The odd fragments of an ancient's lost mind.

How does one begin to describe oneself, when you have been around as long as I have? You cannot. You simply need to start writing, and hope that the path you took will lead the reader in the right direction. I hope to educate you, the reader, from my mistakes. Read these entries. Think on these entries. Do not repeat the devastation that I have caused. This is all I attempt to do. I cannot undo what I have done. But I can prevent it from happening again through technology, and reaching out to this centuries rulers of the world. This is my story.

[thesecravings-blog]

Cravings.

There is something powerful in a craving.  We all get them.  Every gender, every age, every species - we all want something so strongly that it consumes our mind for a period of time.  Some cravings are more powerful that others - we push them back into the depths of our mind, concentrating on other things until it resurfaces.  But sometimes that is just impossible.  Or so it seems.

We sit; stand; sometimes pace; scratch at our arms, our wrists- we draw blood, or overindulge in something else to distract us.  Anything to not succumb to it.  We know we can't have it, whatever it is.  It always happens this way.  We want the exact thing that would be the very worst for us.  Ethically, morally... or simply for our health.

Is it that beautiful chocolate cake?  Is it peeking through the keyhole while your girlfriend gets undressed? Or is it taking the life you promised never to touch?  Never to harm?  And never to influence?

No matter how poised or strong someone may seem, they always have a weakness.  There will always been something that weighs heavily on their mind as they stand tall before you, bleeding their confidence through your own flimsy barriers of emotional trauma. 

We all know this - though we pretend we don't.  We see someone beautiful, their muscles complimenting their bones, their teeth bright white encased in a symmetrical smile and see perfection.  Someone completely disciplined, hardworking, and perhaps a little lucky.  They have the good life.  They had the strength to carry on, and ignore the cravings.  Or perhaps all they ever craved were those perfect, flat abs?  They spent hours working on toning their body, and stand there before you, flawless, pretending it all came naturally.  You hate them, you want to be them, but you cannot let go of that chocolate cake I mentioned previously.  You saw it, smelled it, maybe even tasted it in your minds eye.  You know which cake I am referring to.  It's perfect.  Not too sweet, yet sweet enough.  It is the ultimate treat.  Something you know you should never allow to pass your lips because once you taste it there is no going back.  You don't have the strength to ignore that second bite.  The second slice. 

That is what you are to me.  Some of you more than others.  I see you, I smell you.  But I can never have you.  Talk to you.  Because if I even begin that process again, I will ruin it.  I know this for it has happened before - when I made the mistake of believing I was stronger than I am, and that love conquered all.

[thesecravings-blog]

Expect Fragments.

My thoughts, like this tale are fragmented.  I do not think like you do, in a straight productive line leading to some inevitable end.  No, I cannot think that way for there is no certain end for me.  I would like to think there is somewhere in my future, but from what I have seen of others like me, the end is merely a pause before the next stage of our future begins.  Something I have already passed through many times.

So here we are, attempting to decipher my ramblings and I haven’t even properly begun my tale.  It is about time I got on with it.  Though I still do not know where to begin.

[thesecravings-blog]

An Attempt at a Beginning.

Where does one begin when describing a segment in their life?  Our lives are not measured by exact minutes or events.  How can one truly start in the middle, without forgetting some key piece of thought which may have occurred years before the event, but still affected the outcome?

This is my main problem.  The life I have lived so far has been a long one – longer than you may realize.  Do I start the day I saw her for the first time?  Or perhaps a year before then?  What background information do you require to reap the full effects, and full understand the impact of the eventual moral of this tale?

I wish I could begin when we were our happiest; when we were close enough to each other to bond, but far enough to avoid the inevitable catastrophe.  Of course, I also wish I could stop telling this tale before the mentioned catastrophe – but then you, the dear reader, would never learn.  That would destroy the whole purpose of this.  You must learn, for the sake of this wonderful world we live in.  You must learn before you make the same mistakes I did, and lay the rest of your days in emotional ruin.