𝒯𝒽𝑒𝓈𝒾𝒶'𝓈 𝒯𝒽𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽𝓉𝓈

22 | PH | She who writes. 🌙

[thesmolines]

All the things I wanna say but I never did.

Since the start of our friendship, I heard a lot of horror stories about how you broke girl's heart one after another but never did I imagine that I will be one of them.

For the entirety of our togetherness, I've experienced care and comfort like never before. You started out as this sweet guy which honestly, I never expected from you because of your bad boy facade and yet you let me see pass through that. I knew then from how you'd hold my hand and caress my hair that I'd fall in love with you in a heartbeat— I wasn't wrong.

That feeling grew even more deeper when I got to be with you 24/7 for the entire three months. I've seen you naked and it is not just clothing wise. You opened up and you let me see you in your most vulnerable times when you'd tell stories about your family, your past heartaches and the struggles you continuously face. I did the same, too. I let you see how weak I am despite my constant effort to come off as this strong independent woman. In Cavite we both allowed ourselves to be just that—ourselves. As much as I want to savior every instances that made feel like I was in cloud nine, It would take me hours to do so.

That house was our own little bubble and you were my escape but 6 months later, it's the other way around. You're now the one I wanna escape from because you changed and It hurt me big time.

I knew sooner or later we're going to bid each other goodbye. I just had this gut feeling inside me that we aren't going to last—but no one told me it would be this soon.

When things started to go south, I told myself to just enjoy your company while you're with me and instead of obsessing over what lies ahead, I decided to focus on the now. I was adamant to do everything to save this relationship but you aren't. When things were no longer rainbows and butterflies, you just left and never tried to fix things.

Although you came back, I now wish you did not. I wish you did not pick me up that night at 1 am just to tell me how much you missed me. I wish you I did not kiss you or hug you again that night. I wish you stayed as far away from me as possible because every time we stick around, the more I am slapped with the truth that what we have isn't really meant to last.

Seeing myself try so hard to fight for you, instead of fighting with you made me think twice about wasting my energy. I knew that night when you can't even give the bare minimum, I had to leave. I had to let you go. And so, I did.

Before I reached that decision I had to think about it ten times or even more. So now there is a question bugging me since then and it is this: When you did it to me, how come it looked so easy for you? Because it took every bit of me to send that text message that I had to close my eyes as I press send. How did you not find reason to stay? Because I did and I did not find any except for the fact that I love you but we know that's not enough. If only you gave me a lil' bit of assurance to know that you're still in it with me.

Either way, what's done is done. All there's left to do is accept things and heal from all the things that left us scathed. That's what I'm doing right now. 🙏🏻

[thesmolines]

It’s been a hot minute since I wrote something heartfelt. Lately, I can’t find the motivation to spill my thoughts out through words, or maybe I’m still trying to move on from the trauma my previous writing job has caused me.

I realized pursuing your passion doesn’t guarantee 100% happiness and contentment. There will be days when you will dread what you’re doing. What you used to be a pour-my-heart out sessions have become agonizing brainstorming hours. I used to write because I love doing it, now I write because I have to make a living out of it.

Before, whenever I experience writer’s block (which happened a lot), I push myself to the edge just to come up with something. It ended up exhausting every ounce of me, to the point where I despise laying my fingers on the keyboard, and that scared the shit out of me. After a few breakdowns and near- giving-up scenarios, I have come to realize that being hard on myself will do me no good. Instead, I have to take a step back and calm down until the fire inside me ignites again.

[thesmolines]

Never not loving this song.

[thesmolines]

Don't date a girl who writes because she will use every feeling as a tool to cut herself open and bleed words.

Don't date a girl who writes for you will forever be included in her works until she runs out of things to say.

[i-wrotethisforme]

One day you’ll meet someone and everything will just make sense. Why every other relationship didn’t work out, why no one else was ever good enough, why you’ve always felt like something was missing. Why that one breakup didn’t hurt as bad as it should have and why you let that other one get to you way too much. Every piece you’ve ever wanted and every piece you didn’t even know you needed will suddenly be there and everything will feel like it’s finally coming together the way that it should. And there are so many people who have found this person who will read this and completely understand. So if this sounds fake, impossible, or unrealistic to you, it’s just because you’re not one of them yet.

[thesmolines]

Visiting mendiola after a month of not living there made me really miss college. Nostalgia came rushing in and my chest is slammed with that overwhelming feeling of how fleeting time is.

Even though i am happy i was able to finish my bachelor's degree on time, I can't help but feel sad knowing those carefree days are long gone and now just memories.

It made me felt a pang of regret that those moments slipped away so fast, i was not able to make the most out of it.

It made me sad I took for granted all the time I could have spent hanging out with friends, enjoying extra curricular activities and meeting new people instead of snuggling with a book, enjoying the comforts of my dorm room.

We were told to savor the fun of being kolehiyala along with its hardships but we did not listen. We're all anxious to grow up and leave the premises of the university that we all can't wait to finish that last exam and bid each other goodbye.

It's true when they say, nothing makes you quite so aware of something as the loss of it. I wished I've known, I would have clung to those moments a little harder.

As a I write this blog post, a wave of memories are flooding my mind. From the first time I entered the walls of my department with nothing but fear in my heart to the last day of feeling so ecstatic upon receiving my toga. Back then, I was still this hopeful probinsiyana who thought college is just a mere bus stop in my entire endeavor but man, i was wrong. My veiws are now tainted by reality and entire perspective shifted 360 degrees.  It turned out more than just a series of sleep deprivation and tests exhaustion.

I want to go back. I want to relive the moments but life offers no such. So, my piece of advice to all college students out there, enjoy every moment while you're still at it.

[thesmolines]

I hate how when I say your name now it isn’t the same flavor as before. It’s tainted by the taste of bad decisions and heartbreak.

Bright Minds- Empty Soul

[thesmolines]

I should have stopped writing about you

the moment you left

I should have stopped thinking about you

the moment you left

but here I am again, scribbling words

reminiscing the moments we spent

WHAT. AN. IDIOT.

[thesmolines]

Before this decade ends, I will forgive those who have wronged me -- even if they aren't sorry; the forgiveness is not for them, it is for my peace of mind and sanity.

[thesmolines]

We don't talk anymore

You're probably happy with her

And it's obvious you don't care about me

But i just want to let you know

That I still listen to your songs

You're still included in my prayers

And even if you suck it all out of me

I still wish you happiness.

This is how I heal.

[thesmolines]

The Day You Left

I took a breath into your sweet scent

Watched as you peacefully sleep

I savor the seconds I can hug you skin to skin

knowing moments like this will never happen again

At 8am your alarm started to ring

that's when I realized, all of these is just a fling

I dread the moment you'd stand up and bid goodbye

because that's when I had to hug you one last time

Please know that I never wanted to detach, to untangle myself from your embrace

But you were adamant to leave, adamant to escape

I can feel you slipping away

I was afraid to let you go that morning

that morning when I last saw you.

[thesmolines]

R E L E A S E.

to get these all off my chest; I scattered all the things I wanna say into a thousand unsent messages you will never probably receive.

[thesmolines]

Dead Kids

“Kung may isang tao na gusto mong mawala sa mundo, Sinong gusto mo?”

For me, this exact line wraps up the entire thought of this film by Mikhael Red. Dead Kids is a story of how four teenagers are desperate to get back to the school bully, who is a privileged kid and a constant problem to their everyday lives by keeping him as hostage in exchange for money. Although the hefty sum of money they might get from all this is one of their motives, you can see right through the characters that the money is not just what they longed for. It is their strong eagerness to take matters into their own hands for that sense of power they thirst for when the antagonist is around.

Being the first Filipino original movie on Netflix, I was instantaneously intrigued the moment I saw how social media is hyping up this film. I must say, it was worth it. I had to pause once in a while to laugh or grasp the scenes because it is both funny and intense. Dead Kid did not fail me at all; this might just be added to my shortlist of favorite movies for how funny yet critical this movie is. Thus, here are my reactions without spoiling y’all! Three C’s, here we go!

1.The Characters!! Oh my goodness. The characters are very much underrated. They are rising actors who gave justice to the role they were given. From the antagonist down to the supporting roles, all were nothing but good! I love how they gave us new faces for this movie because tbh, I am so tired of seeing the same lead roles over and over again. I love the role of Khalil Ramos. Although the lines were not your typical heavy punch lines, the way he delivered it made a big impact. He was very effective and convincing that I felt how scared he was that his girlfriend might rat them out.

2. The Cinematography also made the film cooler than it already is. The shots were amazing plus you can feel the thriller vibe the movie is trying to emanate because of the color tone of the movie. The goal is to shift from pop-friendly moments that can be seen during parties inuman sessions of the cast to dramatic tones when the boys are about to meet their fates.

3. The Cursing, the slurs made the scenes even more realistic. If I have to take a shot for every swearing I hear in this entire movie, I would puke my entire intestine out because it is literally in every scene. The slurs for me, was like the seasoning of the entire chicken for it surely gave the entire film the flavor we, teenagers seem to love. Its depiction of how easily warped the ideologies of the youth of today also left me in awe. They portrayed how susceptible the youth are in doing things that might put them in great risk, especially without the proper guidance of adults.

As I have mentioned earlier, this movie also touched several relevant social issues that most filmmakers avoid. The depth and meaning behind every dialogue spouted by the characters served as a silent wake up call to the growing inequality and rampant oppression of those who have less. They also gave us a peek in the dirty world of those who are in power and how they can get away with everything just because they have the means.

This isn’t new to the eyes and ears of the audience but how classism and social divide was portrayed in this movie gave us quite a clearer view as to how the weak get weaker and how they are easily persuaded and used in situations where they are made to believe that getting out of their hell hole called poverty is within their reach if they agreed to the circumstances they are given.

Overall, I love the movie and the way they told the story but WHAT A CLIFFHANGER!!!! I still have questions bombarding my mind up until now. I am still skeptic who ratted them out? How did the police found out that it was them? Or why was Yssa not arrested if she became an accessory to the crime? Or What happened to Blanco right after he was saved by his father? Nevertheless, It was a really good movie and I’m hoping to see more movies like this.

[beautemillesimee]

My tumblr is what the inside of my head looks like.

[thesmolines]

What healing really means...

I used to think healing requires only nothing but time, that the only thing I have to do is wait around for the agony to be over and wake up one day without the ache--but it's nothing like that.

Healing is ugly and there is no other way to put it.

Healing is being open to the reality that some dreams are not meant for you and even it does, it won't happen overnight. It's a never-ending journey of perseverance and dedication.

Healing is facing the truth that some friendships--even the ones that started decades ago is not going to last. You have to forgive them for never trying to reach out to you, the same way you have to forgive yourself for the fact that it was once your toxicity that contributed to the entire chaos.

Healing is acknowledging a heartbreak and swallowing the hardest pill that you have been used and lead on by guys with no intention of pursuing you. It is accepting that it was not you, who he chose and learning to deal with that truth every day.

Healing means facing all of these different kinds of pain without knowing when you will find relief. It is confronting your worst demons. It is breaking yourself over and over again to get better because you deserve to...

[thesmolines]

Because I’m also still healing. I’m still working on myself. I’m still trying to bring my old heart back. And I’m still trying to find a way to fix everything people broke in me. I’m still trying to heal the wounds inside my heart. I’m still trying to be brave again. To trust again. To love again.

thought catalog

[thesmolines]

Unanswered

When people leave us, the sudden disconnection from that someone is not the only thing that cripples us. The void & unanswered questions they left in our hearts is what makes everything even harder to grasp.

How can they sleep so tightly knowing we're losing sleep over them?

How can they smile so madly knowing someone out there is hurting so badly?

How did they manage to make us feel special and take it all back in just a whim? 

How can people be so heartless?