one thorpe is not enough

Better than Ryan and Sharpay, Cersei and Jaime, or any other sibling duo this side of Bath; this blog is run by John and Isabella Thorpe, King & Queen of FABULOUS. Here we'll document our uber-exciting lives, as well as just posting about the many things we like! We like a lot of things, it's part of what makes us such interesting and loveable people. || ***DISCLAIMER: this is a parody blog, in which we pretend to be fictional characters. Most of the views expressed here are emphatically NOT those of the management. So no, we don't like John Thorpe either. (let's be real - who does?)

[thorpealicious]

John's Blind d8 #LADS

lol so even thoughthis blind date was with… another lad… who was tilneytastic… it went pretty awsomely if I do say so myself. My charm was ON POINT. The Guardian refuses to publish this, idek why, this is like 100x more interesting than w/e ‘news’ the normally do. Anyway. Under this break is the hottest d8 ladkind has EVER seen.

John Thorpe on Henry Tilney

What were you hoping for? A girl. The gay thing was just a bit of bant obviously, they should have been able to tell…

First impressions? Not a girl. But he was pretty easy on the old Thorpers. I mean, I’m totes str8. I like girls. But you know, pretty fit.

What did you talk about? HORSES. And, um… my equipage. I told him about my latest mount. He said something about God, or something like that, but I don’t know. I was looking at his eyes. In a friend way. Like, we’re bros.

Any awkward moments? We found out we have the same girlfriend.

Good table manners? Obvs! I couldn’t stop looking at his soft manly hands. In a bro way.

Best thing about him? His pecs.

Would you introduce him to your friends? Yah, would be top bant. Twinkletoes would love him.

Describe Henry in three words. FIT. No homo.

What do you think he made of you? I could tell he was hanging on to my every word. He loved hearing about my equipage. #Jenry5Ever

Did you go on somewhere? I tried to drag him to my stables with a glass of Prosecco but I don’t think he got the hint.

And… did you kiss? I tried. I don’t think he got that hint, either.

If you could change one thing about the evening, what would it be? I would have told him about ALL of my horses. Oh, and that he was a girl. I’m still straight.

Marks out of 10? 11! In that bro way.

Would you meet again? #Bromance ;)

Henry Tilney on John Thorpe

What were you hoping for? Not that.

First impressions? Oh God.

What did you talk about? Horses. I tested the waters with my matrimony-dancing analogy, but in the end I just gave up.

Any awkward moments? What, apart from the whole thing?

Good table manners? I’ve never seen someone get so creative towards caviar. Such aggressive forkmanship.

Best thing about him? …this is a struggle.

Would you introduce him to your friends? Well, it turns out he thinks he’s engaged to my girlfriend, so I guess they’ve already met.

Describe John in three words. Never shuts up.

What do you think he made of you? He kept staring at my hands. And my tailcoat. I told him my face was higher.

Did you go on somewhere? He tried…

And… did you kiss? @#!*}#$!£

If you could change one thing about the evening, what would it be? [sobs quietly]

Marks out of 10? Absolute zero. Would require creation of new number system.

Would you meet again? Well, as I led him to a taxi, he brokenly whispered “hashtag Jenry…” You work it out.

[thorpealicious]

heya guys I heard you've both been on some blind dates???!!!???!!!!!!! SHARE THE GOSS <3 <3 <3

oh yeah we DID go on the hottest d8s eva ;) and we'll spread the goss asap, just wait and see...

[modelled on the guardian blind dates series]

[hypher-nation]

An extract from ‘The Basil Pot’ by John Keats

by Holly and Caz

[thorpealicious]

Little dating tip from your babe Isabella: If your beau dies, grow herbs out of his head (as shown above). Nothing is more attractive than a gal with a tragic backstory! Love you ma little love pupils Isabella Thorpe xxxx

[tenderpotter]

And if no-one were allowed to change their minds, where would we all be?

[thorpealicious]

Isabella top tip ;) - you can ALWAYS change your mind, gurls ;)

[anaustenheroine]

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demonstration of my flirting tips ;) which ;) are second to NONE!

Isabella xxx

[tarjeimoe]

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little tip from Isabella Thorpe on how to trip innocent gals (also rich ideally) into becoming your best amie. you're welcome

Isabella xxx

[thorpealicious]

but my fave ever pick-up line... is this. it always works a treat... i've already used it 7 times today! lol

You: do I know you? you look like my FUTURE WIFE

Her: sorry, I'm not interested.

You: I have three ducks at my country house in Shropshire.

Her: what...?

You: oh sorry, I thought we were mentioning things that don't matter.

[thorpealicious]

People call me John. But you can call on me. TONIGHT.

this is one of my all-time faves! like LOL totally.

John Thorpe xoxo

[thorpealicious]

You: Excuse me, I appear to be lost. May you assist me with directions? Girl: To what? You: TO YOUR HEART! (bank account works too)

more hot hot hot pick-up lines! courtesy of the only JOHN THORPE xoxo

[thorpealicious]

Thorpe Park

Come over to Thorpe Park and we'll take you on a ride... ;) ;) ;) ;0 ;)

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Pardon me, Miss, do you like balls?

Tried and tested! My cheek still stings from her slap. I’m sure she was secretly flattered. xoxo John

Jane Austen pick-up lines

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Did you clean your gown with silver polish? For I can see myself in your muslin.

Some pickup lines just never fail. xoxo John

[thorpealicious]

Attracting Rich Men 101

So you've located your hawt young man, you think he might be blessed with money as well as smokin looks - and now you wanna move in for the kill. If you're not sure how, this is your lucky day - for I, mistress of rich-guy seduction, am here to lend you my secrets. I'm assuming you're at least almost as hot as I am - if not, you don't have a chance.

First, make sure he's actually rich. Not checking this is a pitfall too many amateur-potential-trophy-wives fall into, and I must confess, I have in the past been taken in by some really fit guy who turned out to be only like, half as rich as their looks fooled you into thinking they were. Boo. James Morland, you were totes gorge, but you just couldn't afford this chick. Ask around - maybe one of your friends knows him and can guess at his approximate income. Is it in four digits? Then you got yourself a target. Lock on, baby.

Now, you have to get his attention, which shouldn't be too hard - if you're as hot as me, you probably already have it. (You DON'T perpetually have gangs of boys following you around? Why are you even reading this?) This phase starts before you even leave home. How low is your neckline? Not low enough! I recommend investing in some SERIOUS push-up corsetry, as showcased on this very blog, to increase the appeal. Check: where are his eyes? Adjust your cleavage to suit.

Play a little hard to get. Most likely, the men will now be following you like sheep. Let them keep following. If, say, two men follow you out of a bookshop - a common predicament, I find - you walk on by, girl. Although, actually, you're walking precisely in the direction you know they're heading, so you can accidentally bump into them five minutes later and break some hearts. But they don't know that. Yet.

Similarly, refuse to dance at least twice. If they keep going after that, they got it bad. Excellent - they're probably massive pushovers, too. The best kind of husband material.

If he's a little more assertive, work with it. Let him THINK he's leading you - when actually, you're the one manipulating him. Learn to plant ideas into his head - practice pouting and acting sad to make him think it was his plan all along, and learn how to twist words to completely undermine him. It ain't worth having a husband you aren't completely controlling, am I right?

Get him alone. Maybe it isn't proper for a young lady of your standing to be alone at night with a men - who cares? What is this, the 18th century? Not anymore, honey! If a night alone won't persuade him, nothing will - as I unfortunately learned with Captain Tilney. Eh, his loss.

So if you follow these tips, you should be off and married to some hot young heir before you can say 'questionable morality'. Remember, if all else fails - cleavage.

[thorpealicious]

John, you're the ultimate babe. You must have girls like, begging for you. Just how do you do it?

Hell yeah, man! listen carefully to my JOHN tips.

So, you’ve found the right girl: ideally rich, young, naive

Now, how should you act? How can you trick her into marrying you?

Well let me tell you…

First of all, make sure they’re actually rich. Check out their outfits and their chaperones. E.g. Catherine Morland – pretty dress – chaperone: the Allens (rich heirless couple! ;) we have a MATCH.

Give them lots of long sidelong glances. Smile the winning smile and meet their eyes in a captivating way… watch and learn.

Ask your sister to befriend the young girl. This will be a useful tool for manipulation later on.

Ask the girl to go on a walk with you. If she is already busy, then lie to her and say that the people she is waiting for have left town and forgotten about her. Take her in your gorgeous open-topped chariot. If she spots her friends (who of course have not left without her! Lol!), drive on – don’t stop, but tell her that it was for her own good and that you want to be with her. Pretty please. (If all else fails do THE PUPPY EYES. Chicks LOVE that…)

Lie to her and tell her that all her other suitors are murderers and disreputable.

Pay her false soppy compliment, like, “your eyes are totally like two round brown dots with two black dots in the middle. It’s like rad. Like I could totally eat them.)

Get her on her own and ask her whether she thinks marriage in general is a good idea. She’ll probably say, “Um, yeah.” Then wink and go away to Shropshire. It’s time to buy a DIAMOND RING ;) Choose a glitzy one. (she'll love the sparkles!)

Of course, the girl doesn’t really know that you’ve just proposed to her. So here comes the blackmail. Tell your sister to congratulate her friend (your gal) on your engagement. Cue shocked girl. Then get your sister to make your gal feel really bad by saying stuff like, “Oh I suppose it’s ok to trifle with people’s affections…” and “Poor John, he’ll be heartbroken,” “I fear he feels extraordinarily downcast.”

Come back to Bath. Be really romantic and give your gal the RING in a public place with all your family and hers (so she feels pressured to say YES). Ask her to marry you (don’t forget on one knee – it’s more dramatic and will attract more attention – more pressure!).

RESULT: MARRIAGE! (also when her father questions you about your income, bluff your way through until it’s too late… ;) Congratulations you are now married to a young rich gal. Time to produce some heirs… ;)

[careymulligandaily]

[thorpealicious]

thanks guys, love these pics. do you think I look hot? I think I look hot? What do you say John?

I hope Captain Tilby sees these! Someone's gonna regret losing me...

Isabella

xxxxx

[thorpealicious]

B: stands for Bath, where me and sis are right now. But it also stands for BOOZE, BABES and BANTA!!! of which there are plenty in Bath! saw this megahot babe at the Assembly Rooms just now and oh man she was totesss checking me out! Kind of glancing at me, at least. Not that I was looking at her or anything, though. Gotta keep the chicks at a distance, keep em interested! never seem desperate. Thorpe Tip #36.

Okay, maybe I was looking at her a little. Don't think she noticed. She was just too cute, ya know? Anyway, my mate Edmund who I was with said he recognised the peeps she was hanging around, the Allens or something? She must be their daughter. He said he didn't know they had kids, but whatever, cause apparently they are MINTED! Looks like a great, rich gene pool to marry into. Momma needs as much cash as she can get, cause these good looks don't come cheap, baby!

John out.

[tilneytastic]

gorgeous dress xxx

i’m just speechless. wow that dress is a stunner! 

not sure how well it will wash though… lol

[thorpealicious]

lol brooooooo why you do this to urself… #LOSER

xoxo John