Thisworldinfrontofme

ín the eye of the beholder, 180 degrees of madness...

[thisworldinfrontofme]

Journal #1

"What's something you have done that you recommend others not to do?"

Answer: Saving someone that didn't want to be saved, even when I knew she needed/needs it. In the process, I destroyed the wonderful relationship we had. The type of relationship where talking for 10 hours straight did not become boring. I miss those days and I miss her, but lesson learned.

[thisworldinfrontofme]

Giving you all the feels at once.

[thisworldinfrontofme]

Monstera Universe... 🌿

“To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow.”

Audrey Hepburn

[thisworldinfrontofme]

Living in the plant dimension is the best place to be. 🌿

[thisworldinfrontofme]

I AM BACK BITCHES....

And allow me to say that things surely have fucken changed..... For the better that is.

[thisworldinfrontofme]

Change...

This is true, nothing that is living can ever stay the same... We all have to change sooner or later. Just like the caterpillar changes into a beautiful butterfly, I will have to change in order to stay sane. It is impossible to stay the same person when your are having different thoughts and feelings, when you have experienced different events in yout life.

I want to change, and I have to change... I need to start becoming who I am meant to be... And then I can start living again.

[thisworldinfrontofme]

Just when one thing ends, another is soon to begin.

Me...

[thisworldinfrontofme]

Moss garden, bring the peace back into my life, mind and soul. 

[thisworldinfrontofme]

Manipulator for the West

I will steal all the good from your head,

I will break you down,

cut you,

kill you,

and still you would still view me as your best.

I am not the best thing to happen to you, I am your secret enemy

My anger has become your curse.

I am the bile you puke after a long sickbed.

I infiltrate, infect and kill all the pure inside you.

I will manipulate, steal and conquer your mind.

It is all a game to me and I play it so well.

Me the selfish bitch here to destroy your imagination.

Passively lying about daily things to make me sound superior.

I am sorry,

Sorry for hurting you.

You my best friend.

Written: M.Swart 

[thisworldinfrontofme]

My friends...

I've lost them along the way of losing myself, but here I am at 00:35 in the morning thinking about them 6 years later. Where did it all go wrong, I know I had and have my own part to play in all of this. 

“Stop looking at the past, you only see your side and that is all you want to see. Look forward, look at where you want to go and with whom you want to go there with. Look at the people around you and what they mean to you, what is their purpose”.

Clinging onto one made you lose six other, just because for the fact that you thought they viewed you differently, you thought they did not change. But I see change in them, I see it every day like a Facebook ad I am reminded of what I do not have in my life and what I do.

I have a friend that is close in my heart but far in my life, you have people closer that her. Get out of the goals of quality and get back to building the quantity. Your wedding looks sad, your funeral looks boring. Nobody is going to cry over spilled milk. You are spilled milk. Lost on the floor waiting to be wiped up and the rinsed out into the drain.... the drain of depression.

 Change passively every day.

[justastupidlittlegirl]

Dear right brain

I’d also appreciate it if you stopped thinking about how i’d cover my mouth with my sleeve to stop myself from moaning during our first time, him noticing it, removing my hand, intertwining our fingers and saying ‘’moan for me, i want everyone to know you’re mine“

I hate you so much

[thisworldinfrontofme]

What I am Grateful for....

I always thought that I knew the answer to this question, but recently I am coming to the realization that I don't. I would rather like to change the question too, what should I be grateful for, especially in these times we are living in.

 The year is 2018 and whenever you put on the television and switch the channel to anything more current than series, you will see a topic arise. All over the world things are falling apart and it is quite depressing. When you switch to a more local channel these things do not become better. They become worse....

You see I live in South Africa, and I am White but... I was born after 1994. The last part does not really matter because just for the fact that I am white already makes me part of the apartheids movement.

 Again, that has nothing to do with anything, because there is only one idiot that is still making this a problem.  The thing I would like to get to be being grateful... Must I be grateful to be alive, having food to eat, being able to go to my job each day, because some people in my country do not have these "luxuries" to be grateful for. Then there is the other things that would come to mind when the word grateful comes up... like Health, money, family, being able to dream, achieving dreams, friends and lovers.

 In this land you must be grateful for what you have, and you must sometime forget the things you don't but want.

 I am a teacher and in my profession which I studied four years for, it is important to not only learn learners the content of your curriculum, but you must learn them to dream.  

 How do I teach learners how to dream, when sooner or later there would be nothing wort dreaming for? To answer the title, I am grateful for right now, being able to sit here and write this and contemplate this question in my head. We would all like to have the answer to all the questions in the world, but most of the time it is these questions that create all the problems…

  Sometimes we just must leave things and be. Be one with yourself and the tings around you.

[thisworldinfrontofme]

In the eye of the right person anything simple can look magnificent... 

[thisworldinfrontofme]

Building walls on wet foundation.

I knew they were never the problem and I also knew that I was. Yet I went into it  like swimming in ‘n pool while it was raining. There was no need when I already was wet. The only thing that will keep me sane and save me from insanity, the only thing that I can do to feel happy and connected with my inner peace again. I must destroy these wall I build, I am just to impatient for this , I am leaving it as if it is a stupid puzzle game. I must love myself I must forgive myself. 

[thisworldinfrontofme]

This is a far, as I can feel right...

I really won’t mind when this is all over, at this point the feelings are not the same as they ever were before. I just want to put a stop to it... There is really nothing to gain  at this point. I don’t feel like this has any use for us, for both of us, but yet it feel like people are keeping this  thing encouraged and in their heads they are like why are you being like this... 

I want to run and make a great escape, I want to get ready for a get away, be a shooting star and go so very far. in the night skies. He is telling me to love him even when it is fake. 

I am confused, I am pushed beyond comfort and I really do not like the feeling that it gives me. Then all of the sudden I get the feeling that I am wrong and that I am reading to much into this.................................................

FUCK ME  

[thisworldinfrontofme]

I am breaking a Heart

I am slurring all my word and not making any sense, but I act like I don’t fucking care, or instead I act like I do. I wake up thinking about what I did last night, what I said and the I realize.... I did not fucking care at all... 

This might be new to me, but that not mean I can now go around and break hearts left right ans center. 

Fuck me and fuck this. 

[thisworldinfrontofme]

Good Morning...

The mornings are made for staring slow. 

Waking up on your biological clock and feeling the fresh morning breeze blowing through the window. Starting your day strong with a warm cup of coffee in your hand, huddled up in bed looking or reading something that gets your mind going. The day is ahead your future awaits but for now there is only one thing and that is taking up the moment, the sunrise, the smell and taste of being where you are... In bed.