vent space -- do not reblog my original posts

main lizparkcr. Just vent space, nothing tagged i will block you if you reblog my original posts. if i reblog from you it's ok to follow, but like obviously you shouldnt feel obliged 

[theventspaceblog]

I hate that my ex is happy. Where the fuck is your lesson?

[warmshrine-deactivated20230929]

How To Stop Being Jealous Of People Who Get All The Opportunities That My Trauma And Mental Illness Denied Me

[theventspaceblog]

i guess this is part of living and getting onto the path of making deeper connections and relying on people and opening up? i guess it was always going to be really really painful but  i wish i didnt miss her so much i just want ot see her i just want to talk to her it hurts so mjch and i dont know why tonight its so bad its so bad i just want tosmeone to take care of me i want to feel relief at telling someone the last time i felt that was when i was a kid and then i started to bottle it all up and it fuckking rotted me away and now i have to try to figure this out on my own i dont

[theventspaceblog]

the one person i could be honest with is gone and i still hate myself i dont ?? i hate how i spoke to no one and i didnt let on to anything and i got hit by that fucking car and everyone forgot about it like my pain doesnt matter but its only beccause i refused to make a big deal out of it because i didnt know how and now i hate that i hate not telling people it doesn’t feel good anymore it just feels lonely and the one person i talked to is gone i miss marta more than i have ever missed anyone i dont know how to deal with htis i mis her i miss her so smuch and im starting to fforget the conversations we had and its too much i dont want to forget i dont know what to do i mean will this pass? i need it to pass. it doesnt feel raw all the time anymore but at times it does like now and it feels so bad its so bad i dont know what to do i mean obviously im just going to carry on and try and grow by myself but i refuse to be that person who ssays their ok when theyre clearly not for no fucking reason other than they dont know how ill fucking try to find a way because i cant be that person 

[theventspaceblog]

its unfair i was cut off from seeing marta its unfair my ex gets to move on and i’ve only just begun to see real results in my recover after four years its unfair they get to be free and i got to be buried 

[theventspaceblog]

really just want to cry in someones arms 

[theventspaceblog]

i cant stop crying 

[deadwatered]

I don’t know how many times I’ve survived myself, without telling anyone else.

deadwatered 

[theventspaceblog]

it’s ok PTSD doesn’t go away just like trauma so the symptoms will be back when the time comes -- when something so wonderful is developing and everything you have is giving everything it’s got to urge you into unreal situations instead of living the real ones. you’ll still be idealising the pain and clawing at yourself to ask before assuming. maybe this is the real pitfall, thinking things are all better now because clearly you’re still not right. it’s not right to cling to trauma and that relief upon realising it won’t go away on its own isn’t right. but the thought that it could be PTSD and no one has told me like no one cares is sour enough for me to look up online tests. still not going to tell anyone though, my symptoms are just overlapping, and they’re barely even symptoms anymore -- what happens when symptoms become part of your personality? what happens when your mind is freer but you know you’re always going to be affected? no one’s told me what happens and the only person who might have is gone gone forever and it’s far too long a story and I don’t have the patience anymore I don’t have to think about it anymore. apart from when I remember my spite and resentment and hurt

is being despicable better when you accept it? maybe it’s just better for me. I don’t have the intensity to hate myself. I’ve forgiven myself and haven’t fully forgiven everyone else but I don’t know how to get everything on the same level i don’t know. I’m free to know that I don’t have to, I’m free not to think about it, I’m free to move on. I don’t know if I will though, not if it doesn’t go away and not if it comes back. I’m realising the problem here, or just torturing myself imagining all the hypothetical pain there is at stake here. have to make a grab for it or it might fade away for no one to see

[theventspaceblog]

im just getting upset about imaginary things again

[theventspaceblog]

i struggle so unbelievably with being honest about how i feel i know i would drive someone up the fucking wall if i was with them because i hate that in other people it seems so simple to tell the truth but its so fucking hard i hate living like this 

[theventspaceblog]

my fear of letting anyone else in is just really hitting me full force tonight. 

[theventspaceblog]

all i know is that my abuse n upbringing has developed this complex where i have to be seen to know exactly what im doing at all times but im still hopelessly lost and unable to ask for help because im afraid of caring about anyone too much because all that’s done is facilitate manipulation and abuse

[meangirlnurse]

i think sometimes trauma survivors fall into this place where it’s very hard to believe that anything that happened to you was that bad. and the only proof you have that it was that bad is that you’re suffering. and so healing can be really scary and difficult because it means giving up the only tangible evidence you have that you were traumatized in the first place 

[whospilledthebongwater]

You know you’ve really been through some shit when you’re constantly more worried about how someone will react to you presenting an issue you have with them than you are about the thing that upset you in the first place

[whospilledthebongwater]

Didn’t expect this post to be relevant to so many people, damn

[inhale-the-frost]

Hi this is a symptom of abuse and its so shitty to deal with

[theventspaceblog]

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[theventspaceblog]

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