A Goat

[deceive-remade-deactivated20171]

me not understanding a movie: wow… the cinnamon tography

[becca-archive]

HAVE Y’ALL SEEN THIS SHIT ON TWITTER I’M LITERALLY DECEASED (her twitter)

Bonus:

[danceswithphantoms]

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining,” says the man.

“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman. 

“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”

“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

[breaktotheotherside]

What pisses me off is the complexity of the context required to throw this pun so it made any sense.

[andhumanslovedstories]

Do you ever eat popcorn out of the palm of your own hand with such ardent desperation that you feel like both a wild horse and the gentle schoolgirl feeding it treats to gain its affection 

[thebestoftumbling]

[queeranne]

IM LAUGHING SO HARD

[thisgoat]

grandma: DO YOU WANT AN APPLE

me: no thanks grandma

grandma: HERES YOUR APPLE

[thisgoat]

me before i started watching food network: i made you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich

me now: what i've made for you today is a rustic-style raspberry reduction, garnished with a smooth roasted peanut spread, spread across a thick slice of white bread with another slice of bread holding the flavors in place. really, what i'm doing this for is my dad...he was always a chef, he's the reason i started cooking, and i know (sniff) i know if he was alive he'd want to see me win Chopped so i could continue working for the local urban garden café for sad children

[inactive987654321-deactivated20]

*pushes tear back into eye* not now

[najaaozixxjsiaaiaiia]

“white girl trying to remember the day she was born”

[nomehablen2]

I’m hyperventilating

[fidget-sinner]

En Anglais, on ne dit pas “quatre vingt dix neuf”, on dit “ninety nine” qu'on pourrait traduire comme “Hurr durr, regardez mois, j'ai un système de numérotation fonctionnel” et je crois que c'est magnifique.

[beautifull--nightmare]

[phoenicianprince]

literally me @ my prof right now

[atane-deactivated20200604]

I love her.

[mysharona1987]

Donald Trump is every student ever who didn’t read the book and is trying to wing it when the teacher asks what they think it was about.

[squidkitten]

when you’re wrapping presents and the scissors glide

fuck yes

[fortheloveofotps]

once this happened to me but my friend’s hand was in the way but I didn’t want to stop the glide and she wasn’t moving it so I kept going and sliced her finger and she had to get stiches

[torchix]

go hard or go home

[dajo42]

how fucked up would it be if an astronaut was coming back to earth and everybody hid for a bit

[mrs-n-uzumaki]

When you discover that these two:

Were married in Love Actually

[skipperthekangaroo]

is that more or less shocking than the fact that these two

were married in real life?

[mrs-n-uzumaki]

You just made my post 200% better.

[jennytrout]

Wait for it, because in real life:

Cheated on:

With:

[finallysomegoodfuckingcontent]

Shooting That last movie must have been really awkward

[bleach]

[svvply]

I literally want this framed