The Truth is..

[theywishtotouchme]

I have Aspergers and anxiety

My insides feel hot and tense

So tense that I want to scream and hit something

But mostly I want to disappear

The guilt is crippling

So intense I wish it would go away I want to run but that would only make it worse because then I'd worry about where I'd go

I can't look at anyone I can't make words

I can't tell you why or how I'm feeling most of the time I don't even know myself

I'll just sit there with pain on my face while you get more mad cause I won't speak

I just want to shrink so small I disappear then I'd stop worrying about my awkwardness

I feel like there is no place for me

I feel faulty

Like I don't belong

Why the fuck am I here and why can't I make them understand

I'm not stupid

I'm not trying to piss you off

I do care

I just can't communicate it

I try and all that comes out is I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

[theywishtotouchme]

The underrated girl living in the glass case

I just feel the same way I often do at night when I'm off work and I have no distractions and am sitting here by myself. It really sinks in. I really start to realize how alone I am. My family isn't here and everything's all fucked up and my mom is relying on me for strength that I fake and hope that I'm not even sure of but I feed to her anyways because if I don't she will starve. The few friends I have and even the men that I've been with there's always a distance. I'm living in a glass case. So fucking lonely and my thoughts are vibrating so loud. They call me brave they call me inspiring and smart and they mean it but they still lack the ability to understand me or themselves or the world in a true way. And it's why I'm stuck in this case it looks like I'm there it seems so real but it isn't. I'm suffocating breathing in air through the cracks that their halfway attempts to reach me have left in the glass.

[theywishtotouchme]

I'm gonna call him even though I know he isn't going to answer

Not because I believe he actually misses me and will pick up..

I just literally cannot physically stop myself

[theywishtotouchme]

Smoking this cigarette is almost Better than sex when I’m lonely<

[theywishtotouchme]

A whole new love

My friends called me up and they say what we gon do

All this work and no play takes up the whole day

How is this gonna be right if I'm not beside you

We drink our drink we smoke our weed

And we say yea and we say yea

You said you get off at 5 Tonight

I've been waiting since the last time

Can hardly contain what I got on the inside butterflies

We gon drink our drink we gon smoke our weed

And we say yea and we say yea

It's a whole new love it's a whole new love made with party's and drugs made of bodies and fun

[theywishtotouchme]

You're not the right girl

You're not a nice girl

But you're laying next to me

I'm feelin lonely

Come on just hold me

And kiss all the lonely out of me

[theywishtotouchme]

It's like pickin up sticks with no hands or limbs

It's like watching a candle burn with no flame or wick

It's like trying to fly with no wings and no sky

Heavens supposed to be full of light and butterflies

But what if it isn't when I die

Sirens sound all around drag me down in to my grave

Angels come pull me up up in to outer space

My stone heart my crying eyes I cant tell if I'm Alive

What is color what is light My mouth is getting dry

I try to speak I try to yell but my tongue won't move

My angels are demons they cover my eyes they're trying to take me and make me the fool

Do I resist? Do I stand a chance ?

I created this mess I created all my stress..

I'm fighting myself battling it out

Ripping myself up and tearing myself down

Funny how we're born from love but so often for ourselves forget to enable it

We judge others and hate on ourselves

What is wrong with acceptance do we need a demonstration?

Little light oh little light somewhere deep inside

I shouldn't have left you

I should have protected you

you kept me warm and safe at night

You were always right about everything in this life

But I chose the strife

[theywishtotouchme]

On the inside

When you hate yourself as much as I do The constant insecurities fuckin with my sanity Making me feel like I'm constantly losing everything How ami supposed to live how am I supposed to cope Always second guessing everyone's love Not being able to take a joke on the inside I start to choke While I smile to your face I come undone like the thread in lace I'm fragile but I'll never let you know Another party I don't want to go to Pity isn't what I need from you Look in my eyes and what do you see Everyone looks but hardly ever really sees You say what do you mean I turn to go and I say of course yea that's exactly what I mean.

[theywishtotouchme]

Priceless

You are not like Diamonds You are not like gold You are not a treasure to hold You are a masterpiece one of a kind to behold

[theywishtotouchme]

Imagine

It’s never real until you say something.

[wont-time-love-us]

You are setting fires in your attic trying to feel something again you are setting fires in your attic and hoping it doesn’t catch the drapes hoping it does hoping it runs along the walls and burns its way to the kitchen light the stove on fire and call it dinner light the tv on fire and call it entertainment it’s all harmless if you’re the only one getting hurt and you are the only one getting hurt the rooms are all empty, you’re the only one who’s lived here for awhile everyone cleared out at the first sign of matches they’ve all heard the stories of the last time you got your hands on a lighter and they know it wasn’t pretty you are setting fire to the attic you are setting fire to yourself.

This is your coping method– Lily Rain (via wont-time-love-us)

[theywishtotouchme]

Meaningless sex

Him: So you are ok with just keeping it casual..?

Me: Yea. Why do you seem so surprised?

Him: I thought in the beginning you said you didn't do meaningless sex..

Me: Just because it's meaningless for you doesn't mean it's meaningless for me.

[theywishtotouchme]

I love my pain

After all this time I’ve realized I don’t want to be happy. I’m scared of being happy all the time. Or at least as happy as a generally happy person is. I’d rather feel the adrenaline rush of doing things I know could kill me. I like the scratches I get from the beast I dangle myself in front of as bait. It’s exciting. I’m hopelessly in love with the rainy days and beautiful, beautiful tragedy watching a rose wilt and rewinding the process in my brain over and over again like a cassette tape in awe of life in its entirety. The never ending hunger of fire. I feel fire inside of me. It keeps me going but burns me in to ash at the same time. Hollowing out my insides in to the dark lonely cave I reside in. Pulsing pain I lay awake in the night feeling my burns as they blister only dreaming of the fires warm bright light filling me once again.

[theywishtotouchme]

Candles and Spotify

Netflix and bread

[theywishtotouchme]

How did you expect me to keep you happy when I couldn't even keep myself happy

Me

[evergreenwords]

I can’t feel things.

It’s happened again.

Perhaps this the price.

The price of my sin.

I hunger for nothing

But I hunger for life.

I remain stance less

As I battle my strife.

I am but a fish washed up on the shore.

How can I dream as I die on the floor?

I cannot comprehend the things I must do.

In order to make it, to just make it through.

I’ve been trying for eons, I’m trying I swear.

Our minds are forever, so buyers beware.

I see the sparkle, the glimmer, the shine.

But it’s not enough to help pass the time.

The black of the brine rises up in my head.

How can I smile when I hardly can tread?

For I cannot create my own contentment.

It’s the reason I’m bitter, and full of resentment.

I look to the future and that makes it worse.

So I sing and I live, I live for the verse.

- s.z (The Present Verse)

[theywishtotouchme]

My life

[theywishtotouchme]

I said I was taken but you wouldn’t guess it’s by two My heart by one and my body by another This is what it truly means to be torn in two

My life