melancholiac

In their eyes, there is nothing but the years between us.

[theyearsbetweenus]

Having read some of the things I’ve written over the years I realize that even in the darkest moments of my life I was never as full of despair as I have been over the past year. Looking back at the years that have passed I realize that I have lost all joy and have forgot to live.

I was a child. I was a teen. I was carefree. I was joyous. That’s what he loved the most about me. No. That’s not what he loved about me. That’s what he was missing in his life and that’s why he couldn't live without me. He couldn’t live without joy. My joy was his “aqua vitae”, as he used to say. But that one glass of wine that had kept me going for all these years have now succumbed to the darkness I have always had deep within me.

He took my light and left me in dark.

And now I am just like him.

Existing, without joy and without hope.

He took my light and left me in dark.

And now I am a burden to him.

Growing dim, day in and day out.

21:09

07-02-24

[theyearsbetweenus]

“And now he is 44 and I am 18. Nothing has changed because it doesn’t matter that I’m an adult now. He is my teacher and he is taken already.”

— 30 may - 2 June

[theyearsbetweenus]

He was 44 when I was 18. Now He is 44 and I am 26.

[theyearsbetweenus]

Just an update for the future me because that’s what I have always done. More than two years have passed since my last update. Not much has changed. He begged me for a few times and promised that everthing would change. We went on and got married because that was only to be expected if we’re to be together. When I said not much has changed a few sentences ago, what I meant was that he hasn't kept his promises. He had even promised that he would never leave, and had bet that I would be the one to leave. He wants to leave now.

What do I feel? I feel rage. I feel disgust.

I don’t have much else to say.

[theyearsbetweenus]

Years flee

I am no longer who I used to be

Youthful and carefree

What you loved most about me

You threw away the key

[theyearsbetweenus]

“Only if you killed yourself would I genuinely believe that you are sorry for what you did” he said while twisting the knife with which he stabbed her in the back.

You may pay for your sins through the acknowledgment of your immorality and the suffering derived from it. You may spend years on building your moral compass anew. You might even consider paying a last visit to a graveyard. But divine love you cannot expect from others. Complete forgiveness you cannot expect from those you have caused pain.

Must I kill myself so I can be forgiven?

Must I die to free him from lamenting?

The knife in my back, the wounds of my suffering, the past which I cannot escape;

Are they all in vain, if some forgiveness he cannot spare?

I must not die to free him from lamenting

but I must die to free myself from my past.

Alas, I must die to escape myself.

[theyearsbetweenus]

It hurts. Momentarily discomfort feels like an eternity. I remember breaking up with him. When he was standing right in front of me front door, putting his shoes on to leave forever, I could not hold my tears back. I hugged him, begging him to not leave. I was the one to break up, just to beg him not to leave.

I remember, it was not long ago. He broke up with me. I hugged him, begging him not to leave. He stayed a second time.

Today, I broke up with him. I want to hold him, cry into his arms. My throat is sore, my chest is sinking. I want him. After all, I think I still do love him.

Momentarily discomfort or a wrong decision that will keep strangling me? I wish things were different. I wish I never disappointed him in the first place. He was someone I liked when we first met. And I made him into what I could no longer tolerate.

What is next?

140721

23:07

[theyearsbetweenus]

Just an update for myself. I have never been a disciplined diary keeper, but I find this place to be a good place for diary-like scribbles. In fact, I go months and often years not visiting this place. And so, when I do visit, it almost feels like time travel. Or better, as if time has stood still in this peculiar place. Past me and future me do not exist. Only presence. Only now.

I am still with him. The guy I mentioned a few posts ago in my last update. Hope for better times and fear for momentarily discomfort resulted in this.

Apart from that, two years have now passed since things turned ugly for pater et mater. He says he will leave. Yes. He will actually leave. He says he feels sorry for me because I have always been kind to him. I had no reason to not be. Don’t feel sorry, pater.

Things change. I am lost in the infinite. I have no path in front of me. No short terms, no long terms. Totally isolated in space and time. I do love one guy, a professor, Nevzat K. He reminds me that life is simple, that we come and go. What was that thing that I used to say years ago? Non fui, fui, non sum, non curo. I was not, I was, I am not, I do not care. That is exactly how it is.

Loneliness is not that bad. If there is any wisdom this moment of me can provide any other moment of me, it is to not fear loneliness. You have been molded by loneliness and you have always been stronger when lonely. Yes, it is painful and it is filled with discomfort. But you need to feel that pain and discomfort. Or else, you will have people around you but your relation to yourself will deteriorate.

Feel the terror, feel the anxiety, feel the dread. Do not run away from it.

090721

00:40

[theyearsbetweenus]

and after that paralysis in my heart, I became a total stranger to myself. My nights succumbed to dread, I slept it off, like death. Like opium, sleeps wore off, as to life and dread, I woke up once again. Lost in the infinite, no pen, I thought, was to wash away the indelible ink.

070821

23:46

[theyearsbetweenus]

If time is circular, or parallel universes exist, what I was five years ago must know this:

It will never happen. It is not supposed to happen. Not in the way you imagine.

But know this too:

Even after years have passed, you will still have a piece of him in you. And you will feel closer to him, not by being with him, but by understanding him. Because he was never real. He was only an idea to you. Cherish that idea. Let him guide you to your ideal self.

And if he reads this, right now and in this universe and not in any other, he must know:

The more I understand you, the less of an idea, and the more of a reality you become. And I am only a fool to still rationalize my feelings.

I understand you through the book you held so dear to your heart. Through that book which I held in my hands that one time in your room, feeling your gaze on me. Your memories are still as vivid as a freshly painted vermillion sunset.

070821

01:38

[theyearsbetweenus]

Years submerged in the vast ocean;

my youth has succumbed to breaking waves.

Your voice muffled by vortex of babbles;

Melodies subsumed by disharmonious age.

[theyearsbetweenus]

Say the story you never prayed,

See his fingerprints on the mug fade.

Feel the lack of his presence,

Fear it until it’s acceptance.

[theyearsbetweenus]

This is an update for myself.

I haven’t been on this platform in a long time and seeing my old posts have made me smile a lot. I appreciate that I took my time and wrote so much once upon a time in my teen years. And on the subject of age gap, which my blog was based on, I only want to update myself that at this point I have been together with my partner who is 18 years older than me for 20 months.

I have previously dedicated poems to him. So this is not his first appearance but rather just an update.

See you next time you remember me, future me.

170620

01:09

[theyearsbetweenus]

Holding onto him is like balancing on a rope high up in the sky.

The fear of falling is greater than the fall itself.

241019 23:11

[theyearsbetweenus]

It is scary to know that no matter how much they mean to you, the reason you do the things you do for them is to set a meaning in your life.

It is scary that even love in its purest form is a part of our search for fulfilling our life with a meaning - as if love would be less meaningful without a meaning that is something else than love itself.

190818 23:05

[theyearsbetweenus]

Coming back home to you was never as easy as I had imagined -

I had forgotten what had made me leave.

190818 - 22:51

[theyearsbetweenus]

Describing the sky, the clouds, how the sunset reminds me of your light kisses

How our love resembles the foundations of mankind

Or lying, making up stories, even creating you and falling in love with my creation

It was never as hard as describing myself

The more I try to find the right words the less they fulfill their meanings

The more I try to connect them the less unified they become

The more I try to be real the less deep I seem

You see, our understanding of the outer world is based upon words but our understanding of ourselves is in need of creating the words.

250518

[theyearsbetweenus]

We had lost our way in the middle of the city that quiet night Hands entwined, our synchronized steps led us towards the moonlight Across the sea and above the hazy skyline we knew were the stars And in that moment we fell so deep into each other that nothing felt in vain anymore, just like all those lives lost in the most horrific wars.

This City and You