Mia. She/her. In my 20s. Mia_writes on AO3. Currently obsessed with ASoIaF, but also into Stranger Things, All For The Game, The Raven Cycle, The Shadowhunter Chronicles, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Black Sails, and more!
Aka, a list of fics where Shane or Ilya gets cancelled. If you have more, please leave them in the comments.
Shane:
#Don’tYouDareFuckingFreeMe by Airuna
Shane’s texts with “Lily” leak and the world thinks he’s abusing his girlfriend. Ilya decides to out them both to reporters to explain why this isn’t true. Marly pov.
#FREELILY (Shane Hollander vs hockeytwitter) by persimmon_tea
Shane gets cancelled for his texts to Lily. Twice. The first time is pre coming out when the world thinks he’s being misogynistic. The second time he’s publicly married to Ilya and the internet thinks he’s cheating.
#getLilyout by viridescented
While at the cottage, Shane and Lily’s texts leak. The world (and Yuna Hollander) think he’s being physically abusive to his girlfriend. Shane has no clue what’s going on.
Ilya:
Shall We Talk About Home? by OtherWaysHome
Ilya is sent to a Queer Studies class after being cancelled for saying the f-slur. He befriends his professor.
#ilyarozanovisoverparty by chuyasexual
Ilya is cancelled for having an Asian fetish based on the demographics of the girls in the Rozanov puck bunny subreddit. There’s a very simple explanation for this, but the internet doesn’t see it.
How do you download EPUBs of really long fanfictions?
I want to download Fundamental Theorem of Heroics by NightowlRobin, but it’s over 1 million words and neither my phone nor computer can handle downloading that (or maybe AO3 can’t handle converting it to an EPUB).
Alternatively, if someone has a downloaded copy, can you please send it to me?
I need more Troy Barrett centered fanfic. Where is my “5 times the Centaurs realize Troy isn’t just an asshole” fics or they find out about his home life or that he was cheated on by a beloved a-list celebrity. PLEAASSSD🥀🥀🥀 Troy Barrett whump/crack/protective centaurs🕯️🕯️🕯️
asoiaf fans: jon is a stark. jon is a targaryen. jon is a dayne. jon is a secret prince. jon is a blackfyre. jon will be legitimized.
the actual books: never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. I scream that I'm not a stark, that this isn't my place, but it's no good, I have to go anyway, so I start down, feeling the walls as I descend, with no torch to light the way. tyrion lannister had claimed that most men would rather deny a hard truth than face it, but jon was done with denials. he was who he was; jon snow, bastard and oathbreaker, motherless, friendless, and damned. was ever a name more ill-omened? we look up at the same stars, and see such different things. and if it did trouble me, what might I do, bastard as I am? you should look behind you, lord snow. the moon has kissed you and etched your shadow upon the ice twenty feet tall. I offered you a name. I have a name, your grace. “snow,” the bird kept screaming. “snow, snow, snow.”
Can we have a round of applause for my boy Kevin? Cause that man’s newfound spine is one of the strongest I’ve ever seen, especially given it was practically nonexistent for several books.
He:
Denounced the Ravens publicly and on-camera
Called the Ravens a bunch of liars (“With all due respect, there is no point. You will never take anyone’s word over theirs, so you are best off asking the Ravens for the truth. But good luck: they do not know how to tell it unless one has been fed to them.)
Told Jean “remains to be seen” when Jean asked if the Ravens should be scared of them
Defended his Foxes when Hannah Bailey called their win “unexpected”
Called out Hannah Bailey’s attempts to blame the Foxes for Riko’s death and insisted that Riko was trying to murder Neil and that Andrew’s actions were necessary
Called out Hannah Bailey when she tried to ask Jean about the "rumors" and said she was buying into sensationalism
To paraphrase Jean, let the camera see the heartless side of him, which was unprecedented
Called Jean his brother on camera
Brought Thea to the Foxhole Court to rage about the Ravens and help destroy them (you cannot tell me Wymack came up with that plan alone, or had her number saved)
Launched himself into a brutal on-court brawl against the Ravens in defense of Neil (and risked his hand)
I actually really love this version of Kevin and I'm so excited for him and his growth
I read a Heated Rivalry fic a while ago that I can’t find. It’s either entirely or mostly from Hayden’s pov as he tries to reform Ilya Rozanov’s image as a favor to Shane so that it’ll be easier for Shane and Ilya to be seen in public together (it was all Jackie’s idea, inspired by the wedding the Pike kids held for Shane and Ilya). When Shane and Ilya are eventually outed, the reaction is less bad than it could have been and the metrics show it’s because of the effort Hayden put in (and convinced other hockey players, like JJ and Scott, to put in).
Since AO3 is down and I'm sure people are losing their minds looking for fics (I am people), I'm posting some of my fics over here. If you look in the tag "Mia writes fanfic" you can see all the fic I've posted on tumblr. If you prefer to read on AO3 now that it’s back up, you can find this fic here
Robin was the first person to notice something was wrong with Steve Harrington.
By the end of the day, everyone had noticed. People were whispering up and down the halls, wondering what had happened to Steve since yesterday to make him act so drastically different. He hadn’t flirted with a single girl all day. He’d told Tommy Hagan to “knock it off” when Tommy had started tormenting a freshman. He’d treated his friends weirdly – avoiding Jason Carver, a sophomore on the basketball team who he’d been training, losing patience with Carol Perkins’s snappish remarks, freezing up when some cheerleaders talked to him.
Robin heard all of this second-hand. King Steve was so notorious that even the band kids were gossiping about his personality transplant. Multiple people came up to Robin to share some tidbit of gossip that they insisted proved that Steve had been body-snatched.
But Robin didn’t need rumors to know that Steve Harrington was different. She’d known since first period, when he’d walked into Ms. Click’s class on time and without a bagel. Steve had barely glanced at Tammy, even as she’d looked at him from under her lashes, beautiful and enticing. Instead, Steve had, for the first time in his entire life, looked at Robin.
And he’d smiled at her. Not a polite acknowledgement of her existence – which still would have been more than Robin had ever gotten from him – but a huge, friendly smile. The kind that would have had most girls falling at his feet.
Robin glanced behind her to see if Steve was smiling at someone else, but unless Steve was smiling like that at Fred Benson – even more unlikely – he was definitely directing that expression at her.
Robin spun back to Steve, unsure what her face was communicating. Confusion, maybe, or wide-eyed shock.
Steve didn’t look offended or surprised by her reaction, just gave her a dorky little wave and sat down.
Robin stared at the back of his head, still trying to process what had just happened. Tammy turned to Robin, scanning her up and down. Robin knew she was just trying to figure out what about Robin had caught King Steve’s interest, but her scrutiny made Robin feel all hot anyway. It was Tammy, looking at Robin intently. With purpose. Taking in Robin’s stupid perm and her smudgy makeup and her layers of jewelry.
Robin blushed.
Tammy turned back around.
Ms. Click began talking, but Robin didn’t hear a single word for the rest of class, lost in thought. She alternated between loud mental screaming about the fact that Tammy had looked at her and staring at Steve Harrington’s famous hair and wondering what the hell had inspired him to notice her existence.
Robin was packing in a daze at the end of class when Steve gave her another smile before leaving. Robin accidentally met Tammy’s eyes, which were just as confused as Robin felt.
Tammy bit her lip, which was pink and soft-looking. “Robin? Did you talk to Steve over the weekend?”
Oh my god. Tammy was talking to her. It wasn’t like Tammy never talked to her, but every single time it made Robin lose her mind and babble like a freak.
Robin just shook her head instead of risking opening her mouth.
“Oh,” Tammy said, looking disappointed. “But you like him?”
“No,” Robin said honestly. “I don’t even know him.”
“But you like him,” Tammy said, and this time it wasn’t a question. “I saw you blushing after he smiled at you.”
“I guess so,” Robin said. What else was she supposed to say? She couldn’t tell Tammy that she didn’t give a damn if Steve Harrington looked at her and that the blush had been all for Tammy. That would send Tammy running the other way.
“You don’t have to be embarrassed,” Tammy said. “A lot of girls like Steve.”
She didn’t mention that she was one of those girls, but she didn’t need to. Robin knew.
Maybe it would be okay to pretend to like Steve. It would give her and Tammy something in common and it would help her hide in plain sight. Steve was the perfect fake crush for a lesbian, pretty and athletic enough to be an acceptable crush, but unattainable enough that she would never have to act on it. Robin had never faked a crush on him before because of the principle of the thing, but now that she’d accidentally already done it, she might as well keep up the pretense.
“Today must have been a fluke,” Robin told Tammy, trying to sound both reassuring and lovelorn. She didn’t want Tammy to see her as a threat. She wanted her to see her as a friend. “I don’t think Steve even knows my name.”
***
But Steve kept smiling at her for the rest of the week and on Thursday, Tammy asked Robin if she wanted to hang out after school.
“Really?” Robin asked. Then, “I mean, yeah, sure. Sounds fun.”
So Robin went to Tammy’s house with the rest of Tammy’s friends. Apparently they did this every Thursday — Friday and Saturday were date nights, which made Thursday the perfect girls’ night.
They went up to Tammy’s room, which was like peeking into her mind. The other girls paid no attention to the room, probably having seen it a million times. They settled on the floor, spreading bowls of chips and chocolates around and pulling out magazines and nail polish. But Robin couldn’t help but try to take in every detail of the room. The walls were pink and the curtains and bedspread a gauzy white, giving everything a bit of a princess feel. But there were posters on the wall, and not the kind Robin had expected. There weren’t handsome movie stars — these were girls with guitars.
“Who’s that?” Robin asked, pointing at a poster of a girl with long straight hair, standing over a microphone and holding a guitar.
Tammy twisted to see who Robin was pointing to. “That’s Emmylou Harris. She’s incredible. She was one of the first women to really make it big in country music.”
“So you want to be like her?” Robin asked.
Tammy blushed a little, playing with the end of her long blonde curls. “I mean, I don’t know if I’m as good as Emmylou Harris. But that’s the dream.”
“You’re really good,” Robin said sincerely. “I heard you singing Kiss On My List before class the other day and it was-“ captivating. life-changing. beautiful. “Really good,” Robin finished lamely.
“Thank you,” Tammy said, looking touched.
One of Tammy’s friends — Olivia? — rolled her eyes. “Tam, we didn’t invite Robin here to talk about your singing. We want to hear about Steve Harrington!”
The two other girls — Karen and Melissa — giggled and nodded their agreement.
“What did you do to get his attention?” Olivia asked Robin.
Robin tried not to obviously deflate. She wanted to talk to Tammy about her passions, see the way Tammy lit up when she smiled. She didn’t want to gossip about stupid boys, especially not Steve Harrington.
But that was why they’d invited her over. Her fake crush on Steve was her in with these girls, with Tammy, and she had to make them believe her if she wanted to be invited to spend more time with him.
“I don’t know,” Robin said honestly. “I’ve sat behind him all year and I didn’t think he knew I existed. And then all of a sudden on Monday — bam! — he’s acting like he knows me.”
Melissa hummed, passing around bottles of nail polish. “Maybe it’s your hair? Did you perm it recently? Cause Heather Holloway says Steve has a thing for girls with curly hair.”
Tammy frowned at her own hair and shook her head. “Robin’s hair has been like that all year.”
Tammy had watched Robin closely enough to notice what she did with her hair? Robin bit down on a smile, grabbing blue nail polish from Melissa.
“Did you go to the party last weekend?” Karen asked.
Robin shook her head. She’s actually spend last weekend reading a book, listening to her language tapes, and playing board games with her parents. Nothing that could be remotely considered cool.
“Did you look particularly pretty on Monday?” Olivia asked.
Robin shrugged. “I think I just looked how I always do.”
Tammy put on a Kris Kristofferson record then sat down beside Robin again. “I guess we’ll just have to watch what he does in class. Collect more information.”
“I guess so,” Robin said, hoping Steve forgot her existence soon for her own sake. She didn’t know what she would do if he actually asked her out.
But maybe if he kept giving her attention she could keep this new friendship with Tammy, at least for a little while.
Robin sighed, loud and long.
“Don’t worry,” Tammy said, “We’ll figure it out.”
“And you don’t… mind?” Robin asked. “I know you like him too. I don’t want to break girl code or something.”
Robin had never worried about breaking girl code before, for obvious reasons, but she’d seen girls fall out over liking the same guy.
Olivia snorted. “Please. Girl code doesn’t count when it comes to Steve Harrington. He’s slept with half the school.”
“Yeah, everyone knows he’s just a good time,” Karen added. “He doesn’t actually date girls for real.”
“I went out with him for two weeks in middle school,” Melissa said. “We made it to second base and then he dumped me for Erica Tanner.”
“You’re in good company here,” Olivia promised.
Tammy still hadn’t spoken. Tammy was focused on painting her nails bright pink, a color Robin would never choose for herself but that perfectly matched with Tammy’s pink cheeks and pink lips, which she was biting.
Because Tammy cared, Robin realized. Steve might be the school slut, and he might never date a girl seriously, but Tammy liked him for real.
Melissa, Olivia, and Karen were now arguing over whether Melissa’s two-week fling with Steve Harrington counted as a relationship. They seemed sufficiently distracted, so Robin dropped her voice low and leaned into Tammy’s space.
“Do you mind?” she asked Tammy. “Because I can back off.”
“No,” Tammy said, smile pretty and entirely a lie. “It’s okay. I don’t mind.”
Robin didn’t know what to do with that. Was Tammy trying to save face by not admitting she had a real crush on Steve Harrington? Was this her way of testing if Robin was worthy friend-material? How was Steve fucking Harrington Robin’s key to getting to know Tammy and also the one who was mostly likely to ruin this new friendship?
“Okay,” Robin said, staring at her nails so she wouldn’t have to figure out what facial expression was appropriate. She cleared her throat. “So you were telling me about Emmylou Harris?”
***
Steve Harrington came up to Robin at her locker on Friday, when she was getting the books she needed to take home for the weekend.
“Hey,” he said, like it wasn’t supremely weird that he was approaching Robin Buckley, band geek and wallflower and no one who ever should have caught his eye.
“Hi?” Robin answered.
Steve ran his fingers through his hair. “Do you want to go to the diner with me? We could get milkshakes.”
Robin stared at him. Was this a joke? A prank? Had one of his friends dared him to ask out the weird band kid?
“What?” Robin asked.
Steve rubbed the back of his neck. He looked nervous, which was crazy. He was Steve Harrington and she was just Robin Buckley.
“I can drive us,” Steve said. “And I’ll pay.”
“I’m not going on a date with you,” Robin said. It was a gut reaction, but a second later Robin couldn’t help but wonder if she should have said yes. What was she going to tell Tammy about why she’d turned down her supposed crush?
But why was Steve Harrington even asking her out in the first place?
Steve didn’t look offended at her rejection, but he did hurry to say, “I know. I didn’t mean as a date.”
Robin looked down the hall. A group of cheerleaders at one end was watching them, giggling and tittering. Had the cheerleaders put him up to this? Girls could be vicious, but trying to embarrass a girl by having a boy ask her out seemed like a more guy type of prank somehow.
“You want to hang out with me just as friends,” Robin said skeptically.
“Yeah,” Steve said.
Robin rolled her eyes. “Right. Thanks, but no thanks.”
“I mean it,” Steve said. “I want to be friends.”
He was lying. Robin didn’t know why, but he was lying. Maybe he thought that if she hung out with him as “friends” she would eventually change her mind and agree to date him.
“Why?” Robin demanded. “Why would you want to be friends with me?”
Steve opened his mouth, then paused. He thought for a few seconds before he said, “You seem cool.”
Robin snorted. “I’m the furthest thing from cool.”
“No, I know,” Steve said. “I mean you seem… interesting. Nice. Fun.”
“You don’t even know me,” Robin said. “We’ve never spoken, and now all of a sudden you’re interested in me? I don’t buy it.”
“It’s true,” Steve said. He jumped as a hand landed on his arm and then Carol Perkins was there, staring Robin down with disdain in her eyes.
“What are you doing?” Carol asked.
“I was asking Robin to milkshakes,” Steve said.
Carol gave Robin an up-and-down and it didn’t feel good like when Tammy had done it. Carol wasn’t admiring her. She was looking at Robin like gum stuck to the bottom of her shoe.
“Are you that bored of going out with pretty girls?” Carol asked, voice all fake-interested like it was a real question.
Steve scowled, shaking Carol’s hand off his arm. “Robin’s pretty.”
Carol rolled her eyes. “She’s not terrible, I guess, under that bad perm, but she dresses like a dyke. If you want to rebel and date a freak or a charity case, you can do better.”
Robin flinched violently when Carol said the word dyke. She fought to keep her expression straight even as her heart raced and her lungs constricted.
Did Carol Perkins know? Or had she blindly thrown out an insult, hoping it would hurt?
“Don’t call her that,” Steve snapped, his face dark and furious. He looked frightening enough that Robin skittered back half a step.
Carol didn’t look scared of Steve, but her mouth did drop open in shock.
That was fair. Robin was shocked too.
Was Steve defending her?
Maybe this was what it meant to be a girl Steve Harrington liked. Maybe he didn’t like Carol calling Robin a dyke because that was an offense to his own masculinity. That was the only thing that made sense. Robin had heard Steve throw around gay slurs just last week, so it couldn’t be the word itself that he had a problem with.
“Seriously, Steve?” Carol asked, haughty and judgmental. “You can’t actually like her.”
“Robin is great,” Steve insisted.
Carol rolled her eyes. “Whatever. I’ll remind you of this when you come to your senses.”
With that, Carol spun on her heels – red hair smacking Steve in the face – and walked away.
Steve’s posture loosened, like he had also perceived Carol as a threat.
“I’m sorry,” he told Robin, looking sincere and apologetic.
Robin hated him.
“Stay the fuck away from me” Robin told Steve.
She slammed her locker and walked away, clutching her books to her chest to hide her shaking hands. She kept her head up as she walked by the cheerleaders, who laughed loudly as she passed.
***
Steve kept smiling at her whenever he walked into Click’s class, but he didn’t try to ask her out again.
He looked a bit like a kicked puppy every time she glared back at him, but Robin didn’t care.
“What are you doing?” Tammy asked one day after class. “He’s going to give up on you if you keep glaring at him like that.”
“He asked me out as a joke,” Robin told Tammy.
Tammy frowned. “Are you sure it was a joke? I don’t think he would do that.”
“I’m sure,” Robin said darkly, thinking of Carol hovering and the cheerleaders watching. Did Steve believe what Carol had said? Was that the joke: to put Robin in a position where she had to either go on a date with a man she didn’t like or else turn him down and confirm she was a lesbian? What kind of girl said no to a date with Steve Harrington?
Tammy bit her lip. She had on bright pink lipstick today. It would have looked tacky on anyone else, but it made Tammy look like a pop star. Robin wondered if the lipstick was flavored. She wished she could kiss Tammy and find out.
“You don’t mind if I flirt with him, right?” Tammy asked, echoing Robin’s words at her house last week. So far, Robin hadn’t been invited to girls’ night again.
Yes, Robin thought. Yes, I mind. I mind so much, but not for the reason that you think.
“Not at all,” Robin said. “It’s like you said, girl code doesn’t apply to Steve Harrington. Go for it.”
So Tammy kept trying to get Steve’s attention. He was nice to her. He never outright ignored her when she talked to him, but he never talked to her for longer than politeness required. He would always turn away, missing the way Tammy’s face fell.
And he kept fucking smiling at Robin. Picking up her books when she dropped them. Apologizing to her when he got bagel crumbs on the floor, even though she’d never mentioned how much it annoyed her. Turning to catch her eye when someone said something funny, like he thought she was someone he could share inside jokes with.
Slowly, Tammy stopped smiling at Robin. She started flicking annoyed glances in Robin’s direction whenever Steve gave Robin attention. Started snapping at Robin whenever Robin tried to sympathize with her about how much of a douchebag Steve Harrington was. Started avoiding Robin unless Robin directly started conversation with her.
Steve Harrington was ruining everything.
***
“What are you doing?” Robin demanded. She’d chased Steve after Ms. Click’s class, following him to the little alley out by the gym. She was going to be late for math, but she didn’t care. She needed to talk to him before he ruined everything.
Steve frowned as he lit up a cigarette. “What do you mean?”
“In Click’s class,” Robin said. “Tammy is practically throwing herself at you but you never even look her way. And I don’t talk to you at all, but you keep trying to talk to me.”
A flash of something crossed Steve’s face, but Robin didn’t know him well enough to read his expressions and it was gone in a heartbeat anyway.
“You don’t want me to talk to you?” Steve asked.
“Yes!” Robin said. “No. I don’t know. Why won’t you flirt with Tammy?”
Steve’s face scrunched up. It was a face Robin had seen before when they were taking tests in class – it meant Steve had no idea what was going on. “You’re upset because I’m not flirting with Tammy Thompson?”
“I don’t get it!” Robin said. “She’s really nice and she’s a good singer and she’s really pretty. Objectively. I mean, she seems like the Steve Harrington type.”
“Right,” Steve said, his lips twitching like she had said something funny.
“So I don’t get it,” Robin said. “She’s right there, and I don’t even try, but you keep looking. What’s so special about me?”
“Oh,” Steve said, like he had just realized something. “She’s jealous of you.”
Robin shuffled but didn’t say anything. Of course Tammy was jealous. Steve sat next to her every day, did he really not see it?
“And you don’t like that,” Steve continued, like he was figuring something out. Unfortunately, he was figuring out entirely the wrong thing. Robin wasn’t here to talk to Steve about her friendship with Tammy, she was here to find out why Steve didn’t like Tammy and why he seemed to like her.
“It’s not about me,” Robin said.
“Right,” Steve said, inhaling his stupid carcinogens. “Okay.”
“Okay?” Robin asked. She was pretty sure she was smarter than Steve Harrington, so she didn’t know why she was the one feeling lost in this conversation.
Steve stubbed out his cigarette against the wall. “I’ll fix it.”
The late bell rang. Robin wanted to ask Steve what he’d understood from this conversation, but she really did need to go to math class. Arriving late wasn’t a good way to fly under the radar.
“Okay,” she told Steve, not quite sure what she was agreeing to.
He gave her another one of those big smiles as she left the alleyway. It made something churn in her gut.
She wanted to be the kind of girl who got excited when Steve Harrington smiled at her like that. She wanted Tammy Thompson to smile at her like that. She wanted to fall in love with someone who loved her back, and she wanted to not get chased out of town by an angry mob with pitchforks for it.
***
The next time Robin walked into Ms. Click’s class, Steve was flirting with Tammy.
Robin had to stop in the middle of the aisle, feeling like she’d just been punched in the gut.
Tammy was leaning into Steve’s space, twirling her blonde curls around one finger. Steve was smiling at her, arm stretched over the back of her chair, listening attentively as she spoke.
Robin forced herself to walk mechanically to her desk. She took her notebook and pencil case out of her backpack and very carefully arranged everything on her desk, doing anything she could to prolong looking up. She didn’t want to watch this.
After what felt like the longest few minutes of Robin’s life, Ms. Click began talking. Robin risked looking up and saw that Steve had pulled his arm back and Tammy was sitting in her own seat again.
She couldn't stop seeing them wrapped up in each other.
At the end of class, Steve walked out quickly, the way he always did. Robin wondered if he always went to smoke behind the gym and that was why he ran away so fast.
Tammy whirled to Robin, squealing, her face lit up in a beautiful smile.
“Robin! Did you see that!”
Tammy hadn’t started a conversation with Robin in two weeks. Robin managed a real smile in the face of Tammy’s happiness.
“I did,” she said.
“I think he likes me,” Tammy said, almost shy, playing with the bracelets on her wrist.
“Yeah,” Robin said, ignoring the sinking feeling in her gut. “I think so too.”
***
The rumors at band practice told Robin that Steve was still flirting with other girls. He seemed particularly interested in Nancy Wheeler, who was a priss and a nerd but who was pretty and definitely his type. He seemed to be slowly wearing her down.
It made Robin furious. So Steve Harrington had a crush on Nancy Wheeler, fine, that made sense. But if he really liked her, and the rumors said he was absolutely head-over-heels, then what was he doing playing with Tammy and Robin? What the fuck was he up to?
***
A week later, Steve didn’t run out of Click’s class at the first sound of the bell. Instead he turned to Tammy and Robin and said, “I’m having a party at my house tonight. You’re both invited.”
“I’ll think about it,” Tammy said, smiling like this was a game. It was. They all knew Tammy would be going to see Steve and she was just trying to play it cool.
“Cool,” Steve said. He met Tammy’s eyes, then Robin's. “I’ll see you there.”
Tammy waited until he walked away, then did a little shimmy of excitement. It was kind of lame, but also hopelessly endearing. Robin liked when Tammy didn’t try to act cool around her.
“You’re going?” Robin asked dully.
“Of course I’m going!” Tammy said. “This is going to be so much fun! You’re coming, right?”
“Yeah,” Robin said, her mouth running before her brain could catch up with it. Tammy wanted her there. What else could she do? “I’ll be there.”
***
Robin got her dad to drop her off at the party. She was willing to bet she was the only teenager being dropped off by their dad, but her parents weren’t the type to be upset about her going out and they trusted her to drink responsibly. Plus, Robin couldn’t drive, so she didn’t know how else she was supposed to get there.
By the time she arrived, the party was already in full swing. Music came from inside the house and a few people spilled out into the yard.
Robin headed inside, dodging around a few couples making out against the hallway walls. Tammy was probably here already, right? Robin passed through the kitchen, filling a red solo cup with a tiny amount of vodka and a lot of coke. Jason Carver was there, flirting with Chrissy Cunningham, who was blushing at the attention.
Robin slipped into the living room and that was where she found Tammy. She was standing against a wall, surrounded by Olivia, Melissa, and Karen. Tammy was holding a red solo cup and staring out at the other end of the living room.
Robin followed her gave to Steve, who was talking to… Eddie Munson? Robin watched with her jaw slack until Steve came away with a grin and a joint between his fingers.
That made sense, actually. Of course the only reason Steve Harrington would ever speak to Eddie Munson would be to buy drugs.
Robin went up to Tammy, hovering at the edge of the group as she said “hi.”
“Hey,” Tammy said, giving her a distracted smile.
“I like your dress,” Robin said. She wanted to say that Tammy looked good, but that wasn’t a safe compliment.
“Thanks,” Tammy said. “I got it in Indy.”
“It’s cute,” Robin said. It was — pink and ruffled at the edges and unlike anything anyone else was wearing. Something that screamed Tammy Thompson.
The music went quiet for a moment, and Robin spun around, trying to figure out why. Carol Perkins was standing by the speakers.
“Let’s play a game!” she said, blowing a bubble with her gum like the picture of teenage insouciance. “Truth or dare.”
She sat on the ground, Tommy Hagan and Steve Harrington sitting beside her. A few more jocks joined — Jason and Andy from the basketball team, Chrissy and Fiona from the cheerleading squad. Heather Holloway and Patrick and Brenda.
“We have to join!” Tammy said. She grabbed Robin’s hand and dragged her over to the circle.
Robin complied in a daze. Tammy was holding her hand. Tammy’s hand was soft and warm and not sweaty at all and Robin could die happy, Tammy’s hand in hers.
Tammy released her as soon as they got to the circle and Robin felt suddenly bereft, taking a seat mechanically beside her. Melissa, Karen, and Olivia sat on Tammy’s other side.
Steve Harrington was looking in her direction, eyebrows up, and Robin scowled at him. Steve smiled, hands up like he was saying don’t shoot, and Carol noticed and shot Robin a glare.
“Tommy,” Steve said. “Truth or dare?”
“Dare,” Tommy said.
Steve grinned. “I dare you to let Carol take a body shot off you.”
Tommy scrunched up his face. “Don’t you mean I should take a shot off her?”
Steve blinked, absolutely nothing behind his eyes. “What do you mean?”
So Tommy lay down and balanced a shot glass on his stomach, so low it was practically on his hips, and Carol grabbed it with her mouth, tipping her head back to drink. Robin didn’t like Carol at all, but she had to admit there was something attractive about it, about the long line of Carol’s throat as she drank the shot and the dainty, self-satisfied way she wiped her mouth afterward.
From there, they kept going around the circle.
Heather Holloway gave Andy a lap dance. Fiona admitted to having done mushrooms. Jason Carver was dared to kiss the prettiest girl in the circle, which made him turn to Chrissy Cunningham and say “A good girl like you deserves better than some drunken kiss during truth or dare. What do you say I take you out to dinner tomorrow and then give you a kiss on your front porch at the end of the night?”
Chrissy’s smile was disarmingly wide. “Yeah,” she said, nodding. “That sounds nice.”
“It’s a date,” Jason said. A few of the boys hollered and whooped, patting Jason on the back and shaking him a little. Jason looked bashful, hiding a smile behind a sip of his drink.
“Finally!” Carol Perkins said. She turned to Chrissy. “He’s been pining over you since last year and it took him this long to work up the guts to ask you out.”
Jason screeched at Carol, who ignored him and winked at a pleased-looking Chrissy. Robin was hit with the sudden realization that Carol Perkins could be nice, when she wanted to be.
Melissa got dared to swap clothes with Patrick, Karen revealed she’d shoplifted a pair of earrings once, and Olivia admitted to having made out with a boy in the school janitor’s closet.
Then it was Tammy’s turn.
“Truth or dare?”
“Dare,” Tammy said, something brave in her eyes.
A few of the girls conferred together — Carol and Heather and Fiona — before turning to Tammy with smiles on their faces. “We dare you to shotgun with Steve.”
Tammy’s eyes went wide. Robin didn’t think Tammy was the type to smoke weed, but Tammy pressed a confident smile onto her face. Maybe she didn’t want to back down from a dare. Maybe she just wanted a chance to press her mouth against Steve Harrington’s.
Steve looked at her from all the way across the circle — if he, Tommy, and Carol were the North Pole, Tammy and Robin were the South, the antipodal point — and raised the joint questioningly.
“Okay,” Tammy said.
Steve took a drag off the joint and crawled across the circle. Tammy met him in the middle and he was gentle as he used one hand to tip her chin up, pressing his lips against hers and exhaling. Robin could only really see the back of Tammy’s head, but she was hit by a burning jealousy at the way Steve so casually touched her.
It felt like it had been years since Tammy had held her hand.
Tammy sat back beside Robin, a pleased little smile on her face.
“Band kid,” Carol said, smiling meanly. “Truth or dare.”
Robin shuffled uncomfortably. So far all the dares had involved some kind of sexual display with the opposite sex and Robin did not want to kiss a boy or give him a lap dance. But she also had a lot of secrets she didn’t really feel like sharing.
She should pick truth, right? Worst come to worst, she could just lie. It’s not like any of these people would ever know — none of them really knew her.
“Truth,” Robin said.
Chrissy started to say something, but Carol spoke over her. “Who was your first kiss?”
Robin’s cheeks flamed. Carol was doing this on purpose.
“I haven’t had my first kiss yet,” Robin said, trying to sound casual. It wasn’t that unusual, at least in the circles she ran with.
But Carol reacted with extreme shock, her eyes going wide, her mouth dropping open. “Ever? That’s so sad!”
“Not really,” Robin said. Everyone was staring at her. She’d spent months trying to fly under the radar, and now they were all watching her and it was just as terrible as she’d thought it would be.
Carol kept going. “But why haven’t you kissed anyone? Aren’t there any boys you like?”
It would have been fine if Carol hadn’t paused a little, put more emphasis on the word boys. But Carol knew what she was doing, insinuating exactly what she had when she’d stood with Steve by Robin’s locker.
Everyone in the circle was staring at Robin. Jason Carver looked disgusted. Tammy pulled back a bit from Robin’s side.
Robin felt like she was going to throw up.
Then Steve Harrington scoffed. All eyes moved to him, to see what the King was going to say. Steve was relaxed, weight back on one hand, legs kicked out in front of him. “Not everyone is a slut, Carol.”
The like you went unspoken, but Robin saw it land. Carol’s face scrunched up with real hurt for a second, like she wasn’t sure why Steve was attacking her.
Tommy, sitting between them, gave Steve a what the fuck look as he pulled Carol into his side.
Steve either didn’t see any of this or pretended not to. He turned to Patrick, sitting next to Robin on the opposite side as Tammy, and said “truth or dare?”
Robin relaxed. It was over, right? They weren’t looking at her anymore?
She glanced around the circle and it seemed like everyone had moved on. A sneaky glance at Tammy showed that she wasn’t sitting as close to Robin as before, but she also wasn’t looking particularly repulsed. Maybe she had just forgotten to move back again.
Robin didn’t really believe it.
She tried to calm her racing heart as the next few people went. But when it was Steve Harrington’s turn, she couldn’t help but tune in.
“Steve,” Tommy Hagan said. “Truth or dare?”
“Dare,” Steve said, like every teenage jock ever.
Carol leaned over and whispered in Tommy’s ear and Tommy grinned. “I dare you to kiss Robin Buckley.”
Robin’s blood turned to ice. Once again, all heads in the circle swiveled to her.
Robin didn’t want to kiss Steve Harrington. She had been saving her first kiss because she wanted it to be special. She could have pretended to like a boy, to kiss a boy, to date a boy. But she had wanted to save all her firsts for a girl — to have them be real and meaningful instead of a stupid farce.
She didn’t have a choice though. Not after what Carol had implied earlier. If Robin didn’t kiss Steve, she would practically be confirming that she was a lesbian.
Robin looked to Carol, who was smirking at her.
“Yeah,” Robin said shakily. “Okay.”
Steve was watching her intently, something indecipherable in his eyes. He got to his feet and crossed the circle, kneeling down in front of her.
Robin didn’t think she’d ever been this close to a boy. He smelled like hairspray and beer, and his eyes were brown and serious as she watched her.
He gave her the same friendly smile he’d been giving her all semester, then leaned in to whisper in her ear. His breath was uncomfortably hot on her skin as he said, “trust me.”
Then he pulled back and squared his shoulders, cocky and unapologetic about it. He smirked around the circle, a boy proud to be showing off that he was kissing a pretty girl.
Robin was going to throw up. Her heart was pounding and she was going to have to kiss a boy and Steve had been playing games with her all semester.
Robin closed her eyes, preparing for the kiss and also trying to hide the hot tears she could feel building up.
She jumped a bit when Steve’s hands landed on her face. He wasn’t holding her jaw delicately like he’d done to Tammy. Both of Steve’s giant palms where splayed across her cheeks, one of them half caught in her hair, dragging it in front of her face. Great. Her first kiss was going to taste like hair and that wasn’t even going to be the worst part of it.
Robin kept her eyes screwed shut as Steve’s skin pressed against her lips and his nose bumped hers and — those weren’t Steve’s lips.
Steve was close, yes, so close they were sharing the same air. So close that it probably looked like they were kissing.
But this was a stage kiss. Steve’s thumb was over Robin’s mouth, his lips pressed to one side and hers to the other.
Robin opened her eyes in shock. She couldn’t really see Steve — he was too close not to be blurry — but his eyes were pressed closed, brown eyelashes fanned over his cheeks. As if this were a real kiss.
Where had basketball-playing, prom king Steve Harrington even learned what a stage kiss was? This couldn’t be standard practice for the popular kids — they played these games as an excuse to kiss each other, not to fake it.
And more importantly, why was he doing this? Was he that opposed to kissing her? Or had he somehow noticed her reluctance and decided to protect her while allowing both of them to save face?
Steve used his hands to tilt Robin’s head and she followed without resistance. He pressed closer, moving her back, and they still weren’t kissing but it probably looked like they were making out. Like he was into this. Like she was.
Robin closed her eyes. She could figure out the mystery that was Steve Harrington later. Right now, she had to help Steve sell this.
She raised her hands to Steve’s shoulders, pulling him closer, hoping he wouldn’t misinterpret her sudden ardor as a request for a real kiss.
He let out a little moan, his nose brushing hers as he tipped his head, and she smiled against his thumb. Holy shit. They were totally faking it and everyone was going to think she was a good enough kisser to make Steve Harrington moan.
After a long moment, Steve pulled back, simultaneously slipping his thumb to the side so it wouldn’t be over her mouth.
He stayed in her space a second longer, eyes locked with Robin’s. He seemed pleased with himself, or maybe with her shocked expression.
He licked his lips and Robin copied him automatically. Her lips tasted like beer and smoke but it was from Steve’s hand, not his lips, and that made all the difference.
Someone wolf-whistled.
Steve backed away, returning to his seat next to Tommy Hagan. Robin was speechless as the room returned to focus.
Carol looked pissed. Tommy was elbowing Steve, leaning in to tease him.
“Damn, Harrington,” said some basketball jock Robin didn’t know. “I didn’t know you were into band nerds.”
“That was a hell of a first kiss,” another one said.
Steve smiled, cocky and pleased and bashful all at once. He was a better actor than Robin had ever given him credit for.
Tammy nudged Robin, and that’s when Robin realized she was still staring at Steve, dumb with awe.
As everyone turned to Tommy Hagan, Tammy leaned in and whispered, “it looks like you really enjoyed that kiss.”
She was trying to smile, trying to gently tease like a friend would, but Robin could see the heartbreak in her expression. Robin wished she could tell Tammy that it had all been for show and that she hadn’t actually kissed Steve, but Tammy had pulled away at the accusation that Robin was a lesbian and only been okay touching her again after that performance of a kiss.
This wasn’t a world where Robin got to have both Steve and Tammy.
“Yeah,” Robin said, surprised to find she was telling the truth. She was glad she’d been dared to kiss Steve and not any other boy here. There were apparently layers to Steve Harrington, who she’d thought was nothing more than a pretty, empty-headed, girl-obsessed jock.
She kind of wanted to know more about him.
She glanced across the circle. Steve was watching Tommy try to do a handstand, until Tommy overbalanced and fell into Steve’s lap, making him yelp. Steve laughed as he leaned over Tommy, asking if he was okay, and Tommy’s eyes lit up in a way Robin recognized. The way she had probably lit up when Tammy had taken her hand.
In that moment, Robin felt like she understood something about all of them.
Carol’s frozen smile as she watched her boyfriend beam at Steve. The way Tommy pretended to fumble a bit climbing off Steve’s lap, if only to stay there a second longer. And Steve’s sharp eyes, catching Tommy’s adoration and Carol’s pain.
“You’re too high, man,” Steve said, waving his joint in a big circle. Giving Tommy cover in case anyone else had noticed what Robin had.
“Way too high,” Carol agreed, snatching the joint from Steve’s fingers. She took a long drag, then blew the smoke out, passed the joint back to Steve, and curled into Tommy’s side.
Tommy and Carol looked like the picture of a happy couple and Robin realized it was another type of performance. Had Carol known before she started dating Tommy? Or had she fallen in love with him first, only realizing he liked Steve when it was too late to stop her heart from being broken?
Robin didn’t want to feel sympathy for Carol Perkins, who had tried so hard to ruin Robin’s night. But she pitied her a little, watching her playact at being happy and realizing that they were all doing it. All these stupid popular kids were just pretending to be shiny, happy people and the rest of the school was buying it, standing too far away to see the imperfections that would have been obvious up close.
Steve met Robin’s eyes across the circle, bringing the joint to his lips. His eyes were perfectly clear, pupils small, not like someone who had been smoking at all. Another slight of hand, like the stage kiss.
“I think he likes you back,” Tammy said.
Robin looked at Tammy, who was faking a smile just like the rest of the popular kids. Why hadn’t Robin seen it before? Tammy was brave and Tammy was kind, but she hid those parts of herself, trying to seem just as cookie-cutter perfect as the rest of the people in this circle.
Robin didn’t want cookie-cutter perfect. She wanted real.
She still didn’t want to break Tammy’s heart, so she said something she didn’t really believe about Steve. Not anymore.
“Maybe,” Robin said. “But like you said, he’s just a good time. He’ll be over me in two weeks.”
***
On Monday, Robin found Steve at his locker after school.
His eyes went wide as she came up to him and he smiled at her. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Robin said. She kicked the toes of her converse together. She’d spent all of yesterday doodling on them while watching tv. Maybe it was stupid, given how close Carol had come to outing her, but Robin was feeling a little bulletproof. She’d written I may not go down in history, but I’ll go down on your sister in pen on the whites of her shoes.
Steve looked down at her feet and smiled. “Nice artwork.”
Robin froze, even though there was no way Steve could read her shoes while standing up. “Thanks,” she said stiffly. “I thought they could use some, uh, personality?”
“I like them better this way,” Steve said.
Robin cleared her throat. “Do you, uh, wanna get milkshakes? You’re paying, of course.”
Steve’s eyes lit up. “Yeah,” he said quickly. “I’ll buy you however many milkshakes you want.”
Robin rolled her eyes. “Do girls really fall for this desperate act?”
“I’m much cooler around girls I’m interested in,” Steve said. Robin believed him this time. He’d put his thumb over her mouth and then swaggered like he’d kissed her and she trusted him in a way she hadn’t before.
She was dying to know why he’d done it.
“So it’s just your friends that you bribe into liking you,” Robin teased.
“Yeah,” Steve said, shameless. “Usually more with free rides and arcade money, but I’ve used ice cream before.”
“You’re so weird,” Robin blurted out. Then she froze. It was practically social suicide to call Steve Harrington weird.
But Steve didn’t get mad. He just laughed and said “you have no idea.”
“Yo, Harrington,” called a basketball player walking down the hall. “Hurry up, you’ll be late for practice.”
“I’m not going today!” Steve called back. “I’m sick.” He gave a very unconvincing cough.
The basketball player rolled his eyes. “Lovesick, maybe.”
Steve scowled playfully. “Fuck off, man.”
“I’ll tell Coach you’re too pussy-whipped to play,” the basketball player said.
“Don’t you dare!” Steve called. Robin expected him to sound more offended at being called pussy-whipped. No teenage boy wanted to be told he would do anything a girl told him to do, even in exchange for sex. And Steve was definitely not getting sex. But the insult rolled off Steve like water off a duck’s back. “Tell him I have the flu.”
“Sure, sure, whatever.” The boy rolled his eyes as he disappeared around the corner.
Steve closed his locker. “Ready to go?”
“You’re not going to basketball?”
“No,” Steve said. “We’re getting milkshakes. I’m not giving up a chance to make Robin Buckley my best friend.”
“Aren’t you, like, first chair?” Robin said. She watched a lot of basketball games by virtue of being in band, she knew it was called starting line. But she enjoyed seeing Steve’s face scrunch up at her words.
Steve groaned. “God, that is annoying. Remind me to stop calling Dustin’s campaigns his nerd practices.”
“Who’s Dustin and what are campaigns?”
“A kid I babysit, and a Dungeons and Dragons game.”
Robin blinked. “Dungeons and Dragons? That Hellfire game?”
“Yeah,” Steve said. “He’s not in high school yet, so he doesn’t play with Eddie as his DM, but I’m sure he’ll join in a few years.”
DM? Was that some Hellfire term?
Apparently the new Steve Harrington knew the terms to nerd games. He stage-kissed lesbians at parties and thought it was worth skipping basketball practice for a chance to be Robin’s friend.
“Who are you?” Robin asked. “And what have you done with Steve?”
“I’m a time traveller from the future,” Steve said.
Robin laughed. What a nerd. “No, really.”
Steve started walking backwards down the hallway, keys swinging around his fingers. “I’ll tell you over milkshakes.”
He held a hand out to her, beckoning, a hopeful smile on his face, and it didn’t feel like a joke anymore. Robin had no clue why, but Steve Harrington really wanted to be her friend.
Robin peeled herself off the lockers and took Steve’s hand, their fingers twining together, letting him pull her outside.
dunk and egg really does cover the best most interesting generation of targryens where they are just regular humans desperately clinging onto any veneer of of legitimacy before they inevitably succumb to the doomrot bloodcurse poisoning that’s been in them from birth.
Killing the boy and letting the king be born is itself an act of blood sacrifice. To say nothing of the fratricide and the suicide and the grotesque accidents and the cannibalism and the prophetic-avoidant alcoholism and the abomination and the self-immolation and and the final desperate calculus of summerhall and the blood in the mortars of the keep and the trees and the grass on which you are holding a shitty parking lot tourney and losing your fucking grip.
You’re telling me now for the first time that the Kingsguard vows make you complicit in the patriarchal violence of the monarchical government on both a national and direct interpersonal level and the only way to stop it and actually protect people is to break your oath? Someone should write a book about that.
dawn summers is also a contender for character of all time. she's an eldritch horror stuffed into the body of a teenage girl. she's six months old. she's older than time. she's fourteen. she talks shit to the faces of the forces of darkness. she speaks sumerian. she killed her first kiss with a pencil. her best friend is a punk vampire that simps over her big sister. she writes about the horrors in her diary. she has done necromancy. she's a kleptomaniac. her favorite sandwich is salami with peanut butter. she was willing to sacrifice her life to save the world at fourteen years old. she became her sister's watcher when the original watcher abandoned them. she's extraordinary.
CHARACTERS THAT HAVE SUCCESSFULLY CLEARED TASK 1- “DO NOT GET FUCKING STUCK IN THE RIVERLANDS” (non-exhaustive) (only applies to characters who have actually been to the Riverlands):
Tywin Lannister- despite hanging out in Harrenhal for a hot sec, I must concede that it was not the Riverlands that got him. He got got by The Cycles. Many would say “Oh he got killed by the Harrenhal curse” and while that was in the water, it was not what killed him. Blaming Harrenhal for Tywin is like blaming your prostate cancer for a gunshot. Separate issue.
Tyrion & Cersei- Cersei and Tyrion have definitely been to the Riverlands but evidently they’ve been quick enough about it that they’ve never been caught by it. Don’t worry, though. The Cycles are coming.
Ned Stark- passed through the Riverlands multiple times, seemingly without issue. Fell victim instead to the Stark variant of Task 1- “never go south”, “and definitely don’t go TWICE”, “and CERTAINLY you must never go to King’s Landing if you can possibly help it!!”, “(that place is full of wickedness!! Better to stay at home instead and prepare for winter)”, “(for real, though. Do you know how many beets you have? Go check.)”.
Sansa Stark- an interesting case where her dog/the sacred manifestation of her soul in the form of a very sweet dinosaur puppy/etc was murdered, and this seems to have been enough for Sansa to escape the Riverlands unimpeded. Thus far she has avoided re-engaging with it by traveling via boat. Compare with Arya, whose soul dog survived and is now roaming the Riverlands, thus tying Arya back to the Riverlands on top of spending two books there. Unfortunately, Sansa has fallen victim to the same blunder as her dad (see above), but I’m holding out hope for her.
Walda Frey Bolton- Walda Frey, displaying more circumspection than any of her relatives, has employed the ingenious tactic of marrying out of the Riverlands. Thus far, it seems to be working. Her other relatives who’ve gone north have not met with her level of success! But! WATCH THIS SPACE. As we know, marrying out did not save Catelyn. Returning home is highly unadvisable. Also, Walda married Roose Bolton, which puts her in the immediate orbit of Ramsay, who is not noted for his kind treatment of innocent women
Aegons 4&5- okay I don’t remember off the top of my head whether 4egon ever actually went to the Riverlands but I’m assuming he did because at least three of his mistresses that I can remember were from there. 4egon actually dodged basically every curse hurled at him it’s quite impressive. Egg, meanwhile, definitely did go to the Riverlands and even married a Riverlander! And he didn’t get killed by the Riverlands at all! Just, you know. The Targaryen prophecy bullshit. Still, good job guys 👍
Betha and Aly Blackwood (accepting nomination on behalf of all the Riverlander ladies who’ve successfully escaped by marrying out, not that there are many)- these two are historical examples of the Walda/Cat strategy: if you marry out of the Riverlands, you might just escape it. This is a big gamble, as Cat’s case demonstrates how it can horribly backfire on you. But, to the best of my knowledge, Betha and Aly’s eventual deaths had nothing at all to do with the Riverlands, probably inspiring many little Riverlanders to do the same 🖤 role models!
Gregor Clegane- despite pillaging the Riverlands, setting up shop in the black hole of Harrenhal, and later dying, I do begrudgingly have to give the Mountain his due by saying that his death was not the Riverlands’ fault. Interestingly, despite not actually being a Lannister, he’s actually very clearly under a Lannister-type curse of The Cycles, and as we’ve established, that’s a whole different kettle of fish
Bloodraven and Bittersteel- actually. You know what, I’m not actually sure that these two idiots have cleared it. Bloodraven and Bittersteel did escape the physical sphere of influence of the Riverlands by going as far north and east as it was possible to go, respectively. However, 1) they got into a Blackwood v Bracken feud which is one of the classic Riverlands sinkholes right after Harrenhal and I don’t know that they ever got out of that, and 2) apparently we don’t know where the Redgrass Field was?? And if it’s technically in the Riverlands then I’m afraid they did NOT clear the task because these two are stilllllll there. Yes, that’s right, dead-ass Bittersteel is stiiiiillllll there and tree-ass Bloodraven is DOUBLE still there. George I need to know these thingsssss.
Nettles- the one, the only, the peerless and matchless Nettles, rider of Sheepstealer, who was shacked up in Maidenpool (Riverlands) with Daemon T for a hot minute, and unlike him, she got clear free of the Riverlands and fucked off forever!! Never got caught and never looked back!!!!! That’s how it’s done!!!!!!!!!!
👑 Howland Reed- now HERE is a man who knows how to avoid a malevolent curse. “But Vi!” you may be saying, “Howland is clearly still affected by the Tourney! Just like the rest of his generation!” Ah, but there you’d be mistaken! Howland Reed’s experiences with Harrenhal have not gotten him killed, unlike everyone else in the Rebellion generation, which suggests to me that Howland used the whole Harrenhal thing as a kind of inoculation against the Riverlands. Either that, or being from the Neck gives you a natural advantage. Either way! Employed canoe travel.
Conclusions: marry out of the Riverlands if you’re a Riverlander, and consider marrying a Riverlander if you’re not one (to be clear, if you live in the Riverlands, it’s hopeless). The best defense against the Riverlands is to never go there at all, followed by being from the Neck. And last, if you’ve got a separate curse, such as Targaryen Prophecy Bullshit, Lannister Cycles, or Stark’s Snowmelt, then you might manage to avoid getting stuck in the Riverlands, much as being dead already might save you from being killed by a barracuda. If none of these options avail themselves to you, we recommend boat or dragon travel and/or other travel speedrun (must be outsourced to writer). Good luck and travel safely!
CHARACTERS WHO HAVE FAILED TASK 1- “DO NOT GET FUCKING STUCK IN THE RIVERLANDS” (non-exhaustive):
Jaime Lannister- this bitch was stuck there for a book and a half and WHAT did he do as SOON as he got home? Gentle reader??? What did he do????? That man walked RIGHT BACK in there. Did nottttttt learn his lesson from the last time he went to the Riverlands to help his family out. Has been to Harrenhal too many times. No-hoper!
Brienne of Tarth- ever since Renly died she has been stuck in the Riverlands. Runs around in circles saving orphans, who are ALSO stuck in the Riverlands. Oxygen masks, my friends ☝️
Catelyn Tully Stark- we thought she could do it!! We thought she could get out!! She married out and everything!!! And THEN she even DIED!!!! But even death will not save you from Getting Stuck In the Riverlands. Let this be a lesson…
Beric Dondarrion- got stuck in the Riverlands and could not be freed by death until he passed on the curse to someone else. But don’t worry! He’s still there. In the minds of the Riverlanders he lingers yet…
The Brotherhood Without Banners- stuck in the Riverlands. Loras Tyrell, Ned did you a favor by not letting you go with them!!!
Various and sundry orphans- inclusive Gendry, Edric D, Willow, etc: STUCK!!!!!!
Pod- I understand the instinct to flee King’s Landing to the Riverlands, much as I understand the instinct to flee Scylla’s heads in favor of Charybdis. I really do understand it. But the thing is that Charybdis is actually a lot more certain to kill you than Scylla is. Because Scylla is not sucking you in, she’s just kinda jabbing and bobbing and weaving and taking your head off if she can, while Charybdis will Swallow You Whole. STUCK!
Sandor Clegane- you can all but die, renounce your name and your life, and start over on an island that is very nearly not even IN the Riverlands! and all it will do is prove that you are not getting out of the fucking Riverlands.
Arya Stark- spends TWO WHOLE BOOKS and crucial parts of another in the Riverlands and even now that she is ACROSS THE FUCKING OCEAN from the Riverlands her soul is still. roaming around the Riverlands.
Vargo Hoat & co.- proving that the Riverlands eat everyone, good and bad alike!
Daemon Targaryen- got so stuck in the Riverlands he and his double murder-suicided each other
Aemond Targaryen- see above
Robb Stark- got stuck in the Riverlands!! Despite valiant attempts to a) go West, and b) go back home, HE GOT STUCK in the glue trap known as the Riverlands!!!
Rhaena Targaryen (Rhaena the Lesbian)- she seems to have been chill about it but she did in fact get stuck in the Riverlands at crucial points in her life, such as notably the end of it
Red Wedding “guests”- big long list but this includes current prisoners, current dead people, the bride, the groom, and the entirety of House Frey, barring the ones running around getting cannibalized up north who I will concede did get out of the Riverlands.
Harrenhal’s ghosts- as seen with Rhaena, Daemon, Aemond, the Curse of Harrenhal, the Tourney of Harrenhal, etc, one of the best ways for the Riverlands to Get You is through Harrenhal, a big fucking haunted house-ass castle which is like the black hole in the middle of the Riverlands glue trap. If you get sucked in you are NOT getting out. Cumulative effect! The more people get trapped by Harrenhal, the better Harrenhal is at Getting You. WATCH OUT!!!
That Fucking Bear- ITS CORPSE YET ROTS. IN THE PIT.
Every day I love Blue Sargent just a little bit more like you're so right 17 year old girls should be vain and hypocritical and insane but also care so so deeply and and be so lovable and be full of contradictions and sensible and a bit messy and everything all at once.
jon did not tell stannis “I have a name” for people to say that he’s going to end up as jon stark or jon targaryen or whatever else. his name is jon SNOW. it doesn’t matter if he is or isn’t *actually* a bastard. he was raised as a bastard, he’s been discriminated against as a bastard, he climbed his way up in the world despite his status as a bastard, his acceptance of society’s “others” stems from his experiences as a bastard. how could he ever not be jon snow? his bastardy has shaped everything about who he is, no matter what the technical circumstances of his birth are. the world believes him to be a bastard, and so that’s his reality. like we obviously recognize that the whole idea of trueborns vs bastards is socially constructed, so (inheritance issues aside) why are we so obsessed with proving that jon isn’t *really* a bastard? will being trueborn fundamentally change who he is? will it cancel out a lifetime of being treated like a second-class citizen? will it make him more/less of a stark or a targaryen?
like there’s a reason that asoiaf has an ongoing theme of “knowing your name”, particularly in adwd (the same book that we get the “I offered you a name” // “I have a name” exchange). jon knows his name, he’s actively claiming it, he’s giving it power. he is a SNOW. come on even mormont’s raven knows that.
snowghoul
turnnoffyourmind
jbbartram-illu
germansingergirl
