The Thinker

A blog about giving a different perspective then the mainstream views.

[thethinker2002]

Wow it has been forever

It has been forever since I even made a post. Back in 2015 my life was in complete turmoil and I did not know how to deal with the many conflicting emotions. It was a difficult time and I wanted to put the blame on everyone else besides myself. That assigning blame is an easy thing to do isn't it? We all do it all the time without realizing it. We tend to blame others for the faults in our lives and blame ourselves for the things that are completely out of our control. In 2015 I had many bad things happen but I also had some great things happen. From finding a job, making new friends to family trouble and stress. Now I wanted to blame my family and just life itself for my problems but in truth it was my own actions. Not wanting to push myself to make myself better. I finally had the motivation to do that. Since 2015 I went from a job making $9.00 an hour to now in 2017 making $14.62 an hour. It took time and effort to keep pushing myself for better. My family ties have become stronger even after more loss, but I did not slip back into that path of becoming one with alcoholism again. I moved once again and made new friends, but on the other spectrum I have also ended up with new stresses. While I admit I enabled the new stresses in my life. Sometimes it doesn't hurt to say no. Once you show you are kind and caring people tend to forget the damages of the long term abusing of someone's generosity. Also people tend to rely on that generosity and do not really get to know you. It is hard to say you are a friend if you do not really know the person. This creates an awkward cycle of a repeatable circumstance until the person who is dealing with the short end of the stick ends up lashing out with their pent up emotional damage. It is only logical that this will happen unless they truly are just that passive. Even the most meek of a person will not take it for a long time. I believe people do not see the hypocritical nature that they do when are the same people who complain about others who do it to them. When we use ethical reasoning in this case would it not make sense that you do not do unto others that you despise being done unto you. Other then that life has become a bit more prosperous and will eventually even out the negativity. Just got to be positive about life. What do you think? Any related stories?

[thethinker2002]

Why even try anymore?

I do not understand people. Saying they are there for you, want to spend time with you, and so much more. When the chance comes up they do not go for it. A fight ensues, but instead of making things better.. It gets worse. They say that they will never let you push them away and when you push they run away instantly. Say they need time. We all know what that means. It means that you lost them. How does that make the person feel? Things should be discussed and worked on instead of the instant.. I give up. Why is it when I try, I get the shaft.. But when I am not trying.. I get the "what's wrong, why do you seem like you are not interested anymore?" Why does everything always fall on me to make mistakes? Why can I never express how I feel without being the one who does something wrong. Why is it so hard to be open and honest without someone getting pissed or everything getting ruined? Yes this post is basically irrational as I feel like I lost the last good thing in my life. I would do anything to take back the argument that happened earlier. I just wish she would realize that I never meant to get so upset. With everything lately. The problems my brother caused in my life recently, job searching, my mom's death, and so much more. I just needed her more than ever now and that is why I got so upset about last night. I know she will likely never will see this even if I tell her about it. I am sorry. Please forgive me.

[thethinker2002]

My life lately

When I initially made this blog, I had a purpose for this blog. A defined purpose that I wanted to promote a different way of thinking, to question the norm. However as those of you who do read my blog, you have noticed my life has gone up and down. So my blog has become a way for me to clear my head, vent my life and concerns, and be able to express my feelings in a way that is constructive.

Back in September, I made a blog post about a breakup that I had. At first I was severely heartbroken about it. Really did not know what to do as I had so many things go wrong. My mom passed away and during my time off to grieve I lost my job. Had to spend two months trying to fight with unemployment. Finally got it the first week of November. I was such an emotional wreck that I did not even know where to begin to do anything. I went back and forth between deciding where to live. Ended up going back to live where I am now. I mean, how does one go about fixing their life after everything going wrong at once? It took a lot to find myself after becoming close to becoming an alcoholic. I recovered before I went too far in.

About two or three weeks ago, I finally beat my anxiety and depression or so I thought. When I think of family, I see people who are supposed to be supportive and bring you up. Being there for you when you make mistakes, trying to do what they can to bring you out of a depression or bad situation. However this is not the case with my family. I spent a good part of my night yesterday sunk into a huge depression after a conversation with my brother. He just kept putting me down and making me feel like crap. I do what I can to fix my life yet he thinks that I am not doing anything. He just keeps pushing things and making jokes that hurt a lot.

I want to fix my life overall and try to get a new life going on. However it seems like the more I push forward the harder it gets. I cannot seem to figure out what I am doing wrong that I keep getting set back. The struggles should not be this bad. Am I doomed to be stuck in this endless cycle? Shall I finally persevere? These questions constantly go through my mind. I believe in myself when it comes to my skills on a job, a man who would be great as a father and husband after looking at everything I have been through, a friend, and so much more. I just do not know what keeps holding back. Is there an issue that I do not see? What blinds me to the truth?

The inner struggle is mostly gone and my confidence in myself has never been higher. I just need to keep pushing forward and hopefully one day I will see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know over the past year I have dealt with so much struggle that I am not surprised that I have been able to keep moving forward. I am not one to give up easily. So I have done my best to keep pushing past the sorrow, grief, agony, and so much more for emotions to try to find a better future.

I remember about a month ago, I looked in the mirror and did not like what I saw staring back at me. A man broken, picking up the pieces, a beer in my hand, no smile on my face only sorrow and fear, a person who was not willing to take chances anymore as he was too afraid of the consequences of those actions, and so lost. I asked myself that day if this is what I wanted become and I told myself no. I did not want to become that person. That day I decided to change and do everything I can to reach my dreams. Some days I start to lose hope, but I am not going to give up as I believe I can get them.

Is there any advice you would like to give me? Any comments?

[thethinker2002]

Losing what means the most

Another off topic post: I met this girl a couple months ago and I ended up falling in love with her and her kids. They mean the world to me. I thought over the past year I changed a lot, fixed my mistakes, made my life better so I could provide a better life for myself and the one I end up with. I grew attached to the kids. Learning what they like and do not like. Ally as much as she has her sassiness, she is just like her mom, a good heart, loving and adorable, gots a fire in her, loves to cuddle with her mom and me at times. Very sociable, I regret not being able to spend more time with her. She always asked us to read bedtime stories to her. I should have, even if it was past the time Mandie said for them to go to bed. Kylee had a fire about her, could be kind a lot of times and was always worried about her youngest sister, Kara. She loved odd things at times to me, but I should have paid her a great deal of attention more. Play FarmVille with her more or just helped more outside while she was being creative. I loved the fact she used her own ingenuity to create a swing and seesaw. She is a bright and artistic young girl. Kara, young, curious, energetic, and always laughing. I will miss you so much, you were the closest I will ever have to a daughter. Always wanting to be on my lap, to be held, dance with me, or just to be lifted up in the air. I love you, my dear and miss you. I just hope one day your mom lets me back in your lives. I should have paid attention more to all of you. Should not have been focused on my phone as much as I have been, put my complete undivided attention on you girls. You are the future, I am proud of you and your mother. You will be what makes this world better with the kindness, good hearted nature, and laughter that you bring to others. The smiles on your faces can brighten anyone's day.

[thethinker2002]

Keeping it under control

I thought my divorce would be over with my last post, but it continued on. No matter how hard you try to keep your emotions under control they tend to get out of control in ways you never expected. Some people go to drinking, some people lock themselves in rooms, then you got the drug addictions, and finally you got the ones that resort to lesser known addictions. What I noticed is that I tend to resort to gambling. Luckily I got myself to stop and not waste the money I need for my trip for my divorce. Why does this happen to me? Why does it happen to anyone? As being human, we tend to believe we are impervious to all the negative that can happen and become so focused on how great we can be yet forget that we are susceptible to things like greed when we are wanting to get away from all of our troubles. I believe that anyone can overcome their addictions, but we need to realize that we even have them in the first place. Today I was reading a website that was saying that they are not addictions and rather just what we call it as an excuse. When you constantly go back towards something such as gambling and actually experiences withdrawal from not doing the gambling then I believe it is really an addiction. That is very hard to admit about myself and I know that I can beat it. Starting today I am going to take steps so that I will not allow myself to do this anymore to myself. Friends have been the best thing that have kept me calm for a long time, but when they are busy it is hard to keep it all under control.  Does anyone have any advice?

[thethinker2002]

Can emotions transcend the normal boundaries?

Have you ever talked to someone that you have felt so connected to that you feel like you have known the person your entire life? That you have this feeling that you cannot explain that makes you happier than you have ever been in your life? When you talk to this person that all your worries in your life are just uplifted and feel like they are not there anymore. In a society where technology has changed so many aspects of our life, we have to ask ourselves is the social norm of people only meeting people in the local proximity is the only way way to meet people. With the internet and websites such as Plenty of Fish, OKcupid, Match.com and more that we have to wonder if that is even the social norm anymore. I have heard from friends of success stories where long distance relationships have works and I have heard of them failing. However I wonder if the reason behind that is because one of them was thinking too much that the relationship had to be what people expect or one of the two was not really willing to take a chance to see the relationship succeed. I believe that if you have that connection that can only happen once in your life then you should take the chance to see the relationship succeed.

I believe I have found this connection and I hope it succeeds. As long as both people are true to each other and making sure they have open communication then I know a long distance relationship can work. Have you a success story of a long distance relationship that you want to share? Do you have a different opinion? Please share it.

[thethinker2002]

The Human Psyche

I have noticed over the past few months since my divorce started how easily the human mind can fracture and how long it can take for a person to recover. This is based on myself only so I cannot say how others deal with it. When my wife left me in September, I was in utter shock and was not able to comprehend that it was actually happening. My mind was literally scattered and from what I have been through I made extremely poor choices at first that cost me a lot. By December I thought I finally recovered mentally until the first court hearing. My sanity fractured upon seeing her. When I left I almost checked myself into a crisis center as I was experiencing a whole new level of depression and anxiety that I could not fully explain. It was a feeling of loss, regret, anger, and so many more feelings. I could not even begin to gather myself back together so I went by family to try and recover. Come to today, I feel like I am 100% again for the first time in a long time, but the dreadful final court date is looming and I ask myself what will this do to me again? I fear it could set back all my progress. I believe I am strong enough that I could break past this and get through it all.

I am going to add more thoughts to this in a second part, which will be likely after the divorce is finalized.

Has anyone else ever experienced this before? If so I want to hear your story. Are you willing to tell us about it?

[thethinker2002]

Crime and punishment - Innocent being punished.

I typically like to avoid personal issues when I am contemplating matters in our society, however, this one is too fresh in my mind. For a long time I have been a supporter of the court systems, restraining orders against people who commit domestic violence, the law, and the belief that domestic violence awareness needed to be promoted more. In October I was served a restraining order from my ex wife accusing me of atrocities that I would not even consider doing. When it came to the court date, I tried to explain my side of the situation along with providing copies of the text messages that my ex and I exchanged. Unfortunately the judge would not even look at the evidence at all. In each of the text messages I was being peaceful and trying to come up with solutions which would avoid debt and allow the possessions to be split without a fight. The responses I got were threats. After this experience, I lost a lot of faith in the court system. I believe it is time for reform where the courts need to go to the point of how they were meant to be. Where justice is unbiased and does not choose a side based on a sympathy story and instead is based on the facts. Evidence should actually be viewed and when the so called victim even says they do not feel threatened and not in fear then the case should be dismissed. Have you ever had an experience like this? Do you disagree with me? What do you think? I want to hear your thoughts.

[thethinker2002]

Racism: Why it has not ended

When I think about racism my mind wants to instantly flash to moments in our history where people were persecuted based on their color. This was done primarily by the ethnic group that people classify as "white". You know that infamous box on many surveys, job applications, applications for government services, and so many other documentations out there. To jump to the point without skipping the important material is that we tend to still classify ourselves based on our ethnic background. As for myself, I have an interesting background that has led me to try and track down what ethnicity I can really count myself. From my understanding, I truly am a melting pot of different races and cultures.

I really started thinking about racism in the modern age after going to a Pow-Wow with my wife. There I noticed signs, bumper stickers, and shirts that were straight up racism towards white people. I may not be able to understand exactly what they have gone through, but is it not time to move on and stop the fighting once and for all. We are new generation and it is time to move past what has happened. We cannot keep paying for the sins of what previous generations of this country has done. I have met some really nice and friendly Native Americans, but I have met some that have a total disrespect for anyone who is not Native American. Is today not the time to stop this? I find that with an attitude where you are disrespectful towards another person and their culture or lifestyles you cannot get respect either.

The attitude that I have seen with few Native Americans that treated me that way and along with the signs has also been seen in other cultures/races. Fortunately I have not met a African American who was offensive towards me directly. There has been,however, one that I heard about where my wife works. That is not my story to tell though, I will go on about the comedy shows on TV that is partially responsible with not letting the racism end. When people go on about white people and insulting them, that does not really help end the racism. I understand that they do have a reason to be upset due to how they were treated and the struggles they had to endure before the civil war and after. I really am sorry about the struggles you have to deal with, but is it not time to move on. The race card is a bit old and over used. People will have a lot more respect for anyone if they would just drop the race card and start realizing one important factor, we are American. We are all struggling to do the same thing and that is to survive. Some of us want to make this world a better place, myself included. We constantly try to define ourselves as one race or another, but in truth whether we believe in science or religion we all come from the same place. We really should be trying to ensure a safe environment for our children to grow in, create a life where any man or woman can walk down the streets feeling safe once again.

What are thoughts? Would you like me to elaborate more?

[thethinker2002]

Introduction

I like to think of myself as a person that tends to think a lot about different subjects. My views are not typically mainstream thinking, so typically I never say anything about them. Recently I have been wanting to talk about my various opinions and views in a public setting so I have decided to create this blog. I decided to go with the name thethinker2002 in order to avoid any hassle that may come to me directly. Topics may range from politics, science, education, economy, racial tension, and more. Sadly religion may be a topic, but all topics are not meant to start a fight instead they are to cause a new way of thinking. I am a rather peaceful person, who thinks that this world can be a better place if we take the time to better ourselves instead of fighting.