TheYukiverse!

I have no idea how Tumblr works, but this the official Tumblr of TheYukiverse!!!

[caffichai]

Just Brigette, commissioned by the not late but yes great @sonofdysonsphere!

[theyukiverse]

Why Doki Doki Literature Club Screwed Me Up So Badly

I said I’d make a video on this topic but I’m not sure I’m comfortable sitting there and openly talking about a lot of personal issues. Writing them down, however, is something I can handle.

It comes as no shock to anyone who knows me this game has been dominating my mind since December, before I even played it, and even more so since last week when I finally did. To many people, this game is simply a game about Monika taking control away from the player and messing with expectations. For me? It’s more about meeting certain expectations I have in life, ironically enough.

I’m gonna talk about each character in a separate paragraph as to explain why this particular game has affected me so badly.

Yuri: Yuri is possessive, yet feels she’s never enough, hence why she apologises so often, even when she’s not at fault. She’ll happily manipulate situations to get what she wants, specifically to alienate someone from all of their friends so she can have them all to herself. Now, while this is an over-exaggeration of this type of person, I have had people in my life like this and it’s not fun. Honestly, this was more of an afterthought after playing the game. The main reason I hate Yuri is because of my irrational fear of knives. I hate knives. Knives scare me. A lot. And she fucking LOVES knives. So she scares me. A lot. Of all the main 3 cast, she is definitely the one that affected me the least, but it’s worth mentioning that the creator of the game included someone with a knife obsession...

Natsuki: My favourite character. While on stream, we joked about this character being similar to a friend of mine, which is understandable, but it actually has a lot more to do with me than I let on at the time. Few things scare me more than the idea of an abusive father. I am in the lucky position that I never had to live with my father and I am always thankful for it as he has gone out of his way to ruin my life on multiple occasions, even to the extent of trying to kill me multiple times (whether it was intentional or not, it’s hard to say, but negligence and intentional ‘leaving behind of important medication that could save my life’ definitely hints at that). I’m not gonna go into too much detail on that front, but needless to say it’s a thought that enters my mind often. Natsuki, this character who has always felt they never quite fit in, even within their own friend group, and feels she has to shut a lot of her personality off (even to the extent of writing a poem about spiders, {which if you didn’t know are my favourite animal}) is something I relate to A LOT. So, this character has issues with her father. Sounds like a very abusive relationship and like he neglects her a lot. Sound familiar? I had already decided early on she was my favourite character and the more I got to know her, the more I related. When I found out about her abusive father, it hit me hard. I started to wonder how much the creator of this game was targeting my specific fears when creating it. Which brings me to...

Sayori: The character that affected me the most. By far. The second we started to get to know Sayori, I started thinking about a close friend of mine (who will go unnamed here but they are one of my closest friends). A lot of things about this character remind me of my friend. Including the depression. And that started to scare me after the infamous Sayori scene. The scene I was dreading the entire time up until that point because it was the one scene I knew going into the game thanks to seeing it on the Game Grumps channel. So, thoughts started brewing in my head. Friends who have considered suicide. Friends who might consider it in the future. My mother talks about it a lot too, which doesn’t help at all. Not a day goes by where she doesn’t say she’s going to kill herself, and while I don’t believe she actually will, it definitely doesn’t help matters... What about me? I’ve considered it in the past, and while I am 100% certain (after playing this game) I would never do it in a billion years, what about if I do get that desperate? I’ve suffered with depression on-and-off my whole life (which, if you read any of the other posts here I’m sure you’d notice. But please don’t do that) but the thing about depression is, even when you think you’ve beaten it, you never truly have. It never leaves you; it just rests for a while. And this game sent me into a downward spiral of depression, mostly thinking about the safety and health of my closest friends, of whom the characters in this depressing game made me think of. And the more I thought about it, the worse it got. I started losing sleep because it was all I could think about. When I did finally get to sleep I stopped getting up because being fully awake just meant I had to think about DDLC more and...

Basically, this game fucked me up. A lot. I know I tweeted about it a whole bunch, but I tried to stop myself doing that. I made a private blog just to get all the depressing thoughts out of my brain, which helped a lot (and I don’t think I’ll share it ever, ‘cause it’s pretty dark). This game is a nightmare. My own personal nightmare. (I’d also like to point out the 3 main characters of this game each represent 3/4 of my biggest fears in life. Heck, if you consider Monika to represent being sociable then it’s 4/4...)

But the worst thing, THE WORST THING: people aren’t taking any of it seriously. Yes, I am aware the whole game isn’t meant to be serious. I love Monika memes as much as the next guy (pro’lly more in fact) but suicide is NOT a joke. The fact the whole Logan Paul thing happened around the same time I played this did NOT help and I have seen WAY to many Sayori/Logan Paul memes online and it is NOT FUNNY. I am serious. Every single time one appears in a thread on twitter or in a YouTube comment section I want to fucking vomit. Please, for the love of everything, anything, just please be kind. To me, to each other, to the rest of the world. Do NOT joke about suicide. I know some people use jokes as a way to deal with things, I get it, I do, but joking about such a serious topic just makes it seem like a nonissue. 

Mental health is no joke. Not only have I suffered with depression by whole life but I’m also autistic; to many people’s surprise. I’ve dealt with it pretty well (if I do say so myself) but that, along with other mental health stuff that always crops up when I least expect it, has affected me in ways you couldn’t possibly imagine. And that’s why mental health is so important to me. I might be doing alright now but whose to say what the future holds? And even if I’m okay, what about everyone else? Everyone has their own issues and making light of this situation just makes it seem like what their going through is stupid. Belittling the idea of suicide, for example, might make someone more likely to commit it, because they feel the whole world is agaisnt them. And I know, everyone just posts suicide hotlines whenever the topic comes up, but have you ever stopped to consider the people who are terrified of using the phone? Because we do exist. I’m terrified of a lot of human interaction honestly. Just talking to people, even my friends, is scary to me. So please don’t belittle what anyone is going through. Take Sayori as an example: With her, when the player tried to support her through her troubles it made them seem worse and that’s what pushed her over the edge. You have to tread extremely carefully with this topic and do NOT treat it as a joke. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES.

I really don’t wanna leave this on a sour note though, so let’s talk about Monika!

Monika: She’s great, isn’t she? Remember our eternal date? That was nice. She wrote me a nice song too. I love it! Here are some fun Monika memes I made to cheer you up after reading my darkest eternal thoughts: 

https://twitter.com/YukisPanda/status/951486529607815168

https://twitter.com/YukisPanda/status/951647576587165696

Just remember to always be kind, no matter what!

[balitix]

Coco Bandicoot from Crash Bandicoot 2 Saw some cool Coco art the other day and it got me in a Crash mood, had a ton of fun with this one.

[theyukiverse]

So recently I quit Twitter due to my distaste from how the majority of the internet are reacting to a certain recent event and I’m finding it really hard. Like, not reading all of that shit is good, it’s great! But I’m the kind of person that needs to let my thoughts out instead of bottling them all up and I have no place to do that. That’s why I liked Twitter: You can jot your thoughts down really quick and not drag them on for too long and then it’s done. But now I don’t have a place to do that. Or more to the point, I’m writing this as a substitute for that. Whether it’s important topics or just my opinions on he most recent Game Grumps episode or how Pokémon’s 20th anniversary starts with Mew, my favourite Pokémon; I like to be able to talk about this shit but now I can’t really... Kinda sucks. Hey, people on the internet: Be less dickish please, so I can frequent Twitter again!

[theyukiverse]

I got a lot to get off of my chest...

I try to keep my Twitter as positive as possible and recently, I've not been in a very positive place and to be honest, I just need to get it off of my chest, because I KNOW bottling up does no good, hence why I'm writing here all of a sudden. Before, I'd be the kind of person to just open up to everyone, I wasn't afraid to admit I was struggling, everyone knew I was suffering with depression. Now that sentence is weird to me as it's in the past tense, when in reality, it shouldn't be. I still am, it's not something that just cures itself... So, why am I saying it in past tense? Simple: no-one cares any more. I don't think my friends EVER cared (sorry, "friends" I should say, do they really count as friends if they don't care about you?) In the past I could always go to my mother, but even then she was no help: She's a lovely woman but she's very set in her ways and trying to say something in a different way just makes NO sense to her and whatever problem you tell her, while she might pretend to care, her only reactions are ever to start to talking about herself and her experiences. I think she's trying to help, but to honest, it really isn't...

So, who do I talk to? Well, no-one now. I've kept a lot of secrets about myself in my life time sure, but I'v always TRIED to be as open as possible and I would never lie about something. I have major trust issues that go all the way back to my childhood. I had this friend in middle school called Hallem Frogly (I don't care if I use his full name, the guy's an ass-hole). Back at a time when I was first discovering that I liked girls (you know how it is when you're growing up) he asked me about it one day. At this point, we were really close and I thought to myself "maybe I can actually trust him". I guess before that I'd never really NEEDED to trust anyone with anything, but my mother was such a blabbermouth at that point I daren't tell her anything lest I want the entire town to know about it. So, I entrusted him with the information of who I had a crush on, under the strictest guidance that he told NOBODY. This was on a Friday, so I didn't think much about it over the weekend, but when I went in on the Monday and the person I sit next to in class whispered to me that he knew who I had a crush on, I got worried. Like, I figured the person in question wouldn't tell anyone, but who'd to say whether he did or not. Regardless, it doesn't matter. He flat out told me Hallem told him, which he was under strict guidence to tell NO-ONE. Of course, one of the many bullies who used to pick on me back then burst into the room and yelled this information aloud and it occurred to me that this entire time Hallem had only pretended to be my friends when in fact he was in cohorts with the bullies all along. Needless to say the girl pretended to be disgusted by the idea of dating me (which was pro'lly a self-defence thing; no-one would want to admit to liking the most picked on person in the school. I found out in later years, at another school, that she had a crush on me, so Hallem REALLY ruined something special for me there...) but regardless, what could I do? I had people being extra mean to me all day, Hallem was no-where to be seen and my trust had been shattered. I ended up skipping the last 3 weeks of school because of some camping trip which went on too long and then I burned all the skin off of my back because my father is an ass-hole as well and he doesn't believe you need to put sunscreen on the whitest kid there ever was in really hot weather when he's been swimming... Nah, that'd be a dumb idea, right? (I'm still suffering to this day because of that sunburn actually... In retrospect, that was an AWFUL summer for me...) So, I've never seen Hallem since and it's pro'lly a good thing. While I'm not one to actively hold a grudge, seeing him again might bring up bad memories for me and I could snap. I don't know how many people I've told this story to before (usually in more detail, but I'm typing this, so I'm not gonna) but like I said, no-one seems to care. I don't know what I did that put everyone off of me, it's gotta be said. When I was in college, I started to really come out of my shell. I made a bunch of friends, we started up a Yu-Gi-Oh! club which was really fun (technically we didn't start it, but we were the majority of the people there) and I had a bunch of new friends. Out of the people I met during the college period of my life, only 2 of them even still talk to me... In fact, I've not really kept more than 1 friend from each period of my life. I knew Toby & Jordan from pre-school, but me and Jordan only became close when I was in 6th form and then we drifted apart. Me & Toby only became close after I finished college. Me & Sam have been friends since childhood, but he's usually too busy for me. Rhys was high school. Declan I met in 6th form, but I guess we became friends because of college. Dan was also college I guess, so you could say they were the same time period. Even still, Dan & Toby barely ever speak to me, Rhys & Jordan NEVER speak to me. Sam never has the time and God only knows what goes on in Delcan's head. I did a few extra years at college in which I met Adam and he still chats with me on the odd occasion. The people I really talk to the most now are Trainstation (who I met through doing livestreams with Rhys) and Number24Insane (who's my favourite subscriber over on TheYukiverse). Me & train talk about YuGiOh & Smash Bros. on Skype all the time & 24's always chatting with me on Twitter and in my videos' comments. The fact that the 2 people who care the most about me are 2 people that have never met me before and only know things I've specifically told them (or put in a video, in the case of 24, but that's essentially the same thing, as he's really the only person who watches all of my videos...) just tells me there must be something wrong with me. I've asked people before what it is, but no-one will ever tell me. Toby, Dan and Adam all say I'm their best friend and they would trust me with anything because I'm such a nice guy and I'm never judgemental, yet I can't trust any of them with anything. Sam also considers me his best friend, and Declan says I's his second closest friend. If I'm so important to all of these people, why won't they talk to me? Why won't they let me talk to them? I understand males often have a problem with communication, but females instinctively hate me because... Well, I don't know, I guess the same reason that my "friends" hate me, so I have to make do with the people I know, and when I can't talk to them... Well, I'm fresh out of options. Sure, this is a nice temporary solution; getting shit off my chest by blabbing it all on tumblr, but it's not a proper solution. No-one will read this, no-one will give me advice, I'm not any closer to having any sort of help. Sure, there's are hotlines you can call for depression, but did you know I have a phobia of using phones? I've never made it a secret that I don't own a mobile phone and I never intend to and part of that is because I HATE talking over the phone. I just won't do it. The only things that scares me more than talking over the phones are knives (I have Aichmophobia, of the fear of sharp objects {mainly knives and broken glass}) and losing my favourite plush. That may sound stupid but she means more to me than anyone will ever understand. Hell, I know I would have topped myself multiple times by now if I didn't have her. She's basically like a calming agent for me. If ever I'm angry, stressed, suicidal; she's the only thing that can calm me down. And if any on ever does anything to her, they will face my eternal wrath (that's pro'lly why Jordan doesn't talk to me any more, I flipped my shit when he nearly sat on her once...)

At this point, I'm just rambling... I'm just depressed, alright? And if LittleKuriboh's videos on the matter have taught me anything, it's that the best way to get through depression is to have a lot of people who care about you around. He keeps taking about how there ARE people who care, even if you don't know, but really? I'm actively SEARCHING for them and I can't find them. I do believe Trainstation and Number24Insane really do care (I do know both of their real names, but I'd feel bad using them without their permission considering I don't know either IRL) but the people who know me in real life obviously couldn't give a crap... I don't know what to do, tell me what to do, someone, anyone... Wow, that sounded really pretentious XD That was unintentional, but regardless, and and all help would be appreciated. If anyone knows how to make friends when you're as shy as me, let me know. There are no clubs or activities around here. I don't drink and despise drunk people. I'm basically a massive nerd whose spent most of his life sitting inside playing card games and video games and now I'm in a house which I hate so I feel alienated both inside AND outside and I'm pretty much lost in the world. I have no worldy skills to help me get a job, my YouTube channel has been failing ever since it was created and I don't know if I can make good content that new people will want to watch all on my own... So, I'm running out of money, suffering with depression, stuck in a place I never want to be and I have no-one to turn to. You can pro'lly see why I'm feeling so much like crap by now XD (fun fact, just because I use the "XD" smiley a lot does NOT mean I'm happy. I often use it to simulate when I SHOULD be laughing, but, in fact, I very rarely laugh any more... I revel in the fact there are some really funny YouTubers out there like PBG, BrutalMoose, Dexter Manning, Game Grumps... If it wasn't for them, I'd have pro'lly forgotten HOW to laugh at this point; I haven't been able to laugh at something in real life since about 2013...

Anyway, I'm gonna bugger off now. If someone actually read this: for a start, kudos to you for reading this literal wall of text, good job XD Secondly, if you do feel like being a nice person and wanna be friends, let me know ^_^ As long as you know I'm always honest (often times too honest, so bare that in mind) I'm sure we can get a long...

[theyukiverse]

My dream was bullying me...

Right now, I feel the worst I have felt in a LONG time...

I'm pretty sure this all started yesterday when my mother informed me that the food I have eaten as breakfast since I was a small child was pretty much cancer-incarnate. Ever since she's told me that, I've had this horrible taste in my mouth.

Then, in my dream, ignoring all the random, nonsensical stuff like Josh and Amber from Neighbours being in it (sometimes the stuff in my dream makes literally 0 sense), I had to buy some food. I don't know why my dream was so focused on me buying food, but w/e. Past that, it kept skipping to every part when had to eat said food I bought. Each time I ate some of the food I kept having a horrible taste in my mouth and I'd suddenly realise the food I was eating actually contained fish.

To most they might find that normal, but I'm a vegetarian and have been since I was about 11 years old, so his is absolutely sickening to me. I literally wanted to barf every time (hell, even in the dream I kept pulling all the parts of it back out of my mouth and binning it).

It was only after I woke up with that horrible taste in my mouth that I realised it's the same horrible taste I had when I was informed I've been ingesting cancer everyday of my life for the past infinity years...

And now I feel even worse; Not only do I still have that horrible taste in my mouth, but I don't know how ling I'll last throughout the day, let alone the week, without eating breakfast... They say it's the most important part of the day for a reason and I feel like utter shit right now...

Rant over, go back to your normal routine while I sit here, slowly dying... If you suddenly hear I've died of cancer (God forbid) then don't be too surprised :/

[theyukiverse]

The whole "moving house" Business

Only today did I remember I have a Tumblr, or I would have written about this a while ago. Prepare yourself for an essay, there's a lot here:

So, for quite some time now I've mentioned the fact that I am "moving house", which is entirely true. But, as you might or might not have guessed, there have been some complications... And by some I mean, we were supposed to have finished moving house at the beginning of May... So, yea. I figured I'd use this opportunity to let you all in what has actually been happening, why I haven't had as much time to make videos and how this affects TheYukiverse in general.

First up, for anyone thinking I'm giving up YouTube, this is NOT happening. I'm not putting in any less effort and soon as this whole debacle is over, YouTube video-making will take up all of my attention. For now, unfortunately, real life is making YouTube take a back-seat... 

I am still gonna go out of my way to make sure my Daily Minecraft Video stays daily, even if that means I have a string of 4/5 Hunger Games videos in a row; it's better than nothing. And I mean, I love playing Hunger Games, it's just I know you guys want those other series'; Pixelmon Reboot is still underway, they just take a bit longer to make, and the mini-series I did with both Dan and Jordan on Argraian Skies has 2 more episodes to come, I just haven't finished editing them yet, so bare with me. I do still have a few other things to edit through and upload, non Minecraft related, but they won't be uploaded on any kind of schedule, I'm afraid. Not until this is all over.

As for the actual moving house itself, here's what's going down:

As of right now, we have a buyer for our house and they have agreed to everything and signed whatever they need to sign. That part of moving has all been sorted and there are no complications. As for the place we're buying... It's a little different. I won't go into detail about all the stuff that has been past and been resolved already, but currently we're still having a lot of problems. Essentially, My mother needs the money from selling the house to pay off my Father (who I shall not mention again for I wish to keep this blog PG and I don't think I could control my language...) for something that went down many years ago that is out of her control at this point in time (again, this is more personal to her, so I'm not sharing any details of this, but trust me when I say it sucks. Royally.) The deadline for this money is mid-June (which as you know, is rapidly approaching) so we really need to get moved QUICK. But, the place we're buying... well...

We found this amazing flat, it's literally perfect. The top floor of the building is one giant room (which I would be having), which gives me enough space to store all my jank, be able to record many more videos (as I could record later into the night on account of being far enough away from my mother's room that she wouldn't hear) and I could even start selling stuff on eBay again (which would be awesome, as I have no job to keep me financially stable). So, there is no problems with the flat itself; we're both in agreement that this place is perfect for us. The problem is the leaseholder. The current tenant of the flat has a different leaseholder to the one we'd have if we bought the place. The problem with that is, none of the estate agents or solicitors seem to know who it is. Their name isn't on any documentation and the contract that has been written up for us to agree to has some rather un-agreeable terms (some of which would get us sued the second we moved in...). While people have been trying to find out exactly who the new leaseholder is, no-one seems to know how to get ahold of them and without being able to do that, we cannot possibly agree to the contract.

I mean, even if we get this problem sorted, we've had so many up to this point I have no doubt there would be something else wrong. In this time, I've not really been fully focused on trying to sort out all my stuff (bare in mind I've lived in this house since I was born, so there is 20+ years of my life right here; it's kind of hard to just sort it all out in one go XD). So while I've been half-assedly sorting my stuff out, I haven't had time for YouTube as much. 

Of course, what I need is some kind of balance, but to be perfectly honest, I don't want to work out said balance while I'm living in limbo like this. Like I said previously, I'll get me a schedule the second we're done moving, but until then, I'm afraid I just can't have YouTube as my focal point, I've gotta help sort out everything else.

So, apologies to any of my fans who read this and get disapointed that it's not all sorted out yet, and I'm sorry that I can't give you any sort of date or time-frame as to how long this might take, because I have no idea myself. As soon as I know anything conclusive, you've find out straight away, promise ;)

[theyukiverse]

What does TheYukiverse have in store for us?

Lot's of things, really. For video content, I have a lot of games planned and a lot current, on-going series' to keep making. I've finished recording my Banjo-Kazooie LP and there's plenty more episodes to go, which goes up Wednesday and Saturday each week (if possible on my end). I do a daily Minecraft show, that includes, but is not limited to: random mini-games, One in the Chamber, Hunger Games, Pixelmon Nuzlocke Challenge and other random moments. Pokémon Showdown is an on-and-off series I do whenever I possibly can. Draw My Thing and Awesomenauts are 2 series' I'm going to be recording with TheTitanova. I plan on getting a 3DS capture device, and when I do, I have plenty of videos for that. There is also Sonic Adventure I have planned w/ TheTitanova, LoZ:OoT I have planned with PiercedPagen, FFXIII which I have started recording with FoolishTobs.

There may not be all that much up there now, but there are many glorious things to come, so subscribing is really a must on your part :P (but, only if you really want to: I know I'd love it if you did :D )

[theyukiverse]

As part of my previous post, I did a "12 days of Otaku Christmas" thing. I really like how it turned out, but I don't think enough people saw it to like it. A few did on twitter, but not much past that.

[theyukiverse]

Last year, I drew a picture almost every day of the year! This year, I intend to draw one EVERY day! Wish me luck :D

[theyukiverse]

WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

Since I lost all my memories from before I was 8, and have since then forgotten a lot about my childhood, it would pro'lly be playing "Devel's Lore", a game of my own creation that was somewhat like an RPG or a story with some toys, that I used to play with my friend Damon. Ah, good times.

[theyukiverse]

The start of something special

Well, I guess this is the first Tumblr post of TheYukiverse. You don't know how many times today I went to type "Team YukiOh" instead of TheYukiverse... I guess old habits die hard, right? But this is a new step for me and I hope TheYukiverse does well in it's life :D I'm looking forward to gettign started, but at the time of posting this, I've currently lost my voice. So, as soon as I find him, I'll get right onto it.

See ya :D