This Is The Dress I Was Wearing The Day He Ruined My Life
That's a pretty dramatic title. I get that people shouldn't wallow in self-pity, dwell on the past or blame others for their mistakes and misfortunes. I also believe that we shouldn't lie to ourselves or run from the truth. The truth, my truth, is that this dress signifies a time and place where a part of me died.
I've kept this dress hidden away in a separate closet for a few years. I've been meaning to sell it, get rid of it, dispose of it in some way. It's a great dress, in lovely condition, only worn once & I did pay a few bucks for it. So I don't want to just throw it away or donate it. I finally pulled the dress out today & was preparing to sell it when I felt it was time that I wrote about it and shared my story.
It was late October in 2011. My boyfriends sister was getting married. Leading up the weekend of her nuptials, I was in a deep state of depression. I was contemplating suicide and was crying every day. My boyfriend of 4 years was becoming more distant. He was working late, gone more and more. I was just happy that he wasn't around to see me acting and looking so awful. I felt relief when he called me and said he was working late, again, and wouldn't be home until late. "Good" I thought. I'm glad he has his work to keep him busy.
We lived together & had a fairly great relationship the first few years. We were pretty heavy in love and devoted to one another. He tried to help me and be there for me, I guess. I assumed that my struggles weighed too heavy on him and that's why he pulled away. I was happy that I no longer had to explain that I felt too depressed to get out of bed today. We were copacetic, floating along in the mundane day-in day-out routine that is life. Work, bills, chores, friends, engagements, and all the like.
The night before his sister's wedding he went to the bachelor party with the groom and his party, including his dad & uncle. There was no talk of strip clubs or anything like that. It was supposed to be guys, beers & that's about it. I obviously trusted my boyfriend completely. I didn't ask or question anything. He went to the bachelor party, I went home to lay on the couch and think about how much I wanted to die. Just another typical day.
My boyfriend did not come home until very late that night, smelling of alcohol. Nothing was odd or out of the ordinary. We got up the next day and got dressed for his sister's wedding. I put on this dress, did my hair and makeup. I think I looked better than ever that day. I would even dare to say I looked gorgeous that day. I was so proud of how I had pulled it together for my boyfriend & for his family. Maybe things would get better, maybe I could be happy one day.
The wedding was typical & uneventful, church, reception, dancing, food, drinks. While at the reception we were standing around in a circle talking: Me, my boyfriend, his dad, his uncle, his sister, his mom, his cousins. Basically everyone. I can't remember exactly how the conversation happened or what was said but it was revealed that my boyfriend had left the bachelor party very early. I turned to him and said: "But you didn't come home until 2am?" His face turned red and looked panicked. His family could instantly tell that he had lied to me and used them to cover his tracks. They tried to cut the tension by making a joke that he must had been out with his friends and was caught in a stupid lie. I knew better. I knew that he never lied to me about that kind of stuff. Why would he lie about being with his friends?
The reception had to go on. My mind started to race and I began to panic. If he wasn't at the bachelor party with his family, where was he? Who was he with? And why did he feel the need to lie to me about it? He was seated at the family table up on a podium and I was sitting at a table with his cousins. I texted him and was very pointed: "Where were you last night and why did you lie to me about it?". He texted back "We'll talk about it later." I was getting more furious. I couldn't eat, I couldn't make small talk. Everyone could tell my attitude and demeanor had changed.
Finally, I asked my boyfriend to step outside of the packed and happy wedding reception and tell me exactly what was going on. We got outside. Walked away from the front of the building. It was such a nice, fancy hotel. I looked him right in the eye and asked again: "Where were you last night and why did you lie to me about it?" He face looked pale and pained. He looked ashamed and couldn't look me in the eye.
The truth finally came out. He was with "Rebecca". He had been spending a lot of time with Rebecca over the last month. She was just a friend. He just needed someone to talk to. That was all. Lies upon lies. As the truth came out and I soon realized my naive trusting attitude had been twisted and used against me....I completely lost my composure. I screamed and yelled at him. He grabbed my arm and pulled me to the parking lot and we got in his car. We fought the entire ride him. We got inside our apartment and continued to scream and fight and cry.
The truth was, he was having an affair. Instead of being a man about it and breaking up with me or anything, he started seeing an old flame behind my back. It was awful. I felt my entire world crumble and fall around me. I cannot begin to describe the love I felt for this man. He was everything to me & our relationship had been great until the last few weeks. I wonder how much of my depression was because I subtly knew what was going on but I wasn't fully aware. I could never believe it. Even still, even that day when he finally revealed the truth, I couldn't believe it. He was Superman. He was a great man. He was an honest, true, faithful man. No more. My entire world was shattered, the fairy tale was over. The icing on the cake was all the lies that came out: one time when he borrowed money from me to get to a work event, it was really to go see her. I had been deceived on so many levels.
This event was just the beginning of weeks and months of agony. We stayed together for another year & we did get back to a good place in our relationship but I came to terms with the fact I would never forgive him, I would never forget and I would never love him the same way again. I broke up with him. He was shocked. He thought we had worked through everything. A broken mirror can be glued back together, but you can still see the cracks in that motherfucker.
So now, I've told you all. Anyone who is listening and reading this. I was cheated on, my heart was ripped out and stomped on. I found out a few months ago he moved on and got a new girlfriend. I'm still sitting here, alone and sad. Still mourning and in pain. It doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem right. I just want my life back. I just want to believe in love and have hope again. I'm not sure it will ever come back to me. I just hope I can sell this dress and make a few bucks off my misery.
