you are a catholic who is doubtful of Lottie’s prophet status. she takes you to a hot spring and suddenly you understand her power very well.
could be considered slight non con because it’s possible the cave air was intoxicating or the wilderness influenced you but also there’s some non verbal consent check ins so it really depends on your comfort with that :)
Lottie had become a sort of wilderness Jesus and it didn’t sit well with your Catholic heart. You weren’t even really that Catholic, that was more your mom’s thing, but it all felt rather sacrilegious.
You understood half the team becoming lesbians, but lesbian pagans? You didn’t even know how you were going to confess when you got back.
You still prayed before meals, did Hail Mary’s and prayed the rosary. It was more comforting than anything, especially after Laura Lee’s bible had burned in the fire. It also made you a target for Lottie’s evangelism. You didn’t know what was going on with the cult stuff the other girls were getting up to but you tried to stay out of it. If they needed that to stay (mostly) sane out here then they were free to do it. You just wished they felt the same.
Lottie had been peer-pressuring you into trying drugs. You drank the weird wine but that was like communion or thanksgiving. And you ate the weird soup Misty poisoned but it made you really sleepy and you passed out before whatever thing happened that night that set off the chain of events that led you here. That night had somehow given Lottie a spiritual control over the group that you had only ever seen the Pope have.
Poor Travis had been her main plaything recently. It was sad because his family had attended your parish. They were mostly an Easter/Christmas mass family but they were good people. He didn’t ever join you in prayer anymore.
Lottie could very well be the devil, you thought. She was exactly how he was supposed to appear. Charming, illusive, beautiful. She looked at your rosary like it was an annoying joke you had told too many times. She didn’t even respect it enough to have contempt.
Lottie was on one today. She had an early morning session with Travis and he had come back looking drained and guilty. She had a conversation with Akilah that obviously wound them both up. It seemed like her warpath was set on you next.
She approached you while you were weaving a basket. You had gotten good at making vines and softer sticks into useful things.
She looked at you with that hazy look in her eye, smiling at you but also past you. “You’ve done well with what the wilderness has given you. You’ve made yourself useful, beautiful.”
In a plain tone, you replied, “I’m assuming you’re talking about the baskets. Thanks, Lottie.” You figured the acknowledgment would be enough for her to move on but she kept staring at you. You broke first and asked, “Can I help you with anything?”
“Come with me. I want to show you something.” She held out her hand like you would just take it. Crazy bitch.
You looked at her then her hand and back to her again. “Uh…I’m good. Thanks.” You put on a slight smile while looking down at your baskets to placate her but she remained unmoving.
“It’s a special place. I was told you deserved it first.”
And…life had gotten so damn boring that your interest was peaked. There was no gossip about Holly Stein doing anal, there were no telenovelas to watch, your cousin's wedding had been planned and had by this point. Surviving was monotonous and novelty was a currency out here. One Lottie had riches in.
She knew from the look on your face that you were interested. You were too inquisitive for your own good. You sighed and got up on your own, refusing to take her hand.
“Is it far? I want to get back before the temperature drops tonight.” Fall was in full swing and nights were getting colder.
“No, it’s not too far. And no worries, it will be warm there.” Cryptic bitch, you thought.
“Whatever, Lottie. Let’s just get this over with.”
Despite your obvious lack of enthusiasm, Lottie was doing her little excited hops. You thought they were a cute quirk before the crash but they seemed psychotic when they were only solicited by blood and chaos now. And you agreeing to go off into the woods with her.
You both set off into the woods silently. You walked long enough that you almost called it and turned around. You kept walking until she stopped at the mouth of a cave. She walked in without looking back to check if you were following, confident you wouldn’t let her go in a strange cave alone.
You begrudgingly went along. It only took a couple of steps for the atmosphere to change. This cave felt warm and humid, a contrast to the autumn air.
Lottie kept going until you came upon a small hot spring. It looked inviting, steaming like your uncle's hot tub.
“It told me you would like it here, that it would help you.”
“Ok, what does that mean?”
“You’ll see.” Lottie squatted next to the spring and skimmed her piano player fingers across the top of the water. “Or you won’t. But you’ll feel it, even if you don’t.” She kept looking at the ripples her fingers made. When she stood, she untied her cloak.
You furrow your brows at the weird rhyme. “What the fuck does that even mean?”
She looked up at you with that coy little smile like she knew something you didn’t. The most perplexing part is she probably did. “It’s not for you to understand, just focus on feeling. You’ll feel good.”
Before you could question her more she started taking off her top. “Whoa! Why are you stripping?” You covered your eyes. It’s not like nudity was odd out here but none of you made the habit of getting naked in plain eye for no reason.
“We have to be naked. You can’t wear clothes in the spring, silly.” Her giggles echoed off the cave walls.
You thought about resisting but you figured the more you complied, the less time this would take. And besides, a warm bath didn’t sound too terrible. After seasons of bathing in the chilly lake or with rags dipped into lukewarm bath water, even an awkward skinny dip in a forest jacuzzi was appealing.
When you peeked back out, Lottie was already nude. She had always had one of the best bodies on the team. Full breasts and a natural hourglass figure that curved her hips in a way most girls were jealous of. She had muscular thighs, even after all the starvation. The wilderness provides a voice in your head supples. What the hell?
You couldn’t linger on any thought too particularly long because a nude Lottie was walking towards you in a way that made you thoughtless. She slinked towards you like a mountain lion. Energy coiled and tense like a snake. She put her hands at the hem of your shirt and lifted it above your head. She put the shirt with her cloak.
You went to cover your chest in a self-conscious way but she grabbed your wrists firmly, holding onto them while looking in your eyes in a way that you couldn’t decipher but felt its intensity.
When she was sure you would keep your hands where she wanted them, she went to unbutton your jeans. You hadn’t been undressed like this, by someone else, in a long time. It wasn’t in the way you had been craving in the back of your mind but your breath hitched like it was.
If Lottie heard, she didn’t react. Just unzipped your fly and pushed the pants down. She went lower, untied your shoes and held the bottoms as you stepped out of them both.
You thought she would be done, you could just stay in your panties and it would be like swimming at a European beach but Lottie hooked her fingers on the sides of your underwear and pulled back the tired elastic just so. She looked into your eyes to sense any real hesitation before she pulled them low enough on your thighs to let them drop. Finally, she raised your rosary above your head and put it with the rest of your clothes.
You couldn’t think straight after that. You should feel way more awkward than you did. It didn’t feel wrong, though, it just felt like a lot. Maybe the humid cave air was messing with your head.
She put her hands back on your wrists and just rubbed circles on the inside of them for a second. Spirals, the same voice in your head throws out. What the hell?
She keeps your wrists in her hands as she walks backward like she has no fear that an errant rock could trip her, like she has faith that her steps will always land in the exact right place. She keeps her eyes on you as she takes a step backwards down into the spring and lets out a content sigh when she gets both legs in. Her looking at you while she made that noise had your stomach feeling funny.
She kept walking backwards into the clear water, taking you in with her. The water was only deep enough to kiss your belly buttons but there was a rock ledge halfway up that made a natural bench. When she guided you there to sit, the hot water covered your chests up to the collarbones. Lottie had lovely collarbones, which you had never noticed until now.
The water felt great. Like a long-forgotten luxury your brain hadn’t let you remember. You were so spoiled before all of this. Your 30-minute hot showers felt so far away.
“So…what are we supposed to do now.” You chuckled nervously because she kept staring at you.
The corner of her mouth ticked up. “I want you to feel.”
You didn’t know what that meant. You felt out of breath even though you were resting. You felt comfortable even though you were sitting on random rocks. You felt safe even though you were with a girl you were half convinced was possessed by the devil like twenty minutes ago. You felt a bone-deep warmth you hadn’t felt for a long time in this mostly dark cave.
You couldn’t say any of that out loud but Lottie looked at you like you had. The understanding and empathetic stare seemed so focused now. Focused on you.
She put her hand on your unclothed thigh underwater. You could’ve backed away but you didn’t. She palmed it and squeezed gently. Her thumb started to make the same spiral she made on your wrists. It left you nearly panting. The water was so warm.
Lottie was murmuring something under her breath but you couldn’t quite make out the words. You should probably ask but her mouth was much more interesting to look at than it ever seemed before. Your thigh was still in her grip and it felt like an epicenter.
She shifted to fully face you and took a wet hand and ran it through your hair. She cupped your cheek after and her thumb rested underneath your eye. She raised her volume and said “Your eyes see things others can’t. It knows and rewards you for it.” She kissed the cheek her hand wasn’t on. “It wants you. It wants you to be more open.”
You usually had a coherent argument but you couldn’t disagree. You just felt like what she was saying had to be right. You were wrong this entire time. Usually being wrong sets you on edge but you felt happy to be incorrect. Like you were holding onto a sadness until now that had dissolved into the spring.
“How do I do that?” You wanted to know better. You wanted to be better.
“Just feel.” She sounded as breathless as you were. Lottie stood from the bench and moved in front of you to face you head-on. You had to look up at her slightly despite the bench being high and the middle of the spring being the deepest. She was so tall.
Her hand moved in, towards your inner thigh. You spread them without thinking. The spring got warmer and steam was sizzling in the air. It thanks you for being open, the voice says.
Her hand lingered there, on your inner thigh. She looked at you while her other hand slid up, cupped your breast and lightly squeezed. She waited for the reaction. You didn’t do much until she started thumbing your nipple and you start gasping quietly. She seemed satisfied by that. Your little noises were like sacrifices at an altar. Probably better if Lottie’s personal opinions were taken into account.
“There we go. You’re doing so good.”
“Why does it want this?”
“Because you deserve to feel good. You make such beautiful things. You’re such a beautiful thing. You please it without knowing.” Her smile made you gulp. “Imagine how you could please if you tried.”
She put the hand that was on your thigh where you wanted it, finally. She rubbed her fingers against you where it felt the best. Your noises were echoing off the cave walls and resonating like some kind of choir. It sounded holy to both of you.
She was moving her hands in tandem, stimulating your nipples and clitoris in a way you didn’t know was possible. It was so much better than when you were alone, leaning up against a tree, hoping Nat didn’t try to come find you.
It was all becoming too much. The pleasure, the sensitivity, the connection. To Lottie or the wilderness, you weren’t sure. Maybe it was the same thing. Your consciousness felt raw and open, merging with everything. You’re doing good, the voice chimed in. Was Lottie or something else? You didn’t know. It didn’t matter now. Maybe never did.
Lottie sat down on your thigh and started grinding onto it. It only made everything better. The still pool now had waves splashing out the sides. The energy spilling over. Outside the wind picked up and the leaves danced.
Feeling Lottie hump and clench on you pushed you over an edge. She rubbed you faster and didn’t let up. You were making this high-pitched sound she found adorable. She wanted you to spill more.
She could tell you were about to climax, she kept her fast stimulation in time with her grinding. She didn’t need much physical touch to get there. Not when you were open and needy like this. Not when she had wanted this for so long.
You got louder until you got quieter. Your thighs tried to clench but Lottie kept them apart with her strong legs. Your back pulled away from the edge of the spring and when the waves were almost done washing over you, you looked up at Lottie and they kept going.
Lottie reached her peak once she saw this. She kept rubbing until you were sensitive and then she roughly stuffed her fingers in your mouth while riding out the last of it on your thigh. It felt like first communion, the body and blood all in one.
You both panted into the cave's air. You had to breathe around her fingers but it was fine. You didn’t need oxygen right now.
Lottie pet your hair until she was able to stand up. “Just wait here, I’ll help you up in a second.” She took her fingers out of your mouth and pushed herself out of the water. She came back with the cloak she had dropped before. She helped you out of the spring and onto your shaky legs. She wrapped her cloak around your naked frame and rubbed up and down your arms until you had drip-dried enough to put on your clothes. She helped you into them.
She put her hand on the small of your back and led you slowly to the mouth of the cave. The wind was brisker than when you went in. Or maybe you were just wet. She still guided you with that hand on your back.
“What was that?” You had to ask now that the heat of the moment had gone.
“What?”
“I don’t know? The skinny dipping? Us getting to third base? The weird voice?” With a clearer mind, in the sunlight, it occurred to you that everything that had occurred over the last thirty minutes was preposterous. You kept walking though, subconsciously listening to the hand telling you to keep forward.
“You heard a voice? Yay! It speaks to you!”
She sounded so happy that you kinda didn’t want to push it anymore.
You felt that feeling you felt back in the cave. Happy you were wrong. Happy to make her happy. What the hell?
You were hesitant to ask, it felt like submitting to something. “Is that what you hear? Was it the wilderness?” It sounded stupid coming out of your mouth but it felt real back there. As real as everything else that had happened.
“Yes! I knew it liked you. It’s why I’ve always liked you.” She smiled almost like she used to. Almost showing her molars it was so wide.
“So…will it want us to do it again?” You couldn’t hide how hopeful you sounded. It had all felt so good.
“Of course! Pleasing you pleased it. I think we should do it every day after breakfast if we can.” And yeah, you could pencil that in between basket weaving and herb picking. That could work.
“If that’s what…it wants.”
“It is.”
You both came up on camp and she kept her hand on your back. She walked you to her hut and told you to lay down on her bed roll. You didn’t question why hers and not yours.
And if she was walking around, wearing the shirt you had on earlier, fiddling with the cross you used to wear around your neck faithfully, the other girls didn’t say anything about it. Yet
pls like/comment if you enjoyed it, i love seeing people’s thoughts/reactions :)
ummmm….a Lottie one shot may have turned into dirty cave sex. i think the wilderness may have influenced it or something. stay tuned because it will be up shortly!
warnings: graphic depictions of cannibalism and discussion of consuming human flesh, severe psychological trauma and mental health issues , graphic descriptions of vomiting/illness, discussions of grief and death, brief mention of potential suicidal ideation, emotional distress, and existential horror.
note(s): tai: "so where the hell are we gonna get food?" lottie: "we're gonna dig up y/n's dead girlfriend!" y/n: "yeah, dumbass, we're gonna dig up- dig up y/n's dead girlfriend?!?!??"
The world returns in fragments—voices filtering through darkness, the sting of cold against your face, hands gripping your shoulders. You register movement, being half-carried back toward the cabin, someone murmuring reassurances that don't penetrate the fog of horror enveloping your mind.
"Get her inside," Tai's voice cuts through the haze, authoritative even in crisis.
Your stomach lurches again as they maneuver you through the doorway. You twist violently in their grasp, desperate to avoid fouling the cabin floor.
"She's gonna be sick again," Mari warns, just as you double over.
Someone thrusts a bucket beneath your chin just in time, and you empty whatever's left in your stomach—bile mostly, burning your throat and bringing tears to your eyes. A hand holds your hair back; another rubs circles between your shoulder blades.
"It's okay," Travis murmurs from somewhere above you. "Get it all out."
When the heaving finally subsides, you're guided to your sleeping area, hands gently pressing you down onto your makeshift bed. A cup appears at your lips—water, blessed water to wash away the acrid taste. You sip gratefully, hands trembling too badly to hold the cup yourself.
Through tear-blurred vision, you make out faces hovering around you—concerned, wary, exchanging glances loaded with meaning you can't decipher. The cabin has gone unnaturally quiet, everyone waiting for whatever comes next.
"What happened?" Tai finally asks, her voice uncharacteristically gentle.
You open your mouth, but the words lodge in your throat. How do you articulate the horror unfolding in your mind? The memories bursting through barriers you didn't know you'd constructed?
"Jackie," you manage, the name barely a whisper.
Something passes between them—a look, a silent conversation flowing above your head. Confusion crawls through your fog of panic.
"She remembered," Lottie says from somewhere to your left, her voice strangely calm. "What we did."
You turn toward her voice, finding her perched on the edge of a nearby trunk, her expression serene despite the tension crackling through the room.
"What are you talking about?" you rasp, though part of you already knows—the part that's been drowning in repressed memories since you stepped outside.
No one speaks. The silence stretches, taut with unspoken truths.
"Someone fucking tell me," you demand, voice gaining strength born of desperation. "Tell me I didn't... that we didn't..."
"Know what?" The words tear from your throat, edged with hysteria.
Another exchange of glances, another silent communication from which you're excluded. Then Van steps forward, crouching beside your bed.
"After Jackie died," she begins carefully, "things got pretty bad. Food was scarce, and we were all starving, and—"
"No." You shake your head violently, as if the physical motion can dispel the horror taking shape. "No, we buried her. We waited for the ground to thaw and we buried her."
Van's eyes are soft with pity. "We didn't bury her, Y/N."
Your name in her mouth somehow makes it worse—makes it real in a way nothing else has. You pull away, pressing yourself against the wall.
"You're lying," you insist, gaze darting from face to face, searching for someone to contradict her. "We wouldn't... I wouldn't..."
"It was your idea," Lottie says, the simple statement falling like a stone into still water.
Your breath catches. "What?"
"Not exactly," Tai interjects quickly, shooting Lottie a warning look. "It wasn't like that."
"Then what was it like?" The question emerges as a plea, begging for an explanation that could somehow make sense of the fragments surfacing in your mind.
Tai sighs, settling on the floor beside your bed. "We were starving. Really starving. The hunting had failed for days, and the last of our rations were gone. Jackie was... she was already gone. Her body was just—"
"Meat," you finish, the word tasting like poison.
Tai nods once, her expression grim. "It was about survival. We all agreed."
"Including me." It's not a question anymore.
"You were... different after Jackie died," Travis offers hesitantly. "Not really yourself."
"Different how?" Despite the dread pooling in your stomach, you need to know.
Travis looks to Tai, clearly uncomfortable with being the messenger. Tai meets your gaze steadily.
"You were obsessed with her body," she says bluntly. "You wouldn't let us move her at first. You'd sit with her for hours, talking to her like she was still there. You'd arrange her hair, fix her clothes."
The memory surfaces unbidden—Jackie's frost-stiffened fingers in yours, combing through her tangled hair with a makeshift brush, carefully braiding the strands while chattering about nothing, everything, as if she could still hear you.
"You'd dress her up," Mari adds softly. "Change her outfits. Put that lipstick we found in her bag on her."
Your stomach lurches again, but there's nothing left to expel. "Oh god."
"When we finally decided to... use her body," Tai continues carefully, "you were the one who volunteered to... prepare her."
The knife in your hand. Blood on snow. The weight of flesh being carved from bone. Your breath comes in short, painful gasps as the memories assault you.
"Stop," you plead, pressing your palms against your eyes as if you could physically block the images. "Please stop."
A hand touches your shoulder—Lottie, moved from her perch to kneel beside you. "The wilderness provides," she says softly. "Jackie provided. There's no shame in that."
You recoil from her touch, something primal and panicked clawing at your insides. "Don't. Don't fucking touch me."
Lottie withdraws her hand but remains close, her eyes locked on yours with that same unnerving intensity from the forest. "You didn't do anything wrong."
A bitter laugh escapes you. "I ate the woman I loved, but sure, no big deal, right?" The words hang in the silence, your declaration of love for Jackie spoken aloud for the first time. "Where's Shauna?"
The question seems to catch them off guard, heads turning to scan the cabin. Shauna is nowhere to be seen.
"She was just here," Van says, frowning. "She helped bring you in."
The realization dawns slowly, a new horror layering over the first. "She knew," you whisper. "She knew I didn't remember."
No one contradicts you. The silence is confirmation enough.
"Why didn't any of you tell me?" Your voice cracks on the question. "Why let me go on thinking—believing—"
"We thought you knew," Natalie interrupts, looking genuinely confused. "You were there. You participated. You ate the same meals as the rest of us."
"I don't remember!" The shout tears from your throat. "I don't remember any of it! The meals, the... preparation. None of it!"
"That's not possible," Tai says skeptically. "You were functional. You talked, you worked, you—"
"I don't remember the first few weeks after she died," you insist, desperation lending strength to your voice. "It's all... fragmented. Blurry. I thought it was grief, or shock, or..." You trail off, the implication of your words sinking in.
"Dissociation," Lottie supplies calmly. "Your mind protected you from what you couldn't handle."
"Until now," you finish bitterly. "Until I fucked you in the same shed where we..." You can't complete the sentence, nausea rising again at the connection your mind has made.
Lottie doesn't flinch at your crudeness. "The body remembers what the mind tries to forget."
"Jesus, Lottie, give it a rest with the fortune cookie wisdom," Natalie snaps, then turns to you. "Look, this is fucked up. The whole situation is fucked up. But none of us knew you'd blocked it out."
You shake your head, trying to reconcile their version of events with the gaping holes in your memory. "I thought we buried her," you repeat, softer now. "I had this... this mental image of us digging a grave when the ground thawed. Saying goodbye."
"We did have a ceremony," Van offers gently. "After. We said words for her, thanked her for... for helping us survive. It was Lottie's idea."
"A ritual," Lottie corrects. "To honor her sacrifice."
The door opens before you can respond, a gust of cold air preceding Shauna as she slips inside. Her eyes find you immediately, widening slightly at your conscious state. She looks different somehow—younger, vulnerable in a way you rarely see.
"Hey," she says awkwardly, hovering by the door. "You're awake."
"Where were you?" The question comes out sharper than intended.
Shauna shifts uncomfortably. "Just needed some air."
"Right," you reply, a bitter edge creeping into your voice. "Me too."
A tense silence falls. Tai stands, motioning to the others. "Let's give them a minute," she suggests, though it's clearly an order rather than a request.
One by one, they filter away to various corners of the cabin, providing the illusion of privacy in a space too small for secrets. Only Lottie lingers, her gaze flicking between you and Shauna with undisguised interest.
"Lottie," Tai says pointedly. "Come on."
With visible reluctance, Lottie rises, her fingertips brushing your arm as she leaves—a touch so brief you might have imagined it. Shauna watches the interaction, her expression tightening before she approaches, taking the spot Lottie vacated.
"You knew," you say without preamble, keeping your voice low enough that it won't carry to the others. "You knew I didn't remember."
Shauna doesn't deny it. "I suspected," she admits. "The way you talked about Jackie, about... after. It didn't line up."
"And you didn't think to mention it?" The hurt in your voice is unmistakable. "To say, 'Hey, by the way, we ate your dead girlfriend'?"
"Your relationship wasn't exactly public," Shauna replies automatically, then winces at her own tone. "Sorry. That wasn't... I didn't mean—"
"Whatever." You turn away, facing the wall. "Just go away."
"Y/N, please." Her hand lands on your shoulder, gentle but insistent. "I thought I was protecting you."
"Protecting me?" You twist back to face her, incredulous. "By letting me live in a fantasy world where my biggest crime was leaving her body in the snow?"
"You were broken after she died," Shauna says quietly. "You'd sit with her body for hours, talking to her, brushing her hair like she was a doll. You weren't eating, weren't sleeping. We were afraid you'd—" She stops, swallowing hard.
"Kill myself?" you finish for her.
Her eyes answer you, never leaving yours. "Then the food ran out. Everyone was getting desperate. Lottie suggested that Jackie... that her body could..."
"And I volunteered," you supply, the memory surfacing like something dead rising to the water's surface. "To cut her up."
Shauna flinches at your bluntness but doesn't contradict you. "You said it should be someone who loved her. That she'd want to help us survive."
A hysterical laugh bubbles up your throat. "That's rich. I'm sure she'd be thrilled to know we treated her like a fucking Sunday roast."
"It wasn't like that," Shauna insists, her voice dropping even lower. "It was... respectful. As much as it could be."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" The tears you've been fighting finally spill over, hot trails down cold cheeks. "That we said grace before tearing into her like a bunch of paganists?"
Shauna's hand finds yours, gripping it tightly despite your half-hearted attempt to pull away. "We thought you'd processed it."
"I forgot it," you correct bitterly. "Locked it away in some dark corner of my mind where I wouldn't have to look at it."
Shauna's thumb traces circles on your palm, the gesture achingly familiar. "Why tonight?"
You close your eyes, seeing again the congealed stew, feeling the texture on your tongue. "The food. Something about tonight's dinner just... connected."
Shauna is quiet for a long moment, her hand still holding yours. "The way you talked about Jackie... it was like you had this whole narrative in your head about what happened after she died. A story where we honored her properly, buried her, moved on naturally."
"And you just let me believe it." The hurt resurfaces, sharper now.
"At first, I wasn't sure," Shauna admits. "I thought maybe you were just... I don't know, coping differently. But then that fight we had yesterday, when you asked about the baby..." She trails off, shaking her head. "I realized you really didn't remember. But by then, you were already so angry with me, and then with Lottie, you were—"
You pull your hand from hers, a new memory surfacing. "The baby."
Shauna's expression shutters.
"You still never told me what happened..." Your words hang between you, loaded with implications neither of you is ready to face.
"Please don't," Shauna whispers, echoing your own plea from earlier. "Please don't ask me that. I can't go through this conversation again. Not tonight. Not when you're already dealing with..." She gestures vaguely, encompassing the situation, your breakdown, everything.
The refusal should anger you—another secret, another piece of truth withheld. Instead, an odd calm settles over you, a numbness that's almost comforting in its completeness.
"Okay," you agree, surprising yourself as much as her. "Not tonight."
Relief flashes across her face, quickly followed by wariness, as if she doesn't quite trust your acquiescence. "Are you... how are you feeling?"
"How am I feeling?" You repeat the question with a hollow laugh. "I just found out I ate someone I loved. Processing that might take a minute."
Shauna winces but doesn't back down. "Do you need anything? Water? More blankets?"
The normalcy of the offer—its domestic banality in the face of your horrific revelation—strikes you as absurdly funny. A giggle escapes you, then another, building quickly into semi-hysterical laughter that you can't seem to control.
Shauna watches with growing alarm. "Y/N? Hey, it's okay. Just breathe."
"It's really not okay," you gasp between fits of laughter that are rapidly transforming into sobs. "It's so far from okay that okay isn't even visible from here."
Arms wrap around you suddenly—Shauna pulling you against her chest, holding you through the storm of emotions. You should push her away, maintain the anger that's been your shield since returning to the cabin. Instead, you collapse into her embrace, sobs wracking your body as the full weight of reality crashes down.
"I ate her," you choke out against Shauna's shoulder. "I ate Jackie."
"We all did," Shauna murmurs, her hands making soothing motions across your back. "We survived because of her."
The distinction feels meaningless in the face of your guilt, but you cling to Shauna anyway, desperate for any anchor in the storm of your fractured memories.
"I loved her," you whisper, the admission worn smooth with repetition in your mind but rarely spoken aloud.
"I know," Shauna says softly. "She knew too."
Something in her tone makes you pull back slightly, studying her face. "And I love you."
Her eyes meet yours, something vulnerable and raw in their depths. "You should get some rest."
The dismissal hangs between you, neither reciprocation nor rejection but something in between.
"You're right..." you say, exhaustion suddenly washing over you.
The plea in her voice tugs at something in your chest. "I won't."
"Promise?"
"Promise." The word feels binding in a way few things have since the crash upended your world.
Shauna nods, seeming satisfied. She starts to rise, but your hand tightens on hers, keeping her in place.
"Stay?" The request slips out before you can reconsider it. "Just... I don't want to be alone with my thoughts right now."
She hesitates only briefly before settling back beside you. "I'll stay."
Across the cabin, you catch Lottie watching, her expression unreadable in the firelit shadows. She inclines her head slightly when your eyes meet—acknowledgment without challenge. Whatever existed between you in the forest, in the meat shed, feels distant now, overshadowed by the horrors unearthed from your own mind.
You lean against Shauna, allowing your eyes to close, hoping for the oblivion of sleep without dreams. The memories will still be there tomorrow, waiting to be examined, processed, somehow integrated into your understanding of yourself. For now, though, there's just the warmth of human contact, the steady rhythm of Shauna's breathing, and the fragile promise of not facing the darkness alone.
"You'll be okay," Shauna whispers, her lips brushing your hair. "We both will."
You don't answer, don't point out the hollowness of such assurances in the face of your collective trauma. Instead, you let yourself believe it, just for tonight—a comforting fiction to cling to while the truth settles its weight upon your shoulders.
Outside, the wind howls through bare trees, a sound too similar to human keening. Inside, wrapped in Shauna's arms, you finally surrender to exhaustion, sliding into darkness with Jackie's name on your lips and the taste of memory like ashes on your tongue and you can't help but feel a wave of deja vu wash over you.
soooooo, basically you’re close friends with nat and you’re both gay :)
You don’t know why you were even chosen for this. You weren’t the second best shot, Travis was. He should be hiking out to the middle of nowhere where right now, not you. Also, he was a boy and this felt like boy stuff.
Travis was being difficult but no one could give him a particularly hard time about it. Seeing Coach skewered on a tree freaked you all out but it devastated Travis. He wasn’t like this before. He would never be the same.
Coach Ben volunteered you to accompany Natalie on the hunt, he said solo hunting parties were dangerous when hiking that far out. Natalie tried to convince him it was fine but he held firm.
And, yeah, it hurt that Natalie had basically refused to spend time with you alone the entire time you had been stuck in these god-forsaken woods. Especially because she was the one who kissed you.
Natalie didn’t have a car so you gave her rides to things sometimes. Your parents liked to live a little ways from town so you were only a couple of streets over from the trailer park Natalie and Van lived in. You had offered them both a ride but only Natalie accepted, Van had been getting rides from Taissa recently even though you knew Taissa lived by the school. But whatever, if they thought they were being slick with their queer little looks, you would play along. Can’t throw rocks in glass houses and all that.
Usually, it was fun to ride there and back together. You would get slurpees on the way back and Natalie’s parents didn’t care about you guys smoking weed on their porch. That’s the only nice thing you had to say about either of them.
The ride there was standard. Natalie and you always looked a little funny together. You were pretty square, wore whatever your mom got you from the GAP every season. Natalie was something else entirely. She didn’t have much more but she had an identity. You were sometimes envious of that about her. She didn’t feel all this pressure to not be herself.
You got to the party and Natalie went off with her alternative friends. They were apparently trying to score acid but you doubted that ginger kid she hung around wouldn’t get ripped off with some tissue paper. You never drank but you smoked a little, early enough for it to wear off by the time you had to drive home. You wouldn’t want to wrap yourself around a tree the night before nationals.
Shauna and Taissa got into some kind of catfight. Shauna always got confrontational when she was drunk. She kept everything too bottled up sober to not. Jackie tried to fix it but there was no fixing the fact that Taissa subconsciously crippled a freshman.
You were trying to catch Natalie’s eye, you usually would make eye contact when Jackie was acting like an 80s high school rom-com protagonist but she was staring off into space and giggling. Jesus Christ. That ginger managed to score acid.
You got pulled away from the team huddle by some baseball boys you were cool with, they offered you some wine coolers and a ride home but you declined. You weren’t ditching Natalie like this (and you kinda thought they were pigs who were only good for getting joints).
Eventually, you got back to Natalie where she was transfixed on the bonfire. She was mumbling things about Misty Quigley and the Olympics. You just hoped she came down in time for Nationals.
“Come on, let’s get you home.” She didn’t react until you put your hand on her shoulder. She jumped but settled when she realized it was you and smiled. The weed must’ve been strong because you felt floaty all of a sudden again.
She kept looking at you for a little before she stood up. She didn’t follow you until you grabbed her hand to guide her to your car. The person next to you parked like shit so you had to crawl over her in the passenger seat to get to the drivers. She grabbed onto your hips and tried to help you into your seat but it made you feel less coordinated for some reason. You’d really have to get one of those boys to get you more of that weed when you got back.
When you went to shift gears, Nat put her hand on yours. You assumed she was just feeling the LSD and wanted some connection so you let her have it. She was still giggling occasionally, you didn’t know what about. She started tracing her fingers on your palm but you couldn’t make out what she was drawing or writing. Maybe it was just the tactile sensation she wanted.
After a while, you pulled up next to her trailer. She didn’t rush to get out. You didn’t mind if she wanted to stay and talk, you’d always be happy to talk to Natalie, even if she was drugged up and incoherent.
She took a deep breath and turned to face you. You were already looking at her. She was just so cool, it almost hurt. That jacket she never took off, except for practice, looked almost blue in the motion-activated lights.
You thought she was going to say something. Maybe something funny but knowing Nat, it could be something accidentally profound. Instead, she reached over the console and kissed you. Closed mouth, chaste, but a real kiss. She was still holding your hand and everything. You were going to push her away but she backed up first. You thought she would look freaked out but she was still looking at you expectantly. That same look as when she slides her Slurpee next to yours at the counter and just knows you’ll pay for it.
You’re gonna pay for this, you thought to yourself.
“You’re high, Nat. You didn’t mean that.” You nervously chuckle, all of a sudden half hoping she did.
Natalie obviously didn’t see anything awkward or out of place. She was still holding your hand for Christ’s sake. She was smiling at you like you were just the sweetest thing.
“I liked it though.” So cheeky, always. So herself.
You looked down at your joined hands, why hadn’t you let go yet? Why hadn’t she? You liked it too and that scared you.
“Yeah, but Coach Ben talked about how when you’re drunk, you shouldn’t really do stuff with people because they don’t know what they're doing and I’m pretty sure that extends to acid, y’know?
Her voice was all low and gravelly. “So if I wasn’t tripping, you’d come inside?”
“I’m going to assume you didn’t mean that either. You should go inside, Nat. Alone.” You were talking big game for someone who hadn’t let go of her hand yet.
“I don’t want to be alone right now, I want to be kissing you.” How could she just say things like that? Girls didn’t just say things like that. It was uncouth.
You tried to tell her exactly that but she just groaned a little and said “You’re not convincing me you don’t want to kiss me.” She was all pouty and emotional right now. God help you.
You were going to say something stupid because of her. Stupidly honest.
“If you still feel this way tomorrow, we can talk about it then. We’re going to be sharing a room with Taissa and Van and they sneak off together a lot.” She was going to argue before you cut her off by saying, “You’re not going to be able to convince me to take advantage of you.”
She giggled more. “No matter how much you want to?” Starry eyes was not an apt phrase for hers.
You kept looking at her and let go of her hand slowly. What are the odds she even remembers this tomorrow? What the hell, say it. “No matter how much I want to.”
You guessed that was close enough to what she wanted. She got out and skipped to her front door. She looked at your car before walking in and blew you a kiss. You hoped no one saw anything. You hoped she forgot this all because you blew one back.
She obviously didn’t forget it all.
She got out of Van’s mom’s car and didn’t look at you once at the airport. She saw you saving a seat next to yourself and sat a couple of rows up front alone.
The only time she had talked to you, hell, even looked at you, was when she found you after the crash. You had a nasty gash on your calve and your nose was bleeding from a bag falling on your face. Adrenaline had you running from the wreckage further than everybody else because your brain was telling you it was going to explode for some reason. You ran for a minute or two until your leg started to hurt and you realized that no one else was with you. When you didn’t hear any explosions, you started limping back.
It took more time to get back than it did for you to sprint away. You returned to chaos that was mostly directed by Misty Quigley.
Taissa was looking around, shouting Van’s name. Natalie was shouting yours. You were already out of breath but seeing Natalie shouting for you made it worse. You couldn’t get a big enough breath in to let her know you were ok before she saw you and started running.
Your face must’ve looked worse than it was because she lost it. Natalie didn’t show concern like this usually. She was more likely to get pissed off at you for putting yourself in the situation to get hurt. This was panic.
“Are-Are you ok? God! You’re bleeding a lot. I’m going to get Misty, OK? She’s good at this stuff.” She was tempted to touch your face but didn’t know what hurt. She was terrified to make it worse. To hurt you. “Um, lean forward! Wait! No! Lean back. Or does that make the blood go down your throat? Whatever, keep your head like that. I’ll be right back.”
She didn’t really come back after that. She sent Misty to check on you and made sure you were bandaged up but that’s it. She sat next to other people around the fire, passed the water to the person that was next to you, avoided eye contact.
This was why you never let your mind go there. She had opened up all these feelings that you were content to push onto other things like baseball boys and soccer but now you were 100s of miles away from both and the girl you kissed won’t even look at you.
Actually, correction, she kissed you!
And Coach Ben had somehow contrived the worst way to force you guys to be friends again. If friends was even the right word. Two girls don’t get along anymore? Let’s give them a gun about it!
The two of you tromped through the woods in silence for a long time. You had no inclination to lead and certainly no inclination to be to one to break the silence so you quietly followed. You didn’t even know how to tell the cardinal directions.
The complacency made you feel slightly crazy but she owed you an explanation. She practically forced you to admit to whatever you implied you felt and now she has the audacity to act like you made it weird. She’s the one that kissed her girl best friend! Not you!
This was what drove you insane about Nat. She acted on impulse and did what she wanted. She knew who she was and at one point had chosen to honor that. You both admired her for it and regretted the way it inconvenienced the both of you. So why was she so self-conscious now unless she was disgusted by you?
You were never going to do anything about those urges. You knew it was wrong but sometimes you wanted to touch girls the way boys touched girls. You knew Shauna and Jackie practiced kissing so it wasn’t such a weird thing. And Tai and Van seemed to have a thing too. This is why your father didn’t want you to do women’s sports. It did turn you into a lesbian.
Natalie could practically hear you spiraling. She knew you were losing it but didn’t dare to address anything. She was sure you were just being nice to her when you said all that stuff about talking when she was sober. You were nice and from a good family. You didn’t need to throw all that away by turning gay and dating a burnout.
Natalie didn’t want to make you say it. She knew you were too nice to just tell her she was a weird predator. You fought to not have to come with her today even though three weeks ago, you had volunteered to go to Saturday detention with her even though you had no slip. You were sweet like that.
Natalie mourned the inevitable loss of your relationship. She valued your opinion in a way she never had anyone else. She trusted you. She knew you were a good person and Natalie knew how rare that was. Of course, she would go and fuck it all up.
She heard you sniffling. She hoped your nose was ok. It looked like the bruising went away but you started making that nasal sound again.
It took a little for her to realize you were crying. You didn’t cry. Natalie turned around to face you, knowing she had to put an end to this. You obviously were taking it hard.
It was embarrassing for you to cry like this, especially when you were so committed to staying steadfast but you needed Nat, especially with all this crazy shit happening. You couldn’t take her just ignoring you until you got rescued.
Natalie was looking at you with a blank face which made it worse. How could she go from smiling at you to looking like that? You had read everything so wrong.
“I’m sorry I kissed you. I made everything complicated and I didn’t mean to. Can we just forget it happened? Say it was the acid and weed and call it even?” Natalie was trying to act casual like it was no big deal. Just an awkward thing to deal with like walking in on someone changing. But you didn’t want to forget about it. You couldn’t no matter how much you had tried. She had showed you an option you didn’t even know was there. One you kept exploring in your head.
Humiliatingly, you started crying more, wiping the tears away like you could hide them. You practically yelled, “No, you don’t just get to forget about it. You kissed me and you’ve just got to live with it no matter how disgusting you find me.” Not the plan but OK! Emotional honesty had rarely gotten you anywhere good but you could try again.
“What? I don’t find you disgusting?” She looked confused and walked closer as if to prove that to you.
“Then why do you refuse to even look at me? You kissed me! And I’m sorry I kissed back when I knew you were fucked up but I never would take advantage! I didn’t even know I would want to do anything like that until you did it to me first so this is all your fault.”
Natalie scoffed. “My fault? You’re the one that let me hold your hand the whole ride. You got in my lap on the way in!”
“I’m not going to do this with you. Let’s just turn back and tell Coach we can’t do this together.” You tried to school your expression. She totally didn’t read that right. You weren’t flirting that whole night.
You turn around to walk back to the cabin when she grabs your hand. That same hand you kept on the gear shift. The one she held before your worst nightmares came true.
It was enough to make you turn around. She was always enough to make you turn around.
She struggles to say it but Nat asks “Were you serious? About talking about it later? You weren’t just saying that to be nice so you could let me down easy later?” Natalie wasn’t usually unsteady like this. Sure of herself was her natural state.
“No, I wanted to talk about it at Nationals but…you know.” You were going to try being honest. “I liked what happened.”
Natalie exhaled something close to a chuckle like she couldn’t believe it. “I did too. Like it, I mean.” You squeezed her hand that had grabbed yours
You made the same sort of chuffed sound. “What does this all mean?” You asked.
She squeezed your hand, “Whatever you want it to mean.”
That was difficult because you had no idea. Natalie was the one who always knew what she wanted. She could walk into any thrift store and find herself in the racks, could walk into any classroom and find the person that was broken like her. You had spent most of high school feeling the contact high that was Natalie Scatorccio. Now she was asking you to score some on your own.
But maybe that was tiring, always being sure. Maybe it wasn’t as natural for her as it was necessary.
You braced yourself, about to say something ridiculous, “Maybe we could just do what we want out here. Figure it out a little more before we decide.” It felt contradictory that your big exploration of self started with being comfortable with not knowing but you figured that’s how it usually went. Acknowledging you have a problem first and all that.
“Does figuring it out involve kissing you again?” She was always so cheeky, you’re glad the plane crash didn’t take that.
“If that’s what you want.”
“I think it’s what I’ve wanted for a while.” She stepped even closer to you. The distance you two would usually have when she was telling you a secret.
And you knew this was all supposed to be a secret. That you both would get home soon and probably forget all about this. Baseball boys and goths would get in between the both of you. But for now, in the woods, away from your conservative father and judgemental eyes, you could finally just do what you wanted. And you wanted to kiss Natalie fucking Scatorccio, stone-cold sober.
thank you @love-bites-and-poetry-burns for inspiring/encouraging this fic! i really like the way it turned out :)
basically an AU where shauna didn’t try to shoot melissa and instead just embraced lesbianism like she should have. i have a personal head cannon that melissa was held back so she’s most insecure about her intelligence, which is why shauna calling her stupid hurt her the most.
This sucked. Melissa just wanted to go home.
Yeah, it was fun to make out with Shauna all the time with impunity but fall was coming and she needed to get back. The seniors had enough credits to graduate but Melissa was going to be a 17-year-old sophomore. She was already the weird tom-boy that got held back in fourth grade, she didn’t need more of a distance between herself and her peers.
She didn’t understand why Shauna didn’t want to go back. Maybe she felt irredeemable but that didn’t mean she had the right to damn all of them to this purgatory.
That’s why Melissa started a conversation with Hannah. She seemed smart and she was the closest thing to the real world any of them had right now.
Melissa was just supposed to drop off Hannah’s food and leave but the two of them got to talking about her life. Her job at the university…her kid. Melissa had done evil things. She cut Coach Ben’s Achilles, she let a little boy drown, and she ate that same boy's ribs like it was her dad’s Fourth of July BBQ. She probably liked Javi more than pig or maybe that was her brain truly warping her perception of things.
All of that was evil and she took part in it all willingly but taking someone’s mother was too much. Melissa missed her mom more than she could ever admit out here and causing another little girl to feel that was a bridge too far.
While Hannah was talking about her kid, Shauna saw the two of them. It was a twist of jealousy, resentment, protectiveness and an odd warmth that all curdled inside her. Shauna didn’t like when Melissa looked at other girls like they were smart and interesting, she was only supposed to look at Shauna that way!
Shauna came up to the animal pen while they were talking about horny teenage girls. The lack of context pissed her off more.
“Am I interrupting something?” Shauna bit out. It was a ridiculous implication that Melissa and a fully adult Hannah were flirting but Shauna didn’t see that. She saw her little lamb getting closer to another shepherd. Melissa was a good listener, too good.
Shauna stormed off and Melissa quickly followed her, not sparing a glance back at Hannah because she really didn’t matter. Melissa may have been interested in her novelty but she was still committed to Shauna, even if the girl sometimes frightened her.
“Shauna, wait!” Melissa’s tone was a touch exasperated but mostly sad. Nobody else understood that Shauna was a good girlfriend when they were alone. She held Melissa’s hand when there was thunder and didn’t make her feel ridiculous about it, she gave her less burnt jerky and took the black, mangled scraps for herself. She was tender and gentle when she didn’t feel like she had something to prove.
Shauna felt like she had something to prove. She needed to prove to Melissa that she didn’t have power over her, that Melissa didn’t make her knees shake sometimes. She needed to prove to the girls that no one could defy her orders, not even her favorite. She needed to prove to herself that she was a butcher queen who was above feeling things like tenderness and love. Shauna was scared that if she acknowledged that human part of her again, she wouldn’t be able to make it through all of this.
The truth was that Shauna held onto people too tightly. She crushed them with the weight of her devotion. Pulled them too close and sucked them into the black hole that was her. An emptiness had been there her whole life and she had never been able to fill it. Maybe it was daddy issues but it’s not like she would ever go to a shrink to figure that shit out.
It felt good for Melissa to chase after her; a certain rush came from being wanted enough to be pursued. Shauna liked that Melissa wanted her.
The two of them got to their shared hut. Melissa threw the curtain aside and asked “What’s your deal?” Like she didn’t already know that Shauna was upset about.
“What were you two giggling about?”
Melissa always got nervous when Shauna was like this. It always felt like a precipice of something. When Shauna was like this, Melissa either got hurt or got a new side of Shauna. It seemed like a random coin flip.
“Nothing. Stupid stuff. Why?” Melissa tried to laugh a little to disarm the situation but it didn’t work.
Shauna turned around and had a condescending look on her face. “Don’t you know how dumb it is to get close to her? She’s just using you to try to escape!”
“And what? You think she makes a joke and I’m like ‘You’re hilarious, here’s your freedom’?” Shauna didn’t believe Melissa was smart and that was painful. Mostly because Melissa didn’t think she was that smart either.
Shauna was looking at Melissa intently. She looked good today. Her stupid hat made her messy braids look even better. Shauna had done those braids two nights ago after Melissa and she had bathed in the lake. She had that flaxen hair that just looked better the longer she spent out in the sun. Focus, Shipman.
Shauna questioned, “What did she say to you?”
“Nothing…just…” Melissa didn’t know if she should say this. She didn’t mention children around Shauna. Especially ones that got to grow big enough to miss their moms. “She has a kid…back home.”
Always so paranoid, Shauna asked “And you believe that?” In that tone that made Melissa feel like the dumbest girl alive.
“Why wouldn’t I?”
And, God, Shauna wanted to throttle her. Maybe the whole wilderness spirit was real and everyone kept dying because it had to put all of its energy into keeping Melissa from perishing because she was too goddamn trusting. Shauna forsakes whatever higher power it was that made her fall for people who were so fucking nice when Shauna was mangled and mean. Melissa should’ve never even followed her into the woods alone when she had her knife. And Shauna shouldn’t have given into any of her impulses in the first place.
“She just wants you to feel bad for her! She’s s manipulating you.” Rich coming from her but whatever.
“I don’t think that she is! And, yeah, I do feel kinda bad. She must really miss her!”
“Well, I’m glad you have so much sympathy for her.” Melissa knew the whole kid thing would blow up in her face but she thought that maybe Shauna could finally connect to someone about her loss. The truth is, none of the girls could be there for Shauna completely because nobody knew what it was like to have a child. To have a piece of your soul taken out of your body and put on the earth where bad things could happen.
“This isn’t a competition, Shauna.”
“I know,” Shauna yelled, “It’s just…well, I didn’t think you’d be this fucking stupid.” She turned away to look at the tree as she said this. Shauna didn’t want to see Melissa’s face crumple like it did when Shauna went too far and Shauna knew she was pushing it. Even the girl who kissed her when she had a knife to her throat had a limit for ridicule.
Melissa was silent for a moment before she just sighed and walked out of their hut. Shauna didn’t think she would really walk away.
“Melissa, wait!” There was an unfamiliar desperation in her voice. She hadn’t felt this way in a long time.
It didn’t occur to Shauna that they would be having this moment in front of the entire camp until she realized that all eyes were on you two. This whole situation felt too familiar. It made her palms start to get sweaty. Another break up, with another girl, with another audience that all saw how she was too good for Shauna. Bunnies and lambs somehow wound the big bad wolf. She hadn’t felt this way since her stillbirth, maybe even with Jackie. Like her heart was out of her body and in someone else’s hands. Someone had the power to crush her when she was used to being the one with a firmer grip.
Melissa heard it. She wasn’t the only one either. The emotion in her voice made a busy camp fall hushed.
It was enough to make Melissa pause but she didn’t turn around. She had tears in her eyes and that was much too boring for Shauna to see.
“I…” Shauna didn’t know what to say, actually. She was usually so verbose but she couldn’t parse out what to say to make this better. She was uncomfortable with the idea that she even cared enough to want to make this right. But to have another girl leave her like that after she said and did terrible things…
There were eyes on her which made her want to harden but she hadn’t gotten anything good out of playing the butcher. She thought that power and cruelty would make it so people couldn’t leave her. But fear isn’t the same as love and Shauna had always just wanted to be loved.
A speechless Shauna was enough to make Melissa turn around. “What?” Shauna’s big brown eyes met Melissa’s and there was an actual reaction to the tears that was not derision or confusion. Regret. Remorse. Things Shauna had long forgotten how to externalize in an honest way. The girls all were shocked at Shauna’s expression. She hadn’t been this emotional since she nearly killed Lottie.
“I…I’m sorry. Come back.” It was quiet and small, the opposite of the grandiose queen she had become. Less of an order, and more of a plead.
“You’re just saying that because that’s what you wish you could’ve said to Jackie! You’re right, I am a massive idiot, but not for talking to Hannah. I’m stupid for falling in love with the girl who was only ever looking for a replacement!” Melissa and Shauna had never talked about love. Melissa and Shauna had never talked about Jackie. Melissa wasn’t even sure if Shauna knew that whole thing was a little gay.
Shauna got self-conscious. Something she wasn’t used to feeling. Someone was self-conscious when they cared about how they were perceived and she had freed herself from that months ago. At least she thought so. She avoided looking at the rest of the group, opting to focus on Melissa. She didn’t need to make this harder than it was.
“You’re not a replacement, Mel.” The use of the knick name shocked the group further, the affection between the two more obvious than before. Shauna struggled to say the next part. “Me and and Jackie didn’t make sense. You and me make sense. And you’re not stupid, I’m stupid for treating you that way when all you are is nice to me.”
It wasn’t some grand love confession. It was barely a sufficient apology by regular standards but it was groundbreaking for Shauna. She was expressing an emotion besides anger in front of the group. She was doing that for Melissa.
Melissa knew she was stupid for caving but she looked at those big brown eyes and saw things plainly. Melissa was willing to let herself be hurt if it meant healing Shauna. It was worth it.
Van rolled her eyes at the way Melissa softened and immediately forgave. So sacrificial. But she couldn’t deny that it was heartwarming to see Shauna be a little normal. She missed the girl who tried to pull her from a burning plane, even if she would die doing it. Van was going to talk to Melissa about domestic abuse later, though.
Melissa walked to Shauna and Shauna let out the tension she didn’t even realize she was holding still. She was walking back to her. She wasn’t going out into the woods and leaving her forever. Thank whatever God was responsible for that.
Shauna went a step further, feeling vulnerable but also unburdened for the first time in a while. When Melissa got close enough, Shauna grabbed her. So tightly that some went to intervene assuming she had been playing a long game to trick Melissa into letting her guard down. She just shoved her face in her neck and inhaled deeply, loud enough for all the girls to hear over the sounds of the woods. Melissa didn’t wear the tallow infused with flowers that Robin made but her scent was clean and comforting despite her anxiety sweat still covering her skin.
The rest of the camp was still staring at the couple. Most of them assumed it was a relationship of convenience. Closer to a prison bitch situation than real love. But Shauna loved Melissa in her own twisted way.
Now that Shauna was out of survival mode, she cared more about all the girls watching them. It’s not that she didn’t want them to know she cared for Melissa, Shauna wanted them all to know, especially Gen who looked at Melissa like she was hers. Shauna didn’t want the inevitable second foot to drop. She showed her hand, the world could take a third person out here and everyone would know it happened to her again. She would have to justify her continued survival even when more innocent people than her died left and right.
“Show’s over,” Melissa said in a surprisingly authoritative voice. She felt protective over Shauna like this when she was hiding in Melissa. Melissa had never felt like Shauna really needed her in the same way until now.
Shauna was thankful Melissa knew her so well. Melissa was really smart about all this emotional stuff. Shauna wanted to tell her that later.
The group cleared out, returning to the monotony of staying alive. Shauna found the strength to lean back and look at Melissa’s face. It was terrifying, electrifying, it felt like the first time she cut something open. Life’s substance pooling at her feet. Power.
Melissa could keep her safe, safe in a way Jackie never could’ve. She was strong and smart in a way nobody else in Shauna’s life ever was.
When Melissa pushed Shauna towards their hut, it was gentle. She knew she had power over Shauna now and was still gentle. Shauna was suddenly hoping she would be able to relate to that soon. Who knows, maybe she could learn something from Melissa.
a criminal lack of travis content. he’s so fun to write! oh well, i guess i have to be the change i want to see in the world and whatever.
reader and travis knew each other before the crash. You weren’t friends but something changed out there.
Travis was a dick, there was no denying that. You knew that before the crash and you had no expectations that a freak accident would make him kinder. But this was beyond the pale.
He didn’t get to be a dick to Javi like that. You understood that he was grieving, even understood how his complicated relationship with his father was making this worse, but he needed to buck up.
Javi was a good kid, he was stubborn sometimes but who wasn’t? You cared about that little boy, you babysat him back when you were JV. When Travis was recovering from his surgery there were so many appointments and hospital stays. Coach didn’t want to cancel any practice and god forbid he let his assistant coach assist him in coaching a varsity game.
You guys would order pizza and watch Pixar. You didn’t even have a license yet so you couldn’t do anything fun. Javi was always nice though, a sweet boy who listened well and never wanted to cause any fuss. You weren’t ever particularly good with kids but Javi was an easy person to be around. That’s why when Travis started to wrestle Javi too roughly you lost your shit.
You stormed out of the cabin to hear Travis yelling at his brother to spit something out, you can only assume he’s talking about that stale gum Javi couldn't let go of. You were actually going to talk about it with him after lunch, about coping with grief, but of course, Travis was too impulsive to move slowly.
“Hey, dickwad, let him go!”
But it was too late, Travis had forcibly opened Javi's mouth and made him spit out the gum. You were hoping he would be able to voluntarily release it, that it would help Javi psychologically accept the loss like how you talked about in AP psych. Obviously, Travis could only get into the bullshit health class where they don’t teach you anything about being a normal, decent person.
Javi didn’t react well. He stormed off and you were going to follow him until you looked at Travis and your heart broke for some reason.
“You shouldn’t have done that.” You knew he knew that. “The world is only going to get harder on us, the least you could do is be gentle with him.”
Everyone still seemed to be committed to rescue but you knew it had been too long. You went a weird way on a sketchy private plane. Nobody knew where you were and it increasingly looked like you only had each other.
Travis looked up from the ground with his big, sad eyes. “I…I just wanted him to stop smacking on that gum and…I don’t know.” You believed that he came in with no solid reasoning or plan, that sounded on brand for him.
You stepped closer because he was talking quietly. You kept going until you were closer than you had been in the four years you had spent catching rides home with Coach Martinez because your mom worked late. “Listen, you should find him in a little bit and apologize. I know you don’t mean to hurt his feelings but you need to cut all of this out.” Travis didn’t even have the heart to argue with you. “I know this sucks worse for you than for anyone else but with coach Ben’s leg, you’re the man here. You need to be level-headed and strong. Not just for Javi, but for all of us.”
All of Travis’s life, he had only wanted to feel like a man. Out there in the real world, he had failed. He wasn’t athletic and for a good portion of his adolescence, he was literally medically advised against exercising or lifting weights of any kind. When all the boys in middle school were doing push-up contests, he was going to orthopedic specialists for back brace fittings.
But Travis’s spinal fusion was successful, even if the healing was brutal. And he was seeing a place to prove himself. He needed to show his dad he could step up and be a man. He could take care of Javi and the girls and he would go back and take care of his mom too. This is the last time he and his dad will be in the same place and Travis will leave here a man if he can help it.
He oddly wanted to prove it to you too. You were around when he was worse off. One of his father's little pets he liked to keep from the team. You saw how debilitating the pain was before the surgery, saw how recovery was slow and isolating. And you saw all the in-between at school. Flex.
He never quite put together that you would have a lot of insight on him but now that he thinks about it, you may be the person to know the most. Which is sad because you don’t even seem to like him that much.
He takes your advice, though. Javi doesn’t accept it immediately but it seems like they eventually figure it out from your point of view. Of course, Travis is the same angry boy but he’s trying to temper himself into something stronger, less likely to break.
Travis keeps coming to you for advice. You’re not sure why, you never got along. You spent fifteen minutes with him 3 days a week (at the very least) for the last four years and you had developed no camaraderie during that but desperate times, you guessed.
It started with just his relationship with Javi. You were his babysitter after all and the kid talked about you like invented the Lion King DVD. You were more sensitive to him than Travis naturally was. Neither of you would acknowledge that this was the dynamic Coach Martinez and his wife had but you both felt the weight of it. You were the closest thing Javi had to parents out here. It didn’t matter if either of you liked it, you were mom and dad.
After a while, Travis started to ask you about more things. What plants were edible, how you mended things so well, what you did to make his dad like you so much. You didn’t have a clear answer for the last one. Travis seemed to know what you meant when you said you had no idea how Coach felt about you except for the fact he trusted you enough to watch over Javi. He was a man that spoke more with actions but that meant so much was left unsaid. You wished you had asked him why he took a shine to you. You weren’t the best defender. Was it pity for not having a dad? Or a mom that worked too much? You’ll never know now.
Then things got complicated when he started coming to you about a girl. He wouldn’t say who he needed advice about but you could assume. He had spent so much time alone with Natalie, it could only be her.
It made sense too. They both had a compatible jaggedness that seemed to slot together well. They both had to feel the pressure of being hunters, and the judgment when they came back empty-handed.
You weren’t expecting for it to… affect you. You couldn’t tell what it was at first. Initially, you thought you just didn’t like the idea of some poor girl being subjected to Travis’s courtship. Then you realized that he had grown and someone out here could maybe have a lovely relationship with him. Then you thought it was an extension of that irrational judgment, that the hunters should be focused on game and not frivolous crushes but even that was off base. You thought he and Nat deserved some respite.
It wasn’t until you were making sure Javi was tucked in well on a cold, rainy fall night that you realized it was because you were jealous. Travis slept one spot away from you with Javi in the middle and you looked at him already looking at you two. You thought about how glad you were he wasn’t closer to the door with Natalie.
Neither of you looked away for a minute. It felt so domestic like you were over at his house while his parents were out. Watching Bambi after Javi had fallen asleep halfway. What it maybe could’ve been if either of you had given the other one a chance.
You looked away first to make sure Javi was breathing deeply. You went to bed with the heavy feeling that you were helping push the boy you liked towards a much prettier girl, with more experience and bravery than you would probably ever have the chance of gaining at this rate.
The next day, you and Travis were stringing up herbs to start drying them in the meat shed when he asked, “How do you let a girl know you like her and not have it blow up if she doesn’t like you back?”
“Well, I don’t know how to answer that because no one’s ever liked me like that.” It was painful to say out loud but if you weren’t willing to admit that here and now, where would you?
He stopped what he was bundling and looked incredulous. “You mean, you’ve just never had to tell someone you don’t like them, right?
And man did that make you feel like a loser. Even perpetual virgin Travis was in disbelief at the lack of play you got back home. “No, that’s not what I meant,” you said quietly, cutting off some twine.
It was silent for a minute. God, he was awkward. Why did you even like him? He was just looking at you all weirdly and he hadn’t gathered the next bundle so you had idle hands.
He obviously deduced that you had a slight (massive) thing for him. You were too obvious last night, forcing him to play house with you. You were practically Misty Quigley-level delusional.
“I’m sure some guy has been pining after you and you just don’t know.”
“Oh yeah, that’s why I wasn’t rejecting boys left and right back home, I’m just too intimidating for anyone to ever confess to me.” The sarcasm was plain in your tone. “I’m just too pretty and smart for anyone to ever believe they could have a chance with me, is that right?”
“I know you’re trying to joke right now but you’re not wrong.” He said it all fast, like the words tripped out of him. He made his eyes go all big and soft which made it impossible for you to continue being aloof with him.
“Shut up, you don’t have to lie and make me feel good.”
“What if I’m not? What if I know for a fact that I’m right? That there is a guy out there pining over you.”
You laughed. It was torturous because the delusional part of you believed he must be talking about himself but you knew better. You didn’t get the boy in the end. You don’t get what you want.
“Yeah. Who? Sean from trig? I watched him pick his nose and put it under his desk like two weeks before our plane crashed, I’m good.” Joking usually helped you out in situations but it seemed to frustrate Travis further. He must be really weirded out by your liking him.
Travis took the twine and the knife from your still hands, the task abandoned long ago. He got close to you, the way you had gotten close to him that first time. “No. Not Sean. Me. I’ve been pining after you in these stupid woods and you’re the only one who can’t see that!”
“You mean Natalie? You’ve been asking me for advice on how to make her like you for weeks!”
Travis started pulling at his hair. It had gotten so long out here and had made him unfairly attractive. He shouldn’t distract you like this during serious conversation. “I’ve been asking you for advice on how to make you like me! Jesus Christ, aren’t you usually smart?”
“Oh.” Wow. That was not what you were expecting at all.
“Oh? What does that mean?” You never told him how to tell the girl without making it awkward so he didn’t know what to do after this. You just frustrated him into transparency like you usually did.
You were looking at his face for a moment, checking if this was a trick or something. When you only saw sincerity, you said “I like you too.” He exhaled, apparently waiting on bated breath for your answer.
He took the hand that was holding the twine and held it between his, just holding it, warming up your fingers. He stepped more into your space. He whispered, “I…I don’t know how to do this.”
You returned his intensity with your eyes, really just dropping down the walls you had built around letting your feelings for him show.
“I don’t know how to do any of it either. I was telling the truth when I told you no one has ever liked me like that before.”
He scoffed, “Their loss.”
“Yeah,” you quietly laughed out. Anything louder would’ve felt like yelling.
Then he kissed you. It was both of your first kisses, but he kissed you like a man. He put one hand on your hip and another caressed the side of your neck as he dropped that last physical boundary between you too. You couldn’t go much further because of your mutual inexperience and general breathlessness but it was more than satisfying to you both.
You would both have to leave the shed soon. You needed to check on Javi and talk to him about his whittling. You were trying to talk to him about historical events and books you remembered from school. Fall had come and he should be back in school.
You both lingered. Finally having some type of resolution to anything felt significant out here where things get started but never properly finished.
“So…Are you my girlfriend now?”
You grinned a little. At least this thing between you was good, sacred.
hiiiii, first yellowjackets one shot. haven’t posted on tumblr like this so excuse me if the formatting is weird. pls enjoy/interact and maybe leave a request if you’d like :)
People have started to notice the weird thing Shauna has for you.
Sure, Shauna has always had a staring problem, even before the crash, but it was getting blatant. Ever since the loss of her child, she had withdrawn. She doesn’t care enough to try to fit in or act acceptably anymore. Everyone dies, she’s going to get a good look at you before that happens.
Staring isn’t the only thing she does to you, though. She listens. She cares about you being happy for some unknown reason.
In her deepest rage, your voice is the only one that can reach her. You were the thing that stopped her from killing Lottie when she let all her anger out, you kept her from becoming a butcher completely.
That’s why she lost it when you got sick.
Winter was thawing, and the plants and animals were returning. You had made it through winter and could enjoy the reprieve of spring. You were supposed to be safe. You didn’t have a cabin but sleeping outside was starting to not be unpleasant. Sleeping outside also meant bugs.
You woke up one day with a spider bite on your arm, two days later the bite was infected. You came down with a fever and your arm had gotten gnarly and swollen.
Shauna, who had all but retreated into her own mind, was suddenly very present. She was swapping out your forehead rags and cleaning your sick. She had prayed to every saint she could remember from her catholic phase. She was the only one who had it in her to drain the abscess. Cutting things was easy for Shauna, fascinating even. She didn’t relish cutting you at all.
You got better after the infected fluid left your body. You had lost enough weight and water that you were out of commission for a couple of days after your fever had broken but the spring gave you the sustenance to recover.
Shauna, however, had not recovered.
She had gotten used to not caring about things. It was easier when you didn’t meet people's expectations if you didn’t care about their opinion in the first place. She didn’t realize how much you mattered to her until she was looking down the barrel at losing the person that was most important to her a third time. She was in such a limbo between not giving a fuck about anything and being willing to lose everything to keep you. She even prayed to the wilderness about it…
She didn’t give lottie the satisfaction of doing it out loud but she asked for it to all be enough. The two sacrifices she’s given already, her having to cut you open felt like enough. She got you back. Shauna didn’t know how to feel about the wilderness listening.
Now you felt better, maybe not as strong as you were before your plane fell out of the sky, but not any worse than you felt during the winter when you were starving.
Shauna wasn’t any better. She didn’t get sick but she didn’t recover from almost losing you either.
She… hovered. More than she did already anyway. She took the kindling from your hands, got your serving of food for you, and made sure your arm was closing upright. It was.
She listened to you more now too. You thought it wasn’t a waste of valuable energy for Akilah to try to grow unnecessary flowers, whatever, you deserved pretty flowers. You thought Vans story time was entertaining? Shauna thought she was getting hilarious after the months of practice she’s had.
The other girls notice it too. Exchanging glances about the scariest girl out here having an obvious soft spot. They didn't think of how they could use it until Shauna was being a bitch to Mari, like usual. You just walked right up to Shauna like she wasn’t terrorizing someone and asked if she would help you bring back some berries you had found. You liked the mulberries that grew on trees and she knew that. Shauna liked it when you asked if she could help you reach. Shauna walked away with you mid-insult. Whatever, Mari wasn’t worth losing any time with you.
The group left waited for you both to get deep enough into the forest before they really unpacked the looks they’d been giving each other about you two. When they couldn’t hear your footsteps anymore, Van said “I think she has Shauna on a leash or something.” The younger girls giggled.
Taissa nudged Van, not wanting them to be too hard on either of you. Shauna was still important to her, even if they disagreed now more than ever. “They just find comfort in each other. I’m sure you’d latch onto someone else like that if you’d lost me.”
The group doesn’t expand on the implication Taissa is making. It’s the closest any of them have gotten to acknowledging the blurred lines between Shauna and Jackie’s friendship or her… fixation on you.
Mari, never the most graceful with forgiveness said, “I don’t care how many homo-erotic friendships she sends out to die in the cold, she’s a sociopath who has a hate hard-on for me in particular.” Gen frowns and pats Mari on the shoulder. They shared a look that made Mari making fun of Shauna’s obvious girl crushes ironic.
“Yeah, but you’ve gotta think about what this can do for us. We know the code now. If she agrees with it or it makes her happy, Shauna likes it. We can work with that,” Taissa explained.
The idea of having one over on Shauna was intoxicating. She was unpredictable and content with violence which made her extremely dangerous to take on. An understanding would level the playing field.
Akilah seemed nervous. She didn’t like the idea of meddling in a relationship, especially when Shauna could turn on anyone on a dime. “Are we sure we should mess with any of that? What if Shauna realizes and doesn’t want to be vulnerable like that again?” Akilah was starting to feel bad. “I mean, I don’t really like the girl but she’s been through the worst out of all of us and I don’t know if I want to use the one good thing she’s got left against her.” The girls felt a little guilty but peace was too attractive.
“We’re not going to do anything wrong. We’re not even going to lie, we just know how we’re supposed to frame arguments now. It’s just like English class where you consider your audience before you decide the rhetoric you use for them.” Taissa responded. “Rhetoric isn’t lying, it’s being smart with your words. We’re being smart.”
Taissa, always the lawyer, convinced them.
Later, you both got back with the berries you found. They were fat and sweet. The lack of sugar you’ve had recently made them taste better than they were, probably.
You put your sack of berries on the table the group had constructed recently out of some preserved planks from the cabin. Girls came over and started taking handfuls. Shauna felt like they were being greedy. You both had gotten those for you to enjoy. You had wasted energy you could’ve used on healing to get these berries and they were just eating them like bears without asking.
Mari came over and grabbed a handful like the rest of the girls. She should’ve known Shauna would take special offense to that. Shauna reached across the table and slapped Mari’s hand before she could get her fill.
“ow! What the hell, Shauna?”
“you’re just going to shove them in your face without asking? They’re her favorites and she almost died.”
People stopped eating berries for a moment. There was an unspoken agreement that this would be the time to try the new strategy.
Mari held back what she felt like saying to Shauna, understanding that she would get nowhere with her. She looked at you with her charming smirk and sweetly said, “I’m sorry, I thought these were for the group. I know you usually like to share with us. If you run out, I can go get the next batch tomorrow.”
You were not used to feeling like someone important at camp but you felt like everyone was looking at you, watching to see what you would do for some reason. Shauna was always watching you so that was no different but you weren’t accustomed to her waiting for you to respond for you both. This was good though, if Shauna would let you take over her relationships with the group for a little, you might be able to calm things down.
“Um… that sounds good! I only got a couple of the lower branches so maybe you and Lottie would be able to get some different ones.” You smiled and tried not to betray the calculations you were making. Shauna bristled a little beside you until you leaned into her side and put your head on her shoulder like you did when you were tired and still recovering. She would worry you were too tired to fight and would drop it. Socially orchestrating a more harmonious group had to seem effortless. Manipulation only worked when they thought they were getting one over on you.
You knew what they were doing. You knew Shauna listened to you and you knew they were scared of her. You weren’t dumb enough to believe that Mari would all of a sudden be ok with doing more than her fair share for less of the reward. She had an ulterior motive, which was fine because you did too. Shauna deserved community. Not to be looked at like some bomb or monster. We made her the butcher but got disgusted when she had blood on her hands. If you could broker an understanding between Shauna and the group, you could maybe inspire some more empathy and forgiveness, on both sides.
Shauna regretfully accepted your wishes. “fine, take your share,” she said bitterly. You smiled softly, knowing you won. The group couldn’t show any expressions, knowing if Shauna felt manipulated, she would explode. They did notice your satisfied look when it dawned on all of them that they were letting another girl run the group just like Shauna did.
Yes, she wasn’t as overtly violent and you could appeal to her better nature-but there was an equally dark part of you. The part that was dark enough to look Shauna Shipman in her empty, grief-stricken eyes and see love.
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