forest fog lingers

Swallowing the murmurs among the grass.

The keeper’s pace quickens

He disappears into the mist.

I understand that I am meant to follow

As he understands I am the reason he exists.

(This poem is unfinished for now)

[thereisverylittleleftofme]

Writer’s block

Trying to get the words on the page

But the effort is futile

Like the emotionless expression on my face,

Like the flatness of my voice,

The page remains blank.

Not because I don’t care,

But because the pen simply won’t move.

[thereisverylittleleftofme]

I mirror your anger

The hedonist grinning at the opportunity

To make things worse

He has been waiting (impatiently) for this moment:

Confrontation.

So now he can fight back

But you don’t know

That he is not fighting you,

But rather the ghosts

Of people who confronted him long ago

Before he learned to defend himself.

The hedonist itches to get revenge

Not on you

None of this is on you

But this perceived threat,

It consumes him, consumes me.

[thereisverylittleleftofme]

all of these excuses

and none of them make sense

all of it is meaningless

when the truth is i am

just as bad as the rest of them

[thereisverylittleleftofme]

how to write a love poem because i am so fucking in love but i dont know how to write anything that can even begin to express that

[thereisverylittleleftofme]

Confusion,

Must every poem start with a question,

must every letter be addressed to someone,

because I want to write this letter

With no subject,

no artistic value

But some of the charm that comes with

Confusion

Not knowing where I went wrong,

How could I have acted differently

If my vulnerability must be earned

lets get one thing straight it has been earned

But confusion holds me back because

Who wants to see the frail child within me,

When I hold myself so far upright nobody can laugh

Because that weakness takes strength

and God am I tired

[thereisverylittleleftofme]

am i ready for this?

the wind in my hair with the

windows rolled all the way down

and everything that should be right

in the world is wrong

when up is down and there will be no magical green flash,

no perfect sunset or brilliant ideas,

where can i go?

forever, never tangible, like me,

a harsh current, waiting for my time

to sweep somebody up and ruin their life in the process

because i am sure

i am sure that no, im not ready for this,

the way flowers were not ready for the frost

[thereisverylittleleftofme]

its been a year since my cousin died and its been a week since my boyfriend broke up with me and i dont know how to keep pretending im okay because the truth is im really fucking not

[thereisverylittleleftofme]

trying really hard to be okay but its been a year since you died and i miss you like crazy

[thereisverylittleleftofme]

“mother, i know youre tired of being alone, dad, i know youre trying to fight when you feel like flying” (unsteady by x ambassadors) hits different when your addict father left your mother over drugs two decades ago and continues to struggle with addiction

[thereisverylittleleftofme]

you took everything from me,

my cousins,

my innocence,

me.

addiction

[thereisverylittleleftofme]

the constant battle between anxiety and depression, both of them trying to debilitate me, but im fighting back.

[thereisverylittleleftofme]

how is it im hung up on the one person who does not care about me?

i have a huge support system.

im so lucky to have so many friends who care.

yet i cant get over the fact that that one person doesnt.

[thereisverylittleleftofme]

i feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, so uncomfortable in my own mind

[thereisverylittleleftofme]

go ahead and think about me. miss me, even. but dont go and say you loved me when you couldnt even try to act like it.

[thereisverylittleleftofme]

the most interesting part of all of this is that if you texted me i would still be tempted to reply

[thereisverylittleleftofme]

so ive decided this is the end of our.. whatever it is we had going on. im done chasing you while you run away from me, begging you to give me just an ounce of your being, because i love you but god it hurts me.