Done trying to please everyone.

.

[thissilentecho-blog1]

Lets wake up.

Lets wake up and scream at each other about how I never achieve anything round the house. Lets wake up and bitch about how your mother bitches about things she thinks I should have accomplished while she was at work because she is “a mother”. Lets wake up and clean the entire house while utterly pissed off because it will piss us both off even more. Lets wake up and not talk to each other until you go to work. Lets wake up and talk about why I don’t think It’s gonna work. Lets wake the fuck up, man. I’m so done with all of this. 

[enlightenedreader]

They were so in love So hopelessly in love But then everything Came crumbling down And suddenly They weren’t in love anymore Instead They were fighting On an already sinking ship

- enlightenedreader ~ 03/09/17 ~

[thissilentecho-blog1]

How I feel about “us” lately...

[thissilentecho-blog1]

I tried so hard to “find myself” that I’ve actually become pretty lost.

Being a top these snow-packed, trail and mogul ridden mountains are my muse. Mix in a little board, great company, and a lift and I’m in heaven. I was born to explore, wander, and experience. My soul longs to be out here, there, anywhere outside. 

I tried too hard to “find myself” that I’ve actually become pretty lost. 

The past few months I have been trying to find something I can do while being at home for so long with not much to do. Funds diminishing and a gas tank a fourth full strictly meant for “emergencies” and job interviews. I’ve been able to stand doing something for more than an hour without becoming utterly bored or exhausted of the task. From things I know I have always loved doing such as reading and creating; being it jewelry or painting I’ve always picked those things up pretty quickly. They slowly faded when it came to excitement and motivation to continue with them. 

The mountains, rivers, desert, hills, woods, switchbacks, and the narrows are what call. I’ve felt trapped, my babies feel it, too. We need our feet to connect to the ground, running. 

[thissilentecho-blog1]

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve got too much going on in my life, when it has been the utter opposite; physically. For the past few months I have been sitting on my ass wondering how to keep myself busy, for the entirety of it I haven’t really done all that much. I’ve drawn, painted, read, and played a few games. Nothing ever seems to be enough for me. I can’t stay entertained by anything for more than an hour at a time. It can’t just be me, right? 

I know it is pure laziness. I have ALL of this shit I could be doing, literally. I could workout, ride a bike, go on a walk, take the dogs on a walk, draw some more, paint some more, make some random artsy shit, read anything that is not my cellphone, teach the dogs new tricks, play with them outside, call old friends or relatives I haven’t seen or herd from in a while, or clean the house. I could also be learning new things, research and relearn old things, find new and awesome topics, find a hobby, learn a language, or a new word. The list could forever go on, I swear. 

The point is that I have absolutely no ambition or motivation to start anything. I want to so badly to be able to start somewhere with something, but I find it exhausting to even figure out where to begin. The fact I can’t even start it is beyond ridiculous. The SO doesn’t really help much, I don’t think it is really an easy thing to grasp. His leo pride just thinks I’m being lazy and making excuses to not do anything.  

EXAMPLE: About 6 months ago I was going to the gym on the regular. Out of absolutely no where I just didn’t have the drive or want to go anymore. Don’t take me wrong, I loved going and saw so much progress that actually kept me in there. I just couldn’t get into the door no matter how much I wanted to be in there, my body just wouldn’t move from my car. Twice I sat in the parking lot crying to myself for 20mins for being so fucking petty before heading home. One thing I have come to know is true, is that everything in life can be a mind over matter; but that can be so fucking hard to overcome. 

I always try and make a goal for myself if I really want to start something or get back into something. The one I’ve going on now is: “I’ll start working out and getting out more once the boys have finished their healing.” They just got neutered about a week ago, and their revamp time is about 10 days. Tomorrow we are going to Valley of Fire for a few day hikes and camping. Its small, cheap, my absolute favorite things to do in the world, and we can take the pups...even better. 

So far so good I think. Setting some goals here and now: I would like to take the babies individually on small adventures once a week, even if it is to the same small places over and over. In their eyes just getting in the car is amazing, and they always know something fun is planned from that point forward. I’d like to go on family adventures once a week, with all of us, dad included. I’d like to start their nightly walks again, to try and work on all of their leash manners. 

To motivation. (:

[thissilentecho-blog1]

It would be nice to be able to sit in peace for a whole day. 

Like when we took that 45min drive out to Mt. Charleston to Hilltop campground. I left the house with a car full of puppies and camping gear at 9am to meet a few coworkers at the FCFS sites that happened to be available. After unloading the car and setting up the whole campsite solo, I reclined in a chair and took a small nap with the pups. Turned out that the guys I was supposed to meet up with in the morning bailed completely, and no one else showed up until about 5pm. 

The alone time was absolutely amazing. My plan was to take a hike with the boys, but sometimes a nap is unavoidable. The air smelled of growth, and my book just screamed to be opened. After a few chapters I decided to take a short walk with the boys across the road from out campsite. As soon as we clear the wall of over-grown trees the hill took an almost immediate decline. Mulch littered the ground in hope of regrowth of previously fire-ravaged acreage. The boys ran, jumped, rolled, and slid down the hill; into the many piles of plant debris and woodchips. 

Just my wild boys, a thunderstorm threatening the campsite about a mile up the hill that had turned the sky into a gorgeous shade of grey-blue. The wind had slowly picked up and tossed every smell of the forest through the trees. Foliage had taken flight and been chased down by my two rampaging fur-babies. 

That day seemed to drag after we returned to camp. I’ve never been a fan of having to rely on others, even my relationship seems to test that ability pretty well and often. 

[thissilentecho-blog1]

To a less stagnant life.

For the past few months I have felt so lost in my dirt trail of life. I guess I’m one of those people who constantly search for a feeling of belonging, accomplishment, or purpose. With my job being practically non-existent right now, I should be soul-searching and making the most out of this absolutely dragging time that I’ve got all to myself. Don’t take me wrong, this me time is absolutely amazing; I live for my alone time and solitude. 

Yet I cant shake this feeling of complete and utter loss of self. I feel like my life has become stagnant. To a point that is absolutely true. I haven’t tried to get out, or hang out, or think out. I’ve just locked myself to the room with my pets to keep me company as I consume ungodly amounts of cannabis and coffee while I read, paint, or watch random videos/movies/shows. My mind has been wondering to so many places, and I haven't done a damned thing to try and get myself out of this rut. 

I know that I’ll be the only one to get myself out. Time will be the one to tell, it always is. Funny how things work out that way. I’ve got to muster up all of my bravery and confidence to just start with the first step. There are so many things I know I could be doing, or accomplishing. I just don’t have the drive to do anything. 

I want to get back into the gym; and find some like-minded friends. I’d like to be a little more fugal and have less in my life materially. I’d like to be more adventurous, and explore more than I tend to allow myself, sacrifice and pain always make for the best adventures.

So today, I let aside all of my fears, laziness, anxiety, and self-preservation to take at least one baby step in the right direction. 

Lets see where it can take me. 

[thissilentecho-blog1]

Random morning brain activity:

A lack of sleep since I've been back home might be an understatement; staying up till 4am and sleeping in till about 2pm might cause a slight disturbance in myself I'm sure. With all this free time I'm going insane. Binging on coffee and tea and staring deep into the facade of my phone for distraction. I keep telling myself that I need friends, new friends, like-minded friends. The selfish in me has always wanted a friend who will be my friend only, to have someone in the exact predicament as I. Yet I know that won't ever happen, for I'm one of a kind! How can one find another, when where are none like herself. I know in my heart I need a permanent change of surrounding. This heat stricken desert isn't the place for me. I've grown a love for the surroundings; there is nothing that can compare to the vastness of these lands, and the breathtaking geography of everything that has taken mother earth millions of years to create. Maybe I just need a trip to an art supply store, or inspiration to keep the art flowing. I'm not very imaginative anymore, I can only forge small ideas from the masterpieces of others. Money is an issue, always has been. The "green evil rectangle" has too much of a grasp on my everyday life. Yet I have no desire to spend it, or make more. My only wish is to be tattooed and travel more often than most people would think allowed. So I guess at the end of the day, I've just filled up my slots with my pets and relationship. I love them all beyond words, but I seem to be wanting more lately...

[thissilentecho-blog1]

Vegas

I hate it here.

[thissilentecho-blog1]

When my dog has conversations with the neighbor dog. 👌

[thissilentecho-blog1]

The First Confessor

After finding out that I started on the wrong book, I finished the prequal “The First Confessor” to the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. To say that this book is amazing would be a dramatic understatement. Someone please start this with me! I’m pretty sure my man is getting annoyed already by my constant babble about everything going down in just the first book. It has already opened up so much I had not known about in “The Confessor” when I had started it. 

[thissilentecho-blog1]

Please don’t ask me if gratuity is included if you’re only going to tip 2% anyway. 

[thissilentecho-blog1]

While writing “The 4th.” I’m staring at my 13 year old diary collecting dust on my shelf. I know the memory is scribbled in there among other childhood memories that could stay hidden. 

It’s one of those moments that get you to remember that life could just be billions upon billions of situations waiting for you behind a door. They’ll forever be constantly changing until you open that door. If you opened that door 5 seconds prior, well....life could have been completely different. 

I guess life doesn’t work that way, does it?

[thissilentecho-blog1]

The 4th.

They got back the day before the 4th; tension and sadness hung thick in the air. They all dined on tacos and expired Kool-aid that no one braved to mention. 

This was the first year Pa didn’t let off any fireworks. The family tradition was dying. The circle had fallen apart, it was then she really knew....

[thissilentecho-blog1]

Yep, vacation.

We broke into the house after he drove away. 

“Take a shower and grab all of your things. Were leaving.” Mom scolded, she was furious. 

The twins scattered around their room like bees for their queen. One by one getting their chore done as fast as their little bodies allowed. Millions of questions flew among them as they traded worried glances. 

Once finished, they all shoved their things into the SUV and she drove off. 

They ended up in Kentucky, camping along the way in the small tent mom had bought along the way. It was fun, she could get used to these spontaneous vacations. 

But......She missed Papa.

Was he okay? Was he feeling just as hurt as Ma? What exactly had happen for her to leave him just like that and travel so far way? 

Guilt built up as more questions filled her mind, he doesn’t deserve this, No one would. She went to bed early and tried to keep her prodding to herself. The next few days were just as fun as the beginning, they all explored so many new places and landscapes only seen in textbooks. Mammoth cave and Cumberland were absolutely awe-inspiring, and their main visits before returning home. 

[thissilentecho-blog1]

Vacation?

Things didn’t really get bad till they left. 

“It’s over, we’re done?! No more?! Our happy life can resume right where we left off!” Her relief was long lived, as the damage they’ve caused had seemed to continue to dwell deep within her parents. 

The arguments were bad, they’ve always been. Her and the twin took the quad out for a ride to get away from the tension. Upon their arrival she noticed mom was absent. 

Where’s mom.

They found her miles down the gravel road. As the sun set behind the hills before her, the chill set around them and the fireflys. Mom refused to go back home or accept anyone else’s help. They ended up in the car hours later, with the chill setting in further all night. 

The sun rose as dad left for work, she watched him leave from the steamed windows of the Expedition. 

[thissilentecho-blog1]

Not too long.

The summer of 2004 when they first arrived into her home. It seemed fun, at first. they played together, shared stories, everything....

Soon it became too much, she was being blamed for things that weren’t her doing. She realized they were sucking the love and joy from her once, Innocent childish memory. 

“My family...” She thought. “Why would they allow this? Don’t they understand what is happening?” 

It would be all too long before life gave her some slack.

[thissilentecho-blog1]

Calm before the storm.

She cant think of anything to complain about growing up with nature at her fingertips, and love she didn’t have to share. It was picture perfect.