* TW * flawed. & (still) worthy

The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts

[thetimewilltell]

I got it under control

My words are illusions, used to manipulate.

I say

“yes, I’m fine”

“no worries, everything’s great”

“of course, I got it under control”

I say

“Rationalize your thoughts, your anxiety makes you irrational”

“Your feelings are valid, don’t drag yourself down”

“I’m here for you if you want to talk”

I need you to think that I’m doing just fine, that I’m capable. I need you to believe the lies I tell you in order to believe them myself. I need you to trust in me, so you can tell me your worries.

And I need you to let my illusions manipulate you, so I know that I’m not adding on to your problems, so I can push my own things deep down and bury them under things that aren’t even my own.

It’s easier for me to let your problems get to me instead of my own. It’s easier for me to be in control of myself if I offer control over another one’s problems.

My own brain manipulates itself so it doesn’t harm the body. Example:

I have the overwhelming urge to give up and give in and I’m capable of doing so until another persons problem seems more valid then my own. Good for me, I guess, but it means that I have to surround myself with other persons problems and tell myself my problems aren’t valid enough, in order to stay in control.

Congrats brain, that doesn’t make any sense.

[thetimewilltell]

Something I realized

Thinking about relapsing calms me down.

My heart usually feels like it’s jumping out of my chest at any given moment, but my heartbeat calms down every time I think about giving in. Every time the urge to relapse swallows me whole and I let myself think about the feeling of split skin, running blood and the instant relief…

Ist die Zeit in der ich mich zusammengerissen habe überhaupt was wert, wenn ich trotz alle dem immer noch darüber nachdenke rückfällig zu werden?

[thetimewilltell]

Sometimes you need to be brave. Brave for facing life. Brave for developing. And accepting changes. Brave to focus the unknown future.

Even though we don’t have any contact at the moment, I know you are actually going through this. Focussing on examen, on what will happen after school’s over, on what comes next. Let me tell you: it is okay to be afraid and it is okay to be brave. You’re going your way!

I’ve noticed I was going through some changes and development the last time. I’m facing studying, learning and challenging. The cloudy blurring hiding my future sight disappeared. I let a new person in my life by saying goodbye to an old. I learned what a partnership can feel like and had a coming out situation lately.

I love you, honey! I want to be there for you, whenever you feel like it. ❤️

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.”

— Elizabeth Wurtzel

[thetimewilltell]

I thought it went away, like I just had some mood swings from time to time... but that it came all back with brutal force. And even though I know I could see the end, I just don’t want to. It’s like knowing how things will end and you accepted it, but it’s a different one

[thetimewilltell]

Manchmal möchte ich dich fragen:

Kennst du das nicht? Wenn du auf einmal ganz traurig wirst? Dir dein Herz weh tut? Und du das Gefühl des vermissens nicht los wirst, weil du dich in dem Moment so sehr nach dem „ich“ sehnst was du verloren hast? Das ich welches nicht einfach traurig geworden ist, wessen Herz nicht schwer wurde?

[thetimewilltell]

I wish for people to have an automatic trigger warning system above their head, so that I know when to stop listening

I knew it was getting bad again or worsened when I had this uncontrollable hunger. When I couldn’t stop eating, because no matter how much I ate, I didn’t feel full. So I knew, the hole inside my body did start to grow again and was swallowing me up from the inside out. I felt the anxiety worsen, because every time I thought of something, anything I have no controll over, my hands began shaking and could feel my rapid heartbeat.

And than I got triggered and I knew that was it. I dissociated and everything lost its focus. The intrusive thoughts set in and didn’t stop till now. My ears are ringing because the questions inside my mind are spinning around themselves, repeating themselves mercilessly. I feel mocked by my incapability to stop them. But the worst thing is, that I can’t eat anymore. The fear of loosing controll, of not being able to stop eating, I stoped completely. I acted on impulse. First I just spend money I did, but didn’t have. Nothing to bad, it’s just money. But now I am risking my health by being scared to even touch the food that could give me well needed noutrition.

[thetimewilltell]

I will never be THAT perfect girl

My hair isn’t naturally blond, long and shiny - perfect

My hair is damaged because every time I feel out of control I color it and the bleach made it brittle. My hair is rather short, because I needed a change and it gave me confidence, so I chopped it of. My hair is poofy, because of the curls and waves, but I straighten it every day to cover up as much of my neck and face as it is possible. It’ll never be the perfect hair.

My skin isn’t tan and smooth - perfect

My skin is as damaged as my hair. There are scars scattered all over and it’s everything but smooth. My skin has the color and texture of the moon, but it gets red and patchy like the sun from time to time. It’ll never be the perfect skin.

My mental health isn’t stable, as well as my physical health

My mental health is anything but stable, even though there are a few times when it actually is. I’m a mess with anxiety and panic attacks, who has and still struggles with self harm and part time disordered eating habits. My mental health deteriorates when my physical health isn’t as its supposed to be and the other way around. I’m struggling with a chronic skin disorder that makes me tired and cranky all the time. There will never be times were I’m perfectly healthy.

I know, I don’t have to be perfect, I’m only human, but I’ve been told to stop changing so much, to cover myself up and get my shut together that I feel the need to be anything but myself. I hide between straightened and colored hair, big hoodies that cover up as much skin as possible, a fake smile and conversations that don’t mean a thing. I don’t feel like myself, because when I look into the mirror I hate what I see. I dislike the way I look, those scars, pimples, rashes, inflamed spots, stretch marks, the jiggle of my thighs and butt, my height, the texture of my hair, nothing seems to be right. Even though there are times were I love myself as the person I am, most times I despise myself and I don’t know how to change it. I need to accept that I will never be perfect in my own eyes. Maybe I just need to be some kind of perfect in your eyes, but I need your help accepting that, too.

[thetimewilltell]

Manchmal möchte ich sterben obwohl ich unglaubliche Angst vor dem Tod habe

- me, myself and I

[thetimewilltell]

Und manchmal, da kann und will ich einfach nicht mehr. Dann hoffe ich, innständig, dass die Zeit doch schneller vergeht oder endlich ausläuft. Doch meistens bleibt sie für den Bruchteil einer Sekunde stehen und fühlt sich an wie eine Ewigkeit. Wir werden vergehen, Ich und die Zeit, wenn die Zeit dazu gekommen ist. Und solange stecke Ich in diesem Moment fest in dem ich nicht mehr kann und will.

[relatablepoetryandquotes]

“It’s easy for someone to joke about scars if they’ve never been cut.” - William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

[thetimewilltell]

I tell myself everything will work out just fine, but I’m scared that I might never be able to experience that. I’m scared stuff might happen, things I can’t controll and it’s hard knowing I’m not in controll of every single thing in my life. I just hope that sleep will take over soon, so that I can stop overthinking my overthinking.

[thetimewilltell]

And the thing is, I once found a certain kind of peace in pain and now, in times where I’m in need of some peace of mind I’m feeling myself being drawn to the things that make me bleed...

[thetimewilltell]

You have to stop thinking about it or you may never stop. It will tear you up and drag you down. You will hit rock bottom - again. And if you won’t stop now, it may be to late.

[thetimewilltell]

*ERROR*

There is this feeling right now. A feeling I know a little too well. It starts as a small whisper in the back of your head, as a chill creeping up and down your spine, as tension in your shoulders and jaw - then it develops. Into cold hands wrapping around your lungs, into sledgehammers pounding in your head, into a dark abyss, into choking on your own breath and seemingly drowning in your own overwhelming emotions, while you hear nothing but the blood in your ears and the pounding of your heart. There are no tears, no grasping on consciousness, no screaming or begging for it to stop, no fighting for air - there’s nothing but silence. You’re sitting there all by yourself while there is not single sound. It’s just you and the raging storm inside your mind. It’s like letting your mind take controll, but willing your body to resemble a stone statue. There is no movement. Everything that’s going on is hidden behind skin and bones. You just let it take over, but you’re not in there fighting that fight, you’re staying conscious, on the outside, just feeling. And now I dare you to close your eyes. Closing them makes it real, because you are no longer on the outside just watching the fight, you are standing right in the middle. Close your eyes and breath it all in - your body is just a shell, it won’t break, it’ll stay put and nothing will happen to it. But your mind, oh dear. That’s all on you now, your mind will shatter into a million different pieces, into fragments of yourself, into words, thoughts... and all these little pieces will melt into nothing, leaving you with that big *ERROR* sign. The worst part is that you know that you have to get those pieces together again, you have to verbalize it, to open your eyes to see it clearer, but you just can’t. All you can do is stare at yourself not knowing who you are, where you’ve been, where you will be. It’s all just blank and empty and... Sometimes I just wish I could cry it all out, but that’s another thing that won’t work, when there’s an *ERROR* inside your own mind.

[derbluesinmeinemkopf-deactivate]

“Manchmal habe ich das Gefühl, dass die Konturen verwischen und ich nicht weiß, wie man lebt. Da habe ich Angst, dass nichts mehr Sinn ergibt und so Angst, dass ich keinen Sinn ergebe.”

— inspired by Julia Engelmann

[thetimewilltell]

We lost ourselves

Each other

And everybody else

Thoughts

[thetimewilltell]

Venting

I’m one of these people who think of themselves as a different person, from a different perspective.

So if I think about myself, I don’t actually think about me as a real human being, as a person, but of me as someone else. Like I’m not myself but someone I know that is me.

I can see, hear, feel whatever this other version of me sees, hears or feels, but it just doesn’t feel real.

For example, I’m (as a real person, as the original me) really afraid of New Years, and I feel this overwhelming panic and depression that’s coming with it, but every time I try to actually think about what could happen, I see myself as somebody else. It’s not me trying to controll my emotions, trying to cover up tears or a panic attack. It’s not me telling you that I try to feel better and that I have no fucking clue what’s wrong with me and why I feel sad all the fucking time. Why I feel anxious and panicky. It’s not me trying to explain to you that I hate myself for being so down all the time that I feel like dying most of the time and that I’m aware of the fact that I don’t have a reason to feel like that at all. It’s not me screaming in rage because I’m so angry, because I’m so furious about the things happening, the things that happened, because I can’t help you, I just don’t know how, because no one can help me, because I’m angry at everybody even though it’s all me. It’s not me feeling so helpless and hopeless because it seems like I can’t change a thing about it.

No matter what, it’s not me. It’s this person. This person who is kinda me. Looking like me. Sounding like me. Me. But not.

Gosh, I’m so unbelievably frustrated with myself. I always thought of myself as someone who is able to communicate their feelings, but now? I have all these thoughts and emotions that I can’t even explain to myself. I have so many words but I’m not able to form a sentence.

I’m fighting. Fighting against my own heart, my own head, myself.

There is this burning, itching, pain deep down in my bones and I don’t know what to do about it. There are days when it feels like cold hands wrapping around my throat, other days it feels like chains getting heavier and heavier on my chest. It can feel like needles being stuck through my heart, like water in my lungs, a black hole swallowing everything up.

It feels like dying and living at the same time. And like I said, there is nothing I can do about it, the only thing I know how to silence it or stop it for a moment is when I’m seeing my own blood running down my thighs or arm. It’s when I drag blades over my skin in gentle but harsh motions. When I’m in controll of the depth and length of my work. When the only thing I can feel, hear and see is pure nothingness.