this black sheep's got her own stories... @thisblacksheepwrites - Tumblr Blog

“What do you do for fun when you’re on break?”

so, it’s been a while since i’ve written...

and of course, it’s when i’m feeling that cloud hanging over again that i come back to this, to my place of refuge from the past - as well as slightly inebriated by wine... what’s new, right?

i’ve never been more sure of myself in 2016 thus far, but i also have no idea who i am at the same time - it’s this weird contradiction brewing inside of me. bc these episodes are recurring more often... almost monthly and i hate it so much, but i’m also the happiest i’ve been in ages.

i have disclosed the darkest parts of my life, the deepest of my roots, to the furthest of my knowledge, to the one person i feel i could show... completely, all of me... and yet, at the back of my head, there’s the tiniest voice, whispering to be cautious of my heart, of my soul... bc who knows if one day, he’ll up and run away from my problems, as i and plentiful others have in the past. as i have done so many times, bc i want to believe that i am perfectly capable of being normal. but i guess - normalcy’s never been my thing.

i just want to believe 100% that he is good. and that i am worth his love.

i’m nearly there and the moments of doubt that have occurred with others rarely occur, but when they do... i start to worry that they don’t occur as often as they used to, which perhaps may be a good thing. but nevertheless, i want to be 100% comfortable in telling what’s going on in my headspace, when i’m going through these moments. i want to not be afraid of my words, of my thoughts, because they are a part of me... not all of me. a person who can see past that is well worth giving time/love/effort to. and i feel like he’s that for me, but who can really know for sure?

what i do know for sure right now is that: - i’m scared - i’m prideful, yet feel worthless - i love him more than anyone (besides my parents and maybe 1-2 close friends) i’ve ever known and i cannot imagine my life without him. that’s scary as fuck to me, but i can’t lie and say that i hate it... bc i don’t. i love that i can see that. i jush wish that my entire self could be on board as well, specifically my dark and gloomy side.

third street ✖️ wilshire boulevard • 17:25 sunset 🌴✨🌊 #losangeles never ceases to amaze with its multicolored skies 🌅 #vscocam #latergram (at Santa Monica, California)

#losangeles #vscocam #latergram

i just feel so lonely these days

and i haven’t the energy to write out eloquently

sometimes I really hate people and sometimes I really just want to disappear

organically growing on individual paths, but always rooted from the same origin... we are all human and all brilliant makes of our species, some, honestly, much brighter than others, but that may just be my own bias. nevertheless, my love for humanity knows no bounds and all its diverse eccentricities - unless you're a complete asshole // i may or may not be sober whilst posting this, hence the blunt tones 😅🕳💁🏻 #vscocam #latenightmusings #losangeles (at Bread Lounge)

#vscocam #latenightmusings #losangeles

“i’ll never be your lover, i only bring the heat...”

#daughter #candles

please do away with complacency, as difficult as it may be to refrain from reveling in the joy of accomplishing great feats to the point of stagnation, of which can easily consume you... until you're left dangling onto this gold star that is steadily burning out. rather, let yourself live in the glory of your doing, just as long as you remember to look forward to your next endeavor, your next passion, your next adventure... keep the wheels in your mind in constant motion and the iridescence of your soul glimmering brilliantly. never let yourself or your ideas whittle away to mere dust because what are we, if not ambitious? 💫💭💡#vscocam #silverlake #losangeles #musings #neonsign #writing (at Silver Lake, Los Angeles)

#losangeles #musings #writing #silverlake #vscocam #neonsign

delta-breezes

cannibalsuxx-deactivated2018080

Years & Years - Desire

Dear mom, I'm sorry I'm not skinny as you'd like me to be. I'm sorry I can't starve myself like I used to in high school to be your ideal daughter. I'm sorry I can't be your genetic copy, because frankly, I've got dad's genes. I'm sorry I can't fit into the clothes you bring home from work. I'm sorry my friends around me are all tiny af, making me look like a whale in comparison. I'm sorry I'm trying to come to terms with who I am, rather than what I look like, first. I'm sorry you have to remind me daily, of how grotesquely large and ugly I am. I'm sorry I shame you in front of your coworkers, having them comment on how I would look prettier if I just lost 10 pounds... must be so difficult to deal with. I'm sorry I stopped my steady one-month streak of throwing up my food, at least a meal a day. I'm sorry I keep reminding you of those times in my life, because I'm sure you don't take it seriously whatsoever. Just another excuse for me to use as a crutch, right? I'm sorry for so many more things... But I'm mostly sorry that you can't just accept me for me and trust that I know what I'm doing with my life. It's a fucking lifestyle change and a gradual one at that, not a fucking one-month cleansing/dieting bullshit... in which I lose 5-7 pounds and gain it all back the moment I'm off the regimen. Perhaps, I thought you were above that. Perhaps, you'll never be happy with me as your daughter, until I'm your ideal portrayal of beauty. Perhaps... I don't even know anymore. - Your heartbroken daughter, Christine