The Uncanny Stories

Hey, it's theuncannymary ! Here is my side blog for all my short stories for you to read ! (élie, they/them)

[theuncannystories]

cisnormativity (hello yes i am back this blog isn’t dead lmao)

i love when people mock me for using the word "cisnormativity" because they don't even know what that word actually means.

cisnormativity is being assigned at birth in a second ; cisnormativity is being given barbies until the age of eleven and then hearing about how disgusting our natural functions are ; cisnormativity is being unable to talk about periods without recieveing the words madam, or she/her/hers ; cisnormativity is not seeking medical help because it's about genitals, again ; cisnormativity is being seen as a girl, a girl, a girl, every second of your existence, no matter what ;

cisnormativity is the two het boys yelling at me from a white van thinking they have a chance with me because all they see is girl, girl girl ; cisnormativity is "i want two boys to carry that heavy stuff for me !" ; cisnormativity is recieving the same sexist remarks anyways, cisnormativity is being scared to walk alone at night because cis dudes just don't understand the meaning of the word "no".

cisnormativity is me getting a haircut and hearing the hairdresser say "you look more like your mother now !", as if i wasn't already a copycat of my mom, this wasn't the point ! cisnormativity is wanting the boy part, but not getting the boy part, because i am too small, too ; it's not my 5'1 ass and my baby-face that will get me the role anyways. cisnormativity is being forced to go to the boys' section, just to find something masculine that fits, because the men's section is inaccessible for my frail body.

cisnormativity is me being let in women spaces while my trans sisters are left at the door ; cisnormativity is the pussy hats at an anti-trump rally ; cisnormativity is hearing again and again "there are only two genders !" ; cisnormativity is all the lessons i've given about my gender and all the lessons i'll give in the future.

but let me tell you, if you or any cis person you know ever complains about "cisnormativity" again, just remember, if i can put up with a lifetime of injustice and ignorant people all around me they can put up with five minutes of me talking about it.

[theuncannystories]

porcelain doll

fragile and insecure here comes this porcelain doll that is me i bend i break i play this game for you but just for you

hoping that you'll love me one day twist, shout and scream hoping one day you'll me by friend and understand my being

but here i am, trapped in this little box called society called planet earth a ballerina who didn't choose her own costume the costume didn't even fit and yet i danced in the shadows hoping you'd notice me.

everything is, i realised a little mind game played by everyone ; hypocrisy is the lies on our lips but yours are so pretty, and i wish oh i deeply wish i could kiss them to reveal the truth of mine.

but you are made of pure gold, you are an indestructible diamond, and it seems that most people or should i say, everyone is made like you i am a porcelain doll in a world of metal i dance i bend i break

all for your entertainment.

[theuncannystories]

trigger warning

(trigger warning : death mention)

the other day, i watched a video about not wanting to grow up. all of a sudden, some random dude talked about his own mortality. i was triggered.

i have depression and anxiety, and existential crises, when i think about my own death. for a while, i wasn't thinking about it, and life seemed to be better.

i was trying to get better, and my motivation was going back up and i knew that somehow, someday, i'd be happy. and then i had the stupid idea of watching a youtube video.

i don't want to grow up, either ; being a boring adult being, for me, not only something dull and uninteresting, but also a step closer to death. and i was afraid of it. i thought the video was just about having fun and staying a child at heart. and then mortality was thrown into the mix.

if the dude who made this video had put in the description, a trigger warning, tw: death, i would have avoided it. i wouldn't have gotten a panic attack one of the hard ones i hadn't gotten in months, on a thursday night, i was screaming and pacing around, because of a couple of words.

today, on a saturday afternoon, i got remnents of that panic attack, and i got another one. one movie and ten youtube videos later, my stomach that didn't even wanted to ingest any food (but i forced it anyways) is still cramped, and i'm afraid of getting another panic attack over a couple of words heard in a youtube video.

so, when you make fun of me for wanting to put trigger warnings on everything that might trigger people think of all the people, like me, who were trying their best to get better, who put months and months of efforts trying not to think about their trigger just to hear a couple of words that destroy all of their hard work and crush them to the ground.

i was a proud, hoping girl, trying to get better, but now i'm just a shattered human being just for a couple of words.

a couple of words that could have been easily avoided, thanks to a trigger warning.

[theuncannystories]

i am a whole person

all around me are perfect couples perfect duos, perfect friendships perfect romance, perfect love perfect everything. a perfect i can't achieve.

many times, i've been told "you can't live alone forever you're probably thinking about wanting a best friend, or maybe a romantic partner, something that would make you happier."

what they really meant was that i am not a whole person by myself no matter what i do i'm a half of something a portion, a fraction, something that can, and should, be completed, to be fulfilled.

so when i told them that my life hasn't been well lately, that i've been struggling in my own head demons scavenging my flesh and eating every litte part of me, when i told them that these demons were my only company they told me "well, maybe, you shouldn't be alone someone else would bring you great happiness."

and when i replied that i've tried, vainly, to find happiness written on your parted lips, in the crook of your hollow arms, in the pleasure you'd allow me to get from you, when i realise your white lies were just meant to isolate myself from the rest of the world,

i gave up.

i've been trying to find my hero recently, my salvation in the form of your shallow pity, i've been told i can't love anyone else if i don't love myself first. in a sense, they were right, not in a sense that i should love myself to be able to give love to others (i'm selfless and self-destructive just to save someone else from their own doom), but that before caring about others, sometimes, i should put myself in the priority.

in a sense, i am the center of the universe. my own universe. and all the "one day, you'll find that companion", your blank statements of "i didn't have a best friend for the first eighteen years of my life" when i'm turning twenty won't be able to make me forget i don't need a hero in my life if i've been so far all alone. after all, i'm my own hero.

i am a whole person, and no one take that away from me.

[theuncannystories]

the urge

(warning : vivid descrption of urges to self-harm, suicide, and idealisation of substance abuse. i'm putting the poem under a read-more just in case someone could be triggered. read at your own risks. it's just to vent my current feelings and nothing else. i do not promote these behaviours and encourage you to seek help if needed)

i am a playdoll tucked in the bedsheets of hatred my brain, shattered on the floor, agonising, is saying "you are worthless. you are utter shit. no one likes you. everybody hates you. why don't you just kill yourself ?"

i am a fucked up person, and i'll admit, i can't take care of myself. i was never taught how to. careless parents raising a careless child. what else could go wrong ?

the first urge, i felt, while cooking in my own appartment, alone. the sharp knife inside of my hand and my brain saying "cut yourself. you need it. you are a piece of shit. you deserve it. can't you see how horrible you are ?" i had to put the knife away. no cooking for me, i guess.

the second one, i felt, in the middle of the night. "two am, where do i begin ?" i am in my bed, feeling worthless, pathetic, true scum, "crying off my face again", a little song is crying about my loneliness. i get in the kitchen and stare at the knife. once again, i wanted to cut myself. but i didn't.

since then, i kept wondering what it would feel like, if i hurt myself, would i get attention ? would people take care of me, and realise i'm a person in need ? will people love me, and tuck me in their bedsheets at night ? since they don't understand how i can be hurt mentally maybe they'll understand how i can be hurt physically, if i'm left with no control ?

sometimes, i'm in a building, in a high spot, and i just want to jump. sometimes, to die. sometimes, just to see if i could survive and just splatch a couple of bones, a couple of organs. if i end up in the hospital, maybe they'll take care of me ? i could have nurses singing lullabies, giving me meals, letting me watch tv and play all day. i wouldn't have to face the darkness of the world if i didn't have to go to work tomorrow.

sometimes, i romanticise, alcohol, cigarettes, sex, all the dangerous stuff. in real life, i'd never do it, but i have fantasies about how i was the "bad girl". maybe then, they will see how heartless i am, how shitty i am, and they'll leave me in peace. forever.

in the meantime, i scratch my skin until it bleeds and i starve myself until i lose weight. maybe people will see me as pretty one day, maybe they'll see me as interesting, maybe they'll talk to me and not be annoyed by me. but that doesn't happen. i hate everyone and everyone hates me. and they don't have to prove it.

and yet i have.

[theuncannystories]

red bull, bull red (not related to redbull the yucky drink)

i am a bull trapped in an arena against my will.

around me, bullies are the toreadors who hurt me with their spikes their spikes are words that will never leave me.

they keep me running, in circles, going nowhere, and i comply. i'm too stupid and i keep playing the game anyways. they don't know any better, but it seems that i don't either.

society, looking from their seats, very far away (it looks like they've always been here) cheers up at my anger my untempered feelings, my irrational fits of rage (they cheer up again as i yell) they love my responses, my reactions, they keep begging for more, and since i'm trapped anyways, i keep playing. and i keep getting hurt.

everyone watches the corrida without any second thought. they don't ask themselves about the cruelty of the gesture. maybe i was born to be a bull. red bull, bull red.

everything around me is red, and it's barely just my blood staining everything around me. the toreadors, the bullies, barely keep me alive, for their game. otherwise, i'd be dead already.

and that's how, in a comatose state, stuck in limbo, i keep playing the game, victim of my own ego and of a society who hates me so fucking much there will be no ally tonight and never ever ever ever.

i wish the game was over but it will never be over oh i wish it was over i wish i could just leave but i can't and my only escape is death.

i am a bull trapped inside an arena and i wish i could die.

[theuncannystories]

a statue of stone

i am a statue of stone immobile and disenchanted i am a memory of the past a fairy turned into stone.

this is my curse, maybe, for loving who i loved and for being who i am beauty queen filled up with drugs ancient model, empty and hollow.

cold and distant, i appear, but my heart is still beating beneath but my heart was the downfall of my beloved so i try to mute it

"hush hush, passion of my heart, hush hush, love that turned to hatred, hush hush, fine wine turned to vinegar, you will be silenced now."

and in the distance, the mirage of a little girl i once knew is now a bright woman flying off to other seas. but it's not me, who appears, it's my beloved crying, and i can't return her sorrows.

[theuncannystories]

i am an introvert, but i'm not

i am an introvert ; but i am not anti-social. it's just that i can't bare people for too long. in the morning, when i see them for the first time, getting their energy from their conversations around a coffee, i am too tired, usually, to realise, there are too many. but i'll come to it eventually. as the day passes, however, they start to bug me, to upset me how come there are too many people in the same place at the same time ? how can they be energised by the presence of others ? i am tired, already of trying to hide my true self. i hate the fact that my true self will never be accepted by society. but that's another story.

i am an introvert ; but i'm not boring. i have the most vivid world, that lives inside of me. but people don't understand, the extroverts, relying on the outside world do not understand my internal world, so pure, so beautiful, so untouched. they hate the fact that they can't touch my world they could be a part of it, if they wanted to, if they just listened to me. but they don't. so i shut the doors to this wonderful world, and put the keys around my neck, so no one can access it.

i am an introvert, but i'm not ignorant. i can see through the cracks, i can see the masquerade, the lies that people use to stay in society. but i am honest, and i will not play this game. that's the reason for which i can seem to over-play my emotions (which i can feel more deeply than others) and that people hate me. people hate being told the truth. they will always hate it.

i am an introvert, but i'm not anti-social. i don't hate people, i don't want to run away from them. i love people. i love understanding their real selves, the essence of their hearts, what makes them wake up in the morning. but in a world of lies and deceit, where friendships are made and broken in a second, (when they don't have any value and don't make any sense) where there is no place for people like me, where i can't avoid the annoying and loud majority, i don't hate them. but in the end, when i spend too much time with them, i just want to run away in my private fantasy, where no one is the subject of judgment.

"you always hate what you don't understand", the wise man said, and i said, "i hate extroverts."

[theuncannystories]

tfw you have a very vivid dream that is Writing Material™ but you wake up before the end and you have to make it up yourself

[theuncannystories]

reposting my playlists because i need more sounds like these ones !!!

(basically, i need each playlist to reach between ten/twelve songs. i'd like songs in the theme & the tune of these songs plz i'll love you forever.)

going insane playlist (basically songs about going/being crazy) : - mad hatter by melanie martinez - message man by twenty-one pilots - control by halsey - sail by awolnation

bad bitches club playlist (songs about being a heartless little biatch who doesn't give a single fuck) : - hit and run by lolo - victorious by panic! at the disco - homewrecker by marina and the diamonds - black sheep by gin wigmore

sexy horny beasts playlist (about little sexy horny beasts who are hot af and love sex) : - for your entertainment by adam lambert - the bad touch by the bloodhound gang - do i wanna know ? by the arctic monkeys

this is the end playlist (apocalytic songs about the end of the world) : - world on fire by les friction - the last masquerade by linkin park - fall by dotan

upbeat songs playlist (happy songs to uplift you during sad days) : - on top of the world by imagine dragons - young volcanoes by fall out boy - safe and sound by capital cities

let's go home playlist (soppy songs about going home after a hardship) : - home by dotan - home II by dotan - always gold by radical face - time by mikky ekko

fighter winner playlist (basically you destroying your rival hehehe) : - come with me now by the kongos - wires by the neighbourhood

(i know i could be googling "songs about this or that", but i don't like them bc they are not the same tune as the ones in my playlist/they aren't my taste, so i'm asking to the fans of the bands in question if they have related artists/songs to complete these playlists !!!)

so anyways if you have any songs that resemble the above ones thanks a bunch for your suggestions !!!

have a nice time and see you soon !!! <3 <3 <3

[theuncannystories]

tattoos

people say, you get tattoos at the most crucial moments in your life and sometimes, they are good ; but most of the time, they are bad.

the first tattoo she got was at the age of one and a half, too young, too fragile, and yet, her skin was already marked by a broken ring on her left wrist. that was the divorce of her parents.

the second one was at the age of three, a tiny dollhouse, on her left cheek, her dad was moving out. she saw her toys packed, and thought they were leaving forever. it was probably already the end of her childhood. in a sense.

the third one was at the age of six, the first one that was happy. a crib, on her inner right elbow, and a little brother was born.

the fourth one was at the age of eight, she skipped a class, started being bullied, her father didn't talk to her anymore, she hated her step-mom. then there was a tear, under her right eye, that made her want to cry more. and she cried more.

the fifth one was at the age of eleven, grabby hands just above her private parts. she had no intimacy in her dad's house, and her step-mom touched her in sensitive parts. not until years later would she learn that was abuse.

the sixth one was at the age of twelve, a broken heart on her chest, an arrow piercing it. she didn't go to her dad's anymore. she thought it would be the best for her. she was wrong.

the seventh one was at the age of fourteen, high-school, bus, stress, nothing was right. a rainy cloud appeared, right on her nose where her dad would make the cutest eskimo kisses. and then she cried herself to sleep.

the eighth one was at the age of sixteen, eating disorders, depression, stretch marks, everything was wrong. a knife, sharp and pointy, appeared on her stomach. she wanted to rip her entire self. but she didn't.

the ninth one appeared at the age of eighteen, after gaining weight, she lost all of it, ripping her hair and not caring anymore, not eating, not sleeping, not working. it was a brain. on her right foot. she wanted to stomp it away with all her thoughts.

now, she's turning twenty, this little cutie, and her tenth tattoo is appearing. she wished, oh, she wished, she could have chosen it. it was a baby ribbon with her name on it. she didn't understand, at first, but then, she understood.

maybe, after all this time, she had found her way. she had found her destiny. and now, she was about to follow it. it had always been there, she just had to lead her own life.

[theuncannystories]

still looking for songs

here’s my previous post about it

so far i kept looking (since no one seems to help me)

and here are my additions :

going insane playlist : control by halsey and sail by awolnation

this is the end playlist : fall by dotan

i also have new playlists !!!

let’s go home : home by dotan, home ii by dotan, always gold by radical face, time by mikky ekko

fighter winner : come with me now by the kongos and wires by the neighbourhood

maybe you now have a better point of view on the aesthetic of these playlists and will be able to help me better ???

idk man but i’m leaving now

goodbye

[theuncannystories]

looking for songs my beautiful babes !!!

i’m looking to make some playlists but i don’t seem to find any so pretty please send me some songs if you can find any similar songs to those below !!!

going insane playlist : - mad hatter by melanie martinez - message man by twenty-one pilots

bad bitches club playlist : - hit and run by lolo - victorious by panic! at the disco - homewrecker by marina and the diamonds

sexy horny beasts : - for your entertainment by adam lambert - the bad touch by the bloodhound gang - do i wanna know ? by the arctic monkeys

this is the end : - world on fire by les friction - the last masquerade by linkin park

upbeat songs : - on top of the world by imagine dragons - young volcanoes by fall out boy - safe and sound by capital cities

thanks very much for your help !!! and i'll see you soon with some new stuff !!!

and as usual, our last word : KIDNEYS !!!

[theuncannystories]

daily reminder that the admissions for the arcobaleno culture club are still open

this is the last time i’ll talk about if no one cares about it then i’ll shut up

i’m just saying that i’m really sad right now and you could make my day by sharing the link to the club here

okay this was a pathetic attempt at trying to have some fun

i don’t have the time to upload there daily because i’m back to school tomorrow & too much work stresses out the baby (me)

(i’m v v v sad i just want a little message of encouragement. i have an english assignment/powerpoint on gender bias in businesses and i don’t even remember if i took a spot on the 22nd which is monday or the 25th which is thursday)

(let’s hope it was thursday)

okay bye

[theuncannystories]

empty

i am as empty as a black void that has now sucked all life from me no feelings remain in this cold body ready to go away somewhere somewhere else where no one will find me where people would understand me but they don't understand me they don't understand that they stole my feelings from me joy turned into melancholy my smile, reduced to tears, my calm, turned into anger and fury, my sweetness turned into bitterness like fine wine into old vinegar (no one wants to drink vinegar) i can't control how i feel anymore i want to let it out i deserve to be hurt, just because i'm not a good person i never was and never will be if i could break up with myself i would i hope people understood my emptiness but they don't so i try to empty my body to show my empty mind and i like it the feeling of starvation bones on skin, nothing else, am i not pretty enough now ? am i not valuable ? am i not the doll you wanted, living the barbie life yet ? and i like it my growling stomach, losing weight, yes, i like it, under 45 kilograms again, what a success, can't eat the candy i bought myself two weeks ago, i can't bring myself to it, i can't take more weight again, i must remain empty, because empty is pretty, to you, so i remain empty, an empty body for an empty soul. can't you notice me now ?

[theuncannystories]

sad clown

i am a sad clown in a mad circus i am the biggest joke in the universe people love teasing me my anger is their fuel, my tears, their victory, my silence, their triumph. they love seeing my anger, spilling blood, red, my voice going up, cracking, yelling, going nowhere, i am the joke everyone wants to see, poking fun at me, like sticks, onto my skin, they believe it's a game, like some corrida, in the arena, in this mad world where everyone is prettier than me smarter than me better than me attacking me, a mad bull, going in circles, hopeless, this world goes in circles for no reason, and there's no reason i don't follow the pattern, they wanted a response, they got it, it's the law of the universe, no one changes, nothing changes, no one matures, or learns about their mistakes, not even me, this world is a circus where everyone watches, the beasts like me flailing around, i am the joke, and they'll keep me alive, like the bull in the arena, as long as i'm funny to them, as long as my anger, my tears, my silence, is their source of distraction, i am ugly, i hate everything about myself, this masquerade, this make-up, this clown mask, i can't take it off, no one would accept the real me, i can't defend myself because this is what they want, my retaliation, if i stay silent, i'm hurting myself, if i hurt others, they keep going on harder ; nothing changes under the sun, people were stupid, are stupid, will be stupid, no one changes under the sun, i am a pariah, a nobody, i am the sad clown in a mad circus, wishing the corrida was over, wishing i was dead, but as long as they need me, the game isn't over. oh, i wish the game was over.

[theuncannystories]

insomnia

i can't sleep no matter how tired i am, my eyes will not drift away morpheus doesn't take me into her arms she cursed me with a drill a drill in my head, saying "you can't sleep" it's not a pretty thing, a quirk, but a debilitating thought, constant taking every awoken moment and turning it into torture ; "how much time until i pass out ?" "will i manage to sleep enough tonight ?" "do i sleep enough ?" my body is restless, doesn't send me the cues of going to bed ; i force myself to it, closing my eyes, praying that this anxiety won't show up tonight but i know it will show up anyways and it shows up anyways every concious moment thinking about sleep dreaming about sleep dreams turning into nightmares messy bedsheets and equally messy hair i guess i won't have no time to brush it today foggy thoughts and foggy days regretting the fact that maybe, i should have gone to be earlier, but in the corner, morpheus, triumphant, says eagerly, "you won't sleep tonight either."