poetry & hearbreak

all i have left are these words in my mind

[thingsmustpass]

i can’t keep begging you to love me in the way that i desperately deserve.

[thingsmustpass]

i deleted most traces of you but could never get myself to delete our texts

i spent all night crying because i went through them again

god i wish i had the balls to delete them

[thingsmustpass]

i made a friend with your same name -

but an a in place of e

and i wonder if you ever

stop to think about me.

because i had to change

her contact in my phone

since seeing her name sent me back to you

and all over again i’d feel alone.

sometimes she says

the things you used to,

and sometimes i imagine

if instead it was you.

[thingsmustpass]

i don’t think it ever gets easier knowing i was the one that fucked it up

[thingsmustpass]

i don’t write as much as i used to. growing up, getting an education and a job, all that has really burned me out and i haven’t had time to write as much as i want to. but i promise i will keep posting and trying. i see all your messages and i’m sorry i haven’t had the time to respond. i love all of you who continue to follow me when i’ve barely been able to check <3 you are all wonderful and i will try to post more of my writing here

[thingsmustpass]

i made my bed

now i must lay

it feels like i held your hand

just yesterday.

the ache in my heart

won’t go away

and maybe this is it -

the pain is here to stay.

i miss waking up to your texts

and falling asleep on the phone.

long distance was tough

but nothing like being alone.

so for now i skip

our song in my playlist

and i wonder what it would be like

if i didn’t have you to miss.

[thingsmustpass]

i wish i knew how to just snap my fingers and fix everything.

[thingsmustpass]

i feel like my fucking heart is being ripped out of my chest as i lay paralyzed not being able to stop the hand reaching in and pulling it out, veins and all. the pit in my stomach won’t go away as i cry out again and again hoping it’s a nightmare i can wake up from. i’ve never been one to feel things lightly, but the fresh wounds and blood stained clothes remind me that i can’t stop this and i never will. i will always live with this intense emotion, and the only way to stop it is when i stop existing.

[thingsmustpass]

you came into my life

and left too many times

how do i know

this time will be fine?

he hurt me too much

and i only knew him two years

you and i - it’s been ten

am i valid in my fears?

i don’t want to lose the spark

or fall out of love

and with you, my dear,

that might be tough

you give me back

all the hope he stole

and the heart he shattered,

well, you make it whole

[thingsmustpass]

i miss how things used to be

i miss it so much

you used to be there and comfort me

now we’re out of touch

since the minute you stopped

i’ve reflected and grown

why did you ghost me?

did you want to be alone?

my mind plays tricks on me -

says “you ruined it all”

it takes everything in me

to not take the fall

[thingsmustpass]

i thought if i couldn’t escape you in my mind, i could at least escape you in my dreams. and every time i have a bad dream now it’s because you found a way in somehow.

[thingsmustpass]

i know i’ve been away and probably made a few of you wonder what happened to my posts. so much has changed in the past year and things are different now and i miss writing more than anything. i’m gonna work harder to post because i still have a lot of things to say and write about and express. i’m grateful for everyone who sticks around to see my progress and how i’ve grown. i’m not ashamed of who i was, but it helps me be a better person today.

[thingsmustpass]

hate having to hide things about myself and simultaneously hiding things i hate about myself.

it’s a constant cycle.

[thingsmustpass]

you apologize for every little thing you think is an inconvenience but i want you to know that you don’t have to. you make life worth it by just existing and rambling on about everything and i’m going to be here to listen. i may not know you well yet, i may not know your favorite song or the reasons why you can’t sleep at night but i do know this is going to turn into something spectacular.

you just feel natural to me

[thingsmustpass]

i don’t know what this is, or what it’s going to become. but all i can do for now is hold on to the hope that this light feeling in my chest doesn’t disappear anytime soon.

you’re making me feel things again and i think it’ll be different this time.

[thingsmustpass]

he hurt me in the worst way possible; told me lies of the future and gave me hope before he turned around to another and gave the same speech.

[thingsmustpass]

he told me i was the only one for him in this world and turned around and whispered the same words in another girl’s ears. i shouldn’t be surprised but maybe if i had looked at the signs i could have turned around and hit the ground running when i still had the chance to not be caught in his fishing net at the end of the day.

he makes you weak in your knees but you can’t even tell him because you’re so busy trying to pretend you don’t care until you’re trying to catch your breath under the currents of the sea; just another one of his victims.