So this is basically where I’m gonna come to clear my mind - kinda like a journal that’s public enough where I feel like people can see, but not public enough to the point that people in my personal life know.
A little bit about me: I’m 18, a girl, Canadian, ISTP personality (basically what this whole post is about), in university, and am slightly feeling down right now :(
In regards to my personality type, I took the Myers-Briggs personality type and my result was ISTP. Introversion, Sensing, Thinking, and Perception. I think this represents me very well as I was reading more about it and I truly found that I could relate to so much of the stuff they were saying. The traits that stood out to me included insensitivity and how difficult I find it to emotionally connect with people - especially in a romantic setting. That’s mostly what I want to talk about today...Â
So I’ve kinda been talking to this guy since June but wasn’t really into him (I think, I don’t really know) and recently by best friend started talking to him more. Initially, she just wanted to talk to him about me, but since she’s much more extroverted than I am, she finds it very easy to open up to people and therefore, people feel more comfortable opening up to her too. The talk between me and this guy definitely slowed down, which was fine because I wasn’t that into him, but also I think I like the chase?? I’ve never caught feelings for anyone in my life before so this is all new to me. Anyway, this morning, he admitted that he may be catching feelings for her and that kind of stung. I don’t think it stung because I had feelings for him or anything like that, but I think it stung because it felt like he was choosing her over me (which is kind of stupid). I’m not mad at either of them or anything because no one did anything wrong so :/ Just a little touched.Â
The thing is, I want to be able to open up to people and be more comfortable around people like my friend is, but that’s just not me. Also I’m kinda just saying whatever’s on my mind so there’s probably no cohesion to this at all. But yeah, most of my friends are all long term or childhood friends because I find it so difficult to let people into my life on a more personal level. I have many acquaintances, but not many friends to hang out with and such. Well, I guess I would if I wanted to but I find it so difficult to gain the want to hang out with people other than the 3-4 that I’m comfortable with. I can also be blunt/insensitive/a little mean sometimes which I’m trying to fix about myself, but sometimes that’s my humour, but it doesn’t translate when the words come out of my mouth because of the tone I say it in :/ It’s something I’m really trying to fix because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but always end up doing...Â
When it comes to romantic relationships, I find it difficult to allow myself to like guys. I don’t know if “allow” is the right word, but I definitely have a wall up. Tbh, I probably have a gate, wall, moat, electric wired fence and anything else you can think of. I don’t know why I have such a guard up?! My best friend has NO guard up when it comes to guys and can start to like someone within hanging out with them a couple times. She the type where the minute she catches feelings, any rational thought flies out the window. Whereas with me, I’m overly logical and I think I purposely find any flaw I can find as a reason to not like them.Â
That’s pretty much it for now... I’ll spill more about my life slowly!
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