A Resting Place for All Thoughts

[thinkalittlelouder]

When you are cut so deep and that gaping wound finally heals over. A scar still remains. Reminding you of that time of pain.

-s

[thinkalittlelouder]

My bones ache without you, my body knows. It knows you're missing, and you have been for sometime now. My eyes look for you everywhere and I am helpless. My head wonders to the past, curious for your words in my ear again. But my heart remembers the pain you bare.

-s

[thinkalittlelouder]

And I know you... like my lungs know air.

-s

[thinkalittlelouder]

"It Gets Better"

Oh the cliche responses, and ill attempts to inspire someone who's depressed. All the "it will all work out in the end" "it gets better" "it's only temporary" "you'll get where you need to be". I wonder if this is what they truly believe. I smile and agree, but it's a lie. Life isnt a fairy tale. Life isnt some movie where you end up happy in the end. The reality is sometimes it doesnt get better. Sometimes people are miserable for their whole lives. Sometimes it doesn't work out. We believe in a false future. One full of laughter and love. We all believe we will end up in the careers we are passionate about, making a decent living with the love of your life at your side. It's not always realistic unfortunately. Sometimes you never find that person, and you settle for comfortable, convenience, and the desire to not be alone. You settle for the job you hate but puts food on the table. You settle. I dont want that. I dont want to settle, I want to live a life worth living. But sometimes you dont get that sometimes it doesnt work out.

sometimes it doesnt get better.

sometimes it's not worth it...

-s

[thinkalittlelouder]

Numb Love

I fell, and I fell hard. Enough to shatter every bone in my being. Broken to my core. I use to believe in true love. I believed in fate. I had an unquenchable thirst that only another could temporarily satisfy. I wanted a love that didn't die but grew stronger. I hopeless believed. I believed I tasted it. I felt what it was like to want to give your everything to someone. I wanted to be the person you needed. The one who made you laugh, the one that pissed you off, the one you went to, the one you wanted to build forever with, I wanted to be the one you wanted wholly. The one you would give your whole self to. I wanted real. I wanted unconditionally. I wanted doubtlessness. I wanted to be seen, fully seen. I needed to be pulled out of my darkness. I needed someone to rescue me. For a brief moment I thought I was. But, love is a lie. Love doesn't exist. Love is painful, so fucking painful. Love is never meeting his expectations. Love is never being enough for someone you poured your whole self to. Love is not giving up on someone who gave up on you. Love is wondering eyes. Love is a game. Love doesnt love you. Numb is all I feel now. Love, along with Santa claus and the Easter bunny is a hoax. Real love doesnt exist, it's meant for the movies.

[thinkalittlelouder]

Heroin

Intoxicating. Setting free all your endorphins at once, allowing them to dance throughout your body. Caressing all the right spots and making your body quiver with excitement. Pure euphoria. The seductive words of the devil lick at you cheek, enticing you to play. You are hypnotized. It's a deadly invigorating addiction indeed. You. My drug of choice, the high is one you consistantly crave, but its lows are filled of loathing and exhaustion. Once in play, it soon comes to light. The curtain falls and the ugly seeps through. Allowing the awaiting monsters to come out to play. Just like heroin there is no dabbling, quitting cold turkey is the only way to quit you. It's time to sober up.

[thinkalittlelouder]

Eyes Seeing Again

It's amazing how blind love can make you, and how long it takes for that veil to be lifted from your eyes. I was broken for so long, only seeing my flaws and the flaws of others. I spent each passing day interested in no one... except one. But I guess getting hurt again and again by that person, continuously allowing them to show you how little you mean to them, something breaks. You realize your worth. I remember the day I saw beauty in people again, I saw the opportunities I had before me. I didnt need the love of someone so hateful, I had others there to remind me of myself. I started to feel like myself again I became confident and strong. I'm not searching for love, because I know it will come in time. Someone who see's my worth who loves me whole heartedly and wont let me forget that. Until then I'll be that girl you dream of. Your missed opportunity, because I am the shit and fuck you for ever making me think differently.

-S🖕

[thinkalittlelouder]

Without you I feel sane. I feel calm and in control. I come back to life. You are like an unlit match and the second my eyes register your face, you ignite. Fiery, wild and beautiful. I am drawn to you like a moth to light, but your flame always ends up burning my wings in the end. So I have to put you out, out of my head.

-s

[thinkalittlelouder]

Dad

A word I don't say often. I remember being your little sidekick when I was a child and seeing you in a heroic light. But as I grew your demons became more and more real. I refused to believe them for what the were. Everyone's Dad drank, right?  But did they all come home late at night to wake you and scream in your face or some nights not come home at all? You were so angry. I remember it being a regular occurrence for the house to be filled with hateful screams late at night. I was young yet and there is a lot I don't remember about your abuse. Mom took all 5 of us away, I was about 11 or so, to be somewhere safe. You called her laughing saying”Goodluck, whos going to want you with 5 kids” as time went on you only grew worse becoming resentful and further poisoning your mind with drugs and alcohol. But still, I loved you. You wouldn't call for months, and when you did the conversations were full of hate and blaming others for your misfortunes. You forgot birthdays, and missed graduations, you started to become a figment of my imagination and I stopped caring. I rarely spoke of you and didn't bother to. You become nothing to me. I am an adult now and I see things much clearer. I see your broken soul, and decaying mind and now I can only mourn what you could have been. You were once such a smart man, with his own company and family, but you handed your life over to a bottle and a couple colored pills. In those occasions when we do speak and the word “Dad” slips between my lips my heart now aches. I have no Dad. That man died years ago when he made his choice. I think how things should have been different how you should have woken up and came back to life, came back to us, but it's far too late now your mind is shot and you are forever the way you will be and I can do nothing more but to accept this. Accept you and hold on to the very small amount of memory and moments of when my father was my Dad. 

[thinkalittlelouder]

Selfish

I remember my anxiety was so bad one night, I cried till there was nothing left, and never slept. I explained this to you and the shitty thoughts that crept in to my head. I explained I wasn't feeling well mentally and felt kind of irritable, so bare with me and just help me. I remember you getting so mad and telling me you didn't have time for that shit, that I was acting crazy. You told me to talk to you when I wasn't so crazy. I cried my way to work that day. You didn't care, you probably still dont. The one person I needed I thought I could trust, pushed me away and laughed. I wanted to die that day. Then you said I needed to apologize to you because I started it. Selfish.

[thinkalittlelouder]

This isn't love this is convenience

-s

[thinkalittlelouder]

Selfish

Remember when I passed out at work and came home to you, I was feeling sick. You sat talked to me about your video games and never asked how I felt. You said you were exhausted and going to bed early, which you did. I got up three times that night and puked my brains out. You barely even stirred. Finally I fell asleep and the next morning I told you what happened. And all you said was "Well now I'm kinda worried you're going to get me sick". I remember laying in bed with you for days while you were sick buying you anything to make you feel better, food drinks whatever you needed, and i never once worried about me potentially getting sick. Because I didn't care, I just wanted to take care of you when you needed me. Yet it is to much to ask for you to do the same. Selfish.

[thinkalittlelouder]

You.

I watch you, very closely and study all of you. I don't think you realize just how observant i am. You have changed, but not in the way I hoped. You don't love me anymore. I see it in the way you don't look at me anymore, not in the ways you used to. There is no longing, just coldness. I've listened closely to your words, your "I love you"'s have become barren. The ones you spit out are dry and dying. But you don't want to say how you feel, you don't want the responsibility of breaking a heart. Little do you know you do it every day. So instead you push. You stopped touching me like you use to. You use to run your hand over me hungrily never getting enough, and would kiss me for hours and tell me how I melted your cold heart and you loved me with your everything. Now your touch has become lessened just as your love for me has. I wish you would just set me free and tell me yourself. But I am addicted to you, my boy. I grow hopeful that you will love me again, that you will want to. That is what kills me. There is nothing worse then loving someone whole heartedly and know for a fact that, that love is not there in return. It makes me sick and I feel as is my only option is to run. Run away from you and all your hate and carelessness. To rid my feeling of being meaningless in your eyes. The object of all you aggravation. I replay words of the past. When you so easily slipped yourself between the legs of another and called it love. I remember when we started to catch fire again and you still spoke with "my replacement" and I remember how cold and bitter and mean you were to me during those times and I saw the words on your phone to her "sweet dreams" you said. I find it amusing a girl you said ment nothing received more caring words from you then I was receiving. All I'm met with is a half ass "night". What a horrible person you truly are. I am in love with a snake. I am embarrassed I ever let you in again, I hate that I let you have me twice, and you continue to break me. I feel dumb for letting you ruin me. You are a selfish creature and I was willing to give you my everything even with your abuse. What a dumb girl I am.

[thinkalittlelouder]

Sharp and sudden like glass is being pushed through my veins and travels though all of me. Spilintering off and impaling me from within. The pain pushes the air out of my lungs, my chest tightens, I feel breathless, so I inhale sharply. This is anxiety.

-s

[thinkalittlelouder]

I'm going to destroy myself in the process of loving you

-s

[thinkalittlelouder]

You have ruined even my name. I've learned to hate it seep from between your lips. It's been tainted with thoughts of another.

-s

[thinkalittlelouder]

My chest tightens with every passing minute. I check my phone again, nothing. I feel my heart pounding, almost as if it's about to tear through my chest and I'm going to have to go chasing after it. My head is nearly detached from my body and I don't know how to handle all of this. I start to tremble. I'm angry, I'm sad. I feel so betrayed and broken. I feel dumb for letting myself believe I mattered in your eyes. How disappointing a feeling. I cry out for help, but I am met with only silence.

-s