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HEY so umm i sent in an ask with some fanart attached but i realised about 30 seconds ago that i must have caught the screen by accident, so there was a random line, but ive fixed it--
Again, thank you for giving the world that fanfic, six is my favourite doctor and i think it's adorable! :]
Hi! So I logged in for the first time in a while to see this, and I'm sorry it took me so long to see!! Can I just say, this is the sweetest thing!!! I love your art! It's such a surreal thing to see some fanart inspired by something I wrote, even if just vaguely, and I just wanted to thank you for sending this in!!
Of course, he was tempted to open that notebook: you always carried it around, shielding it from any, even accidentally, prying eyes. He has seen you scribbling something across coarse pages, hands dusted with charcoal, only to quickly close it whenever someone was around. He could only wonder and assume what that leatherbound book held inside and perhaps it was the secrecy itself that pushed him beyond the boundaries of privacy.
As it always so happened, the said notebook was lying on top of the console - you kept it there to make sure you don't forget it on your way out of the TARDIS. The Doctor didn't mind it, at least not anymore. He became so accustomed to the book's existence that his mind didn't register it anymore; especially at that fateful moment when he was a little too preoccupied with making sure the spaceship didn't crash.
The Doctor hit the console with a hammer, unintentionally making the notebook fall; it opened upon contact with the metal floor. Because of the great strength he had to use and the unexpectedly major tilt the TARDIS took, Doctor find himself catching his balance right above the leatherbound book. Looking down, he was momentarily taken aback - the coarse, beige pages weren't empty. Instead, he was greeted by a familiar face drawn in charcoal.
"It's... me?" he said to himself. The discovery made little to no sense to him - Doctor expected something less... mundane. Ordinary.
There was no doubt that the black lines twisted together constructing an impressively realistic image of him. Although there was nothing strange in his own face, there was a strangeness in its sole appearance - why would your notebook be filled with portraits of him? Was that the secret you had been keeping away from him? Why did you think it was something that should remain hidden?
"Why are you looking through this?!" He heard your panicked shout. The TARDIS was no longer experiencing pandimensional turbulences and so you had no problem in speedin towards him.
You quickly picked up the sketchbook and held it close to your chest, embarrassed that the queer mystery had seen the light of day. A flustered blush crept upon your face, making you look even more anxious. The lazy whirring of the machinery was drowned out by the blood rushing inside your head. Panic made your body feel all sorts of uncomfortable and tingly, suddenly appearing terrifyingly foreign to you.
"No, I didn't." He shook his head. It was a poor attempt at feigning ambivalence. "It fell off the console and opened. Why are you keeping it here anyway? It can get damaged!"
For a moment, a silence fell between you too. Your lower lip got caught between your teeth; Doctor knew you well enough to become certain that something serious and problematic was on your mind. There were words you had to say, maybe even wanted to but your own hesitation and anxiety kept them lodged in your throat.
"You've looked through it, didn't you?" you asked quietly. He barely heard you above the loud machinery of the TARDIS. For a split second, he was sure it was his conscience, ready to crush his ribcage with the pangs of guilt.
"Yup," he answered after a while, suddenly feeling embarrassed about his nosiness. Doctor caugh a glimpse of your uneasy, maybe hurt, expression and quickly averted his gaze. "I shouldn't have. I'm sorry."
Your next words were spoken in a gentle, absentminded tone and so Doctor wasn't sure whether you were talking to him or more to yourself:
"Then I guess there's no harm in showing you the rest."
His ears metaphorically perked up and the embarassment or guilt were nowhere to be found anymore - excitement took their place.
"It's, you know, not much. Just me scribbling things I want to remember."
The first pages presented landmarks of places you had visited, quick sketches of spaceships or pieces of alien technology. Although he was silent at the moment, Doctor was admiring your eye for details - how just a few charcoal squiggles could capture the complex design and grandeur of things you were seeing for the very first time. His hearts began to clench with yearning and a strange type of shame as he began to think that he wasn't as important to you as he initially thought and the portraits of him were probably a result of long hours when he was fixing something and you had nothing better to do besides waiting.
To his returning excitement, the pictures of architecture, technology and clothing stopped, only to be exchanged for sketches of himself. The variety of the said drawings made him blush slightly - some pictures must had been done while he was focusing on something else, capturing the raw honesty of his soul in those short moment when he had thought that no one was watching. In the back of his head creeped a fantasy, a wonder, that there was a time when your undivided attention and fascination belonged only to him. In a sense, it was your affection for him that made him immortal and he wasn't sure how he felt about you having such power - most of all, he feared his own hypothetical jealousy towards all the other things littering the coarse paper of the notebook. Yes, your fingers lay him into eternal memory upon sheets of paper - to be witnessed by eyes that had already closed and hearts not yet born.
"I like this one best." You pointed out a very detailed sketch taking up a whole page. Doctor couldn't discern when exactly you had drawn it but judging by the wide smile on his face, it was a moment of thrill or joy. It surely wasn't a drawing one makes after acciddentally witnessing someone laugh; no, it was a sketch of a committed observer.
"Why that one?" he asked. "The arch was marvellous and currently blown up. While he," Doctor vaguely pointed at the drawing of himself. "Is here all the time."
"Well, that arch is still intact in here." Your finger gently tapped the beige paper. "Forever a masterpiece of alien architecture. In a way, it's as if it had never blown up, you know?" He caught your eyes when you looked at him to see whether you got your point across. The quiet moment of intimacy would've lasted longer if your adoring timidness did not force you to finally avert his gaze. "And now there’s a place in this universe where you’re always happy."
The Doctor felt a little too flustered to point out that it was missing you.
Warning(s): (Ninth's) self-esteem issue, argument, mention of injury, (Tenth's) fear of abandonment, (Eleventh's) argument, (Twelfth's) self-esteem issue, abandonment, (Thirteenth's) family issues
Author's Note: I know I write these using Taylor Swift songs a lot, but she's a very good artist to test the waters with.
**This is written as if each Doctor is a separate story, not all connected.
**Not intentionally written in chronological order
----------------------------
Ninth Doctor:
The Archer
I've been the archer
I've been the prey
Who could ever leave me darling...
But who could stay?
"Don't."
I was stunned when he spoke. Well, I was less stunned by the fact that he spoke and more stunned by what he had said.
"What," I asked, forcing a chuckle.
We had just gotten done with another trip. It was a rough one. But it had ended well. Everyone survived. That was what mattered.
Now, I was stood in the console room, maybe a few inches from the Doctor. I thought this was going to be it. The moment that it all changed for us.
"Don't do this," he said, stepping back.
I froze, watching him walk around the console.
It was silent. For a while. A long while. It took me time to gather my thoughts as he fiddled around with pieces of the console.
"I-I'm sorry," I finally muttered. "I thought... I thought we were..."
"I can't," he replied.
"Can't," I asked. "Not don't? But can't?"
He grinned to himself. "Always catching my wording."
"Doctor..."
He looked at me. He didn't say anything. It was like a silent warning. Or a message that he didn't want to discuss it. I stepped toward him. A silent response that I wanted to know.
"You ran off with a strange man in a box," he said. "That's all I should be to you."
I furrowed my eyebrows.
"You deserve a normal life," he continued. "A normal relationship with a normal man. Maybe someone who works in an office. Then, have a normal life and a normal job and a normal marriage-"
I reached over and grabbed his hand. "I have plenty of time to decide whether or not normal is in the cards for me. Right now, I don't want that. I want to be with you."
He raised an eyebrow at me, looking at me through the corner of his eye.
"Because I have feelings for you," I added.
He moved his hand, holding it properly. "And when I let you down?"
"'When'," I asked.
"I will eventually."
"What?"
He stepped away from me. I grabbed his arm before he could. He looked at my hand.
"I don't give a shit about what you think you're going to do," I said. "You have no way to actually know that because you can't travel in your own timeline."
He seemed to bite back a chuckle. "I need to stop teaching you things."
"Too late," I grinned. "Now, Doctor... can I please take you out to dinner?"
There was another pause. He was weighing the chances. The first completely careful decision since I met him.
He finally nodded. "I'd like that."
Stay, Stay, Stay
Stay, stay, stay
I've been loving you for quite some time, time, time
You think that it's funny when I'm mad, mad, mad
But I think that it's best if we both stay
"I have every reason to slap you across the face right now."
"Oh, is there a list?"
I clenched my jaw at his attitude.
There was one thing about the Doctor that I found to be unchanging. He was willing to do anything that could impact an entire planet without saying a single word or giving you any information. And at times, that pissed me off.
"Oh, for the love," I muttered. "You are such a-"
"A what," he asked. I felt my confidence fading. "Go on, what am I?"
"A prick!"
"Ooo, very creative," he sassed.
"Oh, shut up," I shouted. "For the love of God, let me be angry without making some stupid joke out of it! Because I can tell that when you do that, you have nothing to say because you know what you did was wrong!"
"Oh, do I?"
"Yes!"
"How so?"
"Because you have no defense, no reasoning," I said. "You've got an ego and no ability to admit you messed up!"
"I saved those people-"
"You know very well that I am not upset about that!"
"Then, what is it?"
"You didn't communicate with me," I yelled. "You kept me in the dark when you took a risk that could've backfired in a matter of moments!"
"You would've talked me out of it!"
"You have no proof of that! You just don't like being questioned!"
The Doctor didn't speak up after that. I just sighed and sat on one of the benches, tucking my head in my hands.
There was a long moment of silence before he moved to sit down next to me.
"Do you... Do you want to leave," he asked quietly.
"No," I muttered, leaning back in my seat. "Of course, I don't."
He nodded.
"I... I need you to talk to me," I continued, looking at him. "We see situations like that almost every day. I can't run into stuff like that if I know that you don't see us as equals."
"I do see you as an equal."
I raised an eyebrow.
"I... I'll do better," he promised. "You're right."
I placed my hand on my chest in fake shock.
"Shut up," he added.
I grinned, letting my hand fall.
"I want you to stay."
"I'd hope so," I replied, leaning against his shoulder. "Because you're stuck with me."
"I think I'm alright with that."
peace
But there's robbers to the east
Clowns to the West
I'd give you my sunshine
Give you my best
But the rain is always gonna come
If you're standing with me
I slowly walked over and sat next to the Doctor on the metal steps. He was glaring at the wall. It was like he was building up walls in his mind. Brick by brick.
I didn't force him to speak. I just wrapped an arm around him, leaning on his shoulder.
That seemed to shock him back into reality because he suddenly moved back, looking at me. I grinned at him, sadly. His hand reached over and touched my side. I closed my eyes for a moment. There was a fresh bruise forming from where I got hit during our last trip.
"This keeps happening," he muttered. "I keep getting you hurt."
I shook my head. "I got myself hurt."
"No-"
"I jumped into that fight," I stopped him. "I did that on my own."
"To try and protect me."
"It was still my decision," I said. "I jumped into the fight, that creature was the one to hit me. You're not at fault for any of this."
He pulled his hand away and closed his eyes, looking away from me. I leaned on his shoulder again.
"All I've done is gotten you hurt. You could have some kind of normal life without me-"
"Oh, bullshit," I scoffed, leaning away from him again. His eyes went wide. "You have given me the best period of my life. I wouldn't trade that for the world because you made it all worth it."
I poked his chest as I said "you" the second time, causing him to furrow his eyebrows at me before leaning back slightly.
"You are an amazing man and if staying with you to experience the wonders of time and space means a few bumps and bruises, then I am happy paying that price," I continued. "Because it's you."
I barely caught sight of the small grin on his face. I pointed at him.
"I saw that."
"What?"
"I saw you smile," I said before jumping up from my spot. "Now, come on. I will not have you sit here and be angry with yourself. Because look at me. I'm fine. I am alive and I am happy and that is all because of you."
The Doctor stood up and suddenly pulled me into a hug.
"I'm happy here," I promised. "Without the normal."
"Yeah, so am I," he muttered, hugging me a little tighter.
Tenth Doctor:
Begin Again
'Cause you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did
I've been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a café, I watched it begin again
I had long given up on the chance of me being special. I assumed that I was meant for average. Average education, average job, average life.
And then, I met the Doctor and all of that changed.
He took me from my average life. He let me entertain the idea that I was something more than just an average person. That I had a real purpose. I was more than the way other people viewed me.
I think knowing that he saw me as something more than just a human is part of the reason that I developed feelings for him.
I tried to ignore it at first. The two of us were friends. At most. I didn't have time to address those ideas.
And then, we were captured.
We were sitting next to each other in a cell. Not talking much. I was waiting for the Doctor's plan.
"It's times like this that I miss the whole 'bigger on the inside' concept," I muttered.
The Doctor and I looked at each other for a moment before he slowly started laughing. I grinned to myself as he leaned his head against the wall.
He looked over at me when his laughter died down.
I don't know why I decided to do it. I just did. I leaned over and pressed my lips to his gently.
It wasn't until he kissed me back that I let my thoughts drift. The idea that this was all going to work. That I deserved this.
The Doctor cupped the side of my face moments before he leaned back.
"What was that for," he asked.
"Just... Just because I wanted to," I said quietly. He smiled at me. "Get us out of here and I'll do it again."
He chuckled before standing up. "You've got yourself a deal."
Lover
Can I go where you go?
Can we always be this close forever and ever?
And ah, take me out and take me home
You're my, my, my, my
Lover
I let out a laugh as the Doctor twirled the pair of us in a circle. He started jumping around the console excitedly, rambling about wherever he wanted us to go.
I watched him go through his whole speech with a grin on my face.
I found myself zoning out after a while, just watching him being completely caught up in his excitement. I think he noticed after a while. He noticed the lovestruck look sitting on my face.
"Are you alright," he asked, walking over to me. His excitement had turned into worry.
I nodded. "Yeah, I'm perfectly fine."
He furrowed his eyebrows at me. "What is it?"
"Nothing, nothing," I shook my head.
"(Y/n)?"
"I just... I love you," I said softly. "A lot."
He grinned at me for a moment before cupping the sides of my face and kissing me. It was quick. More of a peck than anything else. I was just a little bit stunned when he leaned back.
It was the first time that I had said it. I had been thinking it
"I love you too," he mumbled.
A smile broke out on my face.
"Like a lot," he continued. "Honestly, it's getting a bit ridiculous. I'm starting to think-"
"Alright, alright," I laughed, waving him off.
The Doctor chuckled back before stepping back toward the console. "We should take a special trip for this. Some place that we'll remember."
"Anywhere you want," I replied.
"Oh, no," he shook his head. "You follow me every day. It's my turn to follow you. Your choice."
I grinned, walking over to kiss him again. "I love you so much, you madman."
"I love you too," he muttered, kissing my cheek. "So much more than you'll ever know."
Come Back... Be Here
And this is when the feeling sinks in
I don't wanna miss you like this
Come back, be here, come back, be here
I tried not to count the days after the Doctor left me. He had promised a few hours at most, but what I experienced was weeks of loneliness. I was left in my home that now felt bigger than the TARDIS. I was left without any answers, and I was losing hope.
It was a month after he left that there was a knock on my door.
I pulled open the door to see the Doctor standing there. He had a smile on his face. He clearly had no idea how long it had truly been since I had last seen him. My mouth fell open in shock and I felt tears form in my eyes.
His smile fell when he saw that.
"What happened," he asked. "What's wrong?"
"You said a few hours," I muttered, desperately holding in my tears.
"I did," he nodded. "A few hours-"
"It's been weeks," I cut him off.
"What?"
"You left me here, alone for weeks."
He stepped forward and pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around his torso. I hid my face in his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I'm so, so sorry."
"I thought you abandoned me."
"I know," his thumb drew circles on my back. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll make this all better. I promise. I'll make it up to you."
I didn't say anything. I just hugged him tighter.
"I'm sorry."
Eleventh Doctor:
Haunted
He will try to take away my pain
And he just might make me smile
But the whole time I'm wishing he was you instead
After the Doctor had regenerated, things were tense. I tried to deny it for as long as possible, but it wasn't truly worth the effort. Amy had only been around for a little while and even she could see it.
I thought I had been hiding it from the Doctor well. I was still doing all of the things that had become normal for us. Well, I thought I had.
"Can we talk about something," the Doctor asked after Amy had gone down one of the hallways.
"Uh, yeah, sure," I nodded, walking over. "What's going on?"
He tensed for a moment, looking at me. "Are we okay?"
"Yeah," I replied immediately. "Yeah."
He raised an eyebrow at me. "Might be new eyes, but I still know when you're lying to me."
I looked away from him.
"It's the face, isn't it," he asked. I closed my eyes. "The new face."
"Stop it-"
"Do you think I don't see it," he cut me off. "You avoid eye contact, you won't hug me, you seem like you're in pain every time I speak-"
"Stop it-"
"If you really can't stand that I changed, then leave-"
"I am trying," I yelled.
There was a pause. The silence was suffocating.
"I am trying," I repeated. "But it is like looking at a ghost. His words are coming out of your mouth. I look at you and expect to see the same man that I ran away with. Every day, I look at you and get reminded that you changed. That every cell in your body was just different. I had a history with the old you. A history and a relationship. You... You're a complete stranger that knows everything about me, and that's hard to deal with. I would give anything to have him back. I know that's not possible, but it's hard to ignore that nagging feeling. I'm trying to accept you... it's just not easy. I'm sorry, but I'm trying."
The Doctor just stared at me for a moment. I closed my eyes again, tilting my head down toward the grated floor of the TARDIS. I heard him walking closer to me. Slowly, like he was waiting for me to move away.
"I have changed my face many times," he said softly. "It has always been normal for me. Sometimes, I forget it's not normal for you. I'm sorry."
I shook my head. He reached out and took my hands. I lifted my gaze to look at him. He forced a soft grin. It was meant to be comforting. I had noticed that about this form of him, a soft grin with sad eyes.
"Every cell of who I was changed," he continued. "But how I felt about you did not. What I experienced with you did not. I'm different, yes, but I still love you."
I nodded. I wanted to say it back. I just couldn't yet. I still had to get used to his new face. To adjust to the change in what was around me.
He leaned his forehead against mine, running his thumbs over my knuckles. It was a quiet promise that he understood and was willing to wait for me.
Which was all I could ask for.
Fearless
'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first, fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance
In a storm in my best dress, fearless
"I hope you realize how bad of an idea this is."
I looked up from the cell's lock to look at the Doctor. He was sitting there in handcuffs in a damn alien prison. I crossed my arms over my chest and tilted my head at him.
"I could always leave you here and escape with Amy and Rory on my own," I offered. "Since this was such a bad idea."
"No, no, no," he stood up, walking closer to the door. "It was a great idea. Amazing even. You deserve an award-"
"Shush," I chuckled, before unlocking the door.
He walked out and held out his arms. "Where'd you find my sonic screwdriver?"
"There were two guards playing with it because they didn't understand what it was," I shrugged as I unlocked the handcuffs. "Getting this was the easiest thing."
"Well, thank you," he replied, grabbing the screwdriver from my hand before starting to walk down the hall.
"Wrong way," I said.
"What?"
"Since you're in the back corner, the guards are going to come from only that direction," I explained before grabbing his hand and dragging him with me. "Come on."
The Doctor seemed a little bit shocked but followed me regardless. The TARDIS had been tucked away in an empty corner. I shoved the Doctor inside and slammed the door behind us.
"When did you-"
"Learned from you," I cut him off. I jogged over to the console and got us out of the prison.
Once we were all just floating in space, I turned back to the Doctor with a small smirk. He was just kind of blinking at me.
"Doctor?"
"You... You put yourself in a lot of danger," he replied. I nodded. "Don't do that again. Not for me. If I get captured like that, you run."
"No," I said simply.
"What?"
"I'm not going to run when I know that I can help you," I shrugged. "When have I ever operated that way? Ever?"
His jaw clenched. I crossed my arms over my chest.
"You're welcome, by the way."
He sighed, looking down for a moment. "Thank you. And I'm sorry."
I nodded.
He walked forward and pulled me into a hug. I hugged him back, taking note of him sighing and relaxing slightly.
"I love you," he mumbled into my ear. "I know I'm protective... overbearing, maybe. But it's because I love you."
"I... I love you too."
"What," he leaned back, holding onto my upper arms. I chuckled at his shock. "Don't laugh at me. Say that again."
"I love you too."
It was the first time I had gotten the words out since he had regenerated. He leaned over and pressed his lips to mine. It felt like the world had fallen into place. I was reminded of why I had decided to travel with him.
I pulled away a few moments later, holding the sides of his face.
"I'd follow you anywhere," I promised. "I always have and always will. I'm so sorry that I've closed you off."
He grinned and leaned his forehead against mine. "It's okay."
I grinned back.
"Say it again," he mumbled. "Please."
"I love you."
His smile grew. "I love you too."
Call It What You Want
All my flowers grew back as thorns
Windows boarded up after the storm
He built a fire just to keep me warm
I smiled as the Doctor kissed my forehead and started running ahead of Clara and me to look at the different booths lining the street.
"So..."
"So...," I copied Clara's tone.
"How did... that happen," she motioned between me and the Doctor. "If you don't mind me asking."
"No, no, not at all," I shook my head. "Well, I met him a few years ago now. I... I was an asshole, really. I was not very nice to him. I was closed off and defensive. But he put up with me. And he wore me down and... we fell for each other."
"That's it?"
"What detail are you looking for," I chuckled. "I'm sorry, but there are some details that you do not need."
"No, no, not like that," she shook her head. "I just... when did you know?"
"Oh... well...," I mumbled. "He knew before I did, really. He kissed me long before I realized what I was feeling."
"What, he just jumped right into it?"
"Jumped is a harsh word, but almost," I laughed. "I had no idea what to call what was happening. I just... let it happen."
"So, he fell head over heels, and you had no idea what was happening?"
"Pretty much."
She laughed. "That's so fitting for both of you."
I elbowed her lightly.
"You two look like you're having fun," the Doctor commented as he walked back over. He kissed the side of my head. "I found something for you."
"Oh?"
He held out a pen to me.
"A pen?"
"A very cool pen," he explained. "Ink changes color at will, the pen tip can change forms, all sorts of things you can do with this pen."
"A very cool pen," I nodded, taking it from him. "Thank you."
He grinned.
Clara was just watching us interact. "You had no idea?"
"Shut up."
"No idea about what?"
"Doesn't matter."
"Yes, it does," Clara argued.
"Find anything else interesting," I asked the Doctor.
He grabbed my hand and nodded, pulling me along the road. I stuck my tongue out at Clara as I followed. She copied me as she caught up.
Name or no name, I was happy with what the Doctor and I had. I always had been and I had a suspicion that I always would be.
Twelfth Doctor:
You Are in Love
And for once you let go
Of your fears and your ghosts
One step, not much
But it said enough
Clara walked out of the TARDIS with a wave.
I was leaning against the console. The Doctor walked back over, going around me to start leaving.
"You seem distracted," he said.
I hummed, snapping out of my thoughts.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," I shrugged. "I'm just thinking."
"Awful idea."
"Shut up," I laughed.
I held out a hand to him. He furrowed his eyebrows. I opened and closed it a few times. He reached out and grabbed my hand, letting me pull him over until he was standing just in front of me. I took his other hand, holding both of his hands in mine.
"I love you," I said softly.
It was the first time I had muttered the words to this version of him. I felt like I needed to find out who he was all over again. But I knew now. I was still in love with him.
"Excuse me," he asked.
"I... I love you."
I was second-guessing myself now. I had fallen for this version, but I didn't question if this version of him had fallen for me.
"Your silence is making me feel a little silly."
"You love me? Even now... with all the wrinkles and the gray hair."
"I thought we established that I didn't care about that," I said. "You're still you, Doctor. That's all there is to it. I love you, Doctor. In whatever form you up in."
He closed his eyes for a moment.
"And you can't force me to change that."
"I love you too," he muttered. I smiled.
"Good," I kissed his cheek. "Now... where are we going next?"
New Year's Day
Don't read the last page
But I stay when you're lost, and I'm scared
And you're turning away
"You could leave."
I looked over at the Doctor. Clara was off on a phone call. It was just the two of us by the TARDIS.
It was just after he had regenerated. After the strangely childish man with sad eyes turned into the man that showed his years and anger on his face.
I furrowed my eyebrows. "I don't want to leave."
"Why not," he asked. "I'm not the man you knew. Look at me."
"You took off a mask," I replied. "You're different, but you're still you."
"You aren't afraid? That I'm too different. That I've changed too much to be the man you knew."
"Of course, I'm afraid," I crossed my arms over my chest. "That doesn't matter to me. Because you... the last version of you wouldn't want me to blindly walk away because I'm scared. He'd want me to stay. And I want to stay."
I reached over and took his hand.
"I'm staying," I continued. "Through the messes and emergencies and adventures. You're stuck with you, madman. Get used to it."
He grinned, chuckling to himself. "I'll need someone to keep me out of trouble."
"Oh no... I follow you into trouble. Until the end."
"Don't say that."
"Fine," I muttered. "Doesn't change that I meant it."
"Thank you."
I just nodded. "You're welcome... madman."
Forever & Always
Was I out of line?
Did I say something way too honest, made you run and hide
Like a scared little boy?
I looked into your eyes
Thought I knew you for a minute, now I'm not so sure
It had clearly been tense.
Clara was supposedly home with Danny. Supposedly was the keyword in that sentence. Missy had told the Doctor that Gallifrey was back where it belonged.
I didn't know where I stood now.
"Clara's home," I said as the Doctor messed with the console. "What about you?"
"I go back to Gallifrey," he replied. "Help them, maybe."
I grinned. "Like your title's sake."
He grinned back at me.
"What about me," I asked. "Where do I go now that your people are back?"
"It hasn't changed how I feel about you."
"That doesn't mean I can go with you," I shrugged. "A human on Gallifrey soil. Doesn't work, Doctor."
"It can," his eyes went wide. Like he was suddenly having an idea. "I know exactly what to do."
"You never know exactly-"
"I have an idea of what to do."
"Better."
"All you need to do is listen to me," he replied. I nodded. He cupped the sides of my face. "This is going to be brilliant."
I let the smile on my face grow. He started running around the TARDIS. He pressed buttons and flipped levers until the TARDIS came to a pretty sudden landing.
"Where are we," I asked.
He motioned toward the door. I furrowed my eyebrows. He just exaggerated the motion.
I chuckled before walking out.
I was confused when my feet hit the sidewalk. I looked down as the door shut behind me. I took a few steps forward, looking around. It just looked like Earth. Why would he make such a big deal out of Earth?
I was about halfway into the road when I heard the TARDIS's engine starting up. I turned around.
"Doctor," I called. It started disappearing in front of me. "No, no, no."
I ran over, but it was already too far gone for me to grab onto it.
"No, no," I repeated. "You said there was a way! You can't just abandon me here!"
He couldn't hear me. I knew that.
"You coward! You said you had a plan!"
I looked down when I felt tears fill my eyes.
Everything I loved was gone. I had no one here waiting for me. I was completely alone. I lost it all in one chain of events.
And it was the Doctor's fault.
Thirteenth Doctor:
invisible string
A string that pulled me
Out of all the wrong arms right into that dive bar
Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire
Chains around my demons
Wool to brave the seasons
One single thread of gold tied me to you
"I feel like I've known you forever."
I was sitting on the TARDIS floor as the Doctor on some part of the engine. It was nice. A nice, slow day for both of us.
"Why's that," she asked, still focused on the engine.
"Don't know," I shrugged. "It just feels like I was drawn to you. Like how you had that feeling when you asked me to travel with you. It's like any of the past mistakes I've made or bad things that have happened don't matter because I was tied to you through all of it."
The Doctor slid away from the engine so she could look at me. I grinned at her.
"Are you suggesting it was destiny," she asked.
"Kinda... I guess," I shrugged. "I only really know one thing. I... I love you, Doctor."
I let out a shocked noise when she leaned over and pressed her lips to mine. I chuckled against her lips before adjusting so the kiss was more comfortable. She pulled away slowly, leaning her forehead on mine.
"I love you too," she muttered.
I smiled even wider.
"I've... I've gotta finish this work, but then, I'll find an amazing place for us to go and celebrate this all."
"Want me to wait here?"
"Want me to teach you some stuff about the TARDIS engine?"
I excitedly nodded before going to sit next to her.
Listening to her ramble on and on about the engine was one of the best times of my life. She was so excited. I tried to understand all of it because this was perfect. Perfect for me.
If this was some kind of fate, then I was perfectly happy with that.
Paper Rings
I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this
Uh huh, that's right
Darling, you're the one I want
I had never craved death more than when I introduced the Doctor to my family. Not because of the Doctor. She did great. However, they were awful.
There was so much that I hadn't wanted the Doctor to know. Old relationships and mistakes that could change she looked at me. I hated the idea that I would suddenly be shunned by the one person that I genuinely gave a shit about.
I had stormed out of the house, going back toward the TARDIS.
I sat down next to the door when I realized that I couldn't get in without a key. I looked up when I heard footsteps.
"I was worried about you," the Doctor said. "Your mom was just very talkative."
I looked down at my lap.
"Stand up," she continued. "Let's head inside."
I nodded and stood up. I followed her into the TARDIS, still wanting to just implode instead of facing the consequences of what happened.
I stood near the door, looking down with my arms crossed over my chest. The Doctor moved around the console, messing with levers and such. After a while, she walked over to me.
"Y'know, I've had my share of weird family experiences," she said. "I've been slapped and yelled at. Accepted or hated. Your family's stories didn't bother me."
I took a deep breath, not speaking.
She leaned down so she fell into my line of sight. "And I don't care how they want me to see you."
I looked up, leading her to stand up straight.
"Because I've seen you and I know you," she continued. "And you are amazing. One of the best things in my life."
I grinned a little. "Really?"
She nodded.
I leaned forward and kissed her gently. She wrapped her arms around me, pulling me closer.
"You're the best thing that's happened to me, Doctor," I muttered as my forehead rested against hers. She smiled at me. "It's like nothing else matters when I'm with you."
She pecked my lips again before stepping away from me completely.
"Where are we going now," I asked, following her to the console.
"Somewhere lovely," she replied. "A lovely place for the both of us."
I nodded. "I like the sound of that."
Run
And run, like you'd run from the law
Darling, let's run
Run from it all
We can go where our eyes can take us
Go where no one else is, run
Meeting the Doctor had been a mistake.
My friends and I had ended up caught in an emergency situation that the Doctor had been trying to stop. It wasn't all that surprising that our paths crossed.
The Doctor was dropping my friends and me off. I was the last to be sent home. I was just getting to my door.
"Hey!"
I stopped and turned back. The Doctor was leaning out the door of her spaceship (I didn't know it was called a TARDIS at the time).
"You know... there's a lot of space in here," she said. "If you wanted, you could join."
"Why me," I asked, tilting my head.
"I don't know, really," she shrugged. "Just have a good feeling."
I chuckled and looked down.
"What do you say?"
"I...," I paused for a moment. "Yes."
"Come on then!"
The Doctor ran inside, making me laugh before running off to follow her. When I closed the door behind me, the Doctor was standing next to the console. I stood completely still, too scared to touch anything.
"So... you've got all of time and space... where do you wanna go?"
I blinked at her a few times as I thought about it. She raised an eyebrow at me.
I took a deep breath before speaking, "Whatever will have the most adventure. Give me an escape from the ordinary."
She smiled a little wider. "As you wish."
----------------------------
Masterlist (Includes links to All Writing Challenges)
I know I've got a bit of a history of being very on-and-off with Doctor Who, and I want to thank you all for being so patient and understanding through the years. Here's the summary to those of you who don't know me well. (More information is under the cut).
As a sort-of thank you to you all, I'm going to start working through my 60 inbox requests. I probably won't even finish half of them, but I'll make sure I give it my best go. I'll be sorting through my asks, and also writing some new fics, based on what you guys want on this short Google Form.
I just looking for a bit of information on what kinds of Doctors you want to see, and what tropes/stories you want.
You don't have to but I appreciate it!
I came to the realisation today that my Tumblr recently hit 4 years old. I've been writing fanfiction for nearly 6 years of my life. It's absolutely crazy to reflect on how much I've changed, and how different everything has grown. I won't rabbit on too much, but it's nice.
Doctor Who was the fandom that started such a massive part of my life, way back in early 2017. There's a handful of people who probably followed me from my Wattpad, with @manicmarsupial being the first, to my memory. I want to thank you all, even if I don't remember your names.
I also think I owe @anne-white-star a mention for being such a supportive figure over these four years. You've been here for everything, so I wanted to thank you especially.
Hello! The last time u posted was a month ago, are u still taking requests??
Hey! Yeah I'm still taking requests, but I might not get around to many of them. I keep planning on coming back to doctor who at some point, I'm just busy with college ://
I tend to write from any prompts or requests that interest me personally, but feel free to send in as many requests as you feel like, I'll probably get around to doing it!
Is anyone who follows this account still even active? I don't know how many of y'all there are but comment/leave an ask, I'm considering writing but mostly because I love you guys and if you'd like to see me writing again I'd happily do so :)
An: This is a story I started a full year ago. Today I finally decided to finish it. I want to start writing more for you all, so I started with just finishing up this old gem. This can also be read as the 11th Doctor, as there aren't a lot of specifics about his appearance. I hope you all enjoy it! Gif isn't mine :)
Summary: You and the Doctor find yourselves on a beautiful planet. This moment of tranquillity results in you wanting a bit of rest. This domestic break leaves the two of you room to question your relationship and your ever-growing romantic attachment to the other.
Word Count: 3011
Warnings: Angst with Comfort, Happy-ish Ending, Longing and Denial, Psychic Touch, You're also very Comfortable With Touch
Song I based this off: Infinitely Ordinary by The Wrecks
But then there was that sea: The brilliant blue of the ocean reminded you of home, even when it was billions of miles away. All of those silly beach days, with ice cream, sandcastles and seagulls, with all those funny little human traditions. You felt a nostalgic pull to the sea.
“Look at that sky,” The Doctor hushed, lacing his fingers with yours whilst looking over the rocks at the sea-side view. It seemed no matter where in the universe you happen to find yourself, the seaside is the seaside.
The vibrant warmth of the sun burnt into the rocks below. The glow imbued the clouds with a rich, warm blaze that seemed to unfurl across the vast horizon.
It looked like a sky on fire, just like Galifrey all those years ago. He would be the first to admit that it still hurt him to see something so painfully familiar, but he had you there to remind him that it was indeed different.
The patient rage of the sky seemed almost entirely separate from the gloomy blue waves, as though the two were in two very different worlds. However, every so often, the light caught at just the right angle, and the two blended seamlessly. It was beautiful.
The both of you had mutually decided it was a sight worth seeing from the moment you stepped out of the TARDIS, no matter what accompanied it. But fortunately for you, the planet was completely uninhabited and had been for hundreds of years.
"You know, Doctor," You beamed, leaning your head on his shoulder, "Times like these are so… rare."
The waves ceaselessly lapped on the beach, and never had the Doctor been more comfortable than in this one moment of innocent bliss. Your hand was still in his. He wasn't sure he would've stayed there if not for the way your eyes lit up at the blazing sunset. Nothing could ever compare to those eyes.
He proceeded to set his chin atop your head, "What'd you mean by that?"
"Peace and quiet. With you, I mean," You gestured around with your free hand, “No threats, no nothing. Just us.”
What was said as a passing comment, really managed to hook the Doctor's attention. The ocean's lull was the last thing in his mind as he realised that you were right.
"I'm half expecting a Sontaran to drop out of the sky. It'll fall right into the ocean in front of us, knowing our luck,"
He couldn't remember the last time he stopped to smell the flowers, so to speak, especially not since you were his companion. Ever since you had set foot on the TARDIS, all those months ago, the Doctor had done nothing but speed around the universe, showing you everything he could think of.
Different species, different worlds, space stations, your distant past and future; nothing fazed his latest addition to a long history of friends.
Because of that, he had also been doing his best to be as honest as possible with you. He had learnt whilst travelling with Martha that he can't hide from everything. He didn’t want you to think he didn’t trust you, especially since you were upfront about yourself.
The Doctor lifted his head to look at you in delighted silence. Instead of paying any attention whatsoever to what you were saying, all he saw were the little tufts of your hair that were refusing to settle. Now, of course, hair doesn't exactly hold place when you're at sea, but even the wisps of hair looked so, so soft.
Without thinking, he had already reached out and had begun to gently run his fingers through a section of your hair.
"You know what," The Doctor declared, barely above a whisper, "For once, I'm glad nothing is chasing us."
At that moment, you pulled away from the Doctor, "C'mon, I want to go to the water."
The Doctor chased after you for once as you trailed your way down the rough rocks, down to the waterfront. You were both giggling, gasping and smiling giddily at one another.
Grinning, the Doctor sat on the sand, inviting you to join him. The waves were lapping at the beach a couple of metres in front of the both of you.
It was windy, but you two didn't mind. It was nice to be happy together for once. The Doctor noticed you pulling your sleeves over your hands, and realised you were cold. After all, he was cold too.
Or at least, that's what he told himself when he shuffled closer to you and draped an arm around your shoulder.
He felt so vulnerable and uncertain, but oh so alive.
Maybe it wasn't so bad, just relaxing for a moment. These enchanting little moments made Doctor feel human.
For a moment, he felt like what he was feeling had no repercussions. The Doctor could sit here, hold you close and everything would be okay. He didn’t have to worry about losing you any second or have to make sacrifices to keep you alive. He didn’t have to think about how this would all end one day, and he’d be left a shell of himself.
Everything was so perfect, like a scene out of a movie. He didn't have anything but you to think about. No mistakes, no regrets, no hard decisions. No saving the universe or worrying over your health. You gave him a moment of sanctity to remember you in: it was brilliantly human.
Great heavens, how he loved you. He just knew he couldn’t call it that.
-
"Doctor," You started, collapsing onto the cool grating of the Console room, "I think I want to stay home,"
The Doctor knew that you didn't like running around, but not enough to put you off travelling with him. If he had known, he would’ve worked around it. He didn't want to see his favourite person leave just because they couldn't keep up. However, the last thing he wanted to do was force you to stay. You made your decision, and he was going to respect it.
He was utterly crushed, feeling his hearts sink as he stood around the consoles, Keeping his head down, the Doctor nodded weakly, "Yeah,"
You had clearly noticed his response wasn't what you expected. You were expecting a fit or an annoyed sigh. At least, until you realized what you said.
"Wait, no, I meant- I meant can we stay in the TARDIS," You corrected.
The Doctor then stopped in his tracks, hands still hovering over console controls. He could’ve sworn his hearts stopped. He broke out in a small giggle, managing to chirp out a quiet, "You called the TARDIS home."
You shushed him, burying your face in your hands, "Can we please just stay in for a bit. It's been months since either of us has had a proper break, and after that nightmare…"
The Doctor smiled affectionately, pulling his hand away from the console, "Well, since you asked, I suppose I can make an exception for my lovely companion."
"Thank you," You responded, voice soft, suddenly hit with a wave of tiredness. You yawned, and the Doctor did so too.
"Infecting me with your tiredness, I see. Maybe you should start this break with a nap. In your bed." The Doctor spoke, more at you than to you, "There are tons of pillows. Nice and cosy."
You hum, pulling yourself off the floor, "I think I will."
"Nighty night," The Doctor waggled his fingers in a short goodbye.
"Goodnight, love,"
But as you sluggishly walked away, the Doctor was back to thinking a mile a minute. He swore he heard you… no. You couldn't have. But you did. Oh boy, he’d have to be careful around you, You already had him wrapped around your finger.
"You're not burning anything are you?" You mumble, heaving yourself into the kitchen, only having woken up because you heard a pan drop in the kitchen.
"Oh! Good Morning," The Doctor beamed. Leaning back against the counter, he was sipping from a mug, "For your information, I didn't burn anything, thank you very much,"
"Well, it smelt like half the TARDIS was on fire, felt like I should come to your rescue. Make sure you're still alive," You hummed, walking around the breakfast bar and next to the Doctor. From the corner of his eye, he noticed you glance up at him.
The Doctor sighed, "Mh, alright, sure. Also, don't drink the coffee." The Doctor sipped again, "It's not coffee. Well, it is, sort of, but it's horrible for humans."
"How else am I supposed to get caffeinated?" You sigh sarcastically, already filling the kettle.
"Guess you'll have to find some other way," The Doctor mimicked your tone playfully, sighing, moving out of your way.
-
After the kettle started boiling, you turned your attention back to the Doctor, "How long was I asleep?"
"A while," The Doctor hummed into his mug.
”Ah the benefits of a time machine,” You smiled to yourself, before addressing the Doctor, "And um, did you get any sleep yourself?"
"No." The Doctor confessed, staring holes into the bottom of his mug.
"Nightmares?" You murmured delicately. The Doctor nodded. You exhaled softly, “I don’t think I can say anything to help, but I can offer you a hug in this trying time.”
The Doctor rolled his eyes, before setting his mug down to accept that hug. You wrapped your arms around his waist, holding him close to you. You felt his breath on your neck as the two of you stood there. You were eventually broken apart by the kettle popping behind you.
Turning around, you begin to make your favourite hot drink whilst speaking, “Well, is there anything you’d like to do today? Other than running around, because my feet are killing me.”
The Doctor smiled at you, nodding as he picked his cup back up. "We could watch some movies? I’m sure the TARDIS has a good selection. We could have a real good Movie Night. Not that… 'night' has any meaning in a time machine. Or in general."
"A movie day? Movie… movie session?" you chimed in.
"I don't suppose it matters too much, as long we’re doing something,”
"Why are you following me?" You called out behind you, walking through the corridors of the TARDIS, “You’re following me like a lost puppy. You’ve even got the eyes for it.”
"The TARDIS wouldn’t let me read in peace, and I’m so bored.” The Doctor retorted, before scoffing, “And what, are you saying I have cute eyes?”
”Would it be a problem if I was?” You countered, pacing yourself so that the Doctor could catch up.
”Well, no, I just,” The doctor stammered, “I’m more interested in what you’re doing.”
”I’m just wandering around,” You confess, “It’s interesting. There are lots of places in the TARDIS that I’ve never seen. Besides, you’re the one who wanted to get some reading in first.”
”I know…” The Doctor sighed, “Can we go and watch that movie now, please?
”Yeah we can,” Smiling, you followed the Doctor whilst discussing movie genres.
“So, you’re sure you want to watch a documentary?” You scoffed, “You?”
Offended, the Doctor peeked his head over his shoulder, ”What’s wrong with that!”
”I just don’t want you to get offended at someone mistelling a story.” You snicker to yourself, sitting down on the loveseat and getting comfortable. The Doctor rolled his eyes and proceeded to sort out the movie. Eventually, he picked out a documentary about Egypt from the year 2132.
As the Doctor settled down next to you, he put his arm around your shoulders.
“I’m going to be honest,” The Doctor spoke over the documentary, which had just started discussing different artefacts, “I’d probably hate this if it weren’t for you being here.”
”What, hate taking a rest?”
”Yeah.” The Doctor avoided your eyes, “I hate staying still. It gives me time to think. But, with you here, it’s actually kind of nice.”
In the dark room, only illuminated in a gentle yellow glow, you practically made heart eyes at your companion. You hadn’t had the time to consider his appearance much, but now that he was looking right into your eyes, an arm wrapped over you whilst watching a movie, you could feel your heart racing. You just hoped the Doctor couldn’t.
”I mean, I love just spending time with you, no matter what,” You confessed. You tore your eyes from the Doctor, trying to watch the movie. As soon as you looked back to the screen, his free hand made its way to yours.
His rough fingers brushed over the back of your hand gently, but as he did that you felt a wave of emotion that wasn’t yours. You weren’t sure how you could tell they weren’t yours, but you could.
You felt relaxed and comfortable, that much was obvious to you.
But there was something else, you could only draw it up to confusion, and dread. You could feel an almost overpowering airy feeling, potentially admiration, but you could feel the unshakable, dark panic that hid beneath.
That empty feeling ate away at everything else. It tainted every other feeling, completely unrelenting.
In the midst of these feelings, you laced your hand with the Doctors, and the feelings intensified. You felt the light and the dark tear at each other, the two feelings tangling and tearing at each other.
You were trying so desperately to understand these feelings, what they were about, but as soon as you realised they were The Doctor’s feelings, his hand pulled away, and his arm left your shoulder.
“I’m sorry, um,” The Doctor stuttered out, “It’s a sort of psychic communication. It was a common thing for Time Lords, I didn’t mean to do it, I didn’t even realise. I’m sorry if that was invasive.”
”So wait, that’s how you’re feeling?” You ask, looking over to the Doctor for confirmation, who swallowed nervously. When he nods, you consider for a moment, before speaking, “Doctor, why are you so afraid?”
”I, um…” The Doctors head fell forwards, “I… I think I um, I think I’m in love with you.” He lamented, “The thought terrifies me. I’m sorry if that ruins things,”
”Oh,” You sat, completely astonished, “It doesn’t ruin things, I think- well, I know I’ve been in love with you for a while.”
The Doctor ran his hands through his hair, “I think I’m scared to love you… scared to say it. I know one day you’ll leave. I know it. You could die, any day now. I won’t get to spend the rest of my life with you, but you’ll spend the rest of your life with me. It’s not fair.”
The Doctor once again looked over his shoulder, but this time his eyes were puffy and red. Without words, you cupped his cheek in your hand and pressed your forehead against yours. His breath was hot and unsteady against your face. He lifted his head, and looked you in the eyes for a moment, before leaning his face towards yours. Your lips touched, and the Doctors arms wrapped around you, both balling up your clothes in a desperate attempt to hold onto that moment. Your movements were frantic, both relieved to finally be kissing the other, but longing to make things last.
You had no words. He was right. You wanted to tell him you would be okay, but you knew you had a limited life. You wanted to spend your life with him, to make the most of what you had, but you didn’t think that was really your decision to make. You weren’t the one that would still be alive after it’s all over.
You snaked your arm over his shoulders and pressed a sorrow-filled kiss against his temple.
”I just, I can’t lose you.” The Doctor’s teary eyes met with yours, “You make me feel so alive, so happy.”
”I’m sorry things are like this.” You breathed, “Whatever we are, is completely up to you.”
”That’s the thing,” He let out a quiet sob, his voice trembling, “I’ve acknowledged it now. I know you love me back, I want to kiss you enough as it is… every time you make your stupid jokes, whenever you look at me with that lovelorn look, you look in my eyes like I’m incapable of loving you back. Knowing that you’d want that too?” The Doctor’s face twisted into a solemn state, ”I just, I can’t help but imagine how things would be if we were different.”
Tears were now streaming down your cheeks, watching the man you love torn apart by this.
When you finally parted, you were the first person to talk, ”I’ve wanted to do that for so long.”
”Me too,” The Doctor laughed weakly through the tears. You held his face gently, caressing his cheeks with your thumbs, wiping away the tears, ”Can… can we do that more often?”
You smiled sadly, “Of course we can, love.”
”Who knows, maybe we can find a way to make this work long-term.” The Doctor’s voice cracked and rasped as he spoke, “I suppose we can see.”
”I’ll do anything I can to make sure this lasts as long as possible,” You press a kiss to the tip of his nose, “So, you’re happy to be with me?”
”So so happy,” He laughed, tear-stained cheeks forming an odd toothy smile.
You pressed another kiss against his head as you shifted over, patting your lap, “Do you want to put your head down for a bit?”
He nodded. You watched him set his head on your thighs, arms wrapping around your leg and sighing as you started to run your fingers through his hair. You both started watching the documentary again, now discussing theories about the Pyramids.
The Doctor’s breathing returned to normal, and his voice, whilst still hoarse, was calm and relaxed as he whispered to you, “I think I could get used to this.”
how to deal with trauma, according to the nuwho doctors:
9: Find a person you can trust and open up to, and let them be both your guide and motivation to better yourself.
10: Do that thing where you constantly drop hints that you're in pain but then when someone asks, you dismiss them immediately. Yell a lot.
11: Also yell a lot but instead of telling anyone about your inner struggles, ignore them and make everyone laugh so you can feed of the positive energy around you. Nevermind that that usually doesn't work.
12: just fucking... play the guitar and yell 'dude' like it's your last day on earth.
a/n: part two! it's been quite a bit. to be really honest school has been beating me up in the creativity department, so since it's died down a little bit i had some time to write and now we have the second part of this series! i hope you all enjoy it <3
[part zero] [part one] [part two: you are here.]
Look after me, alright? Be back soon.
Look after me, alright? Be back soon.
Look after me, alright? Be back -
The transmission pauses. The Doctor's youthful face flickers at you as a translucent image of him stands beside the TARDIS console. His smile - and damn him, of course he's smiling - is wide and bright, his posture open and calm. It’s difficult to not smile back - there’s something about the expression on his face that soothes you, somewhat. You remember watching this message for the first time, completely alone in the TARDIS, tears streaming down your face, and still trying to form a smile over wobbling lips, as if he could see you. As if he could reach out and reassure you that everything would be alright.
The TARDIS hums.
“I’m okay,” you lie. “I just needed to -”
To what? Hear him again? See him again? You already do that. John walks through your front door every evening with the same kind of smile on his face and the same kind eyes. He says hello the same way and laughs the same way and lounges on chairs the same way (relaxed, with one leg crossed over the other, like he’s sitting on a throne). You blink tiredly at his hologram.
John Smith is everything like the Doctor and somehow nothing like him.
The TARDIS warbles and a screen jumps to life - John’s walking through the door, arms full of paper bags. He nudges the door closed with his foot, grinning at nothing in particular. “Anyone home?” he calls out, “Could use some help with these - oof -”
You pat the TARDIS console affectionately. The TARDIS gives another, higher pitched hum, that almost rattles the floor underneath you. “Gotta go, old girl.”
The TARDIS doors lock behind you when you leave. It’s strange, really - the blue police box looks massive tucked into the corner of your room. The ship could have gone and hid anywhere else - on a deserted street, in a dark alleyway, and yet it chooses to stay in your humble abode amongst unfolded clothes and discarded water bottles.
“Hello?” John’s voice rings from outside your door. “Y’know, it would be such a shame if I ate all of these crisps by myself - and they happen to be a certain special someone’s favorite flavor - and also the last bag in the shop -”
Deep breaths. You run a hand through your hair, fix your cardigan, and rub your eyes with your palms. He won’t notice, right?
You step out (making sure not to open the door too wide behind you), giving John the smallest of “hi”s in response. “I heard something about crisps?”
John’s big grin drops for half a second, and your heart drops to the bottom of your chest. It’s only half a second before the grin comes back, as bright as ever.
“Okay, so you’re not deaf. I was worried there for a bit.” He picks up the bag of crisps and shakes it. They are your favorite flavor. The kind you’d sneak onto the TARDIS and stash in your room every time you made a stop in 21st century Earth. “I thought you’d like some.”
“Oh, thanks - !”
You can barely get the words out before you’re engulfed in his arms - he’s grabbed you by the shoulders and pulled you flush against him, wrapping his arms around you and squeezing so tightly that you squeak involuntarily at the motion. It’s so unexpected and yet expected all at the same time because it’s so him, isn’t it, to wrap you up in a hug at the drop of a hat.
John’s arms are still firmly on your shoulders when he pulls away, and when he looks into your eyes you forget for a moment that he’s supposed to be human. Pretty emerald eyes bore into yours, searching. “Are you okay?” he asks.
“Yeah,” you lie (again, too easily), “why do you ask?”
“Well, I -” John sighs and lets go of one of your shoulders to rub the back of your neck. His next words are hushed and carefully spoken, like stepping over pieces of jagged, broken glass. “You’ve been so - quiet recently. And you always look so - “ He pauses, considers his next word, and then frowns as he says it - “sad all the time. I thought I’d, you know, try to cheer you up a bit.”
“I don’t look sad,” you say, trying your best to grin, “if anything I’m tired from sitting in front of a laptop all day. I’m fine.”
It doesn’t really work, since his already-present frown just grows deeper. “No, no, no, exactly like that,” John replies, his gaze still as intense as before. “I ask if you’re okay and you say it’s nothing but it’s never nothing. Not to me.”
John swallows. “You’re my best friend. I’m doing this ‘cos I care about you.”
In the dim light of your kitchen, his face lit by one weak light bulb, long coat draped over his shoulders, his form changes. The shadows that crease his face shift and distort, and suddenly he's the Doctor, holding you by the shoulders and telling you in the middle of a battlefield while bullets rain above you, "You're important, and I care."
They're the same man. They're the same man, and goddamnit, he's so warm and if he cares then so do you -
John startles and grips onto your shoulders tighter. "Hey, you're trembling."
"N-no, I'm not," you mutter. But your body betrays you - every part of you feels like it's vibrating. Your fingers find no purchase in the fabric of John's coat (it's not tweed, but wool, and not the right color too) as he gently guides you down to the couch.
"I can feel it," John says, his lips parted slightly in surprise. He is so pretty worried - the look in his eyes, the crease of his brow as he examines you. You want to stop looking at him. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Stop that," he replies, short and stern. "I meant what I said, you know. You don't have to talk about it if you want to, but you shouldn't lie to me if you're feeling bad. Or yourself. I wanna help."
How would you help, John? you think. You dig one hand into the pocket of your cardigan and clasp your hand around the fob watch, his memories, him. What could I say that would even make sense to you? What could I say that wouldn't shatter your entire existence?
"Bad day," you whisper. "Just - talk to me?"
John peers into your eyes for another moment. For that simple, fleeting moment there is nothing else.
"Okay," he says finally, just barely a whisper. "C'mere."
He settles onto the couch next to you, his lithe figure almost disappearing into the pillows, and outstretches his arms. You blink at him once, twice.
"What are you doing?"
"Helping," John says simply, grinning at you. "Now, get over here."
You blink at him a third time. "Why?"
"Because I know you like hugs?"
You bite back a sigh of frustration. You do like hugs.
Without another word, you shuffle up next to him. He wraps his arms around you, one at a time, and rests his chin on the top of your head. You're in his arms, and you're terrified, but it isn't the contact that scares you. It's that warmth of his that you love (loathe) so much. It creeps onto your skin, seeps inside, and burns you from within.
"Talk. Yes, I can do that, and incredibly well, actually," John begins, one of his hands finding a place on the small of your back. "It's how I got my job - and speaking of job, I've made a new friend at the school."
That stokes the flames in you higher. It shouldn't. "Yeah? What's her name?"
"Lilly," he replies, and the way it rolls off his tongue makes your blood boil. "She's the new high school English teacher. We've been paired up as the emcees for the bequeathal ceremony - I guess they couldn't get enough of my unending charm, eh? Eh?"
"Tell me about her."
"Well, she's quite nice - really cheerful, really bright, amazing with the youngins. Kind of shocked me that she was in the high school department, really, since she seems to love the children more. But she's got a wonderful voice! Really catches your attention. I suppose that's why..."
You take a deep breath in - the cool night air that fills your lungs does nothing to douse the fire. You don't know if he can feel your skin blazing. Images flash in your mind - a formless figure standing next to him, laughing with him, holding him - there isn't anything wrong with him having friends, he's had many before her, and yet -
And yet -
"You're shaking again," John says. He looks down at you with that same look of concern, the same one you can never lie to. "Still okay?"
"Yeah," you say, another lie spilling from your lips. You lie there, safe in his arms, and unbeknownst to him you're burning alive.
Bit dramatic, yes, but you know me - I love a bit of flair. Always the theatrics with me. If you're watching this video, I'm not the Doctor anymore.
A few hours before this recording, I received an emergency transmission to the TARDIS. Funny part is, the transmission was also from the TARDIS. It's not impossible. There was no message that came with it, just a simple distress call, until -
This. This, in my own handwriting - "I can't lose them. Please help me."
I don't send myself messages for help unless I'm really, properly in trouble. I traced the source of my transmission - your time - and I've gone back a bit. Just enough time for me to figure out what's going on, and why I sent myself a message in the first place. For these few weeks, my life is in your hands.
I'm going to be human. Ha! Second time's a charm, I suppose. Don't worry - I've already written myself a backstory, so we won't start as total strangers, but...
This will be difficult. I can't promise you that you'll be safe. But I need you to trust me as I trust you.
summary: you think a little too hard about your relationship with the doctor. he's not as oblivious as you think he is.
word count: 1,253 words
content warning: none! teensy bit of angst (that's not even really angst), but mostly fluff. mushy mostly nonexistent plot, self-indulgent. no gendered pronouns, no y/n! happy reading <3
other notes: it's been a long time since i've watched doctor who, and over my spring break, i recently found myself watching doctor who on hbo and i couldn't resist! i hope u enjoy!
The thrill of travelling with the Doctor was nothing compared to the unbelievable kindness he showed you. He could make your tummy flutter and your cheeks rosy with the brush of a hand or a thoughtful glance in your direction. Your pulse would quicken uncontrollably when he pressed a kiss to your forehead when he’s made a breakthrough, or with the tug of your hand, pulling you toward all sorts of magnificent sights.
And despite his years of experience, he surely was oblivious to your affections, or, at least, he didn’t dare entertain them. Occasionally, he had his smarter moments:
“Oi, you!” He’d point accusingly, “Stop that!”
Your cheeks would flush, sure he had caught you red-handed.
“Stop what?”
“Living inside your head, of course,” The Doctor would say, waggling his index finger as he descended into incoherent grumbles about how “you, humans, are never appreciating what’s in front of you.” That’s where the Doctor was terribly, terribly wrong.
You were.
In fact, you could hardly think straight, hearing him spitfire nonsense a mile a minute as he flailed his limbs all about the Tardis, or wherever in space or time you had been then. He was expressive, nonsensical at times, but smart. And so pretty. So very pretty.
Fluffy brown hair, sticking up in all sorts of directions. His goofy smile, his bowtie. And when you could catch his glance? Your gaze would be held captive by his green eyes, which twinkled kindly. His gaze, though vaguely sad, was compassionate and lovely. Even so, you still longed for him to melt into you, unload his troubles.
Sometimes it hurt you to think about how much of himself he kept from you. There was so much of himself that he hadn’t shared, tucked away inside. It especially hurt when you gave so much of yourself to him. But before you could contemplate any further, there was a gentle rap on your door.
The Doctor. Who else could it be?
You threw your head back on the headboard. You always loved seeing the Doctor, and being in his company. But you couldn’t reciprocate his energy—not through any fault of the Doctor’s, of course. The tail end of what was at first a sweet reverie manifested into something that hurt you much more than you’d care to admit.
You shut your book, not that you had been reading it anyway. Honestly, it had been a cheap excuse to get away from him when you had gotten too into your head about him. You placed it beside you as you sat up in your bed, pulling a pillow to your chest, hoping it’d fill the Doctor-shaped hole in your heart.
You mustered a cheery voice, as much as you could manage, “It’s open!”
Your voice faltered.
The Doctor didn’t seem to notice, or at least, he didn’t let on if he had.
“Thought so,” He said softly as he pushed the door open. He peeked through and saw you were awake before deciding on throwing the door open entirely, slamming on the wall behind it. He was smiley, as always. His smile was lopsided and toothrottingly sweet. You held on even tighter to your pillow.
At the same time though, you observed his tie was undone. He probably expected you to see to it:
“You’ve been managing just fine on your own,” You would tell him.
He’d almost pout, whining, “But you do it better!”
Before you could say anything, he continued, “Now that you’ve got your reading in”—he picks up the book you’ve discarded on your bed and squints—“blimey, I didn’t like this one. Too—”
You didn’t have the guts to tell him you’d picked it at random.
“Doctor,” you interrupted sternly.
“Ah, never mind that,” He tossed the book across the room, as if it were nothing. You were too caught up in your Doctor to look to where it landed. He looked at you expectantly, “Where to! Where To! Preferably, somewhere amazing. I was thinking of this terribly beautiful place, all sorts of greenery and such: 51st century—”
“Doctor, if you don’t mind—” You were on the brink of entertaining the thought of suffocating him with that pillow you were holding. Even then, he was too cute with his somewhat deranged mannerisms. You couldn’t help but watch.
“Or!” He mentioned some other location that was foreign to your tongue (something or other, some long-winded name like Raxacoricofallapatorius)—you couldn’t even begin to guess where. “Of course that might require a wardrobe change…”
“Doctor!” Finally, you caught his attention.
“Oh, yes, of course, sorry!” The Doctor said quickly. He sat beside you, his appearance dishevelled, looking at you expectantly. “Now, go on! Have you thought up somewhere better?”
“Not exactly,” You admitted, finally loosening your death grip on your pillow. “You know, uh,”—you rubbed your neck as you tried to avoid meeting his eyes—“I’m not feeling well?”
His demeanour changed instantaneously, his face softened. He didn’t demand to know why you hadn’t told him sooner, or shove his sonic screwdriver in your face, like you might’ve expected. Instead, with his smile soft, but still silly, he offered quietly, “That book is headache-inducing.”
“It’s not the book, Doctor.”
“Right,” He inhaled deeply, almost… frustrated? Still, he maintained his sweet demeanour, and he stared. Stared the way you did, stuck in his own head. He probably would've stayed, stuck, if it hadn’t been for you, beckoning him closer.
“C’mere.”
The Doctor’s eyes lit up, twinkling, woken up from his daze.
“Hm?”
“Your bowtie.” You gestured to the tie, resting on either side of his shoulder.
He looked down.
“Oh, yes,” He scrambled toward you, settling on a criss-cross position in front of you, placing the bow in your hand.
There in that moment between the both of you, time slows, and you took a shaky breath as you fiddled with his bowtie. Every moment is languid, sweet, but thick with tension.
You dust off his shoulder, after you tugged his bowtie in place. “There.”
You meet his eyes, at this point, you couldn’t resist. His eyes moved from where your hand brushed his shoulder to meet your gaze. They’re indecipherable, cloudy—oh how you wished you could read them. Before you could even think to stop yourself, your fingers grazed his strong cheekbone, thumbing his impossibly soft skin.
The Doctor sputtered your name, breathless: a warning, yet laden with traces of desperation. The mixed signal caused your brain to short circuit. You were dumbfounded. He could have easily brushed you off, moved if he wanted to. You’ve seen him talk himself out of too many situations: uncomfortable, dangerous, or otherwise. Shifting your unspoken boundaries potentially forever, like drifting plates, was no exception.
He was pliant, putty in your hands. This isn’t how it was between you. The Doctor took the lead, you followed.
There were inches between you.
Your eyes drifted from his fond gaze, to his soft lips, looking for any sign of uncertainty. His eyes were fixed on you. Sure. With the hand that still cradled his face, you pulled him closer, and pressed your lips against his pillowy, sweet lips.
He melted into your touch in the sweet seconds you were pressed against each other. Any sort of uncertainty about where you stood washed away. You were both sure. When you finally pulled away, his jaw was slack, unable to speak. But before he could say anything, you pressed yourself against his chest in a hug, and mumbled against his shoulder, “Much better.”
Hi!!! Of course I remember you!! You've written some of my fave comfort fics!! It's good to see you back, even if it's only for a moment 💜
HI!?! I'm honestly happy to hear I could do that! I feel like I'll be around for at least a little bit longer, and if I do write I'll be sure to include some extra fluff for you dear friend :)
To Survive this Pain, Part 1 - 11th Doctor x Reader
A/n: I'm not dead, I promise! I've just been struggling to finish off fics. If this seems slightly rushed it's because I just needed to finish something. It's exam season (it's extra-long now due to a certain virus), but they're over in a few weeks. I've been trying to stretch into writing for different Doctors, and in my new formats, but good old Eleven is easiest to write.
Inbox is still open :)
Word Count: 2596
Summary: After the "death" of Amy and Rory, the Doctor is devastated. After deciding to isolate himself on a cloud, he leaves you with the Paternoster Gang till Strax informs you the Doctor wants to see you.
Warnings: Angst, Cold Doctor, Doctor is slightly ooc due to guilt,
mild self-inflicted Injury, Bouts of Rage.
I should try to post part two as soon as possible.
This is my first ever Full Story (GIF isn't mine).
Your shoes splashed through puddles on the cobblestone road, on your way down to the park of which you knew he would be.
You hadn't heard from him in a short while now, but Jenny and Vastra frequently advising you to pay him a visit had been getting to you. That's why, when Strax brought you the news that the Doctor wanted to see you, you leapt at the opportunity.
You were worried, you'll admit. It was clear as day that losing Amy and Rory had him tearing himself to pieces. It was only a matter of time before he sent you off, too. Before he abandoned you.
Weaving around the quiet Victorian streets, the sun still yet to grace the sky, you had arrived at the park. Looking around the odd trees that decorated the perimeter, you picked out the tree that you knew had the elusive ladder directly above it. You stepped over the beds of wilting flowers that lined the pathways into the overgrown grass.
After completing the feat of reaching the ladders, consisting of either jumping or using your umbrella handle, you had successfully pulled the ladder down far enough to climb onto.
Making your way up the ice-cold rungs, you take a moment to consider why the Doctor called for you in the first place.
It made little sense to you. After all, the Doctor had been avoiding you for the better part of two months now; what had changed?
The Doctor planning on taking you home became all the more likely in your mind as you began to climb the spiral staircase, shivering as the late-autumn air nipped at your skin. Winter was slowly breaking through the remaining life.
If you weren't so hung up on adjusting to the less-than-ideal state of Victorian England, you would've had more time to worry about the Doctor. However, he was so hung up with his own issues, and you with yours, that he only crossed your mind when you were settling down for the night.
Of course, it hurt that you too. Never seeing Amy and Rory again. You did your best to hold onto the fact that they lived a happy life together.
A life that you knew could never have. You wish you could say goodbye to them, but you chose to carry the loss with you.
You were exhausted, it was safe to say. Spending your days helping out the Paternoster Gang with new cases that come in was certainly frustrating, especially when you had to avoid so much. Milk, green dyes, dodgy stairs, aliens and gas leaks. Nothing was safe in Victorian times.
Not that you didn't enjoy the company, mind you. Jenny always provided conversation, and paired with Vastra, there were plenty of investigations to be had. You just missed them all, sometimes.
The Doctor had become such a vital figure in your life that it didn't seem right for him to not be there. When you had both lost Donna, you were there for each other, and even then, he was a wreck. You had spent those first two months together, and you had never felt closer to someone before. At first, you couldn't admit it to yourself, but after six years, you knew that was when you started falling for him.
There was so much you didn't understand about him, yet so much he had begun to explain. You had seen and done so much together, places that surprised and scared the both of you. In distant worlds and ancient times, there lay so many memories that you had forgotten. Just another thing consumed by time.
A simple flip through your diaries would confirm that through all that, you admired him: mattering not which of his faces. You had accepted from the start that he was an unobtainable desire, no matter how you looked at it.
He was old, alien and a danger-magnet. Many considered the Doctor to be a God.
It upset you to know that the Doctor could never love you, not in the way you love him. Not in the way that he had shown you what love could be, what it should be. But that was what you had to expect from the Doctor.
You assumed that consistently losing those he loved must hurt immensely. You also imagine losing someone he could spend the rest of his lives with would leave another unfixable hole in his heart.
So it made sense to you that the Doctor would never willingly fall for a human. Your short life-spans and weak bodies meant that so much as a single bullet could rob you of your life.
The thought of what a state he must've been in at that very moment was disturbing, to say the least. You had seen the Doctor angry before, and it was not an easy sight.
His heart held so much pain, so much guilt.
After what felt like a good three minutes, you stepped off the staircase. Your shoes now emerged in a cloud, which could somehow keep you from plummeting into the streets below. You felt surprisingly light, almost like you were standing in a pit of feathers, yet some odd force kept you from losing your balance. Plucking your key out of your pocket, you press your hand against the door of the TARDIS. You unlock the door, pulling the key from the lock and stepping into the Console room.
You called out for him. After listening for a moment, you concluded that the Doctor must've been elsewhere.
The TARDIS was a glum sight. Most of the orange lights were dimmed: if functioning at all. A few even had fist-holes in them. There were what looked like hundreds of books cluttering the console, all of varying topics: The Time War, Time Lord Psychology, the History of the Universe, Earth History, Greatest War Losses. Some had bookmarks; others he had clearly tabbed.
Paper littered the glass flooring, each scribbled in several handwritings. They all clearly varied in ages and sizes, some a muddy brown, others a vivid white. Quite a lot were in small clusters of pages, as though they were ripped from a book. You picked up one of the sheets to inspect closer, and your heart nearly broke.
Each page had a sort of date in the corner, which you quickly realised must've been an approximation of the Doctor's age at the time. They were diary entries, ripped out and thrown in what you assumed to be a fit of rage.
The Doctors' tweed jacket had slipped off the console and onto the floor. The contents of his pockets spilt out onto the floor.
You leant to pick it up, grimacing at just how much he was carrying around. Throwing the jacket over the railing, you avoided stepping on any more pieces of paper.
"Tidy some of this, will you?" You addressed the TARDIS, a hand on the edge of the controls, "I'll go talk to him, where is he?" The TARDIS clicked and hummed in response, showing you a blueprint on the monitor, "The Library? Okay then."
Darting out of the Console Room, you attempt to discover the library as soon as possible. You vaguely remembered the three places the library is most likely to crop up. You went from there. Fortunately for you, you didn't have to go far before the library appeared.
You had always felt as though the library was too empty. Four stories of shelves filled with books, all visible from the ground floor, the rows of shelves created a sort of maze of titles and colours. The Doctor must've owned every single book in the galaxy, judging by the sheer size. Not to mention the several dozen or so empty seats. The library could easily hold thousands of people at once, yet there is rarely ever so much as a whisper.
You had a fair clue as to why the Doctor would be hiding away in there.
There the Doctor was, turned away from the door, in an intricately decorated armchair. You could just about make out the top of his head. You loomed behind him awkwardly, unsure or not if he was aware of your presence.
"Doctor?" You faltered. His head perked up slightly, and the Doctor strained out a hum. He stood up, his arms tiredly hanging at his sides after he stretched. It checked out with your fit of rage theory. The Doctor walked up to you, and you only then noticed how fraught he was.
His expression was tired, eyes sunken and lips pressed into a thin line. His shirt was unkempt: the sleeves were torn slightly. It also appeared burnt or covered in dust. His hands were covered in dust too.
However, you noticed that his right hand had quite a few cuts and gashes, which all seeped out orange-tinted blood.
His greenish-brown eyes search yours for a moment as a tear rolls down his cheek. He inhales deeply, nodding to himself.
"Look, I..." The Doctor paused, again glancing over into your eyes, "I'm sorry- I can't, I can't do this," He took in a trembling gasp for air, "I don't want to, but I can't keep doing this. I'm sick of it. I can't keep losing people. I'm so sick of saving the universe." Unsure of what to you, you reach a hand out to the Doctors. He puts a hand on top of yours, keeping the other, bloodier fist at his side. You brush your thumb over his knuckles, his hand hot against yours. The Doctor continues, "Everyone, everyone who travels with me leaves, or dies, and I'm always alone again. Alone and in pain. I can't keep doing this..."
Smiling sadly, you nod, "I understand," You looked back up at the Doctor, "If you called me here to convince me to go home-"
"Take you home?" The Doctor's voice cracked, "I could never. That'd be just as bad as losing you. I need you."
Oh, the Doctor have his way of making you feel important at the worst moments. Your insides bubbled giddily, but you refused to show it. Instead, you ignored it to the best of your ability; what he was saying was important.
Your attention had fallen back down to his hand, and it looked considerably worse than you initially thought. Pieces of glass dug into his knuckles, the skin seeming gnarled by the force of the oncoming storm, "Doctor, your hand,"
"It's fine." The Doctor seethed, staring numbly at you, "I'm not human, it's not going to kill me."
You wanted to protest. However, given the Doctor's already fragile temperament, you weren't going to push it. Instead, after an instant of silence, you asked a simple question, "How have you been, then?"
The Doctor blinked, giving an answer careful thought. He had an earnest grimace as he finally spoke, "Furious."
"I can see, that" You hum, putting equal thought into how you should approach your response, "What do you think you're going to do, now?"
"Stay here. I'm not getting involved anymore." The Doctor spat, pulling his hand away from yours, turning to sit down, "I don't want to care."
"That's fair enough." You reassure. You didn't like the sound of the Doctor retiring too much, but you respected his choice. If he didn't want to save the world, he doesn't have to. You hoped that, in his chosen conditions, he would heal.
You vowed to yourself at that moment that you'd do everything you could to help him. Starting with his physical injuries.
You heard the armchair squeak softly as the Doctor flopped back against it, picking up a book from the coffee table and beginning to read. You headed back over to the door and grabbed the small medkit from the bracket on the wall. You paced back to the Doctor, pulling a pouffe from a few feet away to sit on. The Doctor glared daggers at you, exhaling sharply and holding his arm out in your general direction. You thanked him meekly, beginning to remove the sharp, reinforced glass shards from his knuckles.
If you were new to travelling with the Doctor, you thought that seeing this might hurt you more. However, six years of travelling was more than enough for the two of you to be used to this sort of treatment. He never seemed to care much about his physical health, more about yours. That often ended up in you worrying about the Doctor, not that you minded. You supposed it worked out, as you both fussed over each other. If the Doctor's previous face saw how he was acting, you were sure he'd have a fit. Not that he mattered, as he was still a part of the man in front of you.
You could tell by the downtrodden way he pretended to read his book, staring a hole through it, that something was bothering him.
"Are you scared of me?" The Doctor halted, voice brittle. He had taken note of how delicate you were and had drawn it up to a fear that the Doctor would lash out at you.
"No," You shushed, focusing on removing the glass from his hands.
"You don't sound sure,"
"I am." You reassured bluntly, "I'm just being careful. I don't want to hurt you more."
"I'm not hurt! You don't need to fuss over me,"
You lifted your eyebrows slightly, "There's nothing wrong with feeling, Doctor. As you said yourself, feelings enhance life." The Doctor exhaled petulantly, eyes back on his book. "But not even you can be in pain forever."
"What is my alternative?" The Doctor strangled out, "I forget? I do something selfish?"
You grimace as you remove the last small shard from his pinky. You take out a clean cloth and some water, dampening the rag as you speak, "You're forced to survive this pain, this guilt, but you will grow from it. You make mistakes so that you learn from them."
You gently clear the blood from his hands and start to apply mild pressure to the deeper wounds. The two of you continued in silence, the Doctor only occasionally removing his hand to turn the page.
He was such a different person to the goofball front you were used to. He was melancholic. However, you would see a small amount of your Doctor bubbling to the surface. He would occasionally chuckle at the book he was reading or draw circles on your palm as you held his hand still. It provided you with enough comfort to know that you weren't wasting your time.
You finished up your last-minute medical care with a bandage around his hand. You closed the medkit.
"Alright, I'm just going to go restock this, then I'll go tidy up the paper in the console room,"
"Oh- right that... Must've been a mess. I'm sorry,"
"It's okay." You smiled pleasantly, "Come find me if you need me, okay? I won't be far,"
The Doctor caught your hand in his, just as you were about to leave, he tugged at your arm. You leant down, and the Doctor pressed a short kiss to your cheek. You countered with a kiss of your own on the middle of his forehead. Just like you used to, back with his previous incarnation.
As you wandered off, you were oblivious as to what that gesture meant. Was it a thank you? Another apology? Was it even platonic?
From behind you, you swore that he said something you thought you'd never hear the Doctor say.
