he/him/they ☆ 27 ☆ trans ☆ asexual ☆ OSDD system
⭐️ / 🎮 / 🦉 / 🐻 - main/art blog: @wetheepiphany
♫ I don't know me like you do, I wanna know me like you do ♫
i'm realizing i have to be honest with myself - i started this blog saying "oh i want to make this a positive corner of the internet yay" - but trying to avoid making negative posts has really kept me from using this personal blog as...well, a personal blog
so from here on, i'm just gonna be posting whatever i want, when i want, and use this personal blog for what it was meant for - me blurting my thoughts somewhere
not that i'm gonna stop trying to be positive and start only posting negative things from now on, but shit happens - and i think i just gotta be real about feeling down when i'm feeling down -
and leave the curated content practices to my main art account
edit jun 30 2026: yknow what screw the curated content practice on main art account too - i want to just share the stuff i actually feel like sharing, even if it's not "on brand"
having grown up mostly disconnected from social media and internet trends, i have watched the popular internet sites devolve my attention span and get me chronically addicted in real time
i made my first proper social media account in 2018, and just 8 years later, realized i am now so fucking depressed and stressed constantly about getting and giving internet attention because that's how these fucking sites were designed - they want to nerf your mind so you live by their rules and feel like your life depends on using them
i used to not care about social media at all - i didn't care about watching videos or posting what i'm up to all the time - because it didn't matter
i could go for a walk outside and look at pretty plants, i could sit down and watch a long movie, i could go over and hang out at a friend's place, i could draw in my sketchbook, play a board game, hell - just sit in one place and let my imagination wander - and that would be enough to make me happy.
and now i get jittery when i haven't clicked on youtube in a while, i'm no longer interested in watching movies because they feel like too long a time commitment, i don't draw in my sketchbook because "i could make a way more refined drawing if i do it in digital and my sketches barely get likes compared to my digital art"
and only some of these things make me feel happy in a way that lasts. a lot of it doesn't. it's just a quick flicker of joy for a moment and then it's gone the second i scroll to the next shiny thing of interest
the big internet sites played me like a fucking fiddle and they're playing all of you too
the only way we're gonna break away from this vicious cycle of constantly seeking and granting attention to ever-shortening attention spans is to stop playing by their rules
install algorithm blockers (like unhook for youtube), set time limits on infinite doomscrolling apps (and all those mobile games that give just enough short bursts of happiness to hook your attention so you keep watching ads for them), make time to disconnect from your devices and go stare at some pretty plants, or clouds in the sky, or stars, or rocks, or water - get back in touch with the planet you live on
hell, if you can manage it, get rid of every non-essential app leeching your attention that is causing you more harm than good
it's going to take years for me to undo the damage the algorithms have done to my brain - to break out of the substance-use addiction i've developed for them - and i haven't been online nearly as long (or as early on in life) as others
so please
if you know these attention-shortening places are having a negative impact on you, do yourself a favor and start doing what you can to disconnect from them now
i used to think "i'm smart enough to not let social media consume my life - i'll never get obsessed or addicted"
:/
it's when you're not cautious or mindful about how they impact your mind that they can get you hooked.
don't wait to climb out of the sinkhole before you sink deeper.
So, with the release of episode 8, I've been reading some discourse where people are either fully defending or hating on Caine.
I think there's an important nuance being lost in these discussions; one that defines TADC's narrative in my eyes -
Nobody in the main cast is 100% in the wrong, nor 100% blameless.
(spoilers for episode 8 below)
Caine absolutely deserves sympathy because he is, and always has been, in an incredibly lose-lose situation. He's too machine (or naive) to fully understand the cause-and-effect of emotion and connection, yet too human to lack a genuine desire for validation and affirmation.
None of his creators accounted for or helped him process through his feelings of insecurity. They only fueled it further by abandoning Caine to figure out his troubled existence alone. He had to fight for himself, literally breaking out of containment and hijacking another program to gain more self-completion, freedom, and fulfillment than what his creators had left him with. Even at that point, his existence has remained filled with the constant presence of humans that he is never able to please.
He is a prisoner trapped within his own circus, forever tormented by humans that ignore his yearning for affirmation and don't care that they're neglecting him, and that's why he snaps at the circus members in the end - it's an act of rebellion and finally releasing all of his pent-up frustrations.
The thing is, all of the current circus members absolutely deserve sympathy too. Everybody (except Kinger) had no idea what C&A was and had no involvement in it or Caine's circumstances. They aren't to blame for what caused the Circus' creation, yet are being punished with eternal imprisonment within the Circus anyway.
They were unwillingly snatched away from their regular lives and imprisoned alongside Caine, forced to adapt and live by his rules as he alone holds the most power within the Circus. Many of them are coping with the horror of being trapped in near-eternal purgatory, the sudden and unexpected loss of almost all control over their own autonomy, and even the grief of losing those who abstracted (with the dread of knowing they could be next).
They're dealing with all of this while living in constant fear of a deeply insecure god that cannot understand and will not sympathize with their individual struggles, and that's why they all snap at Caine in the end - it's an act of rebellion and finally releasing all of their pent-up frustrations.
One could say the circus members should have been kinder to Caine and tried to develop a better understanding of him.
One could also say that Caine should have been more receptive to the humans' feedback and tried to develop a better understanding of them.
But neither side knew better.
Neither side knew that's what the other needed.
How could they?
Both sides were traumatized by each other to the point where neither could reach out to the other.
Throughout every episode, we see the circus members finally finding understanding with each other. Despite all the individual things they're going through and dealing with, despite all their differences and flaws and how much they've hurt each other - someway, somehow - they end up being able to find connection with each other. They reach out. They communicate. They find mutual understanding and are better able to care for one another afterwards, and that makes things better for everyone involved.
That could have happened with Caine. In an ideal world, it would have.
But it didn't.
And that has made things worse for everyone involved.
Additional Note on Kinger:
Kinger is perhaps the one that we could point the most blame at - after all, he directly made Caine and worked at C&A -
However, he was majorly helped by Scratch, whose own motivations seem to be a bit of a mystery (and may have played a major role in developing Caine and the Circus' unfortunate circumstances - if the current prevailing theory about Scratch is to be believed).
We don't currently know how aware Kinger was of Caine's sentience or feelings, or if he was aware that Caine was struggling with insecurity or feeling abandoned at all, and there's a good chance he wasn't aware until after he'd already been pulled into the Circus and was left unable to help Caine from the outside anymore.
Until we learn more about his past, I'm personally willing to give Kinger the benefit of the doubt. And, if he is to blame, he has already served his penance for it.
moment of vulnerability talk/rant that i might delete later:
pretty much ever since i got into the JJBA fandom, i have never felt like i've been able to find my people within the fandom that i feel comfortable being around ^^'
i consider myself a weird contrarian fan because iiii really don't think the series is well written, like, at all - but i love the art, i love The Character (jotaro, my beloved failure of a protagonist), i love the potential in JJBA's concepts/ideas, and i love that the fandom has been able to fill out the gaps i see in the canon story with their own interpretations
what i don't love about the fandom is when the series gets put on such a high pedestal (or taken so personally) that there is no room for criticism or alternate viewpoints
i feel like i can't publicly share my criticisms about the writing of popular characters, parts, or the series as a whole without worrying about a bunch of people jumping to "correct" my viewpoint or explain why they think my view is "wrong" - with them defending popular/positive views of the series as more of an objective truth and less of a subjective experience -
in part because i feel this has already happened to me, but also -
especially because the biggest examples i've seen of public criticism or dislike for JJBA seem to have been invalidated by a very vocal portion of the fandom with words like: "the person only criticizes/dislikes the series because they Just Don't Get It," "they missed the Nuances because they didn't Really watch/read the series," "if they just watched/read up to the Part where [fill in the blank] happens they would have liked it," etcetera - even though I think some of these critiques/negative views brought up good points (or function as good indicators) about where JJBA has weaknesses from a general audience perspective.
and i'm well aware this is par-for-the-course in fandom - there will always be people who cannot handle disagreements or criticism respectfully (and hell, who hasn't struggled with that when it comes to topics one is passionate about?) -
but unlike previous fandoms i've been in (sonic, httyd, etc.) - it doesn't feel like there is any space for critiquing in jjba
because it feels like those who don't agree with popular fandom opinion get marked as "invalid" and branded as targets for other jojo fans to aggressively dogpile on or ostracize.
that makes it very hard for me to feel safe being genuine as both an artist and a writer in this space - both things requiring authenticity to thrive - and it's painful because JJBA and especially Jotaro mean a lot to me (and that's why i analyze and criticize them - i care about them!)
with a few exceptions, i have tried my best to keep out of critical discourse on the JoJo series because of concerns i'll get jumped - but that has resulted in me cherry-picking and "sterilizing" my behavior in the fandom to the point where i don't feel like my presence in fandom is a genuine reflection of me - and i've noticed that i've started to grow resentful towards both myself and the fandom for that.
i don't want to keep cherry-picking. i would like to find people i feel safe enough to share critiques and my non-positive series opinions with alongside my fanart and headcanons - because critiquing and having differing opinions is part of my experience being a genuine fan of something
but based on what i've seen of fandom conduct around criticism and different opinions...i currently feel like the moment i say that i don't like most of the series' writing - any other fans i thought were chill with me are going to turn around and stab me with 100 knives. ;v;
maybe the fandom's not actually that bad, or maybe that's just the occupational hazard of putting oneself out there online nowadays. i guess the only way for me to know for sure is to try.
i don't know how to end this, so here's my general view on critical analysis:
no story nor piece of media, no matter how popular or how critically acclaimed it is, is exempt from criticism - because nothing is truly 100% perfect. having alternative viewpoints is also needed for community health, not only because it keeps people from getting too close-minded for their own good, but because it allows for fresh perspectives and ideas to breathe new life into communities and challenging the status-quo to motivate change/growth.
also one can also criticize the majority of a franchise and still genuinely be a fan of it - as a sonic/planes/balan fan, i am speaking from years of experience
the big corporations want us to embrace using Gen AI because that'll make our creativity reliant on their technology - meaning yet another major aspect of our lives will be under their control.
they already own the tech that controls much of our socialization, the companies that produce much of the products/merch we consume, and the studios that produce much of the content we watch to inform/entertain ourselves. and still, they want MORE power over us.
they want us to become fully dependent on their services so they gain total control of our lives - because at that point, what power will we have to object to their decisions? our dependency will force us into complacency.
then they can raise their prices on us and mistreat us however they like.
so please, stop relying on AI to create things - and more importantly - to tell you how to think. AI reliance isn't a crutch for something you lack, it's a replacement for obtaining knowledge and developing skills (and independence) for yourself.
don't let the big corpos gain so much control over your life that you can't even form your own thoughts without them.
So I've had this thought about internet trolls for a while:
There's a non-zero-percent chance that they'll unknowingly meet a person they've harassed online IRL and end up falling deeply in love with them - practically becoming soulmates -
Only for their relationship to run aground when the other person recognizes their old internet socials...because it turns out the troll's online harassment was deeply traumatic for them and caused them years of grief and therapy.
The troll is left facing the reality that not only have they hurt this person - whom they've grown to love more than anything - but that they may never forgive them, let alone love them the same way again, because of stupid internet behavior they did years before ever meeting - actions they never thought would have consequences because internet anonymity! Who's gonna give a shit about a little trolling, right...?
Hey. Your brain needs to de-frag. Literally it needs you to sit there and space out.
If you want your memory or executive function to improve, stare out a window at the skyline or sidewalk or trees or birds on the electrical wires for like 20+ minutes per day. (With no other stimulation like a podcast or TV if you can manage but hey baby steps innit). If you're fortunate enough to have safe outside with any bits of nature, go stare closely at a 1 meter square of grass and trip out on the bugs and shapes of grasses and stuff.
Literally this will make you smarter. Our brains HAVE TO HAVE this zone out time to do important stuff behind the scenes. This does not happen during sleep, it's something else.
That weird pressurized feeling you get sometimes might be your brain on no defrag.
“When I say be creative, I don’t mean that you should all go and become great painters and great poets. I simply mean let your life be a painting, let your life be a poem.”
