When life gives you lemons...

Anxiety sucks!!!

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[thinkanxiety-blog]

Be You!

When people think of anxiety they think that you can just grow out of it and that it can be sorted out. But it can't.

Anxiety is an actual mental illness, AND I know a lot of people don't like to call it that but it is true. You have to face up to that fact.

Not being able to enjoy life properly sucks.

Things that is impossible when you have anxiety::

1. Being scared to walk into a room full of people

2. Too scared to leave you room or house

3. Can't attend school/college

4. Can't go out with friends or family

5. Too worried to eat in public

6. Find it hard to make friends

7. Can't be in small places with a crowd

8. Crowds smother you

These are just some of the things that are hard to achieve when you have got anxiety.

These are the things that I find hard::

1. Not being able to make friends

2. Can't argue back

3. Can't start a conversation

4. Scared in front family and friends

I failed my GCSE English because I backed out on the speaking and listening topic, I couldn't deal with having to speak in front of 10 students, I couldn't deal with them looking at me, I couldn't deal with them talking about me or laughing at me...

My anxiety started way back when I was primary school, however it could've just been shyness but now its anxiety. 

If I think back I now know that my bullied life has affected my life now, with anxiety.

A lot of people suffer with it but they try to hide it behind a smile, they don't want to seek attention by telling people, there too scared to do anything about it.

It more common in teenagers because people expect us to be someone we're not:

1. We have to look perfect all the time

2. We have to have a boyfriend

3. We have to have good grades

4. Have friends

5. Be someone who we're not

We don't have to be someone else, we have to be are selves, express yourself, learn new things about yourself. New talents, weird talents.

Being yourself can be hard but being someone else is even harder.

 So I want YOU to go and write down every talent that your masked self can do and write down every talent that YOU, yourself can do.

Try them out.

Say hello to someone in the street, smile at them or help someone walk across the road, or with their shopping. Do something that you want to do, not what your mum or dad wants you to do. Not what your friends expect you to do. Be different, and it might help with your anxiety. You may feel at ease or calm.

Comment below if you have and if you feel any better.

[thinkanxiety-blog]

Believe in your self

I was bullied in primary school by my so called "friends" and I was so stupid and lonely that I just went back to them and I was friends with them again.

As they say" keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer."

I was hit with hula hoops, I was pushed over, slapped, punched and just before I could break down my one and only best friend cut a huge chunk of my hair off. So then I had to have a bob, which didn't look good on a small chubby kid.

I moved primary and finished my last year in another primary school in another town. Even there I got picked on, not so much bullied but I got called names and I didn't make any friends really.

Then It was high school, meeting new people just scared the living daylights out of me. I moved up from primary school with a few friends, who then became my enemies.

Once we all hit year 8 everyone had different friends.

I then got into a group, A BAD group...

They smoked, drunk, swore, and stole. I wasn't one of them, but I wanted to be in a group, I wanted to feel safe in a group. For once in my life I was happy, and really confident I didn't have a care in the world.

I didn't do anything that they did, apart from that I skipped the first half of high school in year 10 but persuaded them all to go back for the afternoon. After that I was more popular in school than anyone else, but not for the good reasons.

I was threatened, punched, slapped, in a fight, chased, someone was always looking for me to kill me as they said.

At one point I thought that my life was over, and that I wouldn't be able to escape.

Eventually it calmed down after a few months, and I joined a new group, but guess what????

They were tricking me, they were tearing me down bit by bit so the last group could come in and SNAP!!!

I left high school on February 12th 2013 in the middle of year 10. I couldn't cope with life anymore, and yes I did try to commit suicide and yes I did cut my wrists. (This isn't for attention) I was off school for 6 months getting help from doctors and counselling sessions to get my confidence back, because after being at home for 3 months without any contact from outside I was house bound.

Eventually after 6 months I felt ready to finish year 11 off in September 2013, in another school across my town. However because I was off for so long I couldn't just go straight into year ten I had to go back to year 10 and restart that year.

It wasn't the best because it meant that i had to add another year but I made it.

I that school I got picked on because in year 11 me and my friend decide to make a fake facebook account to talk to her boyfriend from because so thought he was cheating. Long story.

But the next day, guess who got the blame?? Everyone was staring at me and calling me that name of the fake account that we made.

I go my GCSEs at the end and I left...

I'm now doing my first year of college, I have found a friend, I enjoy what I do.

I'm back to normalcy.

You've just got to keep thinking you yourself that it may be bad now but eventually you will get out of there, if it takes moving schools a lot then do it, if it means you have no friends or even 1 friend but you're happy then stick to it.

Everyone has there bad times of life but its not the end, something good will come out of it, and nothing good will come out for those bullies.

You can do it.

I believe in you all.

-Louise x

[thinkanxiety-blog]

Interview time 😁

Agh!!! My interview is in 2 hours and I'm freakin out.... Like last night and this morning i was fine until my mum mentioned my interview and I was like agh... Screaming inside.... Oh god j hope this works out. Why does my phone always change an I to a J???? Anyways I need to get ready. The good thing is that I keep reminding myself about is that I don't know anyone there and I won't bump into anyone that I know because it's no where near where I live... If that makes sense Wish me luck.... 😬

[thinkanxiety-blog]

Job interview tomorrow/ panic attack due

Ahhh!

I’ve been shortlisted for an interview tomorrow….

An interview….

Ahh!

Yes I’m excited because I need a job, but its my first interview. EVER!

Will I be able to do this without panicking? Will I be able to do it without getting stressed out? Will my anxiety take complete control over me?

I’m so scared….

Its for Sports Direct. Like I don’t do sports, because I’m so unfit and fat…Haha! But you know its a job where I will get paid, so yeah.

So nervous…

Help

[thinkanxiety-blog]

Anxiety caused me to lie again... Getting onto a train

Once again my anxiety caused my to lie to my mum, however this time it back fired.

I realised that I was going to be late to math class today, and I didn't want to walk into a full room full of students.

The thing is my math class is an adult class, so it kinda makes things a lot more awkward for me.

I told my mum that my math teacher couldn't be in class and it was cancelled, but she didn't believe me and wanted to see the email that she sent to me...

So yeah it didn't work out...

 Today also I have to get onto a train :/

My worst nightmare.

Having to stand around lots of other people makes me panic and what makes it worse is the fact that I cant get off the train until my stop.

As for a bus I can easily jump off it at any point and wait 10 minutes or so for the next. But with a train you cant.

There's so many people watching you, its hot, and I always think to myself: What if the ticket man comes? Will I have enough money? Will he be able to hear me? Are people going to watch me? And then it gets too hot and I just want to crawl up into a little ball and roll out of the situation...

[thinkanxiety-blog]

Anxiety stopped me from having fun

Today my anxiety has stopped me from having fun and enjoying myself.

My brother had Chill FactorE booked in Manchester for his birthday with his friends and he was very disappointed when he found out that I wasn't going.

The idea of being stuck in a room full of snow with people watching me going down the sledges and being pushed down by a member of staff made me feel physically sick.

What if I made a fool out of myself?

What If I saw someone from my old high school?

What if I fell?

What if people watched me?

What if people laughed at me if I fell?

Or if I did something wrong?

I could've gone to watch from above but then...

What if I got lost?

What if people were watching me on the balcony or down below?

What if my step-dad started shouting me from below and people started to look at me?

To many questions, so that's why I left it. This is why I had having anxiety because it stops me from having fun in the snow...

[thinkanxiety-blog]

Anxiety made me lie

Anxiety made me lie to my only friend and to my mum today.

Every Friday I have 3 hours of English and me and my friend always sit with each other, however today my mum was dropping me off at college but I was 10 minutes late.

Just before I arrived at college my friend (lets call her Cat girl) text me saying that my seat had been taken by someone else.

My hands started sweating, I started getting hot and flushed, my anxiety was taking over me.

I couldn't go in.

I couldn't embarrass myself.

I was going in late.

With no where to sit.

People would look at me.

I would've heard them laughing and talking.

I couldn't do it.

So I told my mum that my teacher was off ill and they had another teacher in but we were just playing games....

I told cat girl I was stuck in traffic and would've been too late by the time I would've gotten there....

I felt bad, but I couldn't do it. I felt sick and scared.

Just thinking about walking into a room full of 30 students and with no seats left for me...

 Does anyone else get like this?

Or is it just me?

Thanks

[thinkanxiety-blog]

Is the past the past?

Getting on the bus after college was like a dream come true, it was empty. Like zero. Empty. I felt like I was walking on water.

 As normally there is already at least 20 college students on from the other college near by. To get on to find all empty seats was amazing. I felt a bit more confident as I was listening to my all time favourite Spotify album The Pop List. 

An empty bus journey. Until I got off the bus and I saw a group of people from my old high who noticed me as I walked past them, I huge wave of no self esteem hit me hard which gave me a head ache.

I don't know whether this is just me but when I was walking away I felt like I was walking weirdly and my legs wouldn't work properly.

I do get this sometimes when I feel that someone is watching me. Anyone else????

I then went into my local IKEA, which was empty, I was singing and being completely different. Like I was on the bus. I went to the cafe and went to get my own drink and napkins, when usually I ask someone else to do it. However I still did have a problem eating.

I don't know what it is but I struggle to eat in public whether it's in a canteen in college, meal out or around family. I feel that people are going to judge me for eating so I tend to eat slow in the corner and I don't show my food to anyone.

Also tonight I opened up to my brother (who is 9) about my past with my dad and why I don't see/speak to him anymore. I told why he was so violent and why my mum left him, how I ended up seeing him again, and why I stopped. 

I told him that my "sister" on his side contacted me a few months ago. Also that my "auntie" on his side contacted me a few years ago.

Yes I've got to admit I do miss having a proper dad, and being a daddies little girl, but sometimes I wish he didn't exist...

I have mixed feeling about him. I am careful when I visit family who live close by to him in case I see him.

But do I want to bump into him? Or don't I? 

Right now I just want to delete this part of my post and forget that he even exists, but when my college mate talks about getting expensive things from her dad, I kinda just wish I could contact him just to have 11 years birthday and Christmas money off him 😂

Just going to leave it for now though.

Thanks for reading and I will try to add a new blog post tomorrow.

  Questions:

1. Do you feel like your walking weird when you know someone is watching you?

2. To you have separated parents and miss the other one?

3. How do you cope?

4. Am I being nasty?

5. ........?

[thinkanxiety-blog]

Anxiety struck again!

The day is almost over and I have achieved to visit my cousin without making a complete and utter fool out of myself...Yay!

However my driving lesson has knocked down my confidence in my driving. Usually I am pretty good and confident when driving but today's lesson has been awful.

I stalled not once, not twice but 5 times within an hour...seriously!!!

I haven't driven in a week and before that I was just practicing my reversing so I wasn't doing much driving. Now I don't now whether its because I was doing a MOCK driving test or whether my nerves got to me as my test is in a few weeks, either way I was crap.

Also I think that didn't help was the fact that my anxiety was taking over me today, I got anxious at round abouts, traffic lights and general stopping, I panicked in case I could start the car again.

Reasons why I was anxious:

1. Holding up people

2. Stalling the car (which I did 5 times)

3. The car making weird noises

4. My instructor shouting at me (which he did)

 I also experienced a panic attack today, which is very unusual for me. I get anxious when I start school/college, meeting new people but I haven't come close to a panic attack until today.

I was in a lay-by after my instructor finished shouting at me and I was about to leave when he told me to stop. I got this pain in my chest and the inside of the car was spinning, I felt sick and trapped.

I was stuck in a small car wanting to escape but I couldn't go any where. I couldn't get out, I couldn't move or speak.

I'm not 100% sure that it was a panic attack either way it was horrible.

Please let me know below:

What was it that I experienced?

Have you had this?

[thinkanxiety-blog]

Anxiety Sucks!

Today is a important day for me, as I'm going to visit one of my cousins. However I don't drive and no body is taking me. So the only way to get there is by BUS!!!

Some of you may already now that I suffer from anxiety so getting on a bus is very hard for me. Yes I do use the bus a lot during the week however it's either empty or I'm getting on with 10 other people, this makes it easier.

Today in doing it on my own for the first time in 2 years. After since my mum passed her drivers test I've being getting lefts off her. Apart from today.

While I am writing this a woman has arrived at the bus stop. Phew!

  Reasons why I hate getting a bus:

  1. I hate the wait

2. People in cars look at me waiting

3. People on the bus watch me as the bus approaches

4. The bus stops and I feel like I'm holding everyone up on the bus and in cars behind

5. What if my travel pass doesn't work?

  6. What if I trip on the step?

7. What if I fall?

8. People watching me walking to the seat

  9. What if the bus moves before I sit down and I make a fool out of myself?

(Someone else has turned up)

All these thoughts are on my mind just to get into a bus!!!! If I wasn't trying to prove a point that I actually can do this, I wouldn't off stepped out of my door.

Anxiety sucks!

After this bus I will have to get another bus, however it's at the local bus station so no one else will be on it. BONUS!

  I will have to do the whole process again when I have finished up at my cousins. But this time at a bus stop I've never been before...

I hope you liked this blog post, if you can relate please tell me so I'm not the only one...

  Bus has arrived...Nothing happened. But I've still got a long way to go.

  See this is why anxiety sucks, because you amend up building everything up to make its worse, and it's stops me from doing a lot that I want to do.

 Even the smallest of things I work up into a huge situation...

Can anyone relate?

What's your cause of anxiety?

  How do you cope?

[thinkanxiety-blog]

Feeling Stuck

Do you remember playing stuck in the mud at school and the aim of the game was for someone to run under your arm to release you? But nobody did, so you were just stood there with your arms flapping around? This is how I feel pretty much all the time. Stuck! I feel stuck in situations that I can't seem to get out of. For pretty much my whole life I have been bullied in some way shape or form, which has had a serious effect on my confidence. I feel like I'm trapped in a bubble, in a small little bubble that is really tight. I can see and hear people around me but they can't. This happens a lot to me whether I'm at college, on the bus, shopping, or at a family meal. I feel excluded from everything. I feel like I'm not there and I'm just a ghost. My life has improved since I left high school, I'm not scared to walk around the corner, or to walk into class when I'm late. College is a new beginning. It's a new chapter of my book. But how will this chapter end? I miss out on so many great adventures or challenges because I am too scared of what might happen, what others will think, and what if I do it wrong? Words, questions and answers float around my head until I say no. I feel rude to take food or drinks of family members when its been offered to me. I feel awkward to say thank you. I feel anxious around my family. I feel insecure around my only friend in college. Almost all the time I feel like my head is about to explode with all my thoughts and questions. My cousin told me: You might be crapping yourself at first, but once you're doing it you will enjoy it! This is totally right and I'm going to try and be more out there. If you feel like this, post it in the comments and lets try to help each other. I will write more posts like this if it helps you! Thanks for reading x

[thinkanxiety-blog]

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